So I wake up from the surgery and I'm thinking OUCH FUCK THIS HURTS. Only, I don't want to be a pansy so I quietly say, "owwwwie." The nurse comes over and gives me some liquid pain meds. A few minutes pass and I am like uh, this shit still hurts fuckers. So obviously I say "ouch this kinda hurts." (Although it probably sounded like oumsh fis hur…… drool pass out). So the doctor gives me some pills to swallow. Okay are they giving me fucking placebos here or what this HURTS. Now say a little louder, "wow this sure hurts." (Yeah I was the super tough girl in surgery…at least on the outside). At this point they have rolled me into the room and they are like hey I'm going to give you some Demerol. Okay cool.
Nurse: Roll over please
Me again: Wait what ROLL OVER oh shit fuck shes going to stick a needle in my ass NOOOOOOOOOO
The next thing I remember is laughing. I look up and everyone in the room is laughing. So I obviously say;
"What, did I fart?"
Never mind the fact that when you just come out of surgery you can't fart. In fact you can't leave the hospital until you fart. This only makes everyone laugh harder because I just said FART. I guess they were laughing because I got the shot and suddenly just stopped talking mid sentence and kinda zonked out. Barely any time passes and my doctor comes in and asks my pain level and I tell the truth and say it's about an eight. He is so shocked. I've got about 11 billion drugs in me. But then we all remember the time I was on a MASSIVE dose of Lithium and my level should have been 6.0 but it was .01 because that is how quick I burn of meds. So my doctor gets the bright idea to put me on a dilaudid drip. Google that. Basically my doctor put me on a liquid heroin IV.
Some time passes and my legs get itchy. I scratch my right leg, ooooh that shit feels good. I scratch my left leg and…..NOTHING. Uh. SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH.
I do the obvious thing and start poking myself and scratching and punching and I FEEL NOTHING. The entire upper top of my left leg is numb.
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ
In comes the nurse.
Me: Um, so my leg is numb
Me: ……….. So it's numb what do we do about that
Nurse: Well this has never happened so uh, lets just wait and see
Me: Uh, okay I guess
I resume poking and scratching and still nothing. Finally shift change happens and old nurse meets with new nurse and they talk about everything and I'm like UH HEY you forgot to mention the whole MY LEG IS NUMB BIT.
New nurse: Strange I've never heard of that, lets just wait and see.
My doctor comes in the next morning and I get so caught up in him telling me that since I'm a super healer I can totally go home the next day (only three days in the hospital hell yeah) as long as I can fart that I forget about my leg. He said he will put in orders to have my staples removed and steri strips put on and then its PEACE OUT FOOL!
Lets just stop and point out the obvious.
He just asked me to admit to someone that I farted. Uh, hello I am a lady I don't fart. I'm fucked. I spend the next 20 hours having nurses come in every two hours asking "have you passed gas yet honey." Uggg kill me. Finally I decide I've had enough and I say, "yup sure did." (lie lie lie lie lie). My doctor is gone so the on call doctor comes in. He decides to over ride my doctors order and tells me he won't remove my staples and I have to go home with them and see my doctor later in the week to have them removed.
Well that's annoying.
Me: Oh by the way doctor, my leg is numb
Doctor: Weird (pokes my leg with his finger) I've never heard of that. Why don't you just go home and see what happens.
Fuck me. How long am I supposed to wait?
The nurse discharges me and gives me these neat little staple remover things to take to my doctor when I see him.
So I get home and I'm grumbling around in pain and my husband is all, "aww babe what's wrong?" To which I reply, "well I kinda lied, I didn't fart and IT HURTS OWIE OWIE OWIE OWWWWWWW."
Can you believe he got mad at me? Something about how doctors make rules for a reason and I shouldn't have lied blah blah whatever.
I call my doctor and make an appointment to have my staples removed. But it's me and curiosity is one of my bad qualities and the stupid staple remover won't stop looking at me so I do the obvious:
I pull out a staple.
Well…that was easy. It just popped right out. Looky there ANOTHER ONE came out. The next thing I know all of the staples were gone and my husband walks in.
(mental uh oh)
Me: Look babe I don't have to go to the doctor tomorrow I took my own staples out
Him: (with angry face) Dammit Shannon you are not a doctor you shouldn't do that
Me: Then why did they send me home with the remover thingy?
Him: TO TAKE TO YOUR DOCTOR
Me: Oh come on they had to know I would want to play with it
Him: SHANNON THAT IS NOT OKAY
Me: Psh, shit I'm fine look there's nothing wrong
Him: Shakes his head and walks of
Me: Stares at my handy work proud of my staple removing.
The next morning I call the doctor and let her know I took out my own staples (she was less amused then my husband) but that my leg is still numb. She tells me to come in so he can look at my leg because maybe I have a blood clot. So I spend the next 12 hours thinking BLOOD CLOT GOING TO DIE WHAT ABOUT MY KIDS LEG FALLING OFF OMGOMGOMGOGM BLOOD CLOT HELPPPPPPPPP.
I go to the doctor and he looks at my leg and says, "You know, a lot of time the anesthesiologist will give you an epidural similar to a C-section one, but one that is meant to last a while and I'm willing to bet he aimed and hit the wrong nerve."
Could it really be that easy? He said that made sense as to why I was in so much pain that day because the epidural went into the wrong spot. The sad part is that he said it will probably be 6-8 weeks before it goes away. Then he looks at my chart and starts laughing.
Doctor: You pulled out your own staples?
Me: Yup they gave me the little tool
Doctor: Wait, they didn't take them out?
Me: Nope they said I was getting released to early so I had to come here, then they gave me a little squeezy tool to bring you
Doctor: I SPECIFICALLY TOLD THEM TO TAKE THEM OUT
Me: Well they didn't so I did the obvious thing and took them out myself with the squeezy tool
In the end he just laughed at me. He said obviously the kind of retards that would send a curious girl home with surgical tools are the same assholes that would say, "huh just wait and see," with out even once LOOKING AT MY LEG.
It's been three weeks and if I really smush hard I can sort of feel my finger nails. Barely but a little.
Know what feels really weird when your leg is numb? Shaving. I'm all shave shave, shaving my calves, I totally feel this, la la there's my knee, uh….wtf I know I'm shaving but I feel nothing. WHAT THE SHIT I CAN'T FEEL MY LEG . I swear, shaving a numb leg is the weirdest feeling ever.