You know you are old when….



A present from your parents like this makes you really really REALLY excited.


Yes.  I knew I was old the second I realized I wanted to do cartwheels over a new washer and dryer.  No more moldy smelling washer or non dry clothes.  This thing is big enough to fit both of my kids in.  The dryer has one of those shelf thingies in it so I can steam things OR!!!!!!! I can put my shoes on the rack and dry them with out them clunk clunking all over my washer.

I am so old. 

I need a vacation from my vacation

We took off for 7 days to LEGO LAND.  That is why I haven’t written in a few days.  No Internet connection when your camping on the ocean ya know.  Anywho I have about 7 mounds of laundry to do and about 75 bags to unpack and lets not even discuss my floors right now because I’ll have to start crying and then someone will have to mail me some chocolate or something.  I will be back Saturday with a better post.  For now, I think this picture accurately sums up my last 7 days.

Thing that make me feel important

I have these nifty little stamps at work.  I don’t know why but I feel extra important when I use them.  When I send out bids or what not I like to use them.

Very official right? 


I would feel much more important if I could find a stamp like this though:

First one to find and mail me an office stamp with the words, FUCK or SHIT in them wins!

Fort take two…plus I AM A GENIUS

So obviously if I make a fort for Brandon I have to make one for Codi.  I planned to wait a while to make it.  That is until Sunday when Codi had a full fucking melt down in the hall kicking and screaming and all.  I’m talking full blown holy shit batman this kid is going all exorcist on me.  So, I gave in bought fabric and made him a fort.

Moving on.  Codi is very short.  Which isn’t helped by the fact that every single light switch in this house is about two feet above his head.  I started feeling bad for the poor guy because he couldn’t turn on his own light which meant he wouldn’t go in his room if it was dark.  I went to home depot thinking they had to have something to help out. 


So I walked around and around looking for something to create. Two lighting guys told me it was hopeless.  It was actually very irritating.  I wandered forever and finally came up with a solution.  I found a pull switch thingy for a fan and then found a switch plate for a cable cord.  I came home gave it to Rob and said MAKE IT WORK.  I present to you, a shorty’s version of a light switch. I’ve never seen my Codi bug so happy.

How to annoy myself

  1. Buy toast that is bigger then my toaster
  2. Burn said toast because I forget to flip it in time
  3. Locking myself out of my house and complaining all day
  4. Realizing there has been a spare key to my house in my moms office the whole fucking day
  5. Buying chicken and then forgetting to cook it and letting it expire
  6. Trying to save money by not buying enough milk for myself then waking up and wanting a glass of chocolate milk but not being able to have it out of my own stupidity
  7. Staring at the four cartons of whole milk I bought for the kids and wanting to cry
  8. Not being able to pass the castle on level five of Codis Mario on DS
  9. Forgetting to adjust my DVR to record Americas Next Top Model
  10. Admitting I watch Americas Next Top Model
  11. Forgetting the other ten things I wanted to put on this list

Let's take a tour

A few years back I was reading Emery’s blog and I came across a picture of her sons room. She had made curtains for his closet instead of doors.  I have been obsessed with that idea forever now.  It became one of those things filed under "sure I’ll do that someday."  But then I got a sewing machine and I realized the theme of Brandon’s room wouldn’t change because he got older and he really does love camping and fishing so why not make curtains.  I found some awesome fishing pattern fabric and sewed me up some curtains.

But then I looked inside and it was boring.  So I got the idea to make it a fort.  My mom gave me the old crib mattress from work, I pulled out his favorite superman toddler bedding and behold  A FORT! (With a camping themed light)

Now when he gets out of the shower he goes in his fort and hangs out until he is dry.

If I close the curtains you can’t even see him, and he thinks he is super cool.

The hard hat is from my husbands friend who died.  His name was Cooper and that is where Brandon got his middle name.  The little barber sign is from my grandpa who passed away’s barber shop and the stamp collection my mom made him for Christmas.

My old neighbor was pretty crafty so she had me hang up the fishing pole and then she painted up a cute little fish on the end of the line.  The frame of the fishies are from Rob’s dad they are the fish he catches every week.  The frame on the right side of the dresser is pretty cool.  There is a house by my parents that used to be beautiful but it hasn’t been lived in for years.  When the movie monster house came out my parents told him that was the house.  So when he was old enough they went into that house.  Brandon was very brave.  After that my mom went and pulled up the floor boards to the house and had my cousin make a picture frame from them. Then they put a picture of him in front of the monster house in the frame.

Above his bed you can see two fishing bears.  Each Grandpa made him one.  Then there is the shadow box of fishing lures.  They are from both grandpas also.

This is his little room.  I like it.  He loves it.  You can see the antique school desk Rob brought me in the corner and his little bear clock that caught a fish.  The funny thing is I picked out this bedding two years ago because it was very boy like and I hoped he would grow up to be a BOY and not a pansy.  As much as I HATE fishing I have to admit I love that I have a dad who takes him out camping and gets him dirty and lets him play with nasty ass fish heads. 

(Although I bet he didn’t wash his hands before bed that night…"shudder")

So my dream came true, and his room was perfect.


So I wake up from the surgery and I'm thinking OUCH FUCK THIS HURTS.  Only, I don't want to be a pansy so I quietly say, "owwwwie."  The nurse comes over and gives me some liquid pain meds.  A few minutes pass and I am like uh, this shit still hurts fuckers.  So obviously I say "ouch this kinda hurts." (Although it probably sounded like oumsh fis hur…… drool pass out).  So the doctor gives me some pills to swallow.  Okay are they giving me fucking placebos here or what this HURTS.  Now say a little louder, "wow this sure hurts."  (Yeah I was the super tough girl in surgery…at least on the outside).  At this point they have rolled me into the room and they are like hey I'm going to give you some Demerol.  Okay cool.  

Nurse: Roll over please

Me: Okay

Me again: Wait what ROLL OVER oh shit fuck shes going to stick a needle in my ass NOOOOOOOOOO


The next thing I remember is laughing.  I look up and everyone in the room is laughing.  So I obviously say;

"What, did I fart?"

Never mind the fact that when you just come out of surgery you can't fart.  In fact you can't leave the hospital until you fart.  This only makes everyone laugh harder because I just said FART.  I guess they were laughing because I got the shot and suddenly just stopped talking mid sentence and kinda zonked out.  Barely any time passes and my doctor comes in and asks my pain level and I tell the truth and say it's about an eight.  He is so shocked.  I've got about 11 billion drugs in me.  But then we all remember the time I was on a MASSIVE dose of Lithium and my level should have been 6.0 but it was .01 because that is how quick I burn of meds.  So my doctor gets the bright idea to put me on a dilaudid drip.  Google that.  Basically my doctor put me on a liquid heroin IV. 


Some time passes and my legs get itchy.  I scratch my right leg, ooooh that shit feels good.  I scratch my left leg and…..NOTHING.  Uh.  SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH. 


I do the obvious thing and start poking myself and scratching and punching and I FEEL NOTHING.  The entire upper top of my left leg is numb.



In comes the nurse.

Me: Um, so my leg is numb

Nurse: Weird

Me: ……….. So it's numb what do we do about that

Nurse: Well this has never happened so uh, lets just wait and see

Me: Uh, okay I guess

I resume poking and scratching and still nothing.  Finally shift change happens and old nurse meets with new nurse and they talk about everything and I'm like UH HEY you forgot to mention the whole MY LEG IS NUMB BIT.

New nurse: Strange I've never heard of that, lets just wait and see.

My doctor comes in the next morning and I get so caught up in him telling me that since I'm a super healer I can totally go home the next day (only three days in the hospital hell yeah) as long as I can fart that I forget about my leg.  He said he will put in orders to have my staples removed and steri strips put on and then its PEACE OUT FOOL!

Lets just stop and point out the obvious.

He just asked me to admit to someone that I farted.  Uh, hello I am a lady I don't fart.  I'm fucked.  I spend the next 20 hours having nurses come in every two hours asking "have you passed gas yet honey."  Uggg kill me.  Finally I decide I've had enough and I say, "yup sure did." (lie lie lie lie lie).  My doctor is gone so the on call doctor comes in.  He decides to over ride my doctors order and tells me he won't remove my staples and I have to go home with them and see my doctor later in the week to have them removed.  

Well that's annoying.

Me: Oh by the way doctor, my leg is numb

Doctor: Weird (pokes my leg with his finger) I've never heard of that.  Why don't you just go home and see what happens.

Fuck me.  How long am I supposed to wait?

The nurse discharges me and gives me these neat little staple remover things to take to my doctor when I see him.

So I get home and I'm grumbling around in pain and my husband is all, "aww babe what's wrong?" To which I reply, "well I kinda lied, I didn't fart and IT HURTS OWIE OWIE OWIE OWWWWWWW."

Can you believe he got mad at me?  Something about how doctors make rules for a reason and I shouldn't have lied blah blah whatever.

I call my doctor and make an appointment to have my staples removed.  But it's me and curiosity is one of my bad qualities and the stupid staple remover won't stop looking at me so I do the obvious:

I pull out a staple.

Well…that was easy.  It just popped right out.  Looky there ANOTHER ONE came out.  The next thing I know all of the staples were gone and my husband walks in. 

(mental uh oh)

Me: Look babe I don't have to go to the doctor tomorrow I took my own staples out

Him: (with angry face) Dammit Shannon you are not a doctor you shouldn't do that

Me: Then why did they send me home with the remover thingy?


Me: Oh come on they had to know I would want to play with it


Me: Psh, shit I'm fine look there's nothing wrong

Him: Shakes his head and walks of

Me: Stares at my handy work proud of my staple removing.


The next morning I call the doctor and let her know I took out my own staples (she was less amused then my husband) but that my leg is still numb.  She tells me to come in so he can look at my leg because maybe I have a blood clot.  So I spend the next 12 hours thinking BLOOD CLOT GOING TO DIE WHAT ABOUT MY KIDS LEG FALLING OFF OMGOMGOMGOGM BLOOD CLOT HELPPPPPPPPP.

I go to the doctor and he looks at my leg and says, "You know, a lot of time the anesthesiologist will give you an epidural similar to a C-section one, but one that is meant to last a while and I'm willing to bet he aimed and hit the wrong nerve."



Could it really be that easy?  He said that made sense as to why I was in so much pain that day because the epidural went into the wrong spot.  The sad part is that he said it will probably be 6-8 weeks before it goes away.  Then he looks at my chart and starts laughing.

Doctor: You pulled out your own staples?

Me: Yup they gave me the little tool

Doctor: Wait, they didn't take them out?

Me: Nope they said I was getting released to early so I had to come here, then they gave me a little squeezy tool to bring you


Me: Well they didn't so I did the obvious thing and took them out myself with the squeezy tool

In the end he just laughed at me.  He said obviously the kind of retards that would send a curious girl home with surgical tools are the same assholes that would say, "huh just wait and see," with out even once LOOKING AT MY LEG.

It's been three weeks and if I really smush hard I can sort of feel my finger nails.  Barely but a little.

Know what feels really weird when your leg is numb? Shaving.  I'm all shave shave, shaving my calves, I totally feel this, la la there's my knee, uh….wtf I know I'm shaving but I feel nothing.  WHAT THE SHIT I CAN'T FEEL MY LEG .  I swear, shaving a numb leg is the weirdest feeling ever.