Part of what makes me a “Misguided” mommy is the things I did before I was a mommy. The misguided directions I took in life. I have some really good stories in me. Funny stuff. Raunchy stuff. Naughty stuff. Illegal stuff. Basically everything everyone wants to read in a blog. Every time I sit down to write I find myself frustrated. Because I know in order to increase readers, to draw you in, to get comments I HAVE TO TELL THE GOODS! That is where I find the problem. My family reads this. They know a lot of my shenanigans but they don’t know all of them and there is always a point in someone’s life where they have to say…”this is probably one of those stories I shouldn’t tell publicly.”

I end up shutting the computer and just walking away because I don’t want to force out a post and I can’t put up what I want. Do other readers have this problem? There are days I wish I could start all over and never tell a soul who I was. Be this amazing anonymous blogger who wrote stories about the time my friend and I drunk and peed on the grass at the very spot I got married two years later. A super secret blogger who tells funny sex stories that her parents and husband can’t read. Like the time a dog ate my panties and I had to go back to school with no undies on after my lunch break. (I still have those panties…what’s left of them). A blogger with no face just stories about marijuana, chicken tenders, and a very important first kiss.

I’ve always written. I’ve always had a journal. Online, written anything I’ve always documented my life. I wanted to be a writer when I got older. That manifested in wanting to teach high school English even. I have good stories in here. I imagine there are others out there like me. We have now been labeled a “mommy blog.” There are limits to what we can write about. Laundry, Johnny pooped in the potty and may husband is such a pain tonight. But I want to write the real stuff. I want to write my archives. My history. The things that 60 years from now my kids will want to know. The stories that the only other person who can tell them is the person who was there committing the crime with me.

Writing shouldn’t be this frustrating. It shouldn’t feel like a road block. So if you’re wondering about my lack of posting, this sums it up for you. I’m full of stories. Just not stories I can tell. Especially not the story about the “Golden Sombrero.”

Little Fucker

 

Look, he has his claws wrapped around my head one paw sunk into each ear and he is biting right into my head. ASSHOLE.

So he climbs the back of my chair with no warning.  Then he wraps both paws around my head and sticks in full claws.  Then he bites my hair until he manages to pull it all the way out of the pony tail.  Then he bites my head.  My phone rang during this so he went all crazy atack-o cat on my phone and bit it and then bit my head until I got off the phone.  

Little shit

Every three months or so I pull up my Google Analytics to see how people are finding me.  I’m going to post a couple, then return down a few times and post the naughty ones.  That means if you are in a reader you will need to click in to see some of the "interesting" things people search, that will bring them to me.

Ruined Panties (I don’t think I’ve ruined any panties lately)

Asshole moms (YES! That’s me)

 

 

And now.  Some of the things that PEOPLE ACTUALLY SEARCH ON THE INTERNET, and find me.

Ass fucking crazy moms (uh….)

Bad parenting tales (came to the right place)

Boys get in the ass by moms (logistically how does this even work)

Do women like to pee in there panties (no, it doesn’t feel very good, why do men?)

Everything I do annoys my husband (sure does)

I love angie hardage (who the fuck is angie hardage?)

Kids fucking moms ass (there are 7 different variations of this WTF)

Mommys boy smelling ass (eww…just EWWW)

Mommy slut tales (that would be a whole other blog)

Old ass bitches fucking (someone really wants to see that)

Rich moms are bitches (give me a million and we will see)

How to annoy my husband

Things to do to annoy husbands

Wash moms ass (now that is one hell of a punishment)

My husband tells me I drive him nuts (mine does, but why would you search this, what are you looking for?)

Shaving for a C-section (ahahahahah I know tons about this)

 

A few interesting things.  Tons of people have found my blog searching for the Gotti boys.  This thrills me because I thought I was the only one who watched that show years ago.

There is a million searches for people peeing during ultrasounds?  I never did that, did you?

I must write about Walmart a lot because searching Walmart and a few keywords always brings people to me.

Maybe I say Fuck too much?

I wrote about an ex boyfriend once.  I used his name.  13 people have found my blog searching his name.  That means he or someone else has searched this guy 13 times…I’m betting it’s him sitting at home Googling his own name.  And if it’s his girlfriends (that happened once, his girlfriend searched him and found me), they aren’t gonna love the story.  HAHAHAH sucks for you douche bag.

I honestly can’t believe how many people search for ways of annoying their husband.  There is over 30 variations of that search.  I like to think I’m creative enough to annoying him without the help of Google.

People Google too much!

Okay readers settle another fight with the husband and I. This one has existed for nine years.  Here are the questions:

1.  During Lent is it acceptable to eat fish?

2.  If yes, why?  Is a fish not an animal like a cow?

3.  Are ramen noodles made with chicken stock considered eating meat? 

 

Please please please PLEASE settle this fight.  Then I will tell you who thinks what?

Oh my gosh!!!!!!  I did it.  I signed up for BlogHer 2011!  There is so much to do now and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT!

I think I need business cards.  And I need a roommate.  And holy shit, I need to start saving and taking extra catering jobs to buy an iPad because Lord knows I’m not carrying my 17" Macbook all over that place.  So tell me friends WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO PREPARE FOR BLOGHER?  Give me all of your advice! Also let me know if you are going. I want to meet each and every one of you!!!!!!  Can’t wait.  

 

Brandon is in kindergarten.  He is on a track system though, that means he goes on two months off two months.  Which at first I thought was annoying until I had to entertain him for one month.  Then I thought, DEAR GOD HOW COULD I DO IT FOR THREE!!!!!!

 

 That means Codi got his first Preschool pictures

Brandon got his first Kindergarten pictures…it included his new, "I don’t know how to smile on command face anymore" face.

One thing is for sure.  Rob and I, we make beautiful boys.

I’ve had Brandon at work with me lately since he is off school.  We have been practicing sentences. 

I actually get really emotional about this.  Brandon can write.  And sound things out and read a little and I HAVE A FIVE YEAR OLD.  I can’t handle it.  When did my baby turn into a big boy?  When did he grow up so fast?  Its like high school is only a week away the way time has been flying.

I have spent a little time at the gym lately too.  I am embarrassed that I’m only at a 12 minute mile but it’s better then a 30 minute mile or NO MILE RIGHT?

My son has turned into the wing king.  In fact he loves wings so much we went on a date the other day and we to Buffalo Wild Wings.  He was so thrilled and so happy that I took him to a place that served nothing but his favorite food.  I also downloaded the ap SCVNGR and took a picture of my food and was able to receive $5.00 off $25.00 and my next visit I get 6 free wings.

He loved the wings.

So much so he got a hat that described him perfect WING NUT

My mom has actually be supremely understanding about my little mental breakdown (I have a feeling I’m going to have to hit rock bottom before I can get better) so she sent us off to the movies after this. So even though he hoovered a few wings he had plenty of room to hoover down a box of popcorn.
 

We saw Gnomeo and Juliet which was SOOOOOOOO CUTE.  Just so cute.  It was really cathartic spending that time with Brandon.  From there he talked me into getting him a ride on the mall shuttle.  Which really irritated the shuttle driver.  It was not the same nice lil old man this was some young kid who wanted my foot in his ass,  Brandon didn’t care.  He was thrilled.

Then we went to the Apple store and played with the iPad.  I left with out an iPad.  I don’t know how but I kicked myself the whole way out.  I WANT AN IPAD AS MUCH AS I WANTED KIDS.

The next day since Brandon got to go skiing Codi and I went to the dinosaur and dragon museum.  He was a little shy at first but then totally warmed up.

He liked this guys big sword.  He couldn’t give a shit about the Midlevil dresses though.

Tiny knight.

Mommy and me. Did I mention Codi is absolutly horrible at taking pictures these days.  Both boys are sooo sick of the camera.

Towards the end he was really excited to see the dinos

From then we played cut paper into a mess and glue and tape it onto paper.  He was so proud of that mess.

After that we found a big display of guns which thrilled guns because Codi thinks he is some kind of cowboy from back in the day,

After that we headed to the park where Codi got in trouble by another dad because he slid down this slide like Superman and then other dudes daughter wanted to do it and that REALLLLY pissed off her dad.

We spent a little more time at the park and then headed up to my grandmas house.  That involved Dairy Queen burgers, fries and chocolate Sudays,  Grams was thrilled,

Grams and Codi played squirt guns and he shot her till he pants were drenched,

Then he shot her dead.  It was so fun watching her spend that kind of time with my boys although, his Giants champion shirt might have had something to do with her love for him that day.

Then Codi got a "lil" something on his face.

I took them out and showed them the gulley behind grams house and they seriously can’t wait until the next time I take them down there with real shoes on.

After that uncle Chris came over and they all got very serious about Mario. I had to pry Brandon off Chris because he refused to let him leave.

 

Sunday we spent 3 hours at the park and Brandon and his friends reached a maximum level of dorkiness.

I did the best I could to shake the sillies out of Codi but they were still there when we got home.

Clearly I couldn’t get the sillies or dorkies out of Brandon.

You can see Codi and I were pretty tuckered out that night…until my husband started snoring and I lost all hope of sleep.  

Finally you can see why I had no hope of getting any work done Monday at work (not true I kicked ass at cleaned my desk, I just had to endure a few bites and scratches a long the way.)

Guess he loves a preheated seat.

So you can see I’ve been a little busy dorking out with my boys and battling with the cutest kitty ever.  I promise more updates soon when my Mac gets out of the the house.  That is, if I make it out  of the Apple store without and iPad tomorrow

Pray for my soul.

 

It’s that time of the year again.

                     

This means it’s time for me to climb the Silvery Legacy steps again.  I know your thinking, meh it’s just a few steps (something like 31 flights I think) but that’s a lot of steps.  Last year my husband and I trained and trained and trained.  We arrived all pepped up and dancing around like, “shit we got this, these stairs ain’t shit.” 

HA!

Those stairs kicked our ass.  We spent all this time working on muscle strength and climbing the stair master.  Then we got there and holy shit batman we shoulda been spending all of our time sprinting.  The best part though of the entire thing….was that Whole Foods was sitting there serving whole loaves of Greenlies Best Cinnamon Bread. 

WHOLE LOAVES PEOPLE.

I didn’t eat any but…Sure wanted to.

I’ll admit it was harder then we thought.  The firemen actually go first.  Dressed head to toe in full gear, tanks and all go ahead of us.  I can’t believe how fast those guys go.  But the best part of all.  After they go, they all come down and take off their gear and stand there shirtless in nothing but their fireman pants.  

Now there is a good reward.

You go in ten second intervals.  That means every ten seconds they send someone in.  There is a bunch of people standing there cheering you on which would have been fine except it got me all excited and made me start sprinting in there (because you have to sprint in front of the audience or you look like a dork right).  That’s a problem though because starting out at a full sprint winds you after about 2 flights and then 12 minutes later you feel like a dork because if you had paced yourself a little you could have finished it in 8 minutes instead. 

So yesterday the inevitable happened.  I started training.  I went to the gym.  I did a quick (12 minute doesn’t entirely qualify as quick but in my head it does) 1 mile run on the treadmill and then walked over to the stairmaster.  6 minutes & 20 flights in I WANTED TO DIE.  I know that I have to run to train this year since it ended up being a test of stamina and not strength but I still want to spend a little time on the Stairmaster.  

OWW

OWW

OWWWWWWW

I hate the Stairmaster.  I go back tomorrow and I’ll aim for 8 minutes. 

That means after I run and 7 minutes into my Stairmaster workout you need go ahead and call for a wheel chair.  Or maybe one of those big bouncy balloon things that will catch me when I fall off.  I might start climbing the stairs at my house on my off gym days too.

Did I mention I hate stairs?  Because I am terrified of falling down them.  Seriously I am almost thirty and I am AFRAID OF STAIRS.  Going down stairs in the dark is the worst.  I get anxiety thinking I’m going to slip and crack my back on the way down.  The bad part though, is I’m afraid to go up them now.  Every single time I go up the stairs now I freak out thinking, “omg I’m going to fall down, my head is going to crack the marble at the bottom, I’m home alone no one will know I’m dead down hear, shit I should bring my phone with me each time I climb stairs.”

Yes. I hate stairs.

Anyway it’s that time of year where I ask you to donate to my team.  We have to raise $75.00 for the climb.  I paid my $25.00 entrance fee and then I have to raise the rest by the climb or I have to pay it myself. (Kind of a demanding fundraiser huh, they put a required minimum donation amount).  You only have to donate $5.00.  You can donate here

https://secure3.convio.net/ala/site/Donation2?idb=1573790931&df_id=5460&FR_ID=3010&PROXY_ID=4172708&5460.donation=form1&PROXY_TYPE=20

Or contact me and I have a paypal account.  Each person who donates will be entered to win a $20.00 gift card to the place OF THEIR CHOICE!  Make sure you leave a comment on this blog to let me know you donated.  Then I will select a winner with a random number generator and contact you to find out where you want your gift card to.  That’s a great deal, you pay $5.00 but you get $20.00.

 

I leave you with a couple cute comics:

 

Here is what the website says, for more information:

. By making a contribution on my behalf, you will be helping the American Lung Association provide community based education programs, fight for cleaner air standards and fund life-saving research.

Asthma is the number one cause for school absenteeism and every day in this country at least 10 people die from an asthma attack, thus it is important that we provide disease management education to children when they are 8, 9 or 10 years old. Lung Cancer is the leading cause of cancer death globally and is woefully under funded when it comes to research, thus is essential that we generate the awareness needed to increase resources for advanced research projects. The average age for American’s to start a smoking habit is 14, thus it is critical that we get into the elementary schools and teach children about the dangers of tobacco use early.

My goal is to raise $100 for our cause. Please go to my personal web page and make a $5, $10 or $20 gift. All gifts are fully tax deductible as The American Lung Association is a 501(c)3 organization and is in fact one of the most recognized nationally for proper management of the resources entrusted them since they began in 1904. You will receive a notice in the mail from me thanking you for your gift which you can then use for your tax filing next year. You may also make checks payable to The American Lung Association (my climb team) and mail them to our local office.

Please take a deep breath….and be thankful that you can. Millions of others suffer from lung disease daily and your support makes the every day act of breathing that much easier for many people.

Together we can fight lung disease successfully.