My grandma loves to tell me stories. Since my other grandma passed away before I could get all of her worldly wisdom I always make sure to soak up everything my grandma says to me.
She told me this story once about how she grew up very poor. There was this girl in her elementary school who was super rich. She always had the fanciest dresses. The prettiest bows in her hair. The shiniest shoes. My grandma and her best friend didn't like her. She was also one of those rich girls that was a snob. One day my grandma got this great idea to trip the hoity toity girl. So while snotty mcsnot was walking up to the chalkboard my grandma and her best friend tripped her.
The one thing my grandma remembers the most is that miss fancy pants richy perfect face had HOLES IN HER UNDERWEAR. Grey holey underwear.
From that moment on my grandma's motto was, "it is not whats on the outside that counts it's what is underneath that matters."
Today I had to go in and get a steroid injection in my back along with a nerve block. I dressed comfy and headed off to the doctor. I expected them to offer me a gown to put on but instead they just put me on the table face down and before I knew it the young MALE assistant was pulling my pants down FULLY EXPOSING MY TUSHY. I was so embarrassed. My ass is in need of a tan, and OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T SHAVED AND MY PANTS ARE SHORT. This guy was seeing my leg hair and my tushy. The doctor came in and suddenly I had both men washing my butt.
Yes. Washing my butt. They had to sterilize it and what not before injecting me. We began chatting about how bad it would hurt. I may or may not have shouted FUCK pretty loud and both guys may or may not have giggled at me. People always wonder how I have ten tattoos but I'm afraid of shots. But come on this was FOUR needles. SIX INCH NEEDLES. He had to go in from my tush, turn it towards the side then using an x-ray machine follow the needle all over until he hit the right spot. That felt weird. But not as weird as the moment he went for the nerve block and pretty much said I was going to feel a weird popping pressure feeling when he punctured into the nerve.
OUCH SHIT FUCK COCK SUCKER THAT HURT.
Then he injected dye into my butt and I got this weird painful, numb, warm tingly feeling going down my leg.
Then I had to pee. Perfect timing. They laughed at me for telling them that. And giggled some more when I pointed out that we were having a conversation while my ass was propped a foot in the air butt naked.
Finally they said I was done and the assistant grabbed my pants and undies and pulled them up. THAT IS WHEN I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT.
I was wearing my old period panties. My super bright blue, saggy, ugly period panties.
MY GRANNY PANTIES.
Oh the horror.
I mean, the only saving grace is that I didn't have any holes in them. But they were neon blue, with a lame little rainbow elastic band and about 4 sizes too big. So big that when the pulled it all up my undies pulled up about two inches out of my pants and I had this weird panty bunch thing going on.
The moral of the story?
YOUR GRANDMA IS ALWAYS RIGHT. never ever ever go to the doctor without fresh panties, and shaved legs.
Also, send comfort food & pain medication because apparently having a FOUR 20" needles stuck in your back leaves you hurting like a mother fucker. It makes going from one job straight to a catering job where I had to lift stuff and be on my feet REALLY REALLY PAINFUL.
I called my grandma right after and told her I had my shot. Then I told her about the forgetting to shave my legs thing and she said, "Oh Shannon, please please tell me you wore fancy panties to the doctors office."
I will never ever forget my fresh fancy pants, hoity toity, underroos at the doctor again.
I felt it was my duty to pass this wisdom on to you. Promise me, the next time you go to the doctor you will shave all of the appropriate spots, wear your fanciest panties and put on the fancy good smelling lotion!