Charlie has allergies.  That is an understatement.  Charlie is allergic to the world.  So far, the one thing we know for sure is that Charlie is allergic to chicken.

This is a problem because everything for dogs contains chicken.  EVERYTHING.  Even the dog food that says "contains no chicken by products," has CHICKEN BROTH as the second ingredient in it. (Please someone explain that to me.)

Anyway what happens is that he starts itching.  Then he starts thumping.  Then you look over and he has his whole foot in his mouth trying to chew a hole in it, and he has a rash on his stomach, and blisters on his balls and DUDE IT IS BAD. 

My vet said the first thing we had to do was put him on a strict diet.  I had to hand over 3 weeks worth of pay for a bag of food that lasted about an hour.  It was predigested soy food and the plan was to let him eat only that for a few weeks then slowly introduce other stuff and find out what else besides chicken he is allergic to (see also: AIR). The plan worked for about an hour. Then, while talking about the plan on the phone with my vet Charlie managed to get into the garage where the litter box is and Hoover as much cat shit as possible.

Commence itching. 

This happens at least once a week.  Somehow he always finds a way in there and immediately starts itching.  I have yet to decide if he's allergic to actual cat shit, or the things the cats eat, or the chicken that is in the cats food that they eat and then shit out.

Oh, hey cat food.  He loves to hunt that down too and can swallow a whole bag of it in about 13 seconds.  That REALLY makes him itch.  He doesn't care.

The vet and I discuss a new plan of putting him on the hypoallergenic food and keeping him AWAY from the cat litter.  But then I find him out in the yard where the chickens were.  Aside from his life long quest to eat just ONE of my chickens he is also on a quest to eat every piece of chicken shit to ever exist.  

CHICKENS SHIT A LOT.

Now I'm not a scientist, but I would assume that if he is allergic to chickens he's probably allergic to their shit too right?

More itching.  

Then, he goes rolling in the grass and makes sure to lube his body up real well in chicken shit.  

You guessed it.  

MORE ITCHING.

By now he's itching so bad that I have to give him a Benadryl.  Lets think about this okay.  I have to put my fingers in his mouth and down his throat.  You know, the mouth that is now full of cat shit and chicken shit.  

Just makes my day.

Also, I use a lot of soap. 

In an effort to keep him out of the chicken shit I got the idea to take him running on my lunch break for exercise.  Guess what.  BIRD SHIT OUTSIDE!  Now I'm no expert but I would think if your allergic to a chicken you are probably allergic to a quail.

So here we are running, I'm grooving to Willie Nelson and the next thing I know my arm is being taken off because my dog has found a spot where the birds perch and do nothing but shit all day. After recovering from nearly eating pavement I drag him away from there and we continue running.  Only some how, he finds more shit on the ground.

This is where Charlies biggest life problem occurs.  Because right at the very moment that he is happily chewing a HUGE MASSIVE piece of bird shit, the UPS man drives down the road.  Since Charlie is afraid of his shadow he of course has to start barking at the UPS truck.  Only, barking causes the shit to fall out of his mouth.  I stopped and watched this happen.  The exact moment his head nearly imploded because he couldn't decided whether he wanted to eat the bird shit or bark at the UPS guy.  He ended up doing this weird combo of half barking and half licking shit as it fell out of his mouth. 

I stood there wanting to puke.

I have no idea what to do.  It seems like all dog food has either chicken or eggs in it.  And I can't be sure, but I'd think if you are allergic to chickens you are probably allergic to eggs.  The entire world is covered in bird shit.  Even when I block him from the litter box he manages to find petrified cat shit outside.  He's also addicted to tissues and paper towels.  

CHARLIE LOVES TISSUE. 

Charlie also loves shoes.  Which makes me think.  With all the cat shit eating, and chicken shit eating, and bird shit eating….that hes probably chewed a decent amount of shit into my shoes.  And when he comes up and licks my arm, it's safe to say he just smeared bird shit on me.  And when he runs up and chugs down the chocolate milk that Brandon left on the table, I just assume he's now swirled cat shit into the milk.

Charlie loves his green monkey

Charlie also loves worms.  He likes cucumbers.  I loves to eat my bras.  He really likes my socks.  My left shoes taste better then my right ones.  He sometimes will eat just plain ole dirt. He likes pistachio shells (SHELLS PEOPLE SHELLS, NOT THE NUT BUT THE SHELL).  He can sniff out my coffee from a mile away.  But mostly, Charlie really really really wants to eat my chickens.

(please mommy can I has just one chickenz)

I have no idea what else he is allergic to because I can't get his system clean enough to try introducing other foods.  But I think, for now I'm just going to say he's allergic to air, and is going to spend his entire life on allergy pills.