Catching up with the men in my life

Brandon is six now.  His attitude is more like a 13 year old girl.  I love this little guy to pieces but man is his arguing going to kill me. 

Brandon is complex.  He is sensitive.  He cries easy, loves hard, hugs often and can be so full of joy.  He is a never ending pit of hunger.  3 Eggs and bacon don't make a dent in his stomach.  I'm not sure my chickens can keep up with his egg yolk addiction.  I know I can't keep up with his constant need for food.  

He is in first grade now.  Reading and writing now.  It blows my mind.  How come my little baby boy is suddenly studying for spelling tests?  He's gotten in a fight at school.  All the girls love him.  He's learning to play the drums. And he asks more questions then ten four year olds combined.


Brandon is thoughtful, and poetic, and as emotional as me.  We fight a lot.  I'm not sure which of us is more stubborn but from my point of view it's him.  THE KID IS STUBBORN.  He wakes up at the crack of dawn and passes out early every night.  If I try sleeping in too late he wakes me up to notify me that it's been over 15 minutes and he hasn't eaten food.  He draws the cutest pictures.  He writes the funniest stories.  He purposely ignores every word out of my mouth.

Codi just turned four.  I'm at a loss.  I don't compute.  Four??? FOUR!

Codi growing up is the hardest on me.  He was my last baby.  I can't have any more babies and now my last one is growing up.  He's writing his name.  He's bossy as shit, and he plays me like a fiddle.  Codi can cry big crocodile tears on command.  He blames everything on his brother and won't enter a room without the light on.  

He still exists on nothing but chicken nuggets and pancakes, although he has progressed from aggrivatingly small silver dollar pancakes to an actual full size pancake and sometimes it's even allowed to have syrup on it.

Codi is the only kid in his class who can write his name.  He learned it in one night.  He wanted his name tattooed on my wrist like his brothers.  Codi will not go to sleep unless I'm laying next to him.  He is a snuggle bug who loves his blanky, his pillow pet (a moose, named moosey) and his stuffed moose (also named moosey). He wont' wear the same pair of pajamas two nights in a row and he refuses to put his clothes inside the hamper.  They must be set RIGHT NEXT TO THE HAMPER. 

He's getting so cute.  Girls come running after him when we get to school.  He has no idea how much the girls like him.  I don't understand it either since most of the time the Codi I see looks like this:

Codi gets nightly bloody noses and if I don't turn on the humidifier I can expect him to wake up screaming BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD and then soak his expensive ass Pottery Barn sheets in bright red blood.  He wakes up with shit like this in his nose daily:

They fight with each other over everything.  They hit each other with stuff.  Steal from each other and blame the other one for whatever is broken, wet, spilled, lost, cracked, or shattered.

They are the light of my life.  

But hot damn are they exhausting.

Add to that my third child.


Charlie is like a dog constantly on crank.

How is life with Charlie?

Charlie is insane.  He never stops.  He is constantly in BOLD CAPS AND TRAILED BY EXCLAMATION POINTS.

Even when he does slow down he does it at his own speed…he won't even sleep in the fucking bed.

Charlie is fully potty trained.  But, just for funsies two weeks ago he started marking my house.  But not just my house, he PEED IN MY BED.  I found out when I got in the bed and pulled the soaking wet pee soaked sheets up ONTO MY FACE.  He marked Brandons bed, Brandons curtain, my plant, a chair, the toilet (so close), the laundry hamper, the other corner of the bed, my office, my dad's backpack, an employees backpack, a wall, a door and OMFG WHEN DOES IT STOP.  Charlie got neutered on Monday.  


But Charlie loves me like crazy.  He follows me everywhere.  If I am gone he sleeps on my shoe, or my sweater or anything that smells like me.  His best friend is a cat.  He's hell bent on eating my chickens and he thinks the world is one giant chew toy.  Charlie is loyal.  He lays on my feet.  He lays on my side of the bed.  He sits on my lap.  He rides in the car next to me.  He makes me smile daily.  Charlie is like my kids.  He drives me absolutely fucking insane but I sure couldn't picture my life without him.  

The women in my life though…they are totally kicking ass!

Am Keurig K-cup discount shopping WINNING

I bought a Keurig about 3 weeks ago.  I've never spent two days more jacked up then I did those first days of owning it because people I HAD TO PLAY WITH IT.  I use my Keurig for everything.  I stick my instant cream of wheat under there, set it on the low cup setting and BAMN cream of wheat.  I do the same with my oatmeal.  When I pack the boys lunch I like to put boiling water in their thermos before I put food in so it is nice and warm and keeps it warm.  Now? Press button on Keurig BAMN hot warm thermos. I want to hug this machine daily.

My problem was the price of the K-cups.  They were almost $12.00 for the smallest box.  My bigger problem was the lack of flavored coffees.  I like to mix up my mornings with a different flavor each day without cluttering my fridge with different creamers.  

But yesterday I hit pay dirt.



And there on a little end cap was a huge display of Keurig K-cups.  FLAVORED ONES.  Good brand too! for $7.99 each.  I only grabbed two because I was Christmas shopping but today I'm having buyers remorse feeling like I should go buy stock in the:

But especially the most fragrant wonderful delicious thing I've ever smelled ever, more of these:

Oh baby.  My house smells like some kind of oozing really expensive chocolate raspberry candy.  Like I'm rich and I could take a bath in it or something.  There were other flavors too.  And tea.  And cocoa and OMG WHY DIDN'T I BUY MORE???????

Oh, I started out so joyful but now….how can I live with myself if I don't rush right back to TJ Maxx, shove everyone out of the way towards the breakables and throw the whole display in my cart and then run away screaming "I won bitches you get nothing."

I really never learn

Three times this week I let my gas tank look like this.  THREE TIMES. 


Wearing neon lime green socks is not acceptable if your shoes don't cover the socks up.  I do this at least twice a week and the looks I get from other mothers at the school when they see my socks are not okay.


I really need to stop doing my nails before catering.  The bleach water strips my polish off in about 2 minutes.  Complete waste of the 30 minutes I spent on this last night.


You would think I would learn that if my puppy suddenly gets an overload of testosterone and starts marking his territory in the house that I should keep him confined to one area.  That way I wouldn't come home from a 16 hour day and cuddle up in bed with soaking wet pee blankets ON MY FACE.  He also peed on the corner of my sons bed, my desk chair, my fake house plant that I love, my husbands snuggle pillow, on the toilet, the laundry basket, and near my sons door.

He got neutered today.

I am still mad at Kim Kardashian over her divorce.  I'm totally team Hump.  I'm sorry but…she's an idiot, and if she knew she was making a mistake THEN FUCKING DON'T DO IT.  I feel horrible for Chris.  Horrible for his pastor and his family.  Becuase of this I deleted every Kardashian related thing off my Tivo because I'm so mad at it.  Correction.  Mad at HER.

I will never learn to say no to work.  I have blisters.  My hands are going numb.  My back hurts.  My leg hurts but I've commited to working two more events this week.

I have not bought a single Christmas present.  I AM FUCKED.


The banks are conspiring against me

Trying to run errands for work today. First bank only has one lane open. And only one teller in the whole bank. Second bank had a crazy ass line. And the third one? It was surrounded by geese. We all had to honk and wait for the geese to move. I’m sitting here hoping this guy Hurries up because I still have to go to the contractors board and I already know how slow the old lady there is.
I just wanna get this done so I can get back to my desk. Pretend to get caught up and maybe eat breakfast.
I’m working both jobs all week and I work a double Saturday. I have not bought A SINGLE CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Since I’m scheduled to work so much I have. I idea when I will buy presents. So friends I’m giving you a heads up now. You might get presents some time in February.
Also. Am very tired.
Feet hurt.
And I’ve baked over 300 cookies in the last five days. I never want to see another sugar cookie or cookie cutter.
Also again. Am allergic to gingerbread cookie dough. Hands are all red and itchy.
More also. IM STARVING and all I have is lame yogurt. Woe is me.
Email me some jokes or funny stories. I need some giggles please.

15 Quick Things to Catch You Up

1. I have an unhealthy obsession with Nutella.
2. I’ve been working two jobs for the last few months, but lately I’ve been working them both in the same day. I’m super exhausted hence the lack of posting.
3. Did you know that when you spend all night cooking and all weekend catering you don’t want to cook dinner or any meals at home because the thought of chopping one more thing makes you want to chop a finger nail off.
5. I totally almost cut a finger off the other night I was so tired, thank god for long fingernails, saved the day.
6. I skipped number four.
7. You are now looking up to check that.
8. I want to hug and cuddle my new Kuerig. I use it for all kind of things besides just making coffee. But I can tell you, I was so so so jacked up the first two days I had it from playing with it.
9. Doctors tip really well.
10. They also throw pretty awesome parties.
11. The Pinterest humor section has become a problem.
12. Fig Netwon crisps are heaven sent!
13. you didn’t even notice there are only 13 here