Thing one: When will I learn to wait 45 seconds to take a drink of my tea after I take it out of the microwave?  How many times did I burn my mouth yesterday? EVERY TIME I USED THE MICROWAVE TO REHEAT MY TEA.

Thing the second: I'm giving up gluten, coffee, dairy and most sugar.  I'm keeping the honey.  So last night when I baked these I was in hell.  I didn't take a single bite of them.  

And this morning when I woke up to see them again, with the glaze all dry and crispy and I knew how delicious they were I was even more grumpy.  Why does everything good in the world have gluten & eggs?

Numero trés:  I love raising chickens.  It is so much fun.  They are so cute and loving.  I love how the little dorks sleep out in the rain, the snow and the wind.  They don't even care what the temperature is they are just going to sleep on their little perch.

 I love collecting the eggs and I love watching them take dirt baths.  I promise, this is how chickens get clean.

#4 This is what I do at my second job.  Every thing on this plate contains eggs, gluten and dairy.  Do you know what it is like to do this all day and never take a single bite.  But look how pretty my work is.

5: I have had at least 3 kids at my office every day last week.  They were driving me crazy.  Finally  my dad stepped in to give me a hand.  Finally some peace and quiet!

And the best part is Brandon and his friend thought it was hilarious!

Number 6: The winner:

You guys reading your stories was HILARIOUS.  I loved it.  I wanted to pick based on who had the worst story but they were all pretty bad so I did a random number generator and the winner is #4

Rachael said… 

I sure hope you are doing a random drawing, because if you are actually judging on the mortification factor, I think Kim wins hands down. I don't really have any except for the other day I got home from being out and my mom had been babysitting my kids, she is super nice and always picks up the toys at the end of the night… at some point after she'd left I noticed a toy on top of the cable box in the living room… I have no idea if she found it and put it there, or if the baby had found it and brought it out… I will never know because it's not like I'm going to ask. So, yeah…

 

So Rachael please email me with your address so I can mail you your prize!

 

And as a runner up, since I got two of them Kim you are also winning a double bullet for this entry because OMG.  Please email me your address.

Kim Mueller said… 

My son was 6 at the time and when I placed my one and only toy order they sent me two of the smaller vibrators with a changeable tip. Although this one doesn't look like one at all so used the extra one as a massager on my head when I got a migraine. Promise. Well, it was under a pillow from when I had a migraine the night before and I had no idea Little Man grabbed it and took it in the car on the way to walmart. I heard this noise coming from the back seat and some giggling and immediately knew what he had. So I asked for it back and he said, "But mom, it makes my penis hard." I was mortified and asked for it back again and he said, "Mom it feels SO GOOD!" OMG. So I threw it in my purse and did my shopping in walmart…ever so careful not to accidentally pull that out of my purse. OOOOOPS. Is it not super funny that my first captcha was HOR!!! BWAHAHAHAH. Just missing the W and the E.

 

And because I felt so bad for Jenna S I am awarding you a $5.00 Starbucks gift card.  Please email me your mailing address. Or if you have an iPhone I can email you the code to input into the Starbucks ap and you can use that to purchase coffee.  Here is her entry

 

Jenna S. said…  Okay, I am going to leave two comments, not so much because I want 2 entries, but because I am not so sure if the first counts… I was lounging at my folk's house one day and Ma asked if I would help her clean her bedroom. I figured what the heck she's getting older and it would be nice of me. We were almost finished with the room when she says "I have some things you can have if you want them" and heads for her dresser. I'm thinking clothes she doesn't want or that don't fit. She starts out by pulling some naughty undies and such out saying that they are new she was never brave enough to wear them. I mean they were naughty enough I was wondering if I was even brave enough, lol. Then she proceeds to pull out some plastic bags. I think there was like 3, but I can't remember so well. She looks into the first and says "not this one". From the second she pulls out a dual pleasure dildo…at this point I panic. She hands it over to me and says I never opened it. At this point I am done…I just walk away pretending that nothing has changed, but knowing I am dying on the inside. Now let me tell you about my mom so you understand just how astonished I was. She was like 50 when this happened. We've never discussed or bordered any naughty subjects…I am one of those adults that for some odd reason think that their parents didn't have sex to create them, so yeah.