Tonight was one of the first times that I've truly tested my theory of Jack. You see as I mentioned before I have trust issues. So you can imagine my…what's the word…utter despair?? Today when I found out I was being lied to. By family. Not even that, but using Jacks theory I argued for this persons honor. I argued that they weren't gambling again, that they weren't lying to their family again, I FOUGHT FOR THEM. In fact it wasn't until I drove to the casino and had the cashier tell me to my face that yes this person was DOING IT AGAIN that I believed it. I was heart broken. My kids came to mind, my family, my own selfish anger at being let down again but mostly I feared for my dad. Because I knew that as much as he would never admit it he was the one getting hurt the most out of all of this.
I came home and told my husband point blank that this person was never to see my kids again. I got angry. My husband tried talking to me. He tried telling me that we had to forgive this person, stand by them, be there for them. I got more upset. I started crying and asked him how many more times he would want his wife let down. I asked him if he would be fine when it was a few years down the road and it was his kids crying in front of him because of this person. I asked him if he liked seeing me sit there crying? I was pissed. How many more times in my life is this going to happen. My husband said simply, "maybe this time if we all stand by him and watch let him know we won't give up the outcome will be different this time."
I walked out of the house in a huff.
I went over and started talking to the person and while doing that I saw the bracelet on my hand. WWJD
WHAT WOULD JACK DO?
I then remembered his sons words at his fathers funeral, "my dad didn't do things for other people for a thank you or a payback, he did them to know he did the right thing and he helped someone out. He only ever did what he thought Jesus would have done." Suddenly I changed my tune. I realized that walking away from this person was nothing but selfish on my part. I realized that jack would have stood by his family, Jack would have never just walked away, he would have pulled everyone together and supported his family.
I talked to my family member and told him that as of now I was going to do that. My family (husband, kids) were going to support him. I saw him suddenly open up a little, I saw him recognize what had happened. I don't know what the out come will be but I do know that I will sleep better tonight knowing that I didn't just run away. I will feel better knowing that this wont' be a repeat of when my grandpa died and I didn't forgive myself for months that I had stopped speaking to him for 2 years over something little.
Tonight I feel like I made a grown up decision. I made a decision I can live with. I did what Jack would do. I stood beside my family. I supported someone. I made a good choice. And if he burns me again I don't know what I will do…but if he DOESN'T I will be so proud of myself knowing that I was part of this. That I helped him past this bump in the road, that I helped his recovery. I think at this point I would rather know that I was part of the solution then spending the next ten years wondering if I was part of the problem. You guys know how I over analyze things. You all know how my brain never shuts down. You know that if I had walked away and he regressed that I would have beat myself up over it for years.
So, here is hoping Jack is right. Here's hoping I made the right choice tonight. Here is hoping that having a little faith in Jack, Jesus and my husband will get me somewhere.
Thank God for tiny little blue bracelets to remind me of what is really important in life.