I went to the doctor today about my broken finger (don’t ask). While there we got to talking about how my iron is low AGAIN. Then I casually mentioned I had quit eating gluten. The doctor said that was good. Then I mentioned that I cut down my dairy intake a lot. This made her ears perk up. Knowing that I’m a vegetarian and now I’ve cut down dairy she was worried. I thought that would be a perfect time to tell her I quit eggs too. And coffee.
Now I was in trouble.
She started raving about B12 and iron and holy shit why did I open my mouth? I have been losing feeling in my hands for months now and had paid a shit ton of money to see an orthopedic doctor. My physician today informed me that the lack of B12 is what was causing that. She started writing up a prescription for iron and asked why I quit eating eggs. I had to tell her the truth.
It was Google’s fault.
I told her about Googling to find out when my chickens would lay eggs and how I then saw a picture of a chicken uterus and then my whole entire head exploded and I haven’t ingested an egg in any form since (chocolate cake I miss you). She was really laughing at me then.
But it got worse.
Because then the nurse walked in with a B12 shot. But the liquid was red. Natural the first thing I said was,
“Wait, you want to inject beetles in my butt?”
That stopped the whole office. Of course I had to explain to them how I found out that often red dye is made up of crushed beetles and that being a vegetarian and A SANE HUMAN BEAN I didn’t like eating beetles which meant I haven’t had anything red from Starbucks or Snapple in a year or so. They started laughing so hard. They couldn’t believe that I was really asking if my vitamin shot had beetles in it.
Here I just told them Google ruined me on eggs, and I had already told her about my visual freak out with hot dogs and burgers, and how I had sweet little baby chickens and because of that I could never eat a chicken again because they are my friends and then I just had to pop off and open my mouth about the beetles.
They didn’t know what to do. It’s not like the shot came with an ingredients list. They were torn between laughing really hard at me and worrying that they were going to inject a vegetarian with meat. In the end I said I would suck it up and take the beetles this one time .they were still giggling when I walked out.
I will never learn will I?