Want to see my husband really lose his mind.  Let me load the dishwasher.  I swear his whole entire brain implodes.  I don't know why, because clearly my way is the best way.  But whooo boy does that man melt down when I play with the dishes.  Tell me, is there anything you do that drives your spouse insane????

 

Step one: Get in shower.

Step two: Get all wet and covered in soap.

Step three: Look down and notice a spider hiding behind a bottle on ground.

Step four: Totally freak out because it’s going to kill you dead right now.

Step five: Shoot it with water, watch it shrivel up and die

Step six: Strut around like you’re totally awesome (as much as you can strut in small shower)

Step seven: Turn around to shave legs

Step eight: Look over shoulder to see spider came back to life and is still hiding behind bottle.

Step nine: Regret previous strutting

Step ten: Panic because if you turn around to shower the spider will go into attack mode

Step eleven: Stealthly move bottle then jump to other side of the shower and panic. Shoot spider with tons of water and coax it down the drain.

Step twelve: Spend remainder of shower in full panic mode because obviously the spider latched onto a stray hair in the drain and is going to crawl back up and bite me on the ass while I’m not looking and shave.

Step thirteen: Look over shoulder for ten minutes.

Step fourteen: Give up, get out and put on extra deoderant!

Dear Taco Bell,

Please stop selling the Doritos Loco tacos.  I'm addicted.  As long as you are selling them I will be eating them.  My waist line kindly asks that you discontinue this item.

Sincerely,

Orange dust on my nose

*******

Dear Door,

I don't appreciate you being closed last night so that I slammed into you face first in the dark.  Also, next time you pull a prank like that please make sure my husband isn't right there to witness the loud CRASH as I go walking into the door.

Love,

Ouch, that shit hurt.

*******

Dear chickens,

Can you please, PLEASE, stop shitting in the same spot you are laying the eggs.  I really didn't appreciate reaching in to grab eggs this morning and sticking my hands right into a steaming, soft, smushy pile of chicken shit.  Not at all.

Sincerely,

Covered head to toe in sanitizer

*******

Dear dog,

You are pushing it.  Please stop chewing on stuff.  Please stop eating whole loaves of bread & the bag they come in.  My glasses are not a toy stop chewing on them and burying them out back.  Stop eating my bottles of nail polish.  Stop trying to eat an entire bottle of Benadryl.  Do not eat my nail file.  Pencils are bad for you.  Trash is bad for you.  Childrens artwork is BAD, did you enjoy shitting green for a week?  You have a full bowl of food, why don't you try eating that.

Sincerely,

Looking into glue factories

******

Dear eye glasses,

I know you think it is cute when you hide from me in plain sight.  I do not find this cute.  When I check in my office THREE times and you are not there it is unacceptable to then be IN MY OFFICE the next morning half tucked under a piece of paper laughing at me.  Do you know what kind of headache I had the next day because I was forced to read an entire romance novel without glasses?   A BIG HEADACHE.  If you could just stay on my head that would be great.  Thanks.

Love,

Blind…hey where are my glasses

*******

Dear little old ladies,

This is my busy season at work.  While I don't mind taking a little time to chat I do not have time to hear about every death in your family, divorce, birth, break up and the new sore you found on your back.  Also, I can only repeat myself so many times before I start to cry from the horror of it all.  I can't speak any louder or any slower.  Please please please call me back next week when I'm not spinning in circles.

Love, 

No I don't want to see your rash

********

Dear six year old,

It is the first week of school.  How have you already had to be separated for talking to friends????  How is this possible.  You only had to behave for five days.  Was five days too many?  

Sincerely,

Facepalm

********

Dear four year old,

I'm on to you, stop crying to get your way.  Also, when I yell at you stop looking at me all sweet and saying, "huggy."  You are still in trouble even if I hug you.  Interrupting me while I'm grounding you to say, "I love you," is NOT going to make me unground you.  

Love,

You are smart, but mom is smarter

******

Dear bras,

I just want to thank you for years and years of protection from boob sweat.  I went a day without wearing one of you last week and it was the worst day of my life.  As I was standing there talking to someone and sweat trickled off my boob, dripped down onto my stomach and a sudden water mark appeared on my shirt I wanted to die.  Even though it was 6pm I ran right home and quickly put on a bra.  Never again, I've learned my lesson.  You are vital to my life.

Your friend,

Strapped in and secure for life!

I woke up today and it's the first day of second grade for Brandon. I'm not sure how this happened. Second grade feels so old. It feels like he suddenly a grown up. Like he will be asking me for the keys to my car tomorrow. The worst part though is this almost seven year old attitude he's developed.

You guys this child puts any teenage girl to shame with his 'tude. (and if my iPhone corrects that word once more it will meet the wall). This morning he was all stompy up the stairs and all, "duh mom," and all, "I know mom you don't have to tell me im not a kid." And there was for sure some behind the back face making (okay maybe that was me).

I was smart enough this time to tell him not to put his shirt on until he finished his breakfast because this child is a professional at finding ways to dirty his clothes. I watched careful as he ate secretly so proud of myself for having the for site to keep his shirt off when I watched him drop a giant glob of egg yolk on his shorts.

FACEPALM

Then of course he got in about five fights with his little brother over such important things as,

*Who gets to sit in what chair

*Why is it a problem that Brandon wants to sit on Codi's head

*Argue because one kid is watching TV on how iPod and the other one had the audacity to watch over his shoulder

*Codi looked at Brandon

*Brandon looked at Codi

If you are wondering about me, I'm hiding in the bathroom with a cup of coffee while they fight it out in the kitchen.

Good parenting right here y'all.

Second grade. I'm so not ready for second grade.

*I wrote this on my iPhone. Please excuse spelling errors I don't know how to spell check on here and this stupid phone has a way of sneaking in auto corrected words after I swear I checked it and made sure it was right.

Bosses never listen you know!  For about eight months I've been engaged in battle of the butter cream with my boss.  What it comes down to is that she loves butter cream.  I mean LOOOOVES.  Like an unnatural love of it.  Not like my love of chocolate because any love of chocolate is a good love, a natural, wonderful pure love like nature intended love to be. 

I've always disliked butter cream but my biggest dislike came about 3 years back on my birthday. My cousin showed up with a cupcake that I had been coveting from Whole Foods.  I bit into and nearly died.  The frosting was butter cream.  It was hard too. In fact it was exactly like biting right into a stick of butter.  I got sick the next day.  Like laying on the bathroom floor announcing to the world that I was in fact dying and would never recover.  I threw up lots.  I whined lots.  Basically I acted an awful lot like a sick man.  I blamed the butter cream.  For a month after that I couldn't eat butter in any form.  And still to this day I won't eat anything with butter cream near it.  

No.  Just. NO

Anyway for a few months I made her damn butter cream and put it on EVERYTHING.  Then a few weeks ago she asked me to put butter cream on a red velvet cake.  That was it.  I had an almighty hissy fit.  But she said that she had put butter cream on the menu presented to the client that I had to make it. And that I worked for her and she said to do it.  

So I did it.

Begrudgingly.

And guess what?????

The customer got mad.  They knew I was the baker and asked what kind of person put butter cream on a red velvet cake instead of cream cheese frosting.  I texted my boss an "I told you so," so fast.  She just laughed it of.  And then told me to make more butter cream.

What really upset me was cleaning dishes at the end of any even when I would find globs and globs of butter cream frosting on the plate.  Because EVERYONE always wipes the frosting off and eats the cupcake.  ALWAYS.  Do you know how hard it is to scrape that off plates?  It's hard.  It's even harder when someone stacks seventeen plates on top of each other so that both sides of the plate are covered in it. Then at the end of the night there is so much butte floating on the surface of the water and all over your arms while washing dishes that you are sure that the butter is seeping into your pores.  I bet you never look at butter cream the same. 

Then I was doing a party where the client had called in a large baking company in Reno to provide the cakes.  In the end the lady had a melt down.  She ordered cakes with certain frostings and every one of them came with that gross grocery store frosting.  Even the red velvet cake.  She was livid because that one specified CREAM CHEESE FROSTING.  Just for fun I texted my boss.  I could sense her eye roll from 10 miles away.  

So two weeks ago when my boss informed me that she was going out of town and that I would be in charge of the upcoming events I got excited.  Especially when she told me I needed to make red velvet cakes & cupcakes.  I looked her in the eye and said, "Lady, I am NOT putting butter cream on these."  She stopped washing dishes, gave up and said, "fine, Shannon you are in charge.  I don't care."

I took advantage of that statement.  

First I made chocolate cupcakes.  For frosting I made a whipped cream vanilla frosting and then added in some Torani coffee syrup in tiramisu flavor.  They were divine.

Then I made a white wine cupcake.  For the frosting I made a white chocolate Riesling frosting.  Whoa.  My mind was blown.

Then I made red velvet cupcakes.  For the frosting I made CREAM CHEESE FROSTING DUH!

And y'all know what?  Not a single drop of frosting was left on any plate.  None.  They ate the shit out of those cupcakes.  

Of course I immediately texted my boss gloating.  She wrote me back and said, "fine, you can be in charge of frosting from now on."

I WIN THE BUTTER CREAM BATTLE.

My god I hate butter cream.

I got spotlighted again!  Thank God for kids who just don't know when to stop.