Dear Taco Bell,

Please stop selling the Doritos Loco tacos.  I'm addicted.  As long as you are selling them I will be eating them.  My waist line kindly asks that you discontinue this item.

Sincerely,

Orange dust on my nose

*******

Dear Door,

I don't appreciate you being closed last night so that I slammed into you face first in the dark.  Also, next time you pull a prank like that please make sure my husband isn't right there to witness the loud CRASH as I go walking into the door.

Love,

Ouch, that shit hurt.

*******

Dear chickens,

Can you please, PLEASE, stop shitting in the same spot you are laying the eggs.  I really didn't appreciate reaching in to grab eggs this morning and sticking my hands right into a steaming, soft, smushy pile of chicken shit.  Not at all.

Sincerely,

Covered head to toe in sanitizer

*******

Dear dog,

You are pushing it.  Please stop chewing on stuff.  Please stop eating whole loaves of bread & the bag they come in.  My glasses are not a toy stop chewing on them and burying them out back.  Stop eating my bottles of nail polish.  Stop trying to eat an entire bottle of Benadryl.  Do not eat my nail file.  Pencils are bad for you.  Trash is bad for you.  Childrens artwork is BAD, did you enjoy shitting green for a week?  You have a full bowl of food, why don't you try eating that.

Sincerely,

Looking into glue factories

******

Dear eye glasses,

I know you think it is cute when you hide from me in plain sight.  I do not find this cute.  When I check in my office THREE times and you are not there it is unacceptable to then be IN MY OFFICE the next morning half tucked under a piece of paper laughing at me.  Do you know what kind of headache I had the next day because I was forced to read an entire romance novel without glasses?   A BIG HEADACHE.  If you could just stay on my head that would be great.  Thanks.

Love,

Blind…hey where are my glasses

*******

Dear little old ladies,

This is my busy season at work.  While I don't mind taking a little time to chat I do not have time to hear about every death in your family, divorce, birth, break up and the new sore you found on your back.  Also, I can only repeat myself so many times before I start to cry from the horror of it all.  I can't speak any louder or any slower.  Please please please call me back next week when I'm not spinning in circles.

Love, 

No I don't want to see your rash

********

Dear six year old,

It is the first week of school.  How have you already had to be separated for talking to friends????  How is this possible.  You only had to behave for five days.  Was five days too many?  

Sincerely,

Facepalm

********

Dear four year old,

I'm on to you, stop crying to get your way.  Also, when I yell at you stop looking at me all sweet and saying, "huggy."  You are still in trouble even if I hug you.  Interrupting me while I'm grounding you to say, "I love you," is NOT going to make me unground you.  

Love,

You are smart, but mom is smarter

******

Dear bras,

I just want to thank you for years and years of protection from boob sweat.  I went a day without wearing one of you last week and it was the worst day of my life.  As I was standing there talking to someone and sweat trickled off my boob, dripped down onto my stomach and a sudden water mark appeared on my shirt I wanted to die.  Even though it was 6pm I ran right home and quickly put on a bra.  Never again, I've learned my lesson.  You are vital to my life.

Your friend,

Strapped in and secure for life!