Men really are easy to please.  It's humorous really just how simple they are.  But a few months ago my husband issued an impossible task.  He has this ap on his phone called The Chive.  Mostly it has pictures of chicks and boobs, but also it has pictures similar to the humor section on Pinterest.  It's kind of like what Pinterest would be if men were in charge of it.  He had followed the ap for a long time when one day he discovered they sold shirts.  You know that big thing going around the web right now:

Keep calm and carry on

Well the Chive website made their own:

I think it is the dumbest shirt on the planet.  But men…men seem to think it's the greatest thing since blow jobs.  I guess all my husbands friends got a shirt, so he decided he needed a shirt too.  So one day he tells me that I have to get him a shirt and the shirts are going on sale tomorrow.  I set a timer, schedule my lunch break accordingly and go on mission stupid shirt.  You guys, these fucking shirts sold out in THIRTY EIGHT SECONDS.  I was mad.  I never fail at stuff and I was failing at this.  I even had the shirt in my shopping cart and by the time I pushed check out I was told they were SOLD OUT.  I was not impressed. I told my husband who got all despondent and sad and all, "But Tony's wife got three shirts and you got no shirts, and sighhhhh I guess it's okay."

I got beat by a shirt. 

On top of it there is a second shirt, the Bill Fucking Murray shirt.

I don't get it.

It's Bill Murray on a shirt.

Um….It's not like it's Channing Tatum…or BOOBS or something.  It's Bill Murray.  That shirt sold out in forty three seconds.  After that I got mad.  I signed up for email notifications and wanted to be notified the second they went on sale.  A few weeks later they did another surprise limited release on the two shirts.  I was on their website twenty minutes early.  I got one of each shirt in my cart and then the entire website crashed.  I started unleashing obscene words in my office and via text to my husband.  I told him his fucking shirt could go fuck itself and if Tony's wife got three shirts then she could mail him a fucking shirt.  But I persisted.  I opened three browsers, pushed back, forward, reload, I prayed, I did a lot and LO I walked away with two shirts.  

It was touch and go there for a while. I emailed my husband the picture saying it was sold out and that I didn't get them AGAIN and let him sweat for a little bit before admitting that I had beat this damn website and I had bought two fucking shirts.  He was so happy.  It was silly.  He wore those shirts all the time after that.  The funniest part is that unless you are an ultimate Chive fan, neither shirt makes any sense to you.  He walked into our catering job in his Bill Murray shirt one day so proud and our boss just looked at him like, "Bill Murray, on your shirt..but why?"  I was upset because DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET THAT SHIRT YOU BETTER BOW DOWN TO THE BILL MURRAY SHIRT.  All of his work friends were apparently jealous that I managed to score the shirts so I felt a little better though.

Then last week I got an email.  They were releasing a limited edition Bill Fucking Murray wallet.  My husband didn't mention it, I had no idea if he wanted it but me and this website are now in a war and I'll be damned if I wasn't getting a stupid wallet.  Plus the husbands birthday was in a week so it worked out.  I clicked the link and somehow managed to buy the wallet.  Fourteen minutes later they sold out.  One week later they were removed entirely from the website because it was that limited. 

I told him about it and he was like, "oh cool, I didn't even know they made those."  Probably because Mr. CHIVE doesn't read the emails he gets.  I wanted to kick him.  The appropriate response should have been something like, "you are an almighty goddess of a wife who I bow down to and will forever kiss your toes because you got me a Bill Murray wallet without me even asking."  The wallet arrived yesterday and he put all of his stuff in it and then showed his friends.  His friends all got jealous.  One of them asked why he didn't get one, one asked me to buy him one for his birthday.  My reply, "have his wife buy one for his birthday, that website gives me heart palpitations.'  His friends at work were all jealous.  My husband was proud and I was thrilled.  I had scored something that most people didn't even know existed. most people won't even recognize it when he pulls it off.  The design will probably rub off soon anyway.  

BUT YOU GUYS I GOT THE WALLET.  

I WON

I BEAT THE WEBSITE

I AM COOLEST WIFE EVER

I am now set up to be emailed any time ANYTHING new shows up on that site.  It's pretty  much set in stone that I will purchase anything Bill Murray and I will purchase any Keep Calm and Chive On shirt that is sold again.  This website has unknowingly entered a war with me.  I will never lose to this website again. But on the bright side, I am the wife of the year for buying something that none of my husbands friends can get.  

Fucking Bill Murray!

I don't remember the exact moment I fell in love with my husband.  Instead I have memories of just being in love with him.  I can remember laying next to him and looking over thinking, "I love him."  I can remember sitting on the beach by the fire looking into his eyes and thinking, "I can't even hear a word he is saying because I'm so stunned at how much I love him in this moment." 

What is interesting though is that after eleven years together I still have moments where I stop and fall in love all over again.  I have these moments where, if I didn't love him yet they would be the moments where I would stop and say I LOVE YOU for the first time.

My husband is amazing.  He is, in a word…my LIFE.  I have been going through a pretty rough patch.  Things got pretty bad there mentally for a while.  I have been farther down then I have ever been and my husband has been, what every woman dreams of during this time.  When it all went bad and I really broke down, he picked up his phone, turned on a slow song and asked me to dance with him.  I felt so silly.  Here I was in my jammies in the evening slow dancing.  But suddenly I just broke down.  I started really crying and I opened up and told him everything.  After that he sat with me and just listened.  He just LISTENED.  After that he asked what I wanted to do and I was honest and said, "I want to finish reading my book." So he sat behind me, laid back on the couch and let me just lean on him and read my book in silence. He didn't text, turn on the TV or talk, he just laid there, held me and let me do what I wanted.  It was perfect.  He didn't try and talk about, he didn't try and "fix it" he just held me, let me read and shut up.  

Every night since then he has danced with me.  He told me he wanted a chance for us to take five minutes out of every single day to just have quiet alone time.   At first it was silly.  At first I didn't like it. Now, those few minutes are my favorite.  I crave them.  I love the moment when he walks into the room and grabs my hand and tells me it's time to dance.  Even when we were arguing the other day he came and woke me up and made me dance with him.  At the end of the song I wasn't even mad at him anymore.  Sunday we danced at noon.  I loved it. 

Yesterday was his birthday and I planned a few romantical things for him.  Later we were laying in bed talking and we started wondering if all married couples are like us.  We have talked to our friends and we know that a lot of them aren't.  Do other couples still have sex as much as we do after eleven years?  Do they still do the other…sexy things we do?  Do they still kiss as much as we do?  Do they still make out?  When I walk by him he still reaches out and grabs my ass.  When I walk by him I love to stop and kiss his back.  I love to run my hands down his arms and just touch him.  I usually can't go in the kitchen without touching him some how, kissing him, hugging him, or just brushing my hand against him.  We still flirt with each other.  When we are putting away dishes if he's near the sink and I'm putting something in the island inevitably we end up in a shoving match and I try and block him from where he is going and he tries to block me from where I'm going.  It's cute.  I don't' know why we do it, but we do.  When he is doing dishes he will still shake his hands off on me and splash water in my face.  At least twice a week he sneaks into the shower with me just to wash my back.  I love when I catch him in the shower and the boys are being good giving me a chance to sneak in with him.  He kisses me good night every single night and kisses me good bye every single time he leaves the house.  

We spent an hour last night laying in bed with the little lamp on just talking to each other wondering, is every marriage like ours?  Are other couples still as in love as we are?  When my husband and I fight it hurts.  He says he goes to work with a stomach ache and feels sick all day. I hate it when we fight.  I feel miserable and wrong and I just want it fixed.  We can't stay mad at each other long though because it's so hard to not touch each other as much as we like to.

I can't help but wonder if this is normal?  In a society where divorce and cheating and hatred is so prevalent is our marriage normal or are we now considered abnormal?  Is every married couple this caught up in each other?  Is everyone this in love?  My husband and I have nothing in common.  In fact if I wonder if he will like something all I have to do is ask myself if I like it.  If the answer is no then it's a pretty good shot he will love it.  Yet somehow our differences bring us closer.  I fall in love with him more every single day.  I often have to just grab him and tell him, "I love you so much right now."  There are times when I kiss him that I kind of lose sight of everything around me and find myself pushing for a full on make out session.  It's cute, he starts laughing quietly and has to look at me and ask if I really want to make out in the middle of where ever we are.  Sometimes I don't realize we are on the school playground, at the store, at a baseball game because I just forget.  When he asked me if I thought other couples were like us I answered that sadly, no I don't think so.  One of the reason we are as sexual as we still are is because I love making him happy.  I love doing anything that will make him happy.  Seeing him happy is probably the most intoxicating thing in the world for me.  I crave it.  I'm not sure that all spouses are like that.  I don't know if all of my friends crave the look on their husbands face after a romantic night together.  I'm not sure if my friends crave the way their husbands lips feel.  I'm not sure if they feel off balance if they don't love on their husband for more then five days.  

So tell me blog world.  Is this normal?  Is everyone around me as deep in love as I am?  Or am I just experiencing something spectacular and rare?  I'm curious to know so that next time my husband and I talk about it I can answer him.  Did I just stumble upon my actual soul mate, or is it always this good in all marriages?  I know that there are a few blogs I read where I can feel the same love (Emery I'm looking at you) but is the whole world like this?  Leave your comments and tell me.  What little things go on with you and your spouse that remind you how much you love them.  Or, what things have you found that were missing that maybe led you to realize leaving was right?  Tell me, do you think it's possible for a love like this to last?  Will we still be like this in another 50 years?  Were your parents like this?  Because i know my kids are only a few years away from being totally grossed out at how in love my husband and I are with each other.  The only upside is that I know both of my boys will learn what true love is, and never settle for anything less if they watch their father and I together. Do you still have a crush on your spouse?  Because I still have the biggest crush on mine. 

I know what channel baseball is on ESPN.

If it isn't on that channel I know what the back up channel is.

I can name at least ten players on the team. This is important because for my whole life I've always said I was a Raiders fan but could never name more then one player on the team IF ANY.  I can now name so so many of the Giants.

I know what standings are.  I know that a win is a half a game and a loss is a half a game. 

I know about tagging up, and RBI's, and decoy.  

I am learning position numbers.

I almost understand a pickle.

I'm learning the different pitches.

I know what a sacrafice is.

I also know enough now to be genuinly upset by the Melky Cabrera issue.  I am livid.  He was caught using PEDs (performance enhancing drugs).  I am furious. I loved Melky.  I had a crush on Melky's dimples.  I thought he was an amazing player.  I enjoyed watching him play.  I loved his smile. I loved his energy. I loved watching him at bat. As a fan I feel hurt.  I feel betrayed.  I feel angry.  I am so upset by this.  Why did he do this?  Why hasn't he issued a statement apologizing?  Why can't people just play the sport the way it was meant to be played.  Melky is an exceptional player. He still hits the ball with great accuracy.  He didn't need those drugs.  I feel cheated on.  I am beginning to wonder who I can trust on the team now.  When I saw that news my heart shattered in two thousand pieces.  Why did it have to be the Milk Man?  Someone I love.

Why couldn't it be a Dodger?

I'm kidding.  I don't feel like this is acceptable for any team. For the whole sport.  I think players need to think about their fans.  Thing about how invested we get.  Realize the role models they are.  

I know enough now, to know that it is not okay.  I was stupid when it happened to Barry Bonds so I forgave it.  But now, now that I truley love this sport my heart is broken.  I hope this is the last I hear of this.  Because I can't handle having the Giants crush me any more.

My husband got a new car this week.  He got the new car the night before we went to California.  We traded in my car towards his new car and I get back my beloved Yukon.  So around 8pm Wednesday night I was taking every single thing out of my car and cramming it into a bag.  Since it was so late we didn't get a chance to rearrange our cars before going to California.  The next morning we left to California in his new car with NOTHING.  

I was horrified.  We didn't have any tissue. There was no chap stick.  NO CHAP STICK PEOPLE!  There was no sanitizer.  My head was reeling.  My husband didn't even notice. Thank God I had my purse or we could have died on that trip.

That is the difference between men and women.  If I got stranded in my car I could survive for days with my deodorant, brushes, combs, tweezers, clippers, sanitizers, wipes, tissues, snacks etc.  My car is so prepared for a zombie apocalypse.  My husbands car. NOT. AT. ALL. 

We finally got back into town and I took my Yukon to get washed before putting it back together.  That hour was the longest hour of my life.  

Suddenly I text my husband, "I must hurry home I need to file a nail and I have no nail file."

His reply, "Why do you need a nail file in a car?"

Are you freaking kidding me?  I break nails often.  I slam them in the door.  I snap them just thinking about snapping them. Sometimes while driving I just notice one isn't shaped right and I reach in my trusty console, grab my file and repair it at a stop light.  

I replied to him, "I just feel safer and more secure with all my stuff."

He doesn't get it.

Last week on the way to take the boys to school a friend texted asking if I had a Band-Aid.

Uh DUH of course I had a Band-Aid in MY CAR.  Had she asked my husband her poor son would have spent the morning with an exposed skinned knee.

I also had four rocks in my center console, a book of matches, a raunchy pin, expired gum, four variety of sanitizer, three types of chap stick and three lip glosses.  A brush, a comb, a file, nail polish, two checkbooks, seven pens, a notepad, deposit slips to a bank I don't bank at anymore. A spilled container of Tic Tacs, 25 Tic Tacs spread randomly in said console, a necklace, a hair tie, a head band, one glove, a lint roller, three epi pens, a practice epi pen, six Bath and Body work smelly insert refill thingys. A bolt, a lug nut, a set of keys, another set of keys, a key on a rope, a key ring, half a peace sign, facial wipes, a CVS fold up bag. My trunk had seven reusable bags.  Three pairs of gloves, two pairs of kid gloves, a sweat shirt, a work shirt, a rain coat, a jacket, two pairs of shoes, a lunch bag, blanket, towel, socks, a bandana, dirty hoody, baby clothes (whose baby??) an ice pack, an empty bottle, two scarves (yes it was 105 out but WHAT IF…WHAT! IF!).  I also had 14 lego parts, a coat hanger, two aprons, two wine bottle corks, eleven left over menus from various catering jobs, uncountable receipts, an entire box of tissue sans box, seven un-namable kids toys, a hat, nine small packages of tissue, four packages of baby wipes (three were dried out, better buy more) and on and on and on.

Do you know what was in my husbands car?

A phone charger and a gun clip.

Fucking men.  They will never understand.

Last night I was tired. We had spent a day driving followed by a day at the water park. It took me a while to fall asleep because the husband was snoring but when I finally did it was a good sleep. At some point in the night I started dreaming. I wish I could remember the dream. I really really wish I could remember. Because for whatever reason the dream made me pull out my ear plug, put it in my mouth, and start chewing on it like gum. I have no idea how this happened. All I know is that suddenly I sat up and spit a soggy orange ear plug out of my mouth.
That’s gross. It was in my ear!!!! Any guesses on what kind of dream would provoke that?
I’m afraid to sleep tonight. I might start chewing on my bra this time.

Let's just talk about the worst thing that can happen to a woman. Having her purse break. It's pretty much devastating. It's even more devastating when the purse is 6 months old and the manufacturer has discontinued this model. So even though it's warrantied you are still screwed.

I'm not much of a flashy person. I don't buy those bedazzled jeans. I haven't bought fancy shoes in a while. I don't wear jewelry but y'all I love me some purses. Anyway about seven months ago I decided I needed a new purse. My friend Christina and I hunted FOREVER for the perfect purse. I walked around Macy's with nine purses on at one point. I had to put each on my shoulder, across my body, and in my hand. I had to open all the pockets and play with all of them. I left with no purse. I drove to Lucky, then to Dillards, then back to Macys. Then I went to Coach but the drop length wasn't right on the handles. So it was back to Macy's I went and finally there it was. The most beautiful black leather Fossil purse I've ever seen. It not only had a full cross body strap (super important for a mom) but it had two handles with a perfect 9" drop length. If I had both handles on my shoulder and pulled one down I could easily look down inside the purse and grab my wallet or whatever. It had the most perfectest little chapstick pocket on the outside ever. It had a zipper pocket in front for those random things that I didn't really need to keep but couldn't quite part with. Then it had a perfect little pocket in the back that I could quickly drop my keys and my phone into and then find easily when I was loaded with groceries and needed my keys. It was this faded worn black color. It was perfect. I loved looking at her. And then one day I put maybe 17 things too many in her and she ripped.

Logically I could have had her repaired but….I didn't want to pay to repair something that was under warranty and could be replaced. Until I found out there was no replacement for it. NONE. They didn't have one hiding in back. There was no replacement. My spirit was crushed. Which of course led me on a mission for a replacement. After three more days of hunting I found a new Fossil. It has nice pockets. It has a cross body that can be shortened to a shoulder length (which is sooo not the same). It is a nice purse. But it isn't black. It isn't my purse and you guys I'm sad. I'm in a purse funk. I've secretly browsed at night for a new purse. I browsed tonight for about 2 hours trying to find my purse on Ebay or anywhere. It doesn't exist.

Fossils new line came out this week and while looking tonight I discovered I HATE THEM ALL.

What is a girl to do?

I suppose I can keep this lesser purse until Fossil gets their shit together and comes out with a new black bag with the right handles and pockets and that is big enough to fit my iPad because did I forget that even though I NEVER CARRY MY IPAD in my purse it is a requirement that my iPad fits in the purse JUST. IN. CASE. It must have a handy open key and phone drop pocket on the outside. It has to have a roomy interior pocket for my notepad, four pens, checkbook, and random junk. It must have an enclosed but easy to access chapstick pocket that holds at least two chapsticks and a lip gloss.

Sigh. I'm going to bed now. But I go to bed with a broken purse heart

 

**UPDATE**

I googled around last night and I finally found the purse for sale brand new on E-bay

http://www.ebay.com/itm/NWT-158-FOSSIL-black-leather-Liberty-Convertible-Satchel-Handbag-/300758740623?pt=US_CSA_WH_Handbags&hash=item46069e2e8f#ht_500wt_1211

I ordered it right away.  She actually has two for sale and if I could afford it I would buy both in case the second one had any sort of accident.  

Anyway I am over the moon.  My purse will be here in one week.  I can't even begin to describe how thrilled I am.  I will post pictures of the real thing once we are reunited together!

Brandon: Mom at recess we spy on the girls, and then hope they catch us spying.

Mom: Why do you want to get caught?

Brandon: SO THEN THEY WILL CHASE US MOM

………