Men really are easy to please. It's humorous really just how simple they are. But a few months ago my husband issued an impossible task. He has this ap on his phone called The Chive. Mostly it has pictures of chicks and boobs, but also it has pictures similar to the humor section on Pinterest. It's kind of like what Pinterest would be if men were in charge of it. He had followed the ap for a long time when one day he discovered they sold shirts. You know that big thing going around the web right now:
Keep calm and carry on
Well the Chive website made their own:
I think it is the dumbest shirt on the planet. But men…men seem to think it's the greatest thing since blow jobs. I guess all my husbands friends got a shirt, so he decided he needed a shirt too. So one day he tells me that I have to get him a shirt and the shirts are going on sale tomorrow. I set a timer, schedule my lunch break accordingly and go on mission stupid shirt. You guys, these fucking shirts sold out in THIRTY EIGHT SECONDS. I was mad. I never fail at stuff and I was failing at this. I even had the shirt in my shopping cart and by the time I pushed check out I was told they were SOLD OUT. I was not impressed. I told my husband who got all despondent and sad and all, "But Tony's wife got three shirts and you got no shirts, and sighhhhh I guess it's okay."
I got beat by a shirt.
On top of it there is a second shirt, the Bill Fucking Murray shirt.
I don't get it.
It's Bill Murray on a shirt.
Um….It's not like it's Channing Tatum…or BOOBS or something. It's Bill Murray. That shirt sold out in forty three seconds. After that I got mad. I signed up for email notifications and wanted to be notified the second they went on sale. A few weeks later they did another surprise limited release on the two shirts. I was on their website twenty minutes early. I got one of each shirt in my cart and then the entire website crashed. I started unleashing obscene words in my office and via text to my husband. I told him his fucking shirt could go fuck itself and if Tony's wife got three shirts then she could mail him a fucking shirt. But I persisted. I opened three browsers, pushed back, forward, reload, I prayed, I did a lot and LO I walked away with two shirts.
It was touch and go there for a while. I emailed my husband the picture saying it was sold out and that I didn't get them AGAIN and let him sweat for a little bit before admitting that I had beat this damn website and I had bought two fucking shirts. He was so happy. It was silly. He wore those shirts all the time after that. The funniest part is that unless you are an ultimate Chive fan, neither shirt makes any sense to you. He walked into our catering job in his Bill Murray shirt one day so proud and our boss just looked at him like, "Bill Murray, on your shirt..but why?" I was upset because DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET THAT SHIRT YOU BETTER BOW DOWN TO THE BILL MURRAY SHIRT. All of his work friends were apparently jealous that I managed to score the shirts so I felt a little better though.
Then last week I got an email. They were releasing a limited edition Bill Fucking Murray wallet. My husband didn't mention it, I had no idea if he wanted it but me and this website are now in a war and I'll be damned if I wasn't getting a stupid wallet. Plus the husbands birthday was in a week so it worked out. I clicked the link and somehow managed to buy the wallet. Fourteen minutes later they sold out. One week later they were removed entirely from the website because it was that limited.
I told him about it and he was like, "oh cool, I didn't even know they made those." Probably because Mr. CHIVE doesn't read the emails he gets. I wanted to kick him. The appropriate response should have been something like, "you are an almighty goddess of a wife who I bow down to and will forever kiss your toes because you got me a Bill Murray wallet without me even asking." The wallet arrived yesterday and he put all of his stuff in it and then showed his friends. His friends all got jealous. One of them asked why he didn't get one, one asked me to buy him one for his birthday. My reply, "have his wife buy one for his birthday, that website gives me heart palpitations.' His friends at work were all jealous. My husband was proud and I was thrilled. I had scored something that most people didn't even know existed. most people won't even recognize it when he pulls it off. The design will probably rub off soon anyway.
BUT YOU GUYS I GOT THE WALLET.
I BEAT THE WEBSITE
I AM COOLEST WIFE EVER
I am now set up to be emailed any time ANYTHING new shows up on that site. It's pretty much set in stone that I will purchase anything Bill Murray and I will purchase any Keep Calm and Chive On shirt that is sold again. This website has unknowingly entered a war with me. I will never lose to this website again. But on the bright side, I am the wife of the year for buying something that none of my husbands friends can get.
Fucking Bill Murray!