I've never been to Napa.  I think I would like to go, but I can't be sure.  I only like certain types of wine.  Everyone says it's the best place ever though, and I feel like it's one of those adult type things I should do sometime soon.

I am so so cranky lately.  I hate this time of year.  It's my least favorite time of year.  I always fall into a depression and it's the worst one of all the ones I have all year round.  Everyone is an asshole, I'm an asshole and EVERY. SINGLE. THING. bugs the ever living shit out of me.  Everyone bugs me.  I'm just not nice.

I was thinking the other day about things that people say to a person without realizing….the pressure that puts on them.  I've had numerous people tell me they want a marriage like mine.  Or that they want to model their marriage and parenting techniques after mine.  That my marriage is their dream marriage.  That is a lot of pressure on a person.  What if my husband and I don't work out. Then their whole image of marriage becomes shattered?  Do I become I failure then because I didn't live up to these insane expectations that people have of my marriage?  Marriage is hard shit.  I'm a difficult person who loves to destroy anything good in my life.  There is always a huge possibility I will destroy my marriage just out of habit.  My husband and I have had problems.  I'm lucky enough that it's all stuff we have talked through and worked out, but there for a while when separation was an option all I kept thinking was, "well shit, how am I going to tell so in so who bases her whole marriage on mine, that it is ending?"  The whole thing is hard.  When you mention to people that you are even considering a separation the immediately jump to blame you.  Or tell you maybe you didn't try hard enough, or you need to try harder.  Does it really not occur to people that perhaps two people have just run their course?  That people can part but remain friends and be absolutely okay with that choice?  I would say the hardest part of working through everything with my husband wasn't even the problems with us, it was the asshole things that came out of peoples mouth.  As if it was their life, their business, their choice.  It's not.  It's mine, and it is his and it is no one elses.  As of now we are still together, and honestly happier then we have been in years, but should issues ever arise again, I know now there is only one person I can ever talk to about it because everyone else just spews rude shit out of their mouth.

That one person is Ginger.  I'm so fortunate to have had a best friend like her for my whole life.  You guys can't imagine what this girl is to me.  She's my calm during a storm.  She never judges me.  Never says the wrong thing.  She never blames me.   She never asks what I did wrong.  She just lets me ramble, and talk, and repeat myself until I eventually work it all out myself.  It helps that we often do this at the spa.  She is the only person I would drive hours across the state to visit because I know that I can go to her house, and she will feed me food, with butter and calories, and ice cream, and wine and love.  She will spend a whole entire day doing nothing but watching ridiculous TV and listen to me grumble about commercials.  I can guarantee my favorite raspberry ice cream will be in the freezer, and that I can eat right out of the container, with a spoon for breakfast if I want.  My husbands often jokes that if she were a man I would leave him for her.  He's probably right. I would leave almost anyone for her.  I can't wait for my next trip to her town. Only next time I request much less snow.

My kids are growing way too fast.  It's scary.  Brandon is reading, and spelling and being a huge smart ass.  Codi is saying words that are far too big for his vocabulary and developing the funniest personality.  Brandon is clearly turning into me which is to say he's a sensitive, emotional, food loving weirdo.  But he can sing Waylon and point out Johnny Cashes voice one verse into a song.  He can actually sing the words to a lot of my favorite songs, even Credence.  It's refreshing since my husband doesn't even know what a Credence Clearwater is and I was worried my kids would grow up knowing shit about music like their dad.  But luckily I play music often enough, and loud enough that they have at least a tiny history of what music was before auto tune and computers.  Codi starts kindergarten this year.  I don't even know what to do with that.  Two kids in real live school.  I'm sorry but when did I become a 40 year old soccer mom?  Both of the boys are doing baseball again.  I will be dugout mom.  That means I am accepting donations now for Costco sized bottles of vodka to deal with those little turds.  I'm pretty sure that I will be fine as long as no one ends up in the trash this year and none of the coaches get spit on.  

Let's see, what else.  Oh yeah. I got more ink.

This one is a Pearl Jam song.  Only two people know what it's about and it's going to stay that way.  But I love it. 

And this is Lucille.  While I was getting the Just Breathe tattoo I asked my most favorite tattoo guy to come up with something for my arm.  I had no idea what I wanted.  Immediately he suggest a Giants pinup girl and I was hooked.  He gave her bubble gum like Pablo Sandoval and made her a pitcher like my favorite players Wilson and Lincecum instead of having her hold a bat like all the other tattoos usually do.  I fucking love her orange Giants stripes and her eye make up and her boobs.   It is probably my favorite tattoo of the thirteen (I think that's the right number) that I have.  He does exceptional line work.  I named her Lucille after the Giants mascott Lou the Seal.  She makes me happy every time I look at her.  

So that's what is in my head now.  I will try and come back when I'm feeling like less of an asshole.  Wait, who am I kidding, I am always an asshole.