The first time was a fluke..but the second time…I'm worried

Last night I dreamt I was on a field trip with my kids.  In the dream I was eating little gummy candies with them.  When I ate my last candy I started thinking, "this one is stale, and it's very chewy and not good at all."  That was the exact moment I woke up and found another fucking ear plug in my mouth.

You guys, this is twice now.  Two times I have pulled my ear plugs out of my ears in my sleep and put them in my damn mouth and chewed on them IN MY SLEEP.

WHY?

While I'm asking why, someone please tell me why it is my dog has suddenly started eating his food by colors.  He has a brown piece and a white piece.  He picks every single white piece out.  He doesn't just pick them out, he picks one piece out and walks over to the carpet and drops it then goes to the bowl gets out another white piece, walks to the carpet and drops it.  He repeats this until he has about 6 pieces then sits there and eats his six pieces and then starts the process all over.  He leaves the brown ones in the bowl until he realizes he's not getting any more food until he finishes his brown pieces.  It is the strangest thing I've ever seen.

My food allergies are getting worse.  Last week as a healthy snack I bought myself some banana chips.  I proudly ate them all week before realizing I'm allergic to plantain which I'm pretty sure means I'm allergic to banana.  Since that wasn't enough fun I thought I would test out the doctors theory that I was allergic to peanuts and soy.  

I ended up in the hospital.

My entire stomach swelled up…see:

 

Just in case you think I'm always that fat, this was me the morning before when the swelling had just started

 

And this shows you the change twelve hours made

Yeah I know, my underwear are mega cute right….oops.

This is two days later…mild swelling

This is three days later…Mild swelling to start the day

And then BAMN I look pregnant again mid day.

Anyway the following week has been similar to that.  I eat something I swell up and my stomach hurts and then it goes away, I eat, swell, pain, lather, rinse, repeat.  It's been a fucking blast.  Not to mention that I can't take anything for the swelling now because I'm getting a new allergy test in May and I can't have any allergy medicine in my system before the test.

In case you all think maybe I'm eating something bad let's discuss what I have been living on:

*Protein shake in the am, that is hypoallergenic, vegan and soy free made from quinoa, with coconut milk, frozen strawberries and blueberries.  All of those are things I've tested negative to allergies for.

*Coffee & sugar free cream.  Both things I'm not allergic too.

*Lunch has been either a Subway sandwich, no mayo, only mustard, cheese and veggies. None of which I'm allergic to or a small salad with balsamic dressing and only lettuce and spinach.  None of that I'm allergic to.  I often eat carrot and celery sticks with hummus.  I've never had a reaction to hummus but after all this shit I'm now being tested for an allergy to sesame seeds. Sigh.

*Snack is another protein shake, an apple, strawberries, or nothing.  I'm allergic to none of those.

*Dinner is quinoa and a roasted veggie.  I only roast my veggies, I don't boil them or microwave them or saute them, I just roast them so they taste amazing and my kids are now addicted to roasted cauliflower and asparagus and broccoli and seriously it's the weirdest thing ever having a five year old request more asparagus or cauliflower.  I'm not allergic to any veggie besides soy and there is no soy in my quinoa or my vegetables.  

*Besides coffee and coconut milk I am only drinking water or carbonated mineral water.  I have had exactly 1.5 soda's in 30 days.  I am not allergic to coffee.  I'm probably allergic to water.  

So I'm going to the doctor with a whole new list of things to be tested for:

Sesame seeds

Sun Flower Seeds

Flax Seeds

Banana

Artichoke

Strawberries (again)

Chickpeas

Coconut

Quinoa

I bought myself an organic, soy free, nut free, gluten free granola last week and chomped away happily on it until the whole hospital thing.  It was full of sunflower and flax seeds.  The only two things the doctor didn't test on the sheet of paper last time.

You can imagine I'm a lot grumpy lately.  Even with all this I'm still dragging my sorry ass to the gym and I'm still being my kids dugout mom in baseball and I've been to work every day.  I'm miserable though.  I'm afraid to eat and that's an issue.  Yesterday I had the protein shake, the coffee and a spinach salad with a roasted sweet potato.  That was all, the entire day.  When I got to the gym I was drained.  I had no fuel and everything was harder.  This is not fun.  The gym has been fun.  Going to the gym with no fuel in my system is not fun.

Hopefully next week we get a real live compete list of allergies and maybe a diagnosis and medicine and treatment. Because y'all I'm working out way too hard to have my stomach swollen up like this every day!

My name is Shannon and I have not eaten a potato chip in 25 days

Most of you are reading that title thinking it's no big deal.  Y'all, it's a big fucking deal.  If you know anything about me you know that my favorite food is potatoes.  A subset of potatoes is potato chips.  I love them.  I love them probably more then chocolate.  I love them about as much as I love my husband.  

Potato chips are the holy grail of foods in my world.

25 days ago one of the moms at school asked me to start going to the gym with her.  For the past two years I have referred to this woman as "gym Barbie."  Gym Barbie has a crazy rocking amazing body and works out often.  For whatever reason I thought going to the gym with her would be fun.

I was wrong.

She tried to kill me.

We did so many things.  Running and weights, and circuits and I don't even know what this woman was doing to me.  At one point I stopped her and said, "HEY, BARBIE DOLL..I'M A CABBAGE PATCH I DON'T MOVE LIKE YOU!!!"

She made me do more sit ups.

With weights.

Anywho, at the end of the workout while we were stretching she came up with this brilliant plan that she would give up sugar in all forms and I would give up chips, fries & pretzels.

Might as well have killed me.

After two weeks of me subbing cookies in place of chips we had to amend the bet so that I could also no longer have cookies.  First one to lose buys dinner. 

You guys I'm struggling.  Two weeks in I went to dinner with my husband at my favorite place who ordered my favorite side dish called "sexy fries" and then ate them all, right in front of my face while proceeding to tell me just how sexy they were.  I wanted to break his nose.  I had to give the girl in my office all of my chips and pretzels which I then had to watch her eat in front of me.  I wanted to fire her.  Last night I made fresh delicious pico de gallo and grabbed a chip to taste it and then had to launch it across the room because I cannot eat a fucking tortilla chip even if it is to taste my super yummy wonderful salsa.  I wanted to cry and break stuff.  I almost ordered nachos at a restaurant the other day forgetting that DUH, NACHOS ARE MADE OF CHIPS and then pouted for the whole meal.  Out of town this weekend my best friend ordered her sammich with a side of the most amaze ball looking fries I had ever seen ever in the world, and she ate them.  She ate them right in front of me. I think she and I should take a break now.  I just ordered a Quiznos sandwich and I couldn't even order my coveted plain Lays chips to go with it.  That's just not right.

I'm so frustrated y'all. This was the dumbest bet I've ever made.  EVER.  I swear I'm about to buy her dinner just so I can eat a motherfucking potato chip.  She thinks it's hilarious.  I do not.  

I've continued going to the gym, 25 days strong now and you guys I've been walking funny and moving funny for 25 days.  Everything hurts.  But my pants are loose and I can do pushups without falling on my face (on the hardwood, true story that happened) and I'm happy about it. Gym Barbie still runs circles around me but at least I'm not quite as much of a Cabbage Patch and instead closer to Barbies little sister Skipper.  

The point is, if I start to get hostile on this blog you know why now, it's because I haven't had a damn potato chip in 25 fucking days.  I'm sorry in advance.  It's going to get worse, because I am not losing this bet.

In the event of an accident my boobs are totally safe

I purchased some new bras this week. A ton of them.  They are amazing. However two of them came with these little air bags in them.

I don't even know what to make of these.  I've seen padding in a bra but…air bags REALLY?

Anyway, the point of the story. In a rush this morning I grabbed the bra that I hadn't pulled the little air pillows out of and ran out of the house.  When I got to work I realized any time I touched my chest it made a…um..sort of crunching noise.  Exactly like it would sound if you smooshed little bags of air.  When my husband hugged me I could feel AND hear the crinkle.  I had been terrified he would squeeze my boobs and feel this odd crunchy feeling and hear the strange noise and freak out. Why would he be randomly grabbing my tits in the morning? Hey, we've been together eleven years we gotta keep it fun and hot somehow right? The whole thing was mortifying.  Luckily he didn't notice.

I spent the entire day hearing noises anytime I moved, leaned forward or breathed wrong.  It was fucking funny.  Later I took my kids to the park and then got in the car and realized I just couldn't handle the air bags anymore.  I reached in and pulled them out while driving and couldn't believe how much cooler I felt. It would appear that tiny air bags cause your boobs to sweat like a whore in church.  The tiny air bags are now laying on my passenger seat.  I have elected not to have my double D boobs pushed up any farther, but I am a little bit sad knowing that in the event of an accident my boobs will no longer have their own personal air bags.