How to not lose weight the easy way

Step one: Go to Whole foods to purchase healthy protein powder, carrot sticks and an apple.

Step two: Decide rather smugly and proud of yourself to purchase a salad from the salad bar.

Step three: Congratulate yourself when you add some roasted veggies into your lunch.

Step four: Remind yourself you are going to the gym so you should add some mashed potatoes for carbs to your lunch.

Step five: Spy the cookie bar at Whole Foods.  Smartly grab one vegan ginger cookie and applaud the fact that you only grabbed one.

Step six: Notice they keep the ingredients to the cookies on the side of the cookie bar. Tell yourself that you are only going to check the nutrition facts to see if they possibly sold any cookies made without eggs.  Discover two new cookies without eggs.  Decide to purchase one of each for future knowledge.

Step seven: Walk away from cookie bar and then decide to just taste half of each cookie to make sure I was making smart purchases.

Step eight: Turn around and go back to cookie bar and purchase 8 more of each cookie because WHAT IF THEY NEVER HAVE THESE EGGLESS COOKIES AGAIN.

Step nine: Eat other half of cookies walking around the store.

Step Ten: Come to work and take two bites of salad, one bite of veggies and then hoover down all of the mashed potatoes.

Step eleven: Reward myself with another cookie.

Step twelve: While stressing about what to make for dinner, snack on chips telling myself I can't go to the gym on an empty stomach.

Step thirteen: On drive to gym notice cookies in the car and eat one more.

Step fourteen: Fuck it, lets just eat one more because I've already fucked it all up.

Step fifteen: Sit in gym parking lot and enjoy one more cookie, while texting your best friend that you cannot believe you are actually eating cookies in the mother fucking gym parking lot.

Step sixteen: Go to the stupid gym with a belly ache.

Step seventeen: Wake up the next morning and avoid the scale like the plague.  Also wonder…should I just finish all of the cookies today so I am never ever ever tempted by them again?

And that my friends is how to lose weight like a goddamn professional.



Obviously my no willpower having ass ended up finishing all of the cookies today.  I need adult supervision. Lots of it!

One thought on “How to not lose weight the easy way

  1. I’m dying over this:
    Step fourteen: Fuck it, lets just eat one more because I’ve already fucked it all up.
    THAT is the story of my life. SO MANY bags of chips have been emptied because of that thinking. And I still don’t even feel bad. And, yes, the bellyache at the gym has happened many times. excellent post.


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