I've come to a conclusion. The best age for children is 0-4 months. They don't talk. They don't move. They don't do anything but eat and sleep. That shit…..that shit is glorious.
Brandon turns eight this week. Codi is five and a half. Some good things have come with their age. They can buckle themselves into the car, they can unbuckle, they can wipe their own ass and they can go in the kitchen, open the refrigerator and get their own string cheese, and most of the time even open the string cheese.
But man, with age comes brains, and defiance. There is no shortage of defiance in my house. I can no longer spell things to my husband because Brandon can spell. I can't lay next to him and read a 50 Shades style book, because he can read the words on the page now and ask questions. They have learned to bargain. This drives me insane. No we are not making a deal, there is no trade for eating your vegetables, just eat them.
They also fight. A lot. I am an only child. I don't understand fighting with siblings. I always assumed if I had a sibling I would love them always and we would be bestest friends. But these two…nope. The little one doesn't get his way and he punches his brother in the balls. The big one wants something the little on has, he just strong arms him, takes it and runs away. The little one doesn't get his way so he just instantly turns on the tears and says the big one hurt him. They kick each other at least 79 times a day.
Two weeks ago Brandon had his little brother in a head lock and was covering his mouth with his hand so that little brother couldn't tattle to me. I lost my shit. This isn't how brothers behave. However, everyone with siblings just laughs and says it's normal.
Brandon has a video game he hasn't played in over a month. Codi asked to borrow it and Brandon said no. When I asked why he said, "well because maybe I will want to play it now, so just in case I should keep it." This always happens. Something is banished to the pile of unwanted toys until the other one touches it. Suddenly that toy is the most sought after toy ever. I swear, if I gave Codi a Barbie doll Brandon would want to play Barbies just because his brother was touching one.
Then there is the emotion. Brandon lays it on thick. He and Codi will be fighting and sometimes I just look at them and say, "I don't care who did what, I don't want to hear it, figure it out you two." That is when Brandon really let's me have it' "you never want to hear what I have to say, you never listen to me, you always believe Codi." This shit drives me crazy. Brandon can tell me seven times his version of the story and on the 8th time when I say I don't want to hear it anymore I just want them to figure it out, he will start crying and say I never listen to him. Dude…I listened the first seven times. Doesn't change my mind I still want you two to work it out.
They never listen either. They have learned that if I tell one of them not to do something, that in their minds it means they should just both do it. Yesterday I told them to stop rolling in the grass out front of the pool because their is always dog poop on that lawn. Their solution was to just push each other off a wall onto the lawn, then when I said something about it they replied, "I wasn't rolling on the lawn, he pushed me there." Like that was totally fucking logical or something.
You guys. These two boys…they are going to put me in an asylum.