I was back in the hospital Monday night.  This time there was no swelling there was just pain.  Crazy pain.  The kind of pain where you are sure some little demonic animal with sharp teeth is going to claw it's way out of your stomach breaking every rib bone in the process, and you wouldn't even care because at least once it was out the pain would stop.  I managed to make it to the bathroom and shut the door trying to hide from my husband because I knew he was going to try and make me go to the hospital.  I guess something about your wife waking up in the middle of the night half sobbing and half unable to breath because taking a breath causes physical pain that kinda scares a man.  I went into full on ugly cry combined with these weird shaking little noises coming out of me.  It was not pretty.  He forced me to get dressed, called my dad to watch the kids and took me to ER.

Guess what they found.

Nothing!

The ER doctor was actually kind of frustrated because I had warned him that my GI doctor said ER would be able to do nothing but manage the pain.  He kept saying, "don't give up on me maybe I can figure it out."  In the end he couldn't and it bothered him.  He had some good suggestions.  He wants the doctor to look at the possibility that scar tissue from all of my surgeries is somehow crushing or blocking my intestines.  This is actually a pretty interesting thought since I've had issues with scar tissue from my prior surgeries.  At one point before having Brandon the scar tissue had formed around my uterus kind of like a lasso and squished it in half causing a ton of pain and preventing pregnancies.  I've had two C-sections and a hysterectomy along with a gallbladder removal in the last 7 years, scar tissue could actually be a real possibility.  However in order to find that out we would have to do exploratory surgery.  I haven't had a colonoscopy in 13 years, I've only had an endoscopy, so honestly who knows what they could find down there.  

I did manage to throw up every single thing in my stomach, and I totally managed to make it all in one of those tiny little puke bags that they give you.  Then just because my husband was so mean in forcing me to go to the hospital I told him he had to hold onto the bag for the doctors so they could see how much I had thrown up.  I knew that wasn't true, and I know he hates vomit, but I was so frustrated he had dragged me into ER, spent $200.00 all while knowing they could do nothing.  The look on his face when the doctor said he didn't need to hold the bag of puke that whole time was pretty gratifying.  I totally hid my smile under my blanket.

The ER doctor gave me some morphine telling me at least it would make me sleep and I could rest.  He also shot me up with some anti nausea meds.  I didn't sleep.  That always perplexes doctors.  There isn't enough medicine to sedate me for endoscopy's and there isn't enough morphine to actually knock me out.  I was sitting up totally awake and talking to him the entire time.  

Basically, nothing came of it, I'm out $200.00 and we still know nothing.  I have a huge probably very expensive test coming up next week.  To see if I have delayed gastric emptying.  If I do they can treat it.  If I don't the doctors are basically going to give up and try and pain manage the situation.

This is the first time that the pain hasn't gone away the next day.  This happened Monday and it's now Thursday.  It still hurts.  Not pain like the tiny human is clawing out of me, but an annoying pain as if I did 1000 sit ups yesterday that just won't go away.

I'm so over this.  I'm exhausted from worrying about what to eat, and when will it happen again. I'm sick of leaving in the middle of a wedding because I'm going to throw up at the event, I'm sick of being exhausted and to tired to work out to my full extent, or be a 100% parent.  I'm just over it all.  I just want to be normal.  

I'm about to embark on a road trip.  Has anyone read this yet? I'm torn from the reviews thinking I might hate the ending, and I'm not really sure I want to cry while reading a book.  Someone please advise.

Last week was Brandons first day of third grade.  Every year Brandon and I take a picture together.

Codi started Kindergarten today.  

I was a little bit sad because this meant I could no longer watch Brandon go into class.  I have walked Brandon to his line every day since Kindergarten and watched him play and then go into his classroom.  Now that Codi is in Kindergarten I have to be on the playground with him.  Today I walked Brandon to his line, gave him a kiss and then let him go play.  After that I walked Codi to his new playground and then went into class with him.  His teacher had all of the parents listen to a little story.  In the story the raccoon didn't want to go to school because he would miss his mom. So the mom kissed his palm and told him any time he was sad to touch his palm to his cheek and he would have a kiss from his mom.  After the story she gave each kid a little cut out hand and had them give it to their parent along with a kiss in our hands.  Then she had each parent kiss their childs palm and leave.  It was very cute. 

He had to decorate a notebook for school.  This was his notebook.  The most important thing he wanted was a Giants logo.

The boys new Plant Box lunch boxes finally arrived and I was thrilled to pack them. This is their lunch today. Not pictured is the little Hersheys kiss I put in the center of each lunch box.  Codi's has ham, cheese, crackers, grapes, string cheese and a fruit snack. Brandons is the same minus the fruit snack.  They also each had a snack box packed.  Brandons had a banana, a babybel cheese and an organic gogurt.  Codi had organic bunny crackers, a babybel cheese and organic gogurt.  Each of their snack boxes slip into the front pocket of their lunch box and then there is an organic juice in the other pocket.  I love the lunch boxes because I'm able to fit everything in one area so they don't lose anything.  The Planet boxes also have little metal containers that go inside of it for dips, or pasta, or other liquidy things.  I can't wait to get creative packing their lunches.

The lunchbox also has a spot for an ice pack and silverware.  I just love them.

I have had the same best friend for as long as I can remember.  It has been Ginger and me for over twenty years.  The strange thing is, even though we had a small break up for about a year, I didn't even have anyone else in my life like her.  Friends came and went, I hung out, but I never filled up the best friend spot.  I just waited for her to come back into my life.  

Ginger and I have an odd friendship.  It's one where I do most of the talking and she does most of the listening.  Sometimes it seems like I haven't talked for a year and then I get around her and it all just floods out.  I cannot shut up.  Ginger just lets me talk.  Ginger is a very private person, I am not.  We make the strangest combo.  She will eat anything, I am afraid of all foods.  She likes to sleep late and I like to text at 5am.  I'm wonderful like that. She sided with the Dixie Chicks, I sided with Toby Keith.  But for all our differences we have so much in common.  We both devour books.  We love the spa.  We love to swim or float around in water.  We love sweets.  We love to relax.  We love cooking shows and cook books.  We love shoes. We love country music.  

Sometimes at 8:30 in the morning I will text her something like this.

Partially because I love cat memes but mostly because Ginger does that shit to me all of the time. She loves to stick her tongue out at me, and this cat totally made me laugh and think of her.

She texts me pictures of the shoe phone holder on her desk (next to the purse post it holder I got her)

We are a strange bunch.  She texts me to tell me she tried on her heels and walked around the house in them since she can't wear them to work any more and I text her when I'm eating ice cream for dinner.

She drives four hours out of her way just to spend a couple nights camping with me. I drive three hours just to have pizza with her.  When we go camping we revert back to old habits and end up playing UNO.

She might be the only person besides me that I know who can sit and play board games with only two people playing….for hours on end.  We get fierce over games.  She dominates Monopoly and even if we are on teams she won't hesitate to make me Draw 4 in Uno.

She knows virtually everything about my life.  Even though shes moved we text often enough that she is still kept fully in the loop.  I would actually say she knows more then my husband.  She knows more then anyone.  Hmmm. She could be very dangerous.  We have the ability to sit still and not talk at all while watching hours and hours of shitty tv.  Or we can sit by the campfire and talk late into the night about stupid shit Shannon did in ____ Enter era here.  I've done a lot of stupid shit, there is always lots for us to laugh about. 

She makes fun of my cat meme love and I make fun of her Kenny Chesney love.  She calls Channing Tatum, "Chating Tanum," and I called meme's "meh meh's" for the last ten years.  

This girl has seen me at my best and my worst.  She was the only person I called when my grandma died.  She drove me to the hospital when my grandpa died.  She has picked me up more times then possible.  Even figuratively, she has had to pick me up off the floor and drag me to the bathroom because I was having such a bad laugh attack on her floor I was going to pee my pants in her living room.  Yes….she picks me up all of the time. 

I miss her so much now that she moved that I actually talked to my husband about transferring his job to her town so we could move there and I could have my best friend back.  But that wasn't an option with my job.  We see each other often though, we make lots of spa dates, and pizza dates, and movie dates.  

I love knowing that I have a person in my life that I can text at any hour of the day, and after she finishes yelling at me for waking her up she will talk to me.  I love that her and my husband have no problem ganging up on me to make fun of me.  And I love that shes never let me stray too far off the line.  

I wonder how many people can say they met their soul mate in fifth grade?  Can you?

My son has become afraid of a character in a video game.  His name is Slenderman.  From what I understand there is an iProduct game that has this guy as the main character.

Slenderman has no face and from what I understand if you look at him he will kill you.  Someone told Brandon about the game.  Brandon in turn asked my dad about it and they spent a few minutes Googling Slenderman one day.  They watched some videos, and saw pictures.  One of the pictures was this one:

If you look in the left hand corner you will see that Slenderman has been photoshopped into this vintage picture.  Brandon completely freaked out because he now thinks this is real.  If you Google it you will learn that people are now claiming Slenderman sightings all over the world and saying this guy has been around for years.  Brandon didn't understand Photoshop so he just saw the old photos and believed it.  Last Friday night neither of my kids would sleep.  Brandon spent about two hours crying before bed and was so upset about this thing.  I talked to him about it and tried to explain Photoshop to him.  I pulled up pictures that had been photoshopped and showed him how easily Slenderman could be added into any picture.  I promised him that he was safe and tried to get him to sleep.  He and Codi both work up nine times that night crying.  IT. WAS. AWFUL.  

The next day was his birthday party and in the middle of the day Brandon totally melted down and started crying about this guy again.  He was afraid.  I reminded him about the Photoshop and we just went in circles.  He wanted to know where someone got the original picture to even Photoshop in.  This led to me pulling up a picture of Walt Disney drawing Mickey Mouse and explaining to Brandon that every comic or game starts as a drawing.  He said Slenderman didn't look like a drawing he looked real.  So I had to Google pictures of realistic drawings.  I found some pictures like this:

I explained that this photo was drawn with nothing but colored pencils.  I showed him how water scenes are filmed in movies, and that just because something seemed real it didn't always mean it was.

He was still afraid.  He was still crying in bed, shaking and scared to close his eyes.  Finally, I didn't know what else to do so I told him, "God would never create a Slenderman."

Let me stop there.  I want to preface with this.  I am not religious.  I don't have a religion.  But…I do believe there is something bigger then me.  I do believe in God.  I believe in angels and I believe in Heaven.  My cousin once told me that I might be right, maybe there isn't a God, but what have I got to lose by believing there is?  If I believed in God and it turned out he didn't exist I had nothing to lose, but if I believed and it turned out Heaven was real, well then I had everything to gain.  I liked that thought.  My husband also believes in God.  I would say the pivotal moment in my life would be after three failed IUI attempts at having a baby, and a year of trying, that less then a week after saying my first ever prayer and asking God to give me a child, that I got pregnant.  On my own, with no more fertility treatments.  That is when I realized, that perhaps I was wrong and it was a coincidence or perhaps I was right and since I finally stepped up and asked for help, I was finally given help.

My husband and I made the choice that we would never force religion on our children. He is Catholic and I'm…just a believer.  Our choice was to explain God to them, take them to a church once in a while that didn't force religion to you but centered around teaching kids about God, and also teaching them life lessons.  From there they could choose to believe anything they wanted. This also means that I don't want anyone talking negatively about religion to them.  I don't want people putting God down, or calling bullshit on it all, or asking them questions that make them question their beliefs. I don't want anyone to judge them for their beliefs.  

Right now Brandon believes in God.  He also believes in angels.  He even believes in ghosts. That day when I talked to him about God he visibly relaxed.  

He asked me a million questions, "why did God create dinosaurs?"  I answered them all wrong, "because he was bored and wanted to watch something cool for a few thousand years."  

"Why did he create man?" "Well he got tired of watching the dinosaurs so he created people.  First he created land.  Then he created sun, then he got tired of being hot all the time so he created night.  After that he thought the man was lonely so he created a woman friend.  When they got hungry he created plants and animals for them to eat."  

"How does he create them?"  Uhhhh? "Well that's a secret buddy, it's something no one really knows, some people just think that he holds up his hands and says, let there be lions and a lion appears."

He accepted all of my answers.  We talked about angels.  We talked about my family and his guardian angels.  He liked that, he liked knowing that if Slenderman was going to get him, that his angels would stop him.  We even talked about how his puppy that died was now a puppy guardian angel.  We laughed about how if someone tried to sneak past his guardian angels that Sparky his old puppy would bark and bark and jump around so the angels knew, and he would growl and scare off the bad ghosts or angels.  Brandon laughed and liked that idea. The dog guardian angel was his favorite solution of all the solutions.  I told him that God would never create something like Slenderman.  That he totally made snakes and spiders but Slendermen and zombies…never.  He slept after that.

Last night Brandon got a little bit scared again.  I came in his room and we talked it out.  Then my husband took his cross off from around his neck and gave it to Brandon to wear. He told him it would help protect him.  Brandon slept after that.

Later that night my husband and I talked about getting the boys crosses.  My husbands cross is actually a cross on a ring that he wears on a chain.  We decided to find one like that for the boys.  The best one we found turned out to be a purity ring so I veto'd that.  Then we found one that said, "man of God."  I had to be honest and tell my husband I didn't think that was a good idea.  I knew there were people in my life who would see the word God and pick on Brandon for it.  They would try and tell him God wasn't real, and try and bring him down.  I can't have that happen because right now, Brandon is choosing to believe in God and he is choosing to let it help him.  I don't want anyone to discourage him.  

Today while I was waiting for swimming lessons to start I found the perfect ring to put on a chain for both boys:

It simply says, "Fear Not."  I thought it was exactly perfect.  It is manly.  It has the cross to make Brandon feel safe, and the words couldn't be more perfectly chosen.  Plus there is no outward mention of God, Jesus or religion so no one could try and discourage him.  I took a screen shot of the ring, and I was so proud of my discovery and what I was able to do to help Brandon that I wanted to post it on Facebook.  

That is where I ran into a problem.  I realized that I couldn't post it.  I couldn't post it because there are a number of people on my Facebook right now who keep posting anti religion things.  They keep posting about how they hate having religion shoved in their face and are tired of reading about tit.  I couldn't post it because the people who are religious would probably condemn me for the answers I gave Brandon about God and the dinosaurs.  I couldn't post it because I know people would probably judge how I handled the situation or parented Brandon. I couldn't post it because I was sure someone would make fun of me for believing in God.  

I've been having a bit of a battle with Facebook lately.  The people who CONSTANTLY post anti religion stuff are CONSTANTLY posting atheist hateful posts about religion.  Even as a person who doesn't believe in one religion I am very very offended by some of this stuff.  Religion is sacred to people and I find it so rude to bash something that means so much to a person.  If you don't want to read the religious stuff skip past it.  But imagine if my eight year old who was finally able to sleep for two nights because of God read one of those anti God hateful religious posts.  What if someones pure hatred and rudeness took away his comfort?  What if their hatred made him question his new found safety net?  I'll admit I get a little annoyed at Facebook posts that are all religion all the time but I get annoyed at posts that are all politics all the time, or all football all the time.  I'm just so bothered that people are so offended by something that comforts my son they feel like they have to make fun of it and trash it.  You don't believe in God, fine…but I would never ever ever post something calling you an awful piece of shit person for posting it.  In fact until today I've never posted little E-cards trashing all of the atheist posts on my feed.  I don't belittle people for boasting how non religious they are. Because it is not my place.  If I don't want to read it I can skip it.

That's what my issue is.  When did Facebook become a place I should be afraid of what I post?  I don't talk much about the gym on there because I see all of the Ecards that say "unless you fell off the treadmill and fell on your face no one wants to hear about your workout."  I do check in at the gym and I have my own reason for that, but I don't talk about fitness or my struggle as often as I want because clearly people are offended by people who work out.  

I don't post much about my struggles with depression because there are all kinds of people who think bi-polar is bullshit and don't want to hear about it.  There are also alllll those people who think they are so much worse off then me and don't want to read about my silly little problems.  

I don't post much about Brandons peanut allergy because that seems to really just piss off everyone.  

I've never posted about politics because people seem to think that if I say I support Obama that gives them the right to judge me and tell me exactly why I'm wrong.  

How is it that I am too afraid of being judged to post what is actually on my mind anymore?

It feels like my Facebook feed is two things, hate, and jokes.  Half of my feed is people just ranting about something they hate, or why their "something" is better or more right.  The other half is nothing but E-cards.  

If I pray about something and it comes to fruition I can't even post a thank you to God because that is offensive to non religious people.  Never mind they have no problem loading my feed with anti religious bullshit.

People have no issue posting racist, awful hate filled political posts, dead animals that were hunted or just killed, hatefully charged remarks about women and so on, for me to read, yet if I post it I'm the bad guy.  

What have we come to, that I can't even post to my Facebook about how I'm helping my son overcome his fear with religion and show a picture of the great find I got, without fear of backlash saddens me.

The good part about blogging is that if you don't like me you can click out.  You don't have to keep me in your feed reader, you never have to read me again.  But Facebook doesn't have that option.  You can't filter posts to only show the nice.  The only way to get around it is to unfriend a person.  That is a harsh solution that just causes more conflict.  I've done well up until now at not letting it get to me.  I've done well at being the bigger person and just skipping the posts that break my heart, or sadden me.

But today, when I realized I couldn't even post a joyous event on my own Facebook that was just too much.  I think it's time to clean house on Facebook.  Keep those people that are mostly positive.  Get rid of the people who breed hate and see if it doesn't make my day just a little bit happier.

For now though, I will take comfort in knowing that I can come here, to my blog and tell you all about my sons fear, his new belief in God, and my ridiculous response as to why God created dinosaurs.  

End of soapbox!

The stomach issues persist.  I finally got into the new doctor and surprise surprise she restricted my eating even more.  Not because of weight issues, but because it takes over three days for my food to digest she doesn't want me eating things like apples, or carrot sticks, or fruit that hasn't been mashed or blended. The reason behind it is that if an apple sits in my body for over 3 days it will ferment like wine and cause tons of gas and swelling.  So I've just gotten myself used to eating my guacamole and hummus with carrot sticks instead of chips or pretzels and she has taken those away.  On top of that she has taken away, hummus and black beans.  

She wants to put me on a medicine soon to help my small intestine kill the bacteria that shouldn't be there but first they want to do a five hour X-ray test to see how long it takes me to digest food.  This is driving me insane.  

I spent the last four days in California at Six Flags.  I did pretty well with my eating. I packed protein shakes.  I had oatmeal for breakfast or cereal.  For lunch we had Subway and one day we had pizza.  For dinner when we went out I ordered soup, salad, roasted veggies and mashed potatoes.  The potatoes tasted rotten.  The veggies were cold and undercooked.  The soup had chickpeas in it, which I didn't notice until I left.  I spent last night in the hotel in the most devastating pain.  One, from the veggies being mostly raw my stomach couldn't break them down, but two from the chickpeas which she says will cause instant gas and pain.

Lets recap food I cannot eat for various reasons:

Seeds (flax, sesame, sunflower)

Nuts (basically all, including hazelnut, almonds, cashews, peanuts, etc)

Barley

Soy (no tofu, or edamame)

Black beans

Chickpeas

Hummus

Raw fruit that hasn't been blended or cooked

Raw veggies that haven't been cooked until totally soft and mushy.

Hard cheese

Anything high in fiber

Now add in the things I don't eat

Meat

Fish

Shellfish

Eggs

Cheese with rennet or mold

What exactly does this leave me?

I'm trying to watch my weight so pasta and potatoes are not something I can eat often because of the calories and carbs.  Plus a lot of pasta has barley.  Oatmeal is high in fiber which is bad for my digestion. Since I'm trying to work out I still need to get adequate fat and protein.  I try eating avocado but it's no fun just eating it with a fork and without my carrot sticks.  I make a protein shake daily and blend fruit into it, but I don't know what to do now that I'm not supposed to eat my apple a day.  I can only eat so much quinoa.

Once again we've come back to the fact that potato chips are totally safe and why should I even diet anymore.

Then lets discuss the gym.  After spending nearly five months working out 3-4 times a week a trainer finally sat me down and told me I was doing all the wrong stuff. Running, biking and weights are great, but all they will do is build muscle under my fat and make me look bigger then when I started.  So starting this week I have to embrace  whole new style of workout called plyometrics.  I'm frustrated for two reasons.  One reason is, it will feel like starting over, I will be awful at it and possibly feel like giving up or like I'm not good enough, the same way it was when I started this with gym Barbie.  The second issue is that if the first trainer I consulted had handled me right and taken the time to give me a real plan and tell me what I really needed to be doing I could have been halfway to my goal.  I'm sad.  I feel so set back and I go back and forth between thinking why bother starting over and thinking that I am strong enough to start over and what's another five months of my life.  

All of this is discouraging.  There are days I wake up with a flat stomach and I feel like I am making progress. Then there are days like today where I ate something wrong unintentionally and now I'm bloated and my stomach is pooching out like I had a baby two weeks ago.  I hate everything about myself today.  I'm sick of this. I wish I could just get the food thing down, I wish the doctors could just give me a set food list that won't change in a month or a week. I wish that I wouldn't get used to eating one way and have the doctors change it.  I wish that I wouldn't have put so much time into the gym just to find out I've been working out all wrong for my body and gender.  My workouts are designed for men.  The stuff I should be doing is designed to melt all of the fat off AND THEN I can work on muscle.

On top of all this about six months my blood work revealed my cholesterol was high.  My good cholesterol is very good but my bad cholesterol was worrisome.  The doctor demanded I go on a pill but I said no.  I asked for six months to exercise and change my diet.  I changed my diet, I worked out consistently and diligently.  Every work out was almost always well over an hour.  I went in for new blood work and my cholesterol had risen.  I was so depressed.  The doctor said more then likely this is genetic and that I'm fucked for life.  She pushed the pill on me again but I spoke to a homeopathic doctor first and she put me on a cocktail of:

COQ10 with red yeast rice and niacin

Vegetarian DHEA

B12 stress relief

Spirellina Powder

I have to take this daily plus an allergy pill because I had to stop getting my weekly allergy injections since I was missing so much work.

I'm a mess you guys.  I'm going through so much of a funk without all of this, that this sometimes feels crushing.  No one can really empathize with this.  Most people can eat anything they want.  Most people don't have these kinds of restrictions and a large portion of people I'm surrounded by are already athletic or thinner then me.  I'm feeling defeated right now.  School starts up next week, baseball comes back and when will I have time to work out.  What is going to keep me motivated? What happens if I spend another five months doing a new work out and I find out this was wrong too?

I just want to be fixed. I want to be healthy. I want to eat without questioning every single food I put in my mouth.  I want cooking to be fun again and not frustrating because so many foods are taboo.  I hate cooking.  I used to love it and now I despise it.  

I just want to be like a normal average person.

Why me.

 

Nicknames: Brando, Peanut & Buddy

How old are you: Eight

What is your favorite color: Blue and bluish greenish

What is your favorite animal: Dog

What is your favorite book: Poppy and Rye

What is your favorite TV show: Ben 10, Big Brother, Awesomest TV

What is your favorite movie: Transformers Three

What is your favorite song: Radioactive by Imagine Dragons

What is your favorite food: That is hard, I have a couple, ribs, steak….basically meat.

What is your favorite drink: Fruit punch (please note it's the organic, dye free stuff)

What is your favorite breakfast food: Cake (he had it for his birthday), eggs, toast and bacon

What is your favorite snack: Cheddar bunnies

What is your favorite outfit: Basketball shorts

What is your favorite game: Transformers prime

What is your favorite toy: iPod touch

Who is your best friend: Lucas

What is your favorite thing to do: Play on my iPod is has cool games like Uno

What is your favorite thing to do outside: Play in my new pool

What is your favorite holiday: Halloween

What do you like to take to bed with you at night: Nothing

Where is your favorite place to go: Baseball games

What is your favorite restaurant: That place we went in Califonia with the great bread.

Where do you want to go on vacation: Mexico…back to that cool house

What do you want to be when you grow up: Me! Be a famous chef

What did you do on your birthday: Have fun.  A lot of fun.

If you ever watched the TV show Friends then you know what a list of five is.  If not, let me tell you.  It's a list of five famous people that you are totally allowed to cheat on your spouse with, without getting in trouble.  My husband and I both have a list.  I can only think of two people on his list off the top of my head, JJ from Criminal minds and Allison Sweeney.

My list has been pretty much the same for a long period of time.  However I was recently forced into revising the list when my #1 Brian Wilson became dead to me.  That happened the day he signed with the Dodgers.  It is safe to say Brian and I are now on a very very serious break.

You guys I KNOW.  Okay.  I know. The beard is weird, but his personality is fucking amazing.  His smile is incredible.  He wore the SF Giants uniform like a God and he is hilarious.  Brian Wilson has been my number one since the day he got fined for having shoes that were too orange on the mound and he colored the orange in with a Sharpie marker.  Perhaps even before that.  Perhaps he's been my number one since the first time I laid eyes on him.  

Making a list is hard.  Sometimes looks skew the whole thing but you have to think hard about this.  For instance Zac Effrons eyes are super dreamy..ahem because I'm clearly looking at his eyes…cough cough.

But Zac is young.  He also seems just a little bit too nice, like maybe he wouldn't be experienced enough to spend a whole night with.  Clearly if we are cheating on our spouse it has to be worth it right…you want to walk away satisfied.  I mean if my husband ever gets the chance to spend the night with Allison Sweeney I'm just letting her know in advance she better rock his fucking world, or it was all for nothing.  Zac doesn't look like he would be a full blown world rocker.

My current list is as follows:

1. Still open.  Brian is in time out.

2. Brandon Crawford of the SF Giants.

I don't show a picture of it here but he has the best smile.  Wait hang on….

Yes.  I love his smile.  Plus the way he swings the bat, and pivots his hips, combined with the shit he does as short stop, clearly he would not be a waste of a night.  Nope. Nuh uh.  Even if I spent the whole night staring into his dreamy eyes and holding his bat.  Not THAT bat you guys..his baseball bat. Geez!

3. TI the rapper.

Aside from his insanely perfect teeth and the incredibly cute glasses I swear just his voice does me in.  I would probably spend the entire night just listening to him talk.  Yes.  I could watch his lips allllll night long.

It should be mentioned that Nelly is a close contender for this spot because…come on

But Nelly lost to TI due because his voice doesn't melt my insides the same as TI does.

4. You are going to judge me so hard on this one but Tommy Lee. I know he is like 75 years old but you guys…the drums, the drums are a huge ass turn on to me.  Drums and a guitar.  If you can play either of those I'll probably do anything you want.  But if you can play the drums while hanging upside down like this,

Well….let's just say it was love at first site.  Not to mention, I read his book.  A night with Tommy Lee would soooo not be wasted.  Seriously, you want an example about the drums.  Phil Collins is an old bald weird dude who sang in Genesis. I love his music.  However, if you get Phil on the drums and show me a video of it suddenly I want to sleep with him.  I swear, something about the drums just does me straight in.

5. Justin Timberlake.  Okay now lets be honest here.  I know everyone was on the Justin bandwagon for years.  I did not get on the band wagon until 2011.  That is when he became cute to me.  Prior to 2011 I did not like him.  But now, his smile, and his smooth dressing, and funky glasses..swoon.

And lets be honest. Justin Timberlake on SNL is the funniest shit I've ever seen.  

 

I don't know what to do with #1.  Channing Tatum is cute but…sometimes his ears bug me.  However, those dance moves….hmmm.

I have a stupidly huge crush on Bob Harper from the Biggest Loser.

However I'm not sure if he is #1 material.  I met him once, y'all I immediately went stupid and forgot how to speak.  If I was ever on the Biggest Loser I don't even know how I would be able to work out because my jaw would be on the floor staring at him so much.  

If he was alive my number one would be Waylon Jennings so fast.  I've read his book also.  

The way that man moves when he plays his guitar.  It shuts me right up and mesmerizes me.  I can watch videos of Waylon playing the guitar for hours on end.  It literally never gets old.  But he's passed away so he can't be in the number one spot.

I have a pretty big crush on this guy too.  But he isn't number one material.

I also love Spencer from Criminal Minds. But he's a little bit too skinny to rank on the list.

I also love love love love Liam Hemsworth. But I'm so mad at him for staying with Miley Cyrus that he is not allowed on the list.

Then there is my own personal Christian Grey.

Joe might actually be the closest to making the list.  I have an unreasonable crush on him, and I was more excited to see him in Magic Mike then Channing Tatum.

What's a girl to do.  I need to fill in that last spot.  I am so very very mad at Brian Wilson for betraying me to become a Dodger.  Heartbroken you could say.   Do you have a list? Who is on it?  I need suggestions to compete my list.

 

I feel like I should add a disclaimer that my husband is fully aware of my list.  As am I of his list.  He knew he married an incorrigible flirt.  Be he also married a girl who will stop walking down the street to point out another girls fine ass.  Seriously, I text him this morning to mention that I saw the new girl at his old work place and her ass is amazing.  Don't even get me started on the time I fell in love with a cashier at Costco and made him pretend to go to the bathroom just so he could look at her ass, or the time I fell head over heels in love with a stripper.  I'm not the kind of girl that gets mad at my husband for looking at women, as long as he points them out so I can look too.  He knows that I will watch an action movie (GI Joe) just because Channing Tatum is in it along with like four other guys with super hot abs and he just laughs at my dumb ass.  He knows I will grin all over the fucking place any time Brandon Crawford steps up to bat.  And when Brandon makes a hit my husband is fully prepared for me to go off on a tangent about the move of his hips and the way his ankle turns out just so and, "OH MY FUCKING GOD BABE ISN'T HE JUST SO SEXY, JUST LOOK AT HIS SWING, LOOK DID YOU LOOK, DID YOU SEE, SHOULD I REWIND?"

So, before anyone freaks out and thinks my husband will be offended by this, you should know…he's aware of my stupidness over hot men.  You should also know that my husband has his own rocking hard body that I keep photos of on my phone and computer.  And if I hadn't promised I wouldn't post them on my blog I would totally post them for y'all to see.  But he made me promise.  But it's safe to say…that man has nothing to be insecure about when I get all googly eyed over a guy on TV.

 

UPDATE.

I walked away from the whole thing and then it hit me.  It was so much DUH.  Obviously I know who I'm adding to the list. OBVIOUSLY!

Pfft. Ryan was the clear choice to replace Brian!