If you ever watched the TV show Friends then you know what a list of five is. If not, let me tell you. It's a list of five famous people that you are totally allowed to cheat on your spouse with, without getting in trouble. My husband and I both have a list. I can only think of two people on his list off the top of my head, JJ from Criminal minds and Allison Sweeney.
My list has been pretty much the same for a long period of time. However I was recently forced into revising the list when my #1 Brian Wilson became dead to me. That happened the day he signed with the Dodgers. It is safe to say Brian and I are now on a very very serious break.
You guys I KNOW. Okay. I know. The beard is weird, but his personality is fucking amazing. His smile is incredible. He wore the SF Giants uniform like a God and he is hilarious. Brian Wilson has been my number one since the day he got fined for having shoes that were too orange on the mound and he colored the orange in with a Sharpie marker. Perhaps even before that. Perhaps he's been my number one since the first time I laid eyes on him.
Making a list is hard. Sometimes looks skew the whole thing but you have to think hard about this. For instance Zac Effrons eyes are super dreamy..ahem because I'm clearly looking at his eyes…cough cough.
But Zac is young. He also seems just a little bit too nice, like maybe he wouldn't be experienced enough to spend a whole night with. Clearly if we are cheating on our spouse it has to be worth it right…you want to walk away satisfied. I mean if my husband ever gets the chance to spend the night with Allison Sweeney I'm just letting her know in advance she better rock his fucking world, or it was all for nothing. Zac doesn't look like he would be a full blown world rocker.
My current list is as follows:
1. Still open. Brian is in time out.
2. Brandon Crawford of the SF Giants.
I don't show a picture of it here but he has the best smile. Wait hang on….
Yes. I love his smile. Plus the way he swings the bat, and pivots his hips, combined with the shit he does as short stop, clearly he would not be a waste of a night. Nope. Nuh uh. Even if I spent the whole night staring into his dreamy eyes and holding his bat. Not THAT bat you guys..his baseball bat. Geez!
3. TI the rapper.
Aside from his insanely perfect teeth and the incredibly cute glasses I swear just his voice does me in. I would probably spend the entire night just listening to him talk. Yes. I could watch his lips allllll night long.
It should be mentioned that Nelly is a close contender for this spot because…come on
But Nelly lost to TI due because his voice doesn't melt my insides the same as TI does.
4. You are going to judge me so hard on this one but Tommy Lee. I know he is like 75 years old but you guys…the drums, the drums are a huge ass turn on to me. Drums and a guitar. If you can play either of those I'll probably do anything you want. But if you can play the drums while hanging upside down like this,
Well….let's just say it was love at first site. Not to mention, I read his book. A night with Tommy Lee would soooo not be wasted. Seriously, you want an example about the drums. Phil Collins is an old bald weird dude who sang in Genesis. I love his music. However, if you get Phil on the drums and show me a video of it suddenly I want to sleep with him. I swear, something about the drums just does me straight in.
5. Justin Timberlake. Okay now lets be honest here. I know everyone was on the Justin bandwagon for years. I did not get on the band wagon until 2011. That is when he became cute to me. Prior to 2011 I did not like him. But now, his smile, and his smooth dressing, and funky glasses..swoon.
And lets be honest. Justin Timberlake on SNL is the funniest shit I've ever seen.
I don't know what to do with #1. Channing Tatum is cute but…sometimes his ears bug me. However, those dance moves….hmmm.
I have a stupidly huge crush on Bob Harper from the Biggest Loser.
However I'm not sure if he is #1 material. I met him once, y'all I immediately went stupid and forgot how to speak. If I was ever on the Biggest Loser I don't even know how I would be able to work out because my jaw would be on the floor staring at him so much.
If he was alive my number one would be Waylon Jennings so fast. I've read his book also.
The way that man moves when he plays his guitar. It shuts me right up and mesmerizes me. I can watch videos of Waylon playing the guitar for hours on end. It literally never gets old. But he's passed away so he can't be in the number one spot.
I have a pretty big crush on this guy too. But he isn't number one material.
I also love Spencer from Criminal Minds. But he's a little bit too skinny to rank on the list.
I also love love love love Liam Hemsworth. But I'm so mad at him for staying with Miley Cyrus that he is not allowed on the list.
Then there is my own personal Christian Grey.
Joe might actually be the closest to making the list. I have an unreasonable crush on him, and I was more excited to see him in Magic Mike then Channing Tatum.
What's a girl to do. I need to fill in that last spot. I am so very very mad at Brian Wilson for betraying me to become a Dodger. Heartbroken you could say. Do you have a list? Who is on it? I need suggestions to compete my list.
I feel like I should add a disclaimer that my husband is fully aware of my list. As am I of his list. He knew he married an incorrigible flirt. Be he also married a girl who will stop walking down the street to point out another girls fine ass. Seriously, I text him this morning to mention that I saw the new girl at his old work place and her ass is amazing. Don't even get me started on the time I fell in love with a cashier at Costco and made him pretend to go to the bathroom just so he could look at her ass, or the time I fell head over heels in love with a stripper. I'm not the kind of girl that gets mad at my husband for looking at women, as long as he points them out so I can look too. He knows that I will watch an action movie (GI Joe) just because Channing Tatum is in it along with like four other guys with super hot abs and he just laughs at my dumb ass. He knows I will grin all over the fucking place any time Brandon Crawford steps up to bat. And when Brandon makes a hit my husband is fully prepared for me to go off on a tangent about the move of his hips and the way his ankle turns out just so and, "OH MY FUCKING GOD BABE ISN'T HE JUST SO SEXY, JUST LOOK AT HIS SWING, LOOK DID YOU LOOK, DID YOU SEE, SHOULD I REWIND?"
So, before anyone freaks out and thinks my husband will be offended by this, you should know…he's aware of my stupidness over hot men. You should also know that my husband has his own rocking hard body that I keep photos of on my phone and computer. And if I hadn't promised I wouldn't post them on my blog I would totally post them for y'all to see. But he made me promise. But it's safe to say…that man has nothing to be insecure about when I get all googly eyed over a guy on TV.
I walked away from the whole thing and then it hit me. It was so much DUH. Obviously I know who I'm adding to the list. OBVIOUSLY!
Pfft. Ryan was the clear choice to replace Brian!