And then the elephant quit the movie and everything sucked again

For those of you who read this post, you are aware I was a huge champion of Charlie Hunnam being cast as Christian in 50 Shades of Grey.

Charlie has dropped out of the movie.  I am devastated.  You guys, seriously, he is so ridiculously sexy and I was so happy that I would get to see him all naked and naughty.  I cannot believe he dropped out. 

Okay, that's not true, I can believe it.  Doesn't mean I'm not destroyed over it.  I think I would have dropped out also if production tried to force me into a fictional romance with this Dakota Johnson chick.  I'm sorry but she is just not Ana.  She isn't pretty enough to be Ana. She isn't innocent enough to be Ana.  We are supposed to believe that Ana is a 20 something virgin.  There is no part of me that looks at that tore up Dakota chick and believes she is a virgin.  Nope. 

Either way I'm sad.  They are going to have to find someone supremely delicious to fill Charlies shoes.  Someone as bad, and naughty, and scary as Jax was.  Those are big shoes to fill.  I'm glad I still have Sons of Anarchy to watch but it is not the same.  I was so excited to see Jax Teller naked.  Beyond excited.  More excited then I should even admit publicly. Shit though, he's so fucking incredible in that show, I would let him handcuff me and play Christian any time he wants.

I would love if they recast Ana.  I am struggling so hard with Dakota as Ana.  It's just wrong.  She should have left the movie, not Charlie.

Doing things the hard way

Because my mother loves to take unflattering pictures of me I'm able to show you how I looked in 2012.  I was fat.  I stayed fat for another year.  Or maybe longer.  Then in March of 2013 I decided it was time to change.

I didn't want to be this girl anymore.

I didn't want to have to constantly crop my photos to hide my fat. 

I didn't want to be the girl who looked this fat in a tank top.  I didn't want to stand next to my husband and look like we didn't belong together anymore. This time I knew I had to do it differently though.  I had to lose weight right.  Exercise and eating right.  I also had to accept that this was going to take time.  It still is going to take time.  I have a long road ahead of me. 

The photo on the left was when I started losing weight.  The photo on the right is me today.

My jeans are two sizes smaller today.  I ordered them last week.  When they came in the mail I hid them because I didn't think there was anyway they would fit.  But they did.  They fit.  The photo on the left is a size 16.  The photo on the right is a size 12.  The jeans in the very top photo are a size 18. You probably don't see much difference in the two photos but I do.  My arms are smaller.  I have more shape in my waist.  AND MY JEANS ARE TWO SIZES SMALLER!

I work out hard.  I try and go three times a week.

I wear a Polar watch to track my calorie burn.  I don't leave the gym until I hit a certain burn.  I have also started paying for a trainer once a week.  This way I know I am accountable to someone.  He knows if I don't show up during the week and he questions me.

I've also tried to start dressing a little bit cuter.  I'm trying to dress for my body.  I've discovered if I look good, and feel good then I want to look better and feel better.  Dressing up encourages me to go to the gym because it reminds me of all the other cute clothes I want to wear.

I've started taking it a little easier on myself.  I wanted a tan body this year.  You cannot be tan in a one piece.  I decided this year that I'm 31.  I am married and I have my kids.  I don't need to impress anyone.  I don't need to hide myself.  I don't care what everyone else at the pool thinks.  I went out and bought myself a bikini this year.  I wore that bikini. I wore it in front of skinny girls, I wore it to the lake and to the water park.  You know what? I was happy.  I was tan and I was happy.  I never hid, I didn't wear a cover up, I just rocked that bikini and reminded myself that by next year I would be rocking a smaller size bikini. 

I'm finally seeing the changes in my body.  Clothes fit different.  I have some curves.  That little bit of fat between my ass and thighs that made it look like I had a second ass is gone.  My ass is lifting. My arms are getting smaller.  I have some muscles.  My legs are a little bit nicer.  Boots that didn't used to zip up, now zip up.

I've changed how I eat.  This time though, I didn't cut out any foods.  I start the day off with a protein shake, some oatmeal and coffee.  I have an apple for snack.  Lunch is sometimes healthy and sometimes it's Taco Bell.  Dinner is whatever we are eating, but in a reasonable portion.  I recognized that making food off limits just made me binge on it when I was having a bad day.  I also realized that if I am going to keep this up for life I have to be realistic.  I will never quit Taco Bell.  I will never quit chocolate.  I will never quit french fries.  So the idea that I should give up all of those foods entirely was just silly. Giving them up just made them something I suddenly felt like I "needed." I would obsess over the food I couldn't have and then next thing I knew I was in a food coma surrounded by fast food wrappers and candy bars.

The key to what I'm doing is to see the changes.  I could easily look in the mirror and tell myself I'm still fat.  Which I would be lying if I said I never do, but I do it less now.  I've concentrated on photos. I take photos often and compare them to remind myself.

I notice a huge difference between these two girls.

When I do look in the mirror and feel sorry for myself I just pull out an old picture and remind myself I've come a long way.  Photos are key to recognizing weight loss.  I also take photos weekly in my bra and undies which I won't post here, but they have helped me a ton in seeing the changes.  Every time I get out of the shower and start feeling sorry for how I look I snap a new picture and then put it side by side with my starting picture and suddenly I'm okay again.  A lot of people have commented that my phone sure is full of pictures of myself.  They don't know why though.  They don't understand that sometimes you need to see the proof in front of your face to believe the change that has taken place.  The day I wore that little denim dress I was feeling unsure of myself. Wondering if I was small enough to show off that much leg and arm.  But then I pulled up that picture of me in the purple dress and realized that compared to that I was totally rocking that denim dress.  I hope that a year from now I can use that denim dress as inspiration to wear another smaller size dress.

I still fuck up.  I still have a bad weekend and eat whole candy bars, ramen and french fries.  That is okay. I get back on my horse, go to the gym and work it off.  I am honest with my trainer and I tell him when I cheat.  I'm a work in progress.  I am doing this the hard way.  No fad diets, no food restrictions, no pills or potions.  Just hard work and dedication.  There are faster ways to do this I'm sure, but they don't last.  Losing weight the hard way will last.  Because it just becomes a life style.  This is my life now.  Gym, healthy foods, and cute clothes.  I'm not living a life on a fad diet, or a pill thinking that when I get to X weight then I can stop. I cannot stop this.  The gym is just going to have to be a way of life now.  Eating healthy 80% of the time is just a way of life.  There is no end point.  No date when I get to stop.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

This is me right now.  In my smaller jeans.  I'm so happy with myself today.

After those smaller jeans fit I was so happy.  I had a little league board meeting yesterday that ran until 7:30 at night.  That is far later then I normally work out.  But I left that meeting and drove right to the gym.  I kicked my ass at the gym because I knew I had smaller jeans at home that I needed to wear today.  I knew that I wanted the jean size to keep going down and not go back up.  I worked myself until I knew I would be sore again today.  I have a long way to go.  I would like to lose about 15 more pounds.  I don't have any unrealistic expectations.  I will never be 120 pounds again.  I don't want to be something I'm not. I don't want to give up butter, and parmesan cheese and warm baked bread.  I would be happy at about 150 pounds.  I would be happy to fit into the jeans I bought 6 years ago that were size 10 Lucky jeans.  I don't need to be a size 4.  I just need to be healthy for my kids.  I want some muscles.  I want to stand next to my husband and his rocking body and not feel out of place.  I turn 32 in a week, and I have to say for the first time in years I'm really happy at how I will be starting this new year.

The thing I just cannot handle yet

You guys, I am not okay with Finn Hudson dying.  This is probably the first time a celebrity dying has really kicked my ass.  Losing Cory sucks. 

I don't know if it's simply because I was so hell bent on Rachel and Finn getting married and having Finn die would have been like having Ross die in the final season of Friends.  You can't just one day not have Ross and Rachel, the same way that I CANNOT have Glee without Finn and Rachel.  I am devastated.  I will go ahead and admit right now that in the episode Finn decided not to marry Rachel and he instead sent her to NYC I cried for two days. 

I'm not even sorry. 

I cried a lot.  How dare he.  How dare the show.  Dammit they were supposed to get married.  Now Cory is dead and Finchel will never happen. I am livid.  Why couldn't they have had them get married two seasons ago?  We could have at least gotten the wedding and the happy ending. 

I have cried every episode this season that did not happen.  I have no idea how I am supposed to get through this weeks goodbye episode. I am very nervous about how they will handle it.  I've heard rumors that they won't even acknowledge the drugs and that pisses me off.  They need to acknowledge it.  They need to have Finn die of an overdose.  The world needs to see the consequences.  Hiding it from America and giving him some other ending or not ever acknowledging that he over dosed is not only letting him off easy but it's letting America think that it should be hidden, that it should not be dealt with, and that basically Cory got away with how he died.

I am mad at him.  I am so mad at him for dying.  I am mad at him for going to that hotel and getting those drugs and not getting some fucking help.  I'm mad at the mess he left behind.  I'm mad that he had a pretty incredible life and he chose the path he did.

I'm tired of Hollywood going to a part time rehab and then being let off the hook.  Why didn't he have a handler? Why wasn't someone watching his stupid ass? 

I am mad.  I am mad and I am sad and I am fucking heartbroken.

I hate the show now.  Rachel is never again allowed to date.  The whole thing is tarnished. 

I don't know how to watch this weeks show.


If I die please erase my Google search history, but bury me in cute boots

I have a confession to make.  I am a Googleholic.  Y'all I Google anything. If someone says a slang or phrase I don't understand I Google it.  This makes for some interesting Google history.  I won't type it out here because then I will bring that kind of traffic to my blog, and the kind of traffic I get already is bad enough because I love to use the word Fuck so much.

Anywho this week I've been doing some special Googling.  You see, I'm dying to wear boots.  Everyone always gets to wear cute dresses with boots that fall just below the knee and then cute lacy socks or leg warmer things sticking out of the top.  I WANT TO DO THAT! I have two problems though.

1.  Ever since I was little I've suffered from fat calf syndrome.  Even when I weighed only 100 pounds my calves were always too big to fit in those cute tall zip boots.  My Uggs…they always kind of smush down because they don't fit over my calves.  My really cute very expensive cowboy boots, yup they are totally smushing down.  So I gave in and Googled, "fat calf boots."  First of all I am stunned at how many exist.  So so many.  There was plus size boots.  Boots that went past WW Extra wide and onto WWWWW and other letters that I still haven't figured out what to do with.

This led me to my second problem. 

2. While all of the boots might have been wide enough, every single pair would have been thigh highs on me.  I am only 5' 1" boots don't fit me the same as other people.  So I Googled "boots for short people."  There were tons.  I was thrilled.  I learned all about measuring from my instep to the bottom of my knee to find out what height boot would work for me.

Then I realized that none of the short people boots would be wide enough for me.  So fine, I Googled, "wide calf boots for short people."

This is what I am looking for

This is what my search pulled up

Google you fail me.  I….WHAT!

Why is this so hard.  I want some brown riding boots that are fat calf and short that don't cost $200.00.  I would even take a pair of Cabelas brand if they came in the right height and width.  I will not take white patent leather boots Google.

Look.  I just want to be all hip like everyone else in the cute boots.  I figure by the time I find the cute boots, they will be totally out of style which is fine I'm used to being out of style.

Not that any of this matters because I also cannot locate a cute denim skirt right now, nor will I wear skinny jeans because short and fat in skinny jeans is bad bad news.  I would most likely buy the boots and then just stare at them in my closet every day.  But still, wouldn't they be fun to stare at?

Random things you may or may not know about me

Things I have a bad habit of:

1. Cutting myself while shaving.  

2. Leaving my new shaving cream, soap, or shampoo downstairs on the kitchen table while I'm upstairs in the shower.

3. Trusting the wrong people.

4. Getting hella rude when I don't eat.

5. Forgetting to take my working headphones to the gym so being stuck with only one side working.

6. Saying fuck.  Often.

7. Remembering every single thing, except what I was just about to say.

8. Wearing flip flops into the dead of winter and then whining about it.

9. Reading a book in one day.


Words I cannot spell:

1. Definitely 

2. Definitely


Words that should be used more often:

1. Dastardly

2. Terrific

3. Fantastic



The only acceptable smells for my body:

1. Apple ( no spice)

2. Vanilla


The only acceptable smells for my house:

1. Apple (NO SPICE)

2. Grapefruit Vanilla

3. Citrus (not lemon pledge smell)

4. Honeysuckle

All of these can only be Salt City candle brand which is a real bitch because they stopped making my favorite scent.


Smells that make me violent:

1. Pumpkin spice

2. Anything spice

3. Anything named after laundry


Things I just cannot quit:

1. Chocolate.  Let's face it, the world is better as long as I have chocolate.

2. Bloody Marys sans Wochesterchieirierer

3. Toast