If I die please erase my Google search history, but bury me in cute boots

I have a confession to make.  I am a Googleholic.  Y'all I Google anything. If someone says a slang or phrase I don't understand I Google it.  This makes for some interesting Google history.  I won't type it out here because then I will bring that kind of traffic to my blog, and the kind of traffic I get already is bad enough because I love to use the word Fuck so much.

Anywho this week I've been doing some special Googling.  You see, I'm dying to wear boots.  Everyone always gets to wear cute dresses with boots that fall just below the knee and then cute lacy socks or leg warmer things sticking out of the top.  I WANT TO DO THAT! I have two problems though.

1.  Ever since I was little I've suffered from fat calf syndrome.  Even when I weighed only 100 pounds my calves were always too big to fit in those cute tall zip boots.  My Uggs…they always kind of smush down because they don't fit over my calves.  My really cute very expensive cowboy boots, yup they are totally smushing down.  So I gave in and Googled, "fat calf boots."  First of all I am stunned at how many exist.  So so many.  There was plus size boots.  Boots that went past WW Extra wide and onto WWWWW and other letters that I still haven't figured out what to do with.

This led me to my second problem. 

2. While all of the boots might have been wide enough, every single pair would have been thigh highs on me.  I am only 5' 1" boots don't fit me the same as other people.  So I Googled "boots for short people."  There were tons.  I was thrilled.  I learned all about measuring from my instep to the bottom of my knee to find out what height boot would work for me.

Then I realized that none of the short people boots would be wide enough for me.  So fine, I Googled, "wide calf boots for short people."

This is what I am looking for

This is what my search pulled up

Google you fail me.  I….WHAT!

Why is this so hard.  I want some brown riding boots that are fat calf and short that don't cost $200.00.  I would even take a pair of Cabelas brand if they came in the right height and width.  I will not take white patent leather boots Google.

Look.  I just want to be all hip like everyone else in the cute boots.  I figure by the time I find the cute boots, they will be totally out of style which is fine I'm used to being out of style.

Not that any of this matters because I also cannot locate a cute denim skirt right now, nor will I wear skinny jeans because short and fat in skinny jeans is bad bad news.  I would most likely buy the boots and then just stare at them in my closet every day.  But still, wouldn't they be fun to stare at?

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