Doing things the hard way

Because my mother loves to take unflattering pictures of me I'm able to show you how I looked in 2012.  I was fat.  I stayed fat for another year.  Or maybe longer.  Then in March of 2013 I decided it was time to change.

I didn't want to be this girl anymore.

I didn't want to have to constantly crop my photos to hide my fat. 

I didn't want to be the girl who looked this fat in a tank top.  I didn't want to stand next to my husband and look like we didn't belong together anymore. This time I knew I had to do it differently though.  I had to lose weight right.  Exercise and eating right.  I also had to accept that this was going to take time.  It still is going to take time.  I have a long road ahead of me. 

The photo on the left was when I started losing weight.  The photo on the right is me today.

My jeans are two sizes smaller today.  I ordered them last week.  When they came in the mail I hid them because I didn't think there was anyway they would fit.  But they did.  They fit.  The photo on the left is a size 16.  The photo on the right is a size 12.  The jeans in the very top photo are a size 18. You probably don't see much difference in the two photos but I do.  My arms are smaller.  I have more shape in my waist.  AND MY JEANS ARE TWO SIZES SMALLER!

I work out hard.  I try and go three times a week.

I wear a Polar watch to track my calorie burn.  I don't leave the gym until I hit a certain burn.  I have also started paying for a trainer once a week.  This way I know I am accountable to someone.  He knows if I don't show up during the week and he questions me.

I've also tried to start dressing a little bit cuter.  I'm trying to dress for my body.  I've discovered if I look good, and feel good then I want to look better and feel better.  Dressing up encourages me to go to the gym because it reminds me of all the other cute clothes I want to wear.

I've started taking it a little easier on myself.  I wanted a tan body this year.  You cannot be tan in a one piece.  I decided this year that I'm 31.  I am married and I have my kids.  I don't need to impress anyone.  I don't need to hide myself.  I don't care what everyone else at the pool thinks.  I went out and bought myself a bikini this year.  I wore that bikini. I wore it in front of skinny girls, I wore it to the lake and to the water park.  You know what? I was happy.  I was tan and I was happy.  I never hid, I didn't wear a cover up, I just rocked that bikini and reminded myself that by next year I would be rocking a smaller size bikini. 

I'm finally seeing the changes in my body.  Clothes fit different.  I have some curves.  That little bit of fat between my ass and thighs that made it look like I had a second ass is gone.  My ass is lifting. My arms are getting smaller.  I have some muscles.  My legs are a little bit nicer.  Boots that didn't used to zip up, now zip up.

I've changed how I eat.  This time though, I didn't cut out any foods.  I start the day off with a protein shake, some oatmeal and coffee.  I have an apple for snack.  Lunch is sometimes healthy and sometimes it's Taco Bell.  Dinner is whatever we are eating, but in a reasonable portion.  I recognized that making food off limits just made me binge on it when I was having a bad day.  I also realized that if I am going to keep this up for life I have to be realistic.  I will never quit Taco Bell.  I will never quit chocolate.  I will never quit french fries.  So the idea that I should give up all of those foods entirely was just silly. Giving them up just made them something I suddenly felt like I "needed." I would obsess over the food I couldn't have and then next thing I knew I was in a food coma surrounded by fast food wrappers and candy bars.

The key to what I'm doing is to see the changes.  I could easily look in the mirror and tell myself I'm still fat.  Which I would be lying if I said I never do, but I do it less now.  I've concentrated on photos. I take photos often and compare them to remind myself.

I notice a huge difference between these two girls.

When I do look in the mirror and feel sorry for myself I just pull out an old picture and remind myself I've come a long way.  Photos are key to recognizing weight loss.  I also take photos weekly in my bra and undies which I won't post here, but they have helped me a ton in seeing the changes.  Every time I get out of the shower and start feeling sorry for how I look I snap a new picture and then put it side by side with my starting picture and suddenly I'm okay again.  A lot of people have commented that my phone sure is full of pictures of myself.  They don't know why though.  They don't understand that sometimes you need to see the proof in front of your face to believe the change that has taken place.  The day I wore that little denim dress I was feeling unsure of myself. Wondering if I was small enough to show off that much leg and arm.  But then I pulled up that picture of me in the purple dress and realized that compared to that I was totally rocking that denim dress.  I hope that a year from now I can use that denim dress as inspiration to wear another smaller size dress.

I still fuck up.  I still have a bad weekend and eat whole candy bars, ramen and french fries.  That is okay. I get back on my horse, go to the gym and work it off.  I am honest with my trainer and I tell him when I cheat.  I'm a work in progress.  I am doing this the hard way.  No fad diets, no food restrictions, no pills or potions.  Just hard work and dedication.  There are faster ways to do this I'm sure, but they don't last.  Losing weight the hard way will last.  Because it just becomes a life style.  This is my life now.  Gym, healthy foods, and cute clothes.  I'm not living a life on a fad diet, or a pill thinking that when I get to X weight then I can stop. I cannot stop this.  The gym is just going to have to be a way of life now.  Eating healthy 80% of the time is just a way of life.  There is no end point.  No date when I get to stop.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

This is me right now.  In my smaller jeans.  I'm so happy with myself today.

After those smaller jeans fit I was so happy.  I had a little league board meeting yesterday that ran until 7:30 at night.  That is far later then I normally work out.  But I left that meeting and drove right to the gym.  I kicked my ass at the gym because I knew I had smaller jeans at home that I needed to wear today.  I knew that I wanted the jean size to keep going down and not go back up.  I worked myself until I knew I would be sore again today.  I have a long way to go.  I would like to lose about 15 more pounds.  I don't have any unrealistic expectations.  I will never be 120 pounds again.  I don't want to be something I'm not. I don't want to give up butter, and parmesan cheese and warm baked bread.  I would be happy at about 150 pounds.  I would be happy to fit into the jeans I bought 6 years ago that were size 10 Lucky jeans.  I don't need to be a size 4.  I just need to be healthy for my kids.  I want some muscles.  I want to stand next to my husband and his rocking body and not feel out of place.  I turn 32 in a week, and I have to say for the first time in years I'm really happy at how I will be starting this new year.

4 thoughts on “Doing things the hard way

  1. This posts makes me all happy for you and shit…I’m so happy you are able to forgive yourself for your slip ups (even if some days its much harder that others!). I know you’ve come so far, not just physically but mentally in the past year and it’s so exciting to see you stronger and healthier!


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