And breathe

Sometimes I just have to walk away from this blog.  Which is hard because what I would love more then anything is to come here and just spend twenty minutes unloading my brain in an open and honest blog. That is impossible when the people you know in real life read your stories though.  I have a bad habit of reaching a breaking point and just spending thirty seconds unloading every single thought in my head and then four seconds later regretting 90% of them because they will either cause a shit storm of a response or people will thing I'm insane.

I hate this time of year.  Let's just get this out of the way now.  I hate Christmas.  A lot. I loathe Christmas carols. I hate Christmas shopping.  I hate the planned dinners and the exchanging of gifts.  I don't like that this holiday has become about money and presents and not love.  I don't mind shopping for the kids, but shopping for adults and friends stresses me out beyond belief.  I change the channel the second a Christmas song comes on.  I basically dislike every holiday from September up until Easter.  I enjoy buying "just because" gifts all year long. I do not enjoy buying Valentines gifts, or Mothers day gifts, etc because it's not a surprise, it's expected. It's forced.  I don't like receiving them either.  But "just because" gifts, I love that shit

Easter is beautiful it smells like fresh cut grass and happiness.  I love Easter.  That is usually right around the time I come out of this cloud of doom where every day is a challenge.  I don't like winter. I hate the snow.  I hate the cold.  I do not like wet feet.  I'm miserable until the sun comes back.

I try everything in my power to self sabotage during this season.  I push everyone away, I overeat, I don't take care of myself.  This is the first year in probably ten years I've stuck with the gym during the winter and it is seriously only because I have this amazing trainer who rides so many miles to work every day just to train his clients that I think if he can do that I can get my lazy ass up off my couch and go to the gym.

I stop cooking during the winter.  Or I cook but I don't cook my amazing gourmet meals.  I just lose the love, and love is a huge ingredient in my cooking.

I want to be better at blogging. I'm trying.  I'm throwing myself into the gym as hard as I can because it's the healthiest way to push myself right now. I'm trying so hard to keep up the appearance that I'm normal and functioning for my kids this time around.  It feels like I have moments of thinking I'm handling this all so well and then moments where the whole world is looking at me like I'm failing. 

I'm not giving up though.  I can beat this shit. Let's start a count down to spring.

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