The weight of it all

Yes. I'm still talking about fitness.  Get used to it. I suppose I could change the name of this blog but I don't want to. Just because I chose to stop putting my kids lives out there for the world to see doesn't make me any less of a misguided mommy.  Now I'm just a fit mommy.  You guys all traveled through the first years of parenting with me when all I talked about was poop, and baby clothes, and granny panties.  Now you can follow along with me on this life changing experience.

I've talked about this before but since it's happening right now at this very minute I thought I would bring it up again.  Weight loss is 80% nutrition, 20% exercise and a billion percent mental.  By far the biggest struggle I've had is convincing myself I do not weigh 198 pounds again.  I think people who maybe just gained baby weight and lost it don't quiet understand the struggle of spending at least 10 years of your life overweight and then losing 55 pounds in just a year.  I took ten years to adjust my head around being fat, I cannot adjust it around be thin in only 15 months.  Everyone has their own coping mechanism and mine happens to be photos.  My iPhone right now is 90% pictures of me in various states of undress or different gym outfits and maybe 10% family.  This has been the most helpful part of my mental journey.  This weekend I gained three pounds.  Normally I'm not bothered by that because usually It's after a good workout and my body fat is dropping so I know it was muscle.  This time however I knew it was poor food choices.  The first poor food choices I have made in almost 90 days.  Those three pounds quickly manifested into ten pounds in my head.  By the time I hit the gym I no longer weighed 146 pounds, I weighed 178.  By the time I made it home I was almost back to 198 pounds in my mind.  My stomach was protruding and fat and looked like I was carrying a four month pregnancy. I felt gross and could not wait to take off the cute gym shorts I had loved hours before and hide my thighs immediately.

Tonight though I did something different. Instead of hiding I got in front of the mirror and started snapping away.  I'm a firm believer that mirrors don't lie.

Wait. That girl in the mirror isn't 198 pounds.  Shes kinda hot. Let's double check.

Those are two totally different girls. How did I not see this? 

This morning I started the day out feeling so thin, my shirt size was smaller, my pants too baggy…where did it all go wrong?

Wasn't I just the girl proudly wearing a cute little romper around feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world?

I know what happened.  I went form 143 to 146 without a body fat loss.  In my head I can gain weight as long as my body fat drops.  If I gain and the body fat stays the same my mind spirals out of control with doomsday scenarios.

It's so strange that I can lose 55 pounds (52 as of today) and yet I'm still at the store buying large shirts,

When will that fat girl mentality go away. When will I walk into a store and confidently pick up a medium, or hell even a small and know that it will fit? When will I stop second guessing myself and the words of everyone around me?

I've been accused of being a gym rat.  Of spending too much time at the gym.  Of wasting too much time taking photos and doing side by sides.  I've been told to let it go, move on…insert the chorus of "Let It Go Here."  This makes me so fucking massively angry.  How dare you judge my journey.  How dare you judge my methods of getting there.  I eat clean.  I work out. I hike. I run. I go to the lake and hike the rocks and then spend the day relaxing.  I rent giant inflatable slip n slides and spend the day with a bunch of nine year olds racing down the slide with them.  I take my dog for walks.  I do squats while I watch TV.  I am living a healthy lifestyle this is my normal.  But telling me that my way is wrong or frowned upon is the worst thing you can do.

I'm bipolar, manic depressive and have one of the worst cases of self abhorrence I've ever seen.  Telling me that my way isn't right isn't going to encourage me to do it your way, it's going to encourage me to stop it all.  If you really love me you need to accept my methods. Spending nights at the gym is what works for me.  It's motivating.  I walk in and people stop me to tell me how incredible I look.  People stop me, ME, now to ask for advice.  People stop me and say "I've seen your photos you are such an inspiration." That doesn't happen on a walk.  That doesn't happen on a bike ride. That happens in the gym.  You develope this incredible group of friends who become a solid support system. Who notice if you stop coming, who notice when you are having a bad day and need a push, who notice your achievements.  I've never been on a hike and had someone stop me to tell me how inspirational I was.

All of the positive feedback at my gym has encouraged me to take classes to be a trainer.  I may never become a trainer but what better way to get in shape then to take the classes and learn all about your body.  I have the most incredible trainer ever.  He's seen me at my lowest, my heaviest, my saddest, my most broken and beaten down moments and he's picked me up and cheered me on and supported me through every single moment I question if I had one more squat in me, one more dead lift, one more minute of fitness left. He's stood by me, never missed an appointment, always had a smile waiting, and encouraging words.  He's never let me give up.  He has always treated me as though I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.  Perhaps to some paying for a trainer is the wrong way to do it.  For me, paying this man to be by my side daily has been the best choice I could have made to change my life.  He is truly one of my closest friends.  Not many people can handle my moods, my self loathing, my temper, the moments when I shut down and get lost in my head and just cannot keep going. He does.  He stops the workout, helps me clear my mind, and then punishes me for even second guessing myself.  I've said it a thousand times before I owe Rockey my life.

You don't get this kind of feed back and support outside on a hike or a bike ride.  I'm sure there are people out there who don't need that reassurance but they didn't spend 10 years at a dangerous high body weight, with heart disease inducing cholesterol.  Maybe those people with just a few pounds to lose have no idea what it's like to have been an XL bordering on an XXL they don't know that when your solution to everything is emotional eating and self hate that gaining back every pound is a real fear.   People need to realize every journey is different.  Mine started and ends at the gym. I feel safe there. I feel welcome there.  I feel supported there.  I am praised there. I'm an inspiration there.  People stop me at the gym now for advice and tips because they have watched my progress this last year and a half.

Remember before you judge anyone method of losing weight to realize that most likely they have chosen the method that they know is the safest to keep them from falling back into old habits.  They pay for that trainer because his job is to hound you, and encourage you and tell you that you can do just one more set, just one more curl, just one more, and then high five you and whoop loudly at the gym celebrating YOU. 

No I won't stop taking before and after pics. I won't let it go, I won't move on from that.  Because those photos are what saves me from feeling super depressed and eating a bag of ramen, a family size bag of lays, an entire container of chocolate chips, and jelly straight from the jar, all in under ten minutes.  Those photos stop me in my tracks, clear up my perspective and save my life daily.

Look at her.  Isn't she beautiful?  Isn't she worth it?  Thank god she took that picture that morning, so later in the day when the self loathing kicked in she could flip to that photo in her phone and realized, she is perfect in an imperfect way.

One thought on “The weight of it all

  1. First, you do look fabulous.
    Second, your journey is inspirational.
    Third, everyone has a different process and as long as it works for you that is all that matters. As long as you are happy and healthy that is all that matters.
    Keep up the good work.


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