Everything is different now

I’m writing this post from my living room on my laptop, which is actually how this blog got started many years ago. However one room over, through two double doors is a beautiful office with a stunning hand sanded and stained gray wood wall to wall desk and my 27″ iMac, with a view of the whole back yard. That is also the room where Brandon died. We stripped it down to the studs after and did a full remodel making it a calm and peaceful place as he had written about in a school journal, and for a while I too found it a calming place. Lately though I just can’t seem to work in there, which has made school and a job search difficult as I try to find a place for my laptop, mouse, bigger keyboard, supplies etc.

I don’t go to the gym really anymore. I keep trying to but something gets in the way, and I can’t really find a reason to care. I don’t eat as healthy as I used to because it doesn’t seem important to make allergy safe foods for myself anymore. It was always easier to do that for myself because I was also doing it for Brandon. We shared a ton of allergies and I always wanted to set a good example for him.

Yelp events aren’t the same without him. Last night I attended an event with free pizza, wings, and soft serve ice cream & I spent the whole night missing the visual of him with his whole face and all of his hands covered in wing sauce. Less than 10 days before Brandon died he went to a Yelp event with me and we discussed him becoming the youngest Yelp Elite in Reno. That will never happen now.

I really miss his hugs. I feel like I’m on an island alone most of the time and I know I’ll never feel whole again without him wrapping me up in a hug, kissing the top of my head and telling me it will be okay mom.

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