Everything is different now

I’m writing this post from my living room on my laptop, which is actually how this blog got started many years ago. However one room over, through two double doors is a beautiful office with a stunning hand sanded and stained gray wood wall to wall desk and my 27″ iMac, with a view of the whole back yard. That is also the room where Brandon died. We stripped it down to the studs after and did a full remodel making it a calm and peaceful place as he had written about in a school journal, and for a while I too found it a calming place. Lately though I just can’t seem to work in there, which has made school and a job search difficult as I try to find a place for my laptop, mouse, bigger keyboard, supplies etc.

I don’t go to the gym really anymore. I keep trying to but something gets in the way, and I can’t really find a reason to care. I don’t eat as healthy as I used to because it doesn’t seem important to make allergy safe foods for myself anymore. It was always easier to do that for myself because I was also doing it for Brandon. We shared a ton of allergies and I always wanted to set a good example for him.

Yelp events aren’t the same without him. Last night I attended an event with free pizza, wings, and soft serve ice cream & I spent the whole night missing the visual of him with his whole face and all of his hands covered in wing sauce. Less than 10 days before Brandon died he went to a Yelp event with me and we discussed him becoming the youngest Yelp Elite in Reno. That will never happen now.

I really miss his hugs. I feel like I’m on an island alone most of the time and I know I’ll never feel whole again without him wrapping me up in a hug, kissing the top of my head and telling me it will be okay mom.

Still not sure how to do this

I haven’t written since 2018 for a variety of reasons. The first reason is that someone else had moved my blog to a self hosted website & I could no longer edit, spell check, or add photos so I just stopped. My family had found my blog and began tracking my time on here which got old fast. But then my 14 year old son, my dear sweet precious Brandon committed suicide on Feb 18 2020. It’s been 18 months and this is the first time I’m able to sit down and put the words onto my website.

I don’t really know how to even start this post. I haven’t been able to breathe since he left. Brandon was my first born, my ADHD twin, and one of the only people in the world who could hug me in a way that made me feel whole and safe. My son suffered depression, and we did everything right. I have suffered depression my whole life so I was very aware of what not to do. I never asked “why” or said “you have nothing to be sad about,” I simply told him it’s okay, hugged him, cried with him and asked “how can I help?

We went to therapy. He elected to take meds, he swore he was getting better, but in the end he took his life over a girl, and I am the one who found him. There are a lot of things I will talk about, but even more I will never talk about and HOW he died is a firm no. Brandons little brother Codi was home with him that day but he does NOT want to know how his brother died. Out of respect for the only child I have left I kindly ask you not to comment asking about it, and if you do track down ways to figure it out, kindly never post it on my social media platforms where his brother follows me. Please. I will be doing a FAQ page on here too, that’s coming.

A lot is coming actually. More writing, figuring out how to do a podcast, figuring out how to write a book, and the non profit I have just started for Brandon. For now I’m going to end here, do some homework, and process the fact that I finally put it it down on my blog that my sweet 5′ 9″ love is gone.