So. This morning Rob gets up with Brandon. Allowing me to sleep in until 10AM. I could have slept longer but they woke me up because, quote “I was scared you were dead since you have never slept that late in your life.” Anyway we were getting ready to go to Olive Garden and I had just finished puking, because apparently my body decided it wanted to vomit a lot today, and Rob says, BABE HAVE YOU SEEN THE CLOSET? I’m like no, why? He’s like no reason just wondering. So I ask, “BABE, IS THE CLOSET GOING TO MAKE ME SAD?” Nooooo he says. I’m like are you sure, he says sure. I walk in and I see this.


No, that doesn’t make me sad at all. Notice how its only my side. Which means it is all my clothes I’m going to have to hang and rehang and so on. On a side note while we were at Olive Garden I had to run down the stairs, and shove aside an old man in a walker so I could go puke in their bathroom, only to have it splatter all over my pants and my shoes. So then I had to walk out of the bathroom looking like the sink had exploded on me, while everyone there shot me dirty looks because I was the girl who shoved that old man and little girl. Sigh!

As I mentioned earlier, my son is sick. Being a mom with a sick child is one of the worst things ever. You know, people don’t tell you why though. Yeah yeah seeing a baby be sick sucks. However being puked on 4-5 times a day super sucks. Especially when a little tiny 22 pound baby suddenly pukes up 2 quarts full of cottage cheese looking stuff and you look at him thinking where in the fuck have you been keeping all that shit? And really, being a mom, tests your gag reflex in ways you can’t imagine. Because, when you have a sick child puking on you, you really can’t do anything more then stand there and take it. The last thing you want to do is puke back on your child or freak out and make them feel bad for what they did.

However, no one tells moms about the poop that kids have when they are sick. Holy shit, (punn totally intended). Sunday night, he literally squirted out something that looked and smelled like that brown gravy you buy in the packet at the store. Only it smelled like I had mixed in some two month old rotten eggs.

If you are still reading at this point I am slightly amused by you and really questioning your sanity.

But, today, today, o today. Nothing could have prepared me for this kid. I walked down the hallway where he was and bout threw up from the smell that hit my nose. Normally he runs away when he poops but today, he stood there all proud like, “yeah mom, I made that, it came out of me!” I rushed him to the changing table in the bathroom and opened his diaper and immediately I regretted being trapped in such a small room with such a huge fucking mess. SERIOUS!!!! I’m so serious, I used caps, exclamation points and bold!!!! Inside his diaper I found some kind of mustard liquid jelly concoction. Totally not on purpose I made my worst EWWW face and he burst out laughing, so impressed with the junk in his trunk.

This happened two more times today. Both times I was shocked, baffled and forcing myself not to vomit on him. One of the times, he did it in my coworkers office, and we actually had to go get spray because an hour later the smell was still there. The only way I could get through it was telling myself it was cuz all the sickies were finally coming out of him, and this was a good thing. I thought that, until he let out two, two quart pukes all over my work and my dad and my work and did I mention my dad. I came around the corner to see my dad holding him out about two feet in front of him, his shirt, pants and shoes covered in cottage cheese and the funniest look on his face. As soon as I got around the corner Brandon took on look at me and puked up another KoolAid pitcher worth of curdles.

If you are still reading, I know the name of a great mental hospital you can check into. It is so funny because they always say, don’t stress when your baby spits up, although it looks like a lot its only a few teaspoons. HA HA HA teaspoons would be nice. My kid is puking up cups, and saucers and bowls full. Really, though. How is it that the moment you become a parent suddenly you can withstand being puked on and covered in mustard stinky poo with out even flinching? However, this only works for your child. If some other kid puked on me, they should run fast, because I’m about 8300% sure I’m going to be puking up a whole gallon on them. Really I can’t handle changing other kids diapers but I can handle rotten egg gravy poop from my own son. Awww the mysteries of parenthood.

Okay I have to go now, I need to throw all the mustard, gravy and eggs out of my house at once!

I LOVE RACHAEL RAY. No, really. I would marry her if I could. Then we could have glorious arguments about who got to cook what in the kitchen. Okay we would probably also fight over who had better knives. I vote wusthof, I’m sure she would vote her Rachael Ray knives. We all know who would win that. ME, DUH! Was there even a question there? I tivo her knew talk show and I just love it. However I’m also a huge fan of her 30 minute meals shows. A few reasons why I like her. She often does vegetarian meals, or things that can easily be vegetarian. She also does a lot of different kind of things or different takes on common stuff. Watching her really helps my creative side come flying out. It makes me think, “self, why don’t you try making that, minus this plus that, with a side of this.” And then I make it and its awesome and I think wow, had I never watched Rachael Ray I never would have discovered Cumin.

On another topic. I miss gluten. Rachael Ray made these things tonight called Frankenstuffers and I was infuriated that I couldn’t have em.

Frankenstuffers
One can pilsbury pizza dough (cut into 8 pieces)
Hot dogs
Mustard
Bacon
Other Dog fixins

Put one dog in piece, add mustard, ketchup, cheese, bacon, mayo, sourcraut, the kitchen sink, roll up, seal like a bagel dog and bake as it says on can. Eat and enjoy!

Do you see now why I’m stomping around the house like a 13 year old who just got told she couldn’t have a cell phone. Not to mention the fact that my husband insists on keeping COOKIES AND CREAM FULL FAT ICE CREAM IN THE FREEZER. No he doesn’t hate me, it’s just the only kind I like. Don’t worry, I make sure to give the ice cream a dirty look every time I open the freezer. Thank gosh I found the slow churn low cal CHOCOLATE FUDGE CHUNK ice cream, or I would probably defile his ice cream somehow. (Angie says I should pee in it anyway, I’ll wait till the carton starts giving me dirty looks back)

I am pretty sure the TV hates me. All I see is Arby’s and Wendy’s and Burger King commercials and I swear I never wanted a Burger so bad as I do the very second those commercials start.

Rachael Ray just started cooking some kinda super meat chilli with some fucking ultra cheesy spicy corn bread that I can’t eat and I want to go back and edit my blog to the I hate Rachael Ray blog. I won’t though. And then a goshdarn Receese commercial comes on and I’m reminded that aside from the calories I can’t even eat those because my son is allergic to peanut butter and there is no way in hell I’m going to be my own sons kiss of death. I’ll just go eat my low cal, gluten free fake fucking ice cream. Watch out Cookies and Cream, I’ve had a lot of water today.

I’m home again today. Brandon got up to 102.2 last night so we re hanging out at home today to take care of him. I am watching The Hills and just watching it is morphing me into a little teeny bopper high school gossip. Its like watching a scary movie. I wanna shout at the screen “Run Heidi, Run, Spencer is trash.” Unfortunately I can’t do that. I just have to sit around and watch this girl be a dumb ass. This show also makes me want to be an anorexic. Hey at least I have better teeth then these girls. Shit, see, told you, I just went all high school right there.

My house is extra clean today. I am afraid to move of the couch for fear I might mess it up. How is it possible one person can actually mess up a house? I am so good at that. I leave a little Shannon trail wherever I go. Really. If I ride in your car there is an 80% chance that I will leave something behind. Random things too. Here are some examples of things I tend to leave behind:

• Mustard pack
• Coffee cup with coffee in it
• Water bottle
• Nail files
• Mail
• Junk mail
• Reno News and Review (I leave this one everywhere)
• Straw wrapper
• Baby toys
• Sippy cups
• Milk cartons
• Toothbrush

And so on and so on and so on. I am horrible at that shit. At home I’m the same. You can tell where I have been because I will leave behind a paper cup, half a chip, a sock, my bra and plenty of other things. Its good having a kid because usually his mess hides mine. I mean really, who can see my dirty sock under a huge pile of socks right? RIGHT?

I should tag this blog as Shannon posts random garbage. OMG now LC is totally yelling at Heidis boyfriend and I’m thinkin “NEENER NEENER SHIT BAG!”

I hate when my son is sick. Really it is the most devastating thing in the world. I don’t think kids should be allowed to get sick. I don’t think parents should either. I just think no one should. We should all live to 100 and then just die in our sleep.

This is going no where so I’m going to go find some chips and salsa.

My Superbowl party was a hit. Who am I kidding, it is always a hit. I made some great food we had:

• A burger station, with all the fixins even bacon and sauted mushrooms and onions, pickles, pepperocinis and so on.
• Italian ciabatta melt sandwiches
• Weenie wraps
• Homemade potato salad
• A veggie platter with 3 dips
• Chips with dips
• Cupcakes, cookies and cheese cake.

Yes I ate it all. The salami was amazing and I can’t stop stuffing it in, but I have to because I’m a vegetarian and you can’t eat salami when you are a vegetarian. Also, have you seen how many calories are in salami? One single slice is 110 Calories. WHAT THE FUCK.

The rest of the party was a blast. My husband and our friends managed to play every single drinking game he knew starting at 11:00AM going on till 9PM. He had such a blast. Last night was also the first time a lot of my friends, my family and his friends came together and they all intermingled and meshed so well. I was very impressed.

My dad also came and he was the hit of the party with all of the kids. In fact they were having so much fun playing with him they totally forgot how much they don’t like each other and didn’t even kick, punch or pull hair the whole time they played with him. Finally though the kids had to come in because they were freezing. Brandon came in and immediately puked on me. Not just a small puke, more like a double covered the front of my shirt and puddled on the floor puke. He followed that up with a nap and another puke, followed by a triple puke on Rob. I finally took his temperature and he was 100.5. He took a small nap, and started puking in his sleep. At around 11:30PM his temp went up to 101.2 and more puking came out. He fell back a sleep and all the sudden I heard SQUIRT SQUIRT. That’s right, he was now squirting out rotten egg liquid diarrhea. It was so bad that it gave him instant diaper rash and he wouldn’t even let me wipe him. Then when I was just beginning to worry that he wasn’t peeing and was dehydrated, he made sure to pee all over himself while the new diaper was about 5 feet away…I also think he peed all of the pee he had been holding in for about 5 hours. I brought him into the living room and we sat around and he threw up again and then he was out of vomit and started dry heaving. Listen people that is the saddest sight you will ever ever ever see in your life. I get him back to sleep and you guess it, more squirty egg poo. Uggggg. He finally passed out after midnight and woke back up at 4:40 pooping something that looked like watered down gravy. His fever is still 100.7 so he finally got some Tylenol and is having a nice nap. Poor poor little dude.

Aside from all the vomiting and pooing I had such a great time with all of my friends. It was so nice having my new friends and my old friends hanging out and not killing each other. It was extra fun watching my husband play every single drinking game he knew and getting his friends and mind so drunk some of them couldn’t even walk a crooked line or sit on a barstool. To me, that is the sign of a successful party…Oh ya and the giant mess the day after. Thank gosh for Norma my cleaning lady/baby sitter/ buddy who has come to rescue my kitchen from drowning in beer bottles as I take care of the small gravy pooping child.