I’m slowly remembering things from my previous pregnancy….

Like my uncontrollable drooling while I’m sleeping. So bad that I have to put a few tissues or a towel on my pillow to avoid waking up from the wet spot on my bed.

Sigh!!!!!!

My butt head cousin seems to think that I should make some sort of Pregnancy addendum post on here letting you know that my previous post wishing death to all those who asked me to go get ice cream and candy is now Null and Void.

Exceptions: I will still only eat frozen yogurt or low calorie ice cream.

Fine print: I don’t actually want chocolate every day, and now that I am pregnant this means that if you bring chocolate you will be responsible for helping me exercise it off in some way, immediately there after.

Rewards: You get no rewards besides the privilege of hanging out with me and my incredible moody pregnant ass.

Cancellation: Failure to provide adequate exercise will cause all niceness benefits to cease immediately and I will go “Pregnant Road Rage Shannon” On your ass.

Exclusions: I am also being money greedy which there for means said ice cream dates can not cost more then 3.00 per trip not more then once a week.

Finance charges: Friends who do show up with out chocolate will be charged a finance charge of one and a half chocolate bars or a home made chocolate treat, which ever value is greater!

WHY IN THE FUCK DO I NOT OWN A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN? WITH CHOCOLATE IN IT? FLOWING RIGHT INTO MY MOUTH? HUH? WHY HAS NO ONE GOTTEN ME ONE OF THESE YET, YOU BIG BUNCH OF WHORES? AND WHY O WHY HAS NO ONE BROUGHT ME CHOCOLATE SINCE FINDING OUT I WAS PREGNANT? DO MY FRIENDS HATE ME?

Don’t you hate it, when you go pee, and you stand up and realize, you still have to pee?

Disclaimer: This random thought may be pregnancy induced.

I mentioned briefly on here that I am pregnant. This means another baby. What I didn’t mention is that I’m secretly freaking out because my first baby is, well, STILL A BABY. He still has these skinny legs and knobby knees and tiny arms. I am finding it so hard to understand that soon he won’t be the baby anymore, instead he will be moved up to big brother. At least he will hold the title of first born.

I am so shocked to even be pregnant. I think I am so shocked I haven’t really accepted it all yet and had a chance to get fully excited about it. Rob and I were trying, this was something we wanted, I guess I just never expected my body to make it happen after only two months. I think I was more prepared for for another long drawn out “trying” phase. I guess I expected a bunch more trips to the fertility doctor, and watching everyone else around me get pregnant. I also thought since i had so much time I didn’t even need to address the fact that my little boy is still a teeny baby himself.

There are other things on my mind.
Like how am I seriously supposed to get my son out of my bed in time for the new baby? He has a bed, and when he isn’t sick (which is every day) he sleeps in there for a few hours.

Also, will one crying baby wake up a sleeping baby?

Will Brandon really beat on his new sibling?

How do I make it a girl?

Will my boobs get big again? They are now little tiny pancakes. More like deflated balloons that are squishy like they are full of pudding and a mixture of cottage cheese and stretch marks.

Is it possible to maintain a healthy lifestyle? I’ve only known I was pregnant for 4 days and I’m already sad I left the highly processed bright yellow spicy cheese dip at home. Instead opting for the healthy hummus and celery.

How long will I be able to balance on my bicycle?

If pregnancy gives you baby brains and parenting gives you mommy brains then what the fuck is going to be left of my brains?

A conversation with Steph

Me: Hey whatch doing
Steph: Going to the mall
Me: Have you checked your email lately?
Steoh: No
Me: go check it
Steph: I will when I get home
Me: Okay whatever, I’m in Cali today….Oh fuck it, I’m just going to tell you I’m pregnant
Steph: WHAT
Me: Yeah
Steph: OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS??????????????????????
Me: Yeah
Steph: (now shouting) OH MY GOD WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY (notice I said WE, yes she actually said WE are going to have a baby, I was already giggling so hard I could barely form sentences to her)
Me: Your silly
Steph: THIS IS SO EXCITING OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I AM FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU SERIOUS, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
(at this point Stephs voice is rising and she is saying oh my God so frantically I picture her outside of her car running around in circles not sure which direction to go, in fact, I start to get worried that she might wreck her car as she is driving)
Me: Yeah I just found out
Steph: Oh my God I get to rub your belly, this is going to be so much fun Oh my God wait till we find out the sex can you just imagine how excited I’m going to be that day Oh my god I’m freaking out right now this is so exciting. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD (At this point I think she might actually be hyperventilating or having and asthma attack she is so excited, really she was behaving as though someone just told her she won a bajillion dollars tax free every year for the rest of her life)
Me: You are cracking me up
Steph: Well this is just so exciting. I mean I knew you said you were trying but I thought gosh their only trying this could take a year, this sucks, and now your pregnant and I’m just so excited. (She now sounds like those people in the Dairy Queen flame thrower commercial who are afraid to exhale for fear fire will come out of their mouth….only with Steph I think if she exhaled confetti would come bursting out of her.)
Me: Okay we are at Robs moms work we are going to tell her.

Later I get a message from Steph about how excited she is. I picture her at home probably doing cartwheels and jumping around like that girl in the tampon commercial showing us how flexible she can be in her super tampon. In fact, if I didn’t know better I would think that Stephanie sprouted wings and began to fly at that moment. This has by far been the best response I’ve gotten combined for both pregnancies.

Settling

A long time ago a friend and I were talking about settling. We were discussing how we had some friends who we felt settled in their relationship. A lot of it we felt was because, for whatever reason, they thought they wouldn’t be able to find anyone else to love if they left who they were with. I pondered on this thought for the longest time. Pleased with myself knowing that I hadn’t settled. I don’t want to come off as a conceited fuck head, but I’ve always known I could easily find another guy, even when I was a Phatso…it’s some kind of charisma about me that kind of makes guys swoon all over me. Back to the point. I thought about this all more and realized that there actually were points in my life that I had settled. I also realized there are so many different ways one can cling to something for fear of what else might be out there.

For me personally for a very long time I had settled into bad friendships. The biggest one was Shanna. I settled mostly because I feared what would happen if I finally told her I didn’t like who she was. I feared the shit stirring among our friends, the gossip, the enemies I would make and so on. I never realized that I would actually make so many amazing friends by ridding myself of her. I know I have settled in the past in smaller relationships but I can’t really think of many other times I have actually conceded and just given in.

I think most of you would argue that I have settled with my job, but, alas, that is untrue. I have a very good thing going on with my job. Lets really look at it. I am salary, I can do anything I want, and take time off at a moments notice. I bring my son to work every day and my office is even half converted into a toddler room. I can be late, or off early and for the most part no one says anything. If I need money I just ask and it is there. I have a full kitchen so I can enjoy great meals. I am often taken to lunch and even breakfast. There is a futon so if I feel like a mid day nap I can do that. Hmmmm so, sounds like I have a pretty good set up there huh?

However. There are some people in my life who I feel have greatly settled. The hardest part of that is biting your tongue and not saying anything to them. There is one person I am brave enough to tell, and this is only because I know she understands I’m only writing about this because I really love her. This is Steph. I have to be honest, I feel like a lot of her current friendships could be re-evaluated. I realize the two people I am mainly discussing are actually her best friends, but I must say from the 35 minutes I spent with them recently I would strongly reconsider their place in my life. Being the sober person in the situation and, a self described VERY OBSERVANT person I was appalled at what I saw. These friends were not warm and inviting to the new people in Stephs life. They grouped together and told secrets. They spoke of Stephanie as if she were their child and not their friend. When they brought up her nose ring, it reminded me of being in high school when friends used to get mad if you copied them. I was astonished the first words these girls spoke to me were negative against Stephs character. These girls continued to be negative the whole night. In fact almost the entire group was terribly negative. It was like sitting at a table with 5 Shanna’s and 3 Shanna guys. I have never felt so unwelcome in my life. I started to think of my friends, and Robs friends and how inviting they are. How they are always hoping for someone else to join the party. How their response would have been “Rob, we love this guy,” and not, “ I can’t believe Steph pierced her nose because you did!” I realized had I been hanging out with Steph and someone else had joined the party, both Steph and I would have been so welcoming and kind. I suddenly realized that Stephanie is like this one amazing person stuck in a group of pretty sorry friends. There have been so many more stories she has told me and each time I think to myself, wow, this girl is stuck in a friendship like I was with Shanna, only this time there is two of them. I don’t write about this to be mean to Steph, I write about it because even though I have only known her a short time I have already grown to love her. My own friends trusted my judgment and accepted her into our group. When we went out the other night, it ended with hugs and laughs, and not snotty looks. I guess when it comes down to it, I keep watching my friend who has this amazing capacity to want to please people, continually get shit on. My only hope is that her friends can straighten up and start to love and support the way a good friend does. Its odd that I already feel so protective over a person I’ve only been friends with a short time. Maybe that’s why we work so well, I’m a nurturer by nature and Steph is defiantly in need of some nurturing. Not to mention she has already been an amazing friend and I can’t wait to see how excited she gets with me during this pregnancy.

I went off track again. Back to the subject of people being stuck. I don’t think in my own close circle of friends I have anyone who has settled for fear of doing better, but I defiantly know a few of these people. I do feel like there are a couple people in my life who stay where they are for the wrong reasons. I hate not being able to scream out I THINK YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE! I thought friends were allowed to do that, but I think I am still so afraid of how people react that for the most part I bite my tongue.

What is the proper etiquette for this? Is the right thing really to just stand around and watch your friends make huge mistakes and be unhappy? I know if my friends really thought I was fucking up I would want them to tell me. Maybe I wouldn’t head their advice but I know by eyes would be a lot more open to my own fate. Maybe we all just need to be open and willing to hear what the people closest to us are saying. Because I know as many times as ginger warned me about Shanna I just laughed it off. Now, if someone were to come to me and talk to me I would like to think I would hear it all so much different, because I’m in a place now where all I really want for me is what is best for me and my family. In the end my friends are now my family and I want to finally be in a place where we can all be happy and be together. I hope that I have done a better job picking friends now so that if I ever feel like I need a girls night or something I can invite all of my friends and know, they will all come, because we are all family.

I hope some of you out there who are reading this and wondering if you have settled, in your friendships or relationships, or job are starting to see that it is possible to break away and start over. I broke out of a locked down friendship and I feel like I’ve done nothing but flourish since then. I encourage all of you to break free of your chains and burdens and finally spread your wings as far as they will stretch. Get rid of the people who rather then fly along with you, have merely trapped you under their own wings. Its okay to let go and stop being their support. Be your own support now. Sail your own ship, fly your own plain and be the writer of your own life now. Now one can help you choose your own adventure, BUT YOU!

I decided to write and tell you how I came to start my diet/life change.

It was January 1st and I was sitting on the couch. Rob was off snowboarding so I grabbed a bag of chips and turned on the TV. Telling myself I would start a diet tomorrow so the chips were okay. I picked up my computer and started reading blogs. I stumbled across a blog called Untangling Knots. It was written by Karla. The first entry I read talked about how her and her husband Mark had lost their baby girl Ava only hours after she was born. Then I clicked the link taking me to You Tube and I was able to watch the video they had made for Ava. I was a wreck. I was bawling and crying and being all emotional. So I did the most logical thing. I read it again and again and watched it time and time and time again. I clicked the link to her new blog and went to the first entry in her archives and read her entire blog roll in a day. I was amazed. Here were these people who had this horribly devastating thing happen to them and they were so amazing through out. They didn’t fall into a pit of despair, or get a divorce or adopt new awful habits. No, these people rose above the hand that was dealt to them and decided they were going to persevere. I read all about how they continued trying to have kids and I read right up until the birth of baby Nate. As I was reading I was thinking to myself how amazing these people were. I was thinking that Karla was going to be a wonderful mother. I couldn’t believe that people like her existed. People who were, well, positive. I was amazed. I started to think to myself how the people in her life must look at her and think of how uplifting, and positive she is. I started to look at myself and I realized I was being so terribly negative in life. I was becoming exactly who I never wanted to be. When my own son grew up he would walk around telling people what a downer his mom was. I thought and thought and thought about this. I thought about these two people who had the worst of luck and still came out smiling and hopeful. I suddenly realized that was who I wanted to be. I wanted to teach my son to be positive. I wanted people to come around me and have a hard time resisting the urge to be happy. I wanted to exude uplifting and encouraging thoughts. I wanted to have ideas and goals and follow them through.

The next day I really did start that diet. Only, this time I started a life change as well. I began to adopt a positive outlook. I began letting go of things I realized I couldn’t change or control. I stopped picking all the little fights I used to with rob. I started looking at my husband in a new light and tried to make it an effort to always smile around him, not a forced smile either, a real one because I realized I had so much to smile about. I started looking at all that I had and taking such appreciation in it. Instead of looking at things I hated about my house, I started paying extra attention to what I loved. I have been so much happier and free. I started riding my bike and its true what they say, exercise does make you more positive. Not to mention its really nice having something that I truly enjoy that I can do all by myself or I can share it if I choose.

There are days when I admit it is so hard to keep dieting, or go work out, or have a smile on my face. But on those days, I pull up the link to the video for Ava. I reread some of Karlas entries and I tell myself to be grateful for what I have been given. Somehow just reading that she made it out okay helps me make it through the day.

I have often heard Oprah talk about her AHA moment. She always has people on her show who talk about theirs. I would always sit there wondering where in the hell my aha moment was. I have even seem episodes on her show were people had kids die or terrible things happen to them and I would think, “is this my aha moment?” but it wasn’t. I had to be ready to embrace my moment.

I started tracking my dieting, exercise and goals on a website and it helped me lose 18 pounds so far. Well, not so far since I’m now pregnant and can’t diet anymore. However I know that this time the reason the diet stuck could in whole be attributed to my attitude change. I finally wandered to the message boards on my diet website and talked a little about what worked for me. I was appalled at all the people who responded negatively and put down all the things I said. They all told me that attitude could not simply be enough. That it wasn’t possible to have just a small amount of a treat and have the will power to stop. They told me I didn’t understand their problems with food. I was shocked at the things I was hearing. Finally after people began emailing me telling me they loved what I had to hear I got upset and went back to the message boards. I told them, that too had been through what they were going through, but that I had my aha moment and realized I didn’t want to be that way anymore. They said that someone couldn’t just change. I was infuriated. I reminded them that I was married to a man who gave up smoking cold turkey. I had an uncle who stopped being an alcoholic in one day because he wanted to. I reminded them, that there are people in the world who are capable of wanting something and letting nothing stand in their way of succeeding. I suggested that maybe they were using their previous addictions and habits as a crutch. As an excuse to not move forward. Maybe for whatever reason they were afraid to succeed in weight loss. Maybe they just weren’t ready to embrace the change. I decided not to visit the message boards anymore. I couldn’t be surrounded by negative people. By people who just wanted to make excuses for who they were. So here I am now. This time around with pregnancy I feel like I’m in a place to make the most informed decisions about my health. I will continue to monitor my calories on my website, however now I will in crease them for the baby. I want to make sure that I don’t undo all I have worked so hard to accomplish.

I can’t wait until my kids are older and I can see myself in them. I used to be afraid that they would reflect me and now I can’t wait. I can’t wait for them to be the happy kids in class. The kids who aren’t mean or bossy and take everything in stride. The kids who get up and brush it off and know that tomorrow is another day. I am actually looking forward to seeing my reflection.

A few months ago I encourage my great friend Stephanie to start a blog. Yes I will use her name because I’m not scared of the assholes who fucked her over. In fact I am writing this with the soul purpose that they read it. After telling her how much blogging has helped me in many ways she finally decided to start one up. It was so cathartic and helpful for her the same as it was for me.

Steph seemed to be having a lot of trouble at work and would post random blogs about this. Somehow these blogs got in the hands of spiteful, rude, vengeful coworkers who felt the need to show her supervisors. Never mind freedom of speech, never mind the fact that she never mentioned names, she was still fired non the less because this person had some kind of grudge to hold.

I first I felt guilty because I had made her start a blog. But then I realized that this was not my fault and it was even less her fault. I am appalled that we live in a country based on freedom of speech yet we can be fired after using that right. I am more appalled that there are grown adults in this world who still find such great satisfaction in running and tattling on someone as they did in pre-school. I am shocked people with such small minds are even allowed to hold jobs at somewhere as big as, oh I don’t know THE STATE OF NEVADA.

Yes I will come right out and tell you that she worked there. I won’t mention divisions but I tell you the place to give you an idea of what kind of bullshit is going on behind the scenes when there are far more IMPORTANT things a person can busy themselves with. Especially in the division they worked in. I am infuriated knowing that rather then having extremely important issues be dealt with, this ridiculous joke of a person would instead waste her time ruining someones career.

Rather then dealing with the issue this girl had with Stephanie personally she went above her head and tried to get her in trouble. I don’t know how she was raised but I come from a family where if someone bothers you, confront them directly. Rather then go behind their back and become a backstabbing motherfucker I walk right up to you and resolve it like A GROWN ASS ADULT!

My first thought when writing this blog was to personally attack the fucker who did this to my good friend. But then I realized I too would be telling it to everyone but her. I, however don’t want to be a huge piece of shit like her.

My advice today for anyone who is about to go make themselves look better by bringing someone else down is to stop. Think like an adult. Realize that what you are about to do will not make you look better. Instead it will make those people around you not trust you ever again. You will become the snitch of the office and in the end you will look smaller then when you started.

To YOU! You know who you are, you are the coniving piece of shit who tried to screw my friend, I hope you realize, that rather then bringing her down you have only made her stronger. You have made her appear to be the bigger person in all of this. When she has excelled in life and is places you only dreamed your career would take you, I hope you feel like shit when you look at yourself sitting in the same office at the same desk with no friends, because you are now known as the piece of shit snitch no one will EVER TRUST AGAIN!