Okay this is really another random thought from yesterday but it came while I was driving so I couldn’t post it, but it just popped back into my head

Why is it, that when the car breaks down the first thing guys do is jump out and pop the hood and stare at the engine? It is as if they think they are going to look in there and magically instantly know whats wrong. It is more funny on a new car when the whole thing is run by a computer. Yeah Tommy your gonna be able to tell whats wrong by lifting the hood, whats that, you see the problem, its the turbo booster ultra mega computer chip…..

dumbass

So, this morning I rode to work with my lil cousin. It was a 1.8 mile ride, which now that I’m a fancy bike rider doesn’t seem long at all. In fact I get bored with small little three mile rides. Anyway, my bike ride this morning was a little harder because, I was wearing my new pants. Pants that just happen to be low rise. Low rise jeans + bike ride = disaster/eye candy for passing drivers.

BUT WAIT THERES MORE!!!

The “NEW” Pants I speak of are actually FIVE years old! I brought some of my old pants in from my storage and 2 of them fit so far. Thats not true. A few fit, but not how I want them to fit. See, I used to consider pants that buttoned pants that “fit”. Now I like there to be no muffin top, and I like to be able to stick a few fingers in at the waist. So two pairs of pants fit just perfect. Few more pounds and I’ll be rockin the Lucky’s again. Today I’m rockin some Abercrombie and I feel so high class compared to my Old Navy.

In other major news another goal was nearly accomplished. I went to American Eagle and I bought a pair of pants and some shirts off the rack. I bought the shirts two sizes smaller then normal and the pants 4 sizes smaller then I would have had to order online. This was one of my goals, to go buy clothes at a store that actually fit and weren’t super jumbo sized. So, the jeans “fit” and I coulda kept em, but the didn’t fit like I like so maybe 5 more pounds till I am free to go blow money any ole place. The shirts however were still to big. Even worse, my boobs have shrunk so much the strapless shirts just sagged right down and I flashed myself in the mirror. Took it all back and we will try again in two weeks!

Go me!

Soooo I finally achieved one of my biggest goals. Now, this may not even seem like it should be a goal to most people but to me it is, not to mention I married a Filipino so it makes a huge difference BUT,

I lost two more pounds! Since I’m telling my weight now that puts me at 162. Which means I’m 2, TWO Deaux pounds away from losing 20 whole pounds!!!!

Ack!

So, my newest plan is to stop going on food dates with friends unless it is somewhere semi healthy. A certain friend of mine and I are very guilty of going on ice cream dates. And even through I’m sure she won’t go with me, I’m cutting out ice cream dates and only going on frozen yogurt dates to TCBY or Honeytreat. Sorry, but I gotta start doing something to keep my weight off. Plus I weigh in tomorrow so its time for some weekly resolution making here. Next up, no more fast food or Italian restaurants for dinner. From now on its only places I can get at least one vegetable and a salad and possibly a potato. So friends, help me out here, don’t contribute to the delinquence of a fatty.

So, up until this moment, my cousin and Ginger are the only people privileged (they wouldn’t agree with my use of that word) to my extremely random daily, or hourly thoughts. So, heres todays first one..

Don’t you hate it when you are really really cold and you go pee and you nearly get burned by your own pee because its so hot and your so cold?

Don’t judge me!

Wow, I’ve been behind on posting huh? Yeah I have some reasons. Get ready for me to unload a whole shit storm of stuff on you.

So Friday night was a momentous occasion. My husband and I made the very major decision after 19 months to finally let Brandon spend a night away from home. I have been freaking out about it for the two weeks it has been planned. First on to Thursday. Rob and I had a night out and a fun little date. We went to the Harrahs Steak House and Lordy was it good. Let me tell you a few highlights. When you get to your table there are already THREE yes, three large loaves of dutch crunch bread and two sets of flat bread waiting for you at your table. This comes with your own whipped butter shaped like a rose. Next to our table was a wine bucket with water in a glass bottle and every time your server came to your table they had to refill your glass. When we were seated they brought us two crostinis with chicken salad to “WET OUR APPETITE”. Our meal was fabulous and between salad and dinner menu we were served home made pineapple orange sorbet..it gets better. They ask if you would like champagne on your sorbet to further cleanse your palate. Then we had our meal and had desert. AFTER DESERT they bring you a gold metal bowl with a lid on it. Inside the bowl is dry ice with citrus water that filled our entire table with a beautiful citrus smelling fog. On top of the little gold bowl were 4 home made truffles surrounded by more chocolates. WHAT! FREE CHOCOLATE! After desert. Yes please. This was followed by our warm towels soaked in lemon water. All in all it was freaking amazing. Oh yeah did I mention, they arranged my vegetable medley in the shape of a flower?

So Friday arrived and our day was pretty good. We went to work then got off and went and visited grandma (or his great grandma) and we even took her some TCBY. This was delicious. After this I went home and got Brandon packed for his first night away. I packed his new little rolling back pack with almost everything he owned, plus groceries and his precious Cheeto’s and milks. We took him and dropped him off and my heart nearly sank. After that we ran some kind of errand and then went home to get ready. After getting ready I was sitting on the couch and decided to torture myself by opening my Iphoto and going through every single photo of Brandon from birth. I had started a little file for photos I wanted to post on here, but after I got to a hundred or so I realized that would take an obsessively large amount of time to post. Instead we went in search of energy drinks for me. I decided since I didn’t drink that I wouldn’t be able to stay awake past 9 if I didn’t have help. I was totally overwhelmed and decided on a Starbucks double shot, a Bookoo, something called a 7 hour liquid shot, and a Monster. Oh yeah, I was flying that night. As we are home waiting for Robs friend to show I get a call from Steph. She is at Bulleys and would really love if I came to see her.

Actually the call went more like this:
Me: Hi steph
Steph:SLdifuaosdnglaisdy
Me: Where are you
Steph: You know
Me: Bulleys
Steph: Yes
Me: who are you with
Steph: You know
Me: Nope I dont
Steph: guess
Me: guesses lots of names
Steph: lots of NOoooooooooooooooos followed by sighs.
Steph: Will you please come see me
Me: Okay
Steph: No you wont
Me: yes I will which bulleys are you at
Steph: 1
Me: Where is that
Steph: You know
UGggggggggggggg.

Soooo, since I’m trying out this whole be a good friend thing and acutally do things for my friends thing, I bug Rob till he agrees we can all go to Bulleys and wait for our friends there. I walk in and go behind Steph and touch her and she turns around and seriously it was like she saw God or a chocolate factory. She was soooo happy. I will totally discuss all of this in another blog because it turned into her friends being quite the shit heads and me questioning a lot of things.

Finally we go out. It was all very fun. Rob and I got to dance. Wait. Rob got to dance and I got to step from side to side like a sober white girl who was very aware of all the better dancers around her. The night went well, I only got sat about Brandon once and that may or may not have involved me whining about whether he would ever know how much I love him as if I was drunk and not just high on energy shots. Everyone gets super duper drunk and we end up somewhere eating breakfast. We return home at 4AM and I got all sad that I was going to bed when my little boy was waking up.

Saturday came and we lazied around the house a lot. Finally about 3:00 we decided that we would go to the mall. We made it there and all the sudden I felt sick. We got through 3 stores very quickly and I realized I was going to vomit if we didn’t leave. The girls I was with were telling me just to puke in the fountain but I knew better. So we hauled ass home and I barely made it to the bathroom before getting sick. I had food poisoning AGAIN. So my Saturday turned to shit. My parents brought Brandon home around 7 that night and luckily he went right to bed because I was up every half hour getting sick.

Sunday comes around and Brandon starts puking. He is still puking today WEDNESDAY! Now he also has an added cough. So we have had a very very long weekend and needless to say that is why no posts from me. But I’m all full of them. Actually I had a ton of em built up in my head but have forgotten most all of them. I will try and put up some good stuff for ya’ll though.

So, I know I know, Amalah does her whole advice smackdown thingy about mostly beauty products and what not. However, lately I’ve had quite a few of my friends asking for advice about stuff. Since I feel like some times I’m repeating the advice I was thinking I could start a new, Relationship advice thing. You know something like, before you blow up at your boyfriend ask me first kinda thing. However, this would mean that your question would get published, anonymously (spell check had to tell me how to spell that) of course. Then other people can leave comments with their advice also. So what do you all think? Let me know if you are interested in doing this….That would mean all you lurkers would need to delurk so I wasn’t just taking questions from my 5 whole readers. I was going to include a poll thingy but I’m not smart enough to figure out how to do that so you can all just leave your thoughts about this via comments. K

So, when I moved out from my parents I didn’t really have much. We went and bought a lot right away, couches, tables, tvs and so on. We bought a box set of cheap pans and a george forman grill and a few odds and ends. One thing though that I never got was a rolling pin. I kept saying, this year this year I will get one. Nope never did. I was very clever with things I needed to roll out. I would use cans, or my hands, or pan bottoms or I would just throw it at the wall hard enough it would flatten out. Finally this Christmas Ging and I were gonna make cookies and such and I finally went and bought a fancy rolling pin. It is great, its pink and grey and smooth and non stick and all the fun things a rolling pin should be. I used it once and threw it in a cabinet. WELL! Saturday night I was tearing apart my whole house looking for my little pink nail kit that my son loves to run off with. I was in the kitchen opening drawers and I noticed this little drawer between my fridge and stove. I was flabbergasted. This drawer must have just appeared out of thin air. So I open it and no shit, there was a fancy red rolling pin, some pot holders and other random junk. I was so confused. I had to think really hard and then I realized way back last july in Vegas I had bought that rolling pin which means, I myself must have hid it in the previously non existent drawer. So I hold up my unused rolling pin and show Rob, he asks where I found it and I tell him the drawer by the stove. His response..

THERES A DRAWER BY THE STOVE.

Hmm, wonder what other stuff I may have lost in my own home in places I forgot about!

I’m in here talking to my mom. One of our coworkers just called and said shes packing her cabinets to move and she is totally grossed out by the stuff she is finding in there. Normal right? NO WAIT THIS GETS GOOD PEOPLE. So my mom responds, “Well, you would never see that in my cabinets, because you know I clean mine out every few months!” I’m already starting to giggle because I know what is coming next. Sure enough here it comes.

” You know, my grandma raised me and my mom the right way. Women are supposed to do spring and winter cleaning. You know every few months you should take down all of your curtains and wash them. You should scrub down all of your walls from head to toe. You need to clean out all of your cabinets and your refrigerators every few months. I mean really, you need to dust ever single shelf and wash every picture frame and so on. You know that china needs to be polished yearly and your silver right before Thanksgiving so when people come over you don’t serve them on unpolished silver.”

No really. She said this. I’m about to piss myself imagining me, and my friends who work full time, running home to wash and iron my curtains. HAAAAAAAA! I’ll just shoot em with some Febreeze that will do the trick.

Wash my curtains, now that is a good one. But, this is coming from the lady who thinks dressers, and washing machines and beds and couches should be moved monthly and vacuumed under. COME ON. I’ll vacuum that as soon as I know a very tiny person is coming over and they can actually see under my bed…..Don’t even get me started on the fact that this woman used to fold my underwear before they were allowed in my drawer. I’m not even going to tell you about how this woman cleans a bathroom. I mean really, cleaning the bathroom involves taking things off the wall, scrubbing towel racks, soaking shower heads…did I mention this is weekly.

This is the same lady who comes in your office every 10 mintues to straighten all the pens and papers on your desk. Just to fuck with her I turn it all a half inch when she leaves. It makes her insane. All of her paperclips face one way, along with everything on her desk. So I would always tell her to leave the mess on my desk alone and I even had a sign, DON’T MESS WITH MY MESS. And every night she would come in and tidy it and say she didn’t do it. So one day I cleaned off almost my entire desk. Then I took ONE pen and put it off to the side and I did it sorta crooked, then i put a blank sticky off to the other side, sorta crooked, and I left out two lone paper clips. She actually called me and said “I KNOW YOU ARE FUCKING WITH ME BUT I CAN’T LEAVE IT LIKE THIS”

No wait there is more. Every 3 months she would throw away the ENTIRE contents of her fridge and freezer because they were old and messy. Then, buy all new stuff.

Oh yeah, my mom gets hives when she comes to my house.

So, I’m at work and someone was talking about how at burning man you can’t have quads because they are four wheel drive. So I respond, well, if you have a three wheeler then isn’t it only three wheel drive ha ha ha.

Nope, no laugh nothing. I get this in response
“NO don’t you get it, no ATV’s at all”

WOW is this what the world has come to? People walking around so full of negative that they can’t even recognize a joke any more? I mean really people. Relax some. Good lordy. Shit. Stop and smell the fucking roses and TAKE A JOKE!

When I responded it was just a joke they said “I don’t have time for jokes”!!!!!!

WHO DOESN’T HAVE TIME FOR A JOKE? Okay people, if you are walking around today telling yourself you don’t have time for a joke, then you need a day off, or some chocolate, or some sex, or, some sex and chocolate.