Man. I don’t understand so much of the things I’ve been experiencing lately. As you all know I’ve been doing my diet thing and I’ve been using the help of a website called Sparkpeople.com. WELL! On this website there are message boards. And after months of avoiding them I decided to venture into them. It was like blogging and I got pretty hooked on it. Plus since I love to run my mouth it was a great place to go. Well. I started putting up these posts with helpful suggestions in response to peoples comments and all I got back was a bunch of negative.

For example. This person was talking about eating a bunch of junk and I was astonished at all the junk she had in her house, I’m talking kit kat, peanut butter cups, candy bars, and so on. So I said, maybe instead of having that kind of stuff, you could have a little snack bowl of healthy or premeasured snacks on your counter like I do. I WAS FLOODED WITH NEGATIVE RESPONSES. One person wrote back and said, NO, I CAN’T JUST HAVE A PORTION, ONE PORTION MAKES ME WANT MORE AND BLAH BLAH THEN I BINGE AND THAT IS AN AWFUL IDEA.

Here is an actual response I received

I was so appalled.

Then I posted something funny about Brandon feeding me Cheetos, and should I count the calories in the five he feeds me every day? Guess what response I got:
YOU SHOULD BANISH THINGS LIKE CHEETOS FROM YOUR HOUSE, YOUR CHILD IS GOING TO BECOME OBESE AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE SETTING TERRIBLE EXAMPLES HAVING FOOD LIKE THAT IN YOUR HOUSE!

HA, no really HA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME PEOPLE.

I had one hell of a response for those people. It went something like this.

Growing up my mom was very over weight. Rather then doing something about it, she closely monitored my weight. Also she was always doing some sort of crash diet. Seriously her freezer was always packed with Lean Cuisines and that was all she would eat for a whole day. There were liquid diets, Paid diets, diet pills, and so on. Even if my mom had never said a word about my weight watching her make hers such a big deal was enough to make me freak the fuck out about mine. A lot of people reading this actually know me. You know that in high school and my whole life I had never ever been bigger then a size 3. For someone being a size 3 and having their parent tell them they were gaining weight or getting fat because they weren’t a size 1 anymore really mind fucks a person. But I can’t blame my mom because her mom was that way with her. Its a chain. I don’t want to follow that chain. So I wrote about how, this time I’m not actually dieting I’m making a life style change. Because I want my kids to grow up and think eating healthy is normal and following portion size is normal. I wrote that, there is no way I would banish my sons favorite Cheeto’s. My mom did that to me. She banished all of the fun foods so I would binge like crazy when I was somewhere else. Seriously ask Katie about fat fast. When I was allowed to go to Katies house AKA land of the good food and toast…TOAST AS IN BREAD I would eat loaves of toast and we would make Fat fast shakes, which included ice cream, chocolate sauce, peanut butter, bananas, candy, sugar and anything else yummy. I would binge and binge and binge at her house and then hope and pray my mom wouldn’t find out. Who wants to live like that. So I wrote back to Mrs Cheeto hater that there was no way in hell I was going to get rid of all that food, and I”m sorry her son is now obese but that is her problem not mine. When Brandon feeds me Cheeto’s each morning I smile and I enjoy them. Once in a while, going and getting ice cream is a good idea. Having some chocolate together is fun. I need to make him understand that he doesn’t ever need to hide food from me. He just needs to balance bad with good. Which isn’t a problem considering I cook every night and every day and I make soups loaded with fresh veggies and healthy meals and stuff.

Basically I was flabergasted by these negative people. I reread the post from the lady who said she couldn’t just have a portion because then she would have to eat more and I had had it. I was fed up I wrote back and here was my exact post.

Okay so as Jen so graciously pointed out (thank you for worrying bout me, makes me feel special, and not short bus special, real special) my posts have had a sort of negative undertone to them lately. Oh shit, who am I kidding they have just been spewing woe is me and poor me and blubbering cry baby shit all over the place. However, Jen its not because I’m actually sad, its because NOW as these things happen to me, it seems so much easier to just blog about them and be done with it. You know I used to keep all of this stuff in, come home and dump it all on my husband. But then at the end of the day, since I didn’t “REALLY” talk about it, with a friend and the whole world, and anyone else who would listen, I find I’m still so upset about it. Soooo, I dump it all on YOU! You being all of my blogger buddies (all 8 of you now)! Now, at the end of the day, I get a couple reassuring responses, and a few, Hey Shannon you don’t suck as bad as you think, and even some, screw those people. That makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I can go ahead and let it go. Soooo, if I have to throw in a few, my son is making me insane, my mom is wearing me down, my husband is driving me bonkers, and the whole world is basically making me wanna have the meltyiest melt down ever known to man. Then you guys have to deal with it because it makes me feel better. Also, I try and add in as many super cuteolicious pictures of Brandon as I can to keep the humor alive.

And don’t worry I will still write funny stuff too, like how in the fuck is my new couch so covered in milk and Cheeto’s? Annnnd how on earth do you get milk out of a couch. I try washing it and it seems to just spread it around. So do I try to put it in the washer? Because my brand new couches already seem to be coming apart at the seems, will washing them in the machine just make them fall to pieces? Uggg, Milk. and leaky sippy cups. Darn it.

I shit you not, you all want to know why I’m so screwed up, here you go.

Things someone told me, and meant them.

• When I was nine months pregnant running to walmart at 7 at night….You better be careful someone might kidnap you and cut out your baby and leave you for dead. Thanks for that one.
• You better not leave your purse in the car, the whole world is fucked up so someone is going to steal it from you.
• You know Armageddon is coming soon so you are going to see your son die.
• Chocolate gives you pimples
• Nothing lasts forever so don’t get too attached to that husband of yours.
• Your young, if you get divorced everyone will just think its normal since getting married young is something stupid kids do and adults laugh at.
• Rub the Vicks on your sons back because it seeps in through his skin and thats how it works, NEVERMIND IT IS CALLED VAPOR RUB!
• Writing on yourself in class is slutty, BUT cutting the ass out of your jeans is totally normal.
• Its better to be a badass then to be liked.
• Even if you just got a 60.00 dinner free, you shouldn’t be happy because you could have gotten more.
• My New Years resolution is to take no shit from anyone thats why I can be a bitch.
• You fuck up everyones life you ever meet or get involved with (this was all brought on because I wouldn’t go ask Ben Affleck for his signature while he was eating, since I thought this was very rude, Your welcome Ben)
• You and your cousin are Cunts (this happened because we wanted to stop at garage sales before going to the company picnic)
• I wish I had killed myself instead of your dad, that way you would care about me like you care about him.
• Catholics are all fucked up, you shouldn’t believe in God.

I’m going to have to stop now before I get more mentally fucked up then I already am.

I’m having a day! That bad kinda day. The kind of day where if someone doesn’t stop me I’m going to jump off a cliff. Because, at the bottom of that cliff is chocolate, and chips, and salsa, and chocolate, and cookies, and pasta, and chocolate, and more chips, and bread, and sandwhiches, and Kit Kats, and Cheetos and crackers, and dip, and cream cheese and OOOOOO bagels, yeah, lots and lots of fluffy bagels with cream cheese, bagel shop cream cheese, not the cheap grocery store kind, but the creamy delicious bagel shop kind. I’m warning you all, I’ll jump. Really. And I’ll break my scale when I land!

So I’m at work. This lady calls to accept a bid. She tells me that two people are going to pay for it and neither are going to pay me at the time of work. So I begin to tell her that we need some form of payment or deposit. She responds with this:

WILL YOU JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND. YOU NEED TO BE QUIET AND LISTEN BEFORE YOU SPEAK, I HAVE STUFF TO SAY!

Hang on, give me a second to recover from the anger of reliving it.

Okay, took a few deep breaths. If I had chocolate I would be scarfing it down so fast you would just see a brown blur. Anyway Miss Holyier then now continued to speak to me as if I was a deaf Mexican kindergartener. No I’m not prejudice or anything, I just know from experience that a lot of dumb ass people think that if they speak louder and slower and LOUDER to non english speaking people they will somehow understand them better. I am always amused by this. This lady was speaking to me this way. As if speaking LOUDER and slowwwer was going to some how make her any less wrong and any less of a ho ass bitch.

Sorry, don’t like to name call anymore but that just ruffles my fucking feathers. Who the fuck did this lady think she was? Hmmmm? Can you tell me where people get off talking like complete assholes to customer service people.

I proceeded to tell her V E R Y C A L M L Y that it wasn’t necessary for her to speak to me like a child.

She responds, WELL IF YOU WOULD JUST BE QUITE AND LISTEN. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT I’M NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

OHMYFUCKINGGOSH I have never wanted to beat someones ass so bad. I had to put her on hold and walk away from it.

To make matters worse I was told by my boss, to be nice because we need her money.

FUCK HER. She talked to me this way for a full 15 minutes. In the end I was right she was wrong and she can kiss my ass!

Lesson of the day, when you call someone, any business, or customer service person, or secretary BE FUCKING NICE TO THEM! PLEASE. THEY DON’T NEED YOUR SHITTY ASS ATTITUDE. GOT IT?

NO REALLY! DO! YOU! UNDERSTAND!

Some thing have happened lately. Small things, but still, they are enough to make me realize that there are a few people in my life who are actually rooting for me to fail. All of the sudden last night everything became so clear. I realized that the few negative people I have left in my life are actually sitting there hoping, probably praying that I screw up motherhood, just so they can stand around and laugh, and then tell me how much better they would have done it, and list all of the things I do wrong. To be honost I think one of these people secretly keeps a list hidden somewhere of things I’ve done wrong as a mom, a big list, with bullets and sub sets and everything.

I don’t understand anymore. Okay that isn’t entirely true, because, I guess I have spent a few years of my life being like these people. I guess that was before I was enlightened or some equally dorky shit like that. I hate that I was this person. Now probably as karma I seem to be surrounded by those people.

You can tell these people a mile away. They are the ones always walking around telling you what you SHOULD DO! Then, shaking their heads as they walk away because you did what you wanted and not what they told you. You know, those people who think their way is the only right way, even if they have never taken a single piece of advice in their lives, because really they must KNOW EVERYTHING! It must be nice knowing everything. I can just imagine walking around and never wondering anything at all. What is the square root of 238948059243? I dunno but they do. Does 238948059243 even have a square root? Beats the shit out of me, but they know. Should I wear my hair up or down, is it okay if I wipe my ass back to front today, do you mind if I breath today, or do you know a better way of breathing. I mean really, something so simple I’m sure I’m somehow screwing up. Really, I was just sitting here wondering, hmmm how can I breath the right way. Before you know it, one of those people walks in and says, “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!”

It is making me crazy. It is hurting my heart seeing all of these people waiting for me to fail. It was like this in high school. I had a family member tell my cousin and I that if we could graduate with out getting knocked up she would give us $500.00. Everyone else in the family thought it was a great deal, but me, I WAS PISSED. You aren’t even giving me the chance to do the right thing, before you assume I’ll do the wrong one.

You would be amazed at the things I do wrong, or have done wrong. Keep in mind none of these came from my husband.

• I don’t vacuum right. I didn’t know there was a right or wrong way to vacuum. Actually what was said is that I vacuum very very well, however, I didn’t vacuum in the order this person would have liked. In fact a major fight broke out because I chose to vacuum the right side of the couch before the left.
• I don’t sweep right. I like to hold the broom with my left hand on top and right hand on the bottom. This apparently IS VERY WRONG! Someone told me how I could do it better. (I’ll stop typing now while you go pick up a broom, go ahead I know you are dying to see if you hold a broom the right or wrong way…go ahead, I’ll wait.)
• I don’t mop right. Okay, wait, what was actually said is I don’t use the right mop. I don’t like those weird stringy mops that hold a shit load of germs and basically just swirl germs all over your kitchen floor. However, someone told me what mop would do it better then my super awesome swiffer that holds no previous yuckies in it.
• I don’t do dishes right. I prefer to use a scrubby brush not a nasty germ infested sponge. I like to let the water run while I do dishes so they are all clean and not sitting in nasty ass dirty water.
• I don’t parent right. Every single thing I am doing is wrong. Even if that person did the same thing yesterday, or even five minutes ago, now its wrong BECAUSE IT IS ME DOING IT. Every thing is going to cause my son to grow up and be an awful little boy and he is going to hate me for parenting so bad.
• I want to believe in God. Yes, seriously. Someone has actually recently had the nerve to criticize me because I want to learn about prayer and believe in God and stuff like that. Even more so, I was criticized for wanting to have my son baptized….o wait, did I forget to mention, I was baptized. Yes I can see how I’m just doing this all wrong.
• I was criticized for saying bless you to someone. Now, even though I have not always believed in God or religion, one thing about me is that I always took comfort knowing other people did, and knowing that if it made them happy to pray for me or bless me, then it made me happy. And, if God turned out to be real in the end, it couldn’t hurt to have a few prayers tossed my way. So, even though I felt this way, before I figured out my thoughts on God, apparently others don’t and they have the nerve to get mad when I say bless you. My bad, I guess I hope the devil does get your soul while you are sneezing.
• I don’t do my job right. Even though its been done this way for years, and its right, today its wrong because you don’t understand it.

Have you ever noticed how if someone doesn’t understand something then it suddenly becomes wrong? I don’t understand math so you must be wrong. I don’t understand religion so you must be wrong. Also, if you don’t agree with someone then you are wrong. I choose to believe in God, that is wrong, you should only choose to believe in a higher spirit. I choose to believe in good in people, that is wrong and your purse is going to get stolen because you are stupid and Naive.

And also, while I’m on my soap box. Why do people feel the need to tell you to shut up? It is the rudest thing ever to say to a person. EVER! Also please stop saying it around my son, because I don’t want him growing up and disrespecting people like you do. YOU know who you are!

A while ago Emery posted this blog. The blog itself isn’t the important part, the important part is in the comments. So last night Emery, Brandon hadn’t napped all day so he was being a huge grump. He finally passed out at around 4 and then woke back up at 6 right when we wanted him to be actually going to sleep. I tried to get him to eat some dinner and let me tell you about the insane fight we had. I put him in his chair and he started doing that thing where he arches his body to try and get out. Then he went into ugly cry. He started flailing his arms about like a crazy man. To tell you the truth I had to laugh at him because he was being so irrational about his high chair. Finally I thought hmmmmmm, maybe if I give him a bath he will settle down and eat. Soo I get him in the bath and he is having this great ole time. He was having a regular splash fest in there. Then it dawns on me. HEY! LIGHTBULB! I’ll feed him in here. So I have Rob bring in his Spagehttios and I offer a bite. He opened his mouth right up and ate those Spaghettios like they were the best ones ever. Bite after bite after bite, I got my kid to eat by feeding him in the tub. After it happened. All I could do was think of you and the comments on your page! Ha ha ha.

So I have found the downside to my brand new fangled Philosophy facial products. I am a picker. I pick everything. My most favorite thing to pick is my face followed closely by my feet, hands, chest, legs, back, ears, toes and basically anything covered in skin. Now I’m stuck. This stupid Philosophy face wash is doing so damn good that I haven’t got shit to pick at on my face. I run up to the mirror every five minutes HOPING that there will be something. But I’ve got nothing. No juicy pimples to pop or poke at, no black heads to squish no spots to prod, NOTHING. I’ve got nothing. I’ve taken to squishing things on my back that I can’t see, which means all I’m really doing is making spots where there was nothing to begin with. FUCKING FACE WASH AND GLOWING SKIN!

I thought, after my previous post where I discussed my dyslexia I would share with you, how truly odd I am.

• I mix up numbers and letters often. I relate the sound of the number to what I write. For instance, 90% of the time when I write the number 5 as in 5 not five, I will actually write “F” Because 5 starts with F. I do this often with 9 also. I write “N” I’m strange.
• I screw up numbers bad from memory. For instance, this is how I thought I didn’t lose any weight. Okay get ready because I’m actually going to admit what I weigh and you can do the math and find out what a phatso I was when I started this diet. Anyhoo. On February 15th when I weighed in I was 166.6 This meant that I had lost 14 pounds. K got it so far. Now, since I had the 14 in my head this is how the big screw up happened. When I weighed in on March 1st I weighed 164.4. Now, since I was remembering 14 which has a 4 in it, I saw the 164 and thought it was the same number as before. It took me 4 days to figure out that I was remembering all the wrong numbers. Well, since I thought I hadn’t lost but hadn’t gained, I decided to eat a little junk. Just to double check that I really had seen 164 on the scale I got back on. I was 165. Which means all my bread eating caught me and I gained back a pound. Sooo my weight loss to date is 15 pounds.

Okay so really those are the only two that pop into my mind at the moment. But take my word for it, I’m a little odd.