Gingers blog cracks me up. She is so funny living her single life in her own place. It has made me think back to when I first moved out. If only I had a blog then. You guys would be laughing your asses off all the time. Here are a few of my favorite memories.

• The first one was a day or two after I moved in. When I moved in here is what I came with. A vacuum. A bed. A George Forman grill. A 13 inch TV. A phone and a computer. So the second morning I woke up after a party and I was hungry. I called my cousin who lived very close and told her to bring me some breakfast stuff. She brought me two eggs in a zip lock bag and two pieces of bread. I wasn’t sure what to do at first and then I decided to just crack my eggs on my George Forman grill. They ran all over the place but evenutally cooked, looking like something that would come out of a crimping iron. I proceeded to put my bread in, causing it to also be crimped but also as flat as cardboard. I slapped my eggs on my bread and ate. It was delicious and I didn’t have a single dish!
• There was the time I backed out of my garage with the garage door closed.
• The time my cousin, her husband and I discovered the formal name of my carpet was mudslide (this came after I dumped an entire glass of that frozen mudslide stuff on my carpet hours before the party really started.)
• The time I decided to throw a part two nights after moving in, with NO FURNITURE AT ALL. So my guy friends took off to all the local stores and came back with about 50 crates. They built me a crate TV stand, a crate couch, a crate coffee table, a crate kitchen table, some crate chairs out back for smoking, and some crate lounge chairs in my living room. That was awesome.
• At that same party I lost my kitten. I had locked him in the guest room so he wouldn’t get out and later I could not find him anywhere. The guys at the party were running around looking in mailboxes and generally scaring the shit out of me. Later after breaking into my guest room I found my kitten stuffed in the bottom drawer. He must have climbed in to nap and I must have closed the drawer on him. I’m awesome
• There was the time Shanna and I thought we were ravers so we put on our bathing suits, some Alice DJ and then took neon colored scrapbook paper and taped it all over my walls and then plugged in about 10 black lights. We then proceeded to dance and jump around like we were the most BOMB ravers ever. Oh yeah, she had this idea that ravers needed things in their hands to twirl, so she filled my socks with makeup and ran around my house twirling my socks.
• There was the time that Katie called and I didn’t feel like answering and then I looked up and saw her staring at me through my porch window shaking her head.
• There was the time I drug Ginger and April to bed bath and beyond in the middle of the night to buy an expresso machine and then the next morning when I tried to use it I shot milk out the foamer all the way to my ceilinig and walls and across the street.
• Then there was the night April came over and we made dinner for these guys. Then we got drunk and decorated my Christmas tree. This somehow turned into a popcorn fight. It was that popcorn in the big tub you know, that three different flavor Christmas kind. The next day we were pretty sad when we discovered caramel popcorn melts into carpet. In fact when I moved there was still caramel popcorn stuck by my door.
• There was the time my ex moved out and his phone bill came to my house so Shanna and I got really drunk and she called every number on there and said she was engaged to him and he was cheating on them…that was a blast.
• The time we did the shot a minute thing for Katies birthday. I was smart and did shots of Jack Daniels coolers. In the end when my cousin came to get us to take us somewhere, she found us dancing on my kitchen table probably again in bathing suits.
• There was the time friend Mikey and his friend came over. I couldn’t keep up with their drinking so I went to bed. Next thing I know Mikey is in my room with a JUMBO bottle of that Fridays premixed margarita stuff that was red. He wakes me up proudly proclaiming LOOK SHANNON I DRANK THE WHOLE THING. He climbs in bed with me and minutes later I wake up to him puking on my back and allllll over my feather comforter. I throw his ass in the shower where he proceeds to pass out with his head on the shower floor and his ass two feet up in the air. I go in the living room and find his friend passed out sitting up in front of the couch waking up every few seconds trying to order porn on pay perview. I had passworded it so he would wake up every couple seconds and push in 4 new numbers trying to see his porn.
• There was the time I sat out front watching the people across the street bbq and mentioned how good it smelled. Next thing I know their son shows up on my doorstep with a giant chicken breast and I felt like such an ass telling them I was a vegetarian and sending them back to their house with their sorry piece of chicken on the pretty plate…I felt guilty for years thinking I should have just taken it and fed it to my cat and dog.
• There was the time the neighbor boy who was in 8th grade developed a huge crush on me and sat on my porch telling me how next year he was totally going to be in high school and then we could so hook up.
• There was the time I had my cousins bachelorette party and I taped up paper penises allll over my walls to play pin the macho on the man. Sadly I had paper penis’s taped to my wall for a few months. Also, I had left over play dough penis’s from the who can make the best penis competition. I also had penis ice trays, penis toothpicks, penis straws and penis wrapping paper, oh yeah and a giant blow up man with duct tape over his crotch from the place where my cat bit a whole in him. People thought I was a pervert every time they grabbed a toothpick with a tiny penis on it.
• There was the time Shanna and I got drunk and spray painted our hair in my garage and then danced around like assholes in there.
• There was the time, I started experimenting with doing coke, and a friend of ours came over and he wanted to do a nummer (this is where you rub coke on your gums and it numbs it like orajel, he did not know this) the next thing you know he starts grabbing his arms and says I CAN FEEL IT WORKING, MY WHOLE BODY IS GOING NUMB. We nearly pissed ourselves as we explained what a nummer really was and that he was a complete ass.

I’m sure there are a ton more memories, I have the scrapbooks to prove it, these are just some of my favorites.

I was reading this blog by Ginger. I thought about it for a minute and realized I USED TO BE THAT GIRL….you know way back in high school when I was in a high school relationship. To recap Gingers blog is about how friends who are in relationships tend to treat their friends like fancy jewelry who only get used on special occasions, when they aren’t busy with their significant other.

Her blog really got me thinking. Although a huge part of this is the girls fault, a big part of it falls on the guy you choose to spend your time with. A lot of guys are content letting you be their beck and call girl, or watching you follow them around like a puppy. A lot of guys are content dragging you around behind them and only calling on you when they really need you. It is because of this that a lot of girls who are eager to be part of their mans life will start to adopt the guys friends as their friends, and the guys hobbies as their hobbies. It isn’t until their guy says YOUR NOT INVITED that they call on their forgotten friends to spend time with.

My husband is not that guy. He’s never been the type to want a girl following him around or totally involved in every single thing he does. I’m the same way though. I like to scrapbook with out him. I love to go have a good meal with out him. I like to go dick around at the mall with out him and so on. These are the times I call my friends. When I have a craving for food I call Ginger and we ditch Rob and go eat. This is totally okay because Rob is also one of those guys who knows how to use a pot and pan and even a knife. My husband can cook food, and acutally enjoys cooking so he doesn’t complain at all. When I want to go play at a store I call any one of my friends, usually Lisa and I leave Rob at home. Rob jumps for joy because he hates being dragged around stores (unless its a sports store, which I soooo won’t go to). When this happens Robs all “thank you (insert friends name here) for getting me out of going to the store/mall with her!”

On the flip side Rob goes a ton of places I don’t go. Not because I’m not invited, because I am always welcome, but because I don’t feel like following him every damn place he goes. Example. On Cinco De Mayo we will all go down town for some tacos (me corn on the cob) and party. After he asked me to go with him to a friends house to watch something. I said, nope. You can totally go but it doesn’t sound fun at all. So many girls would go because they feel they have to be attached at the hip, and so many girls would go because their guy would make them feel like shit if they didn’t continue following them around like a puppy. Rob often goes to Bulleys for beer and sports games. I AM ALWAYS INVITED. I go maybe one out of every 4 times. Usually the only time I come is when I’m having a serious craving for Bulleys ranch. But I realize, like I have always said, COUPLE NEED TIME APART. You have to take time apart to spend with the other people in your life. It is a necessity. If you don’t, then years down the road, when you need a friend and they are all long gone you will sit back resenting your guy for letting you make your entire life revolve around them. Like my grandma always says HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU NEVER LEAVE!!!!

The funniest part about those friends (you know the ones who only come hang out with you when their guy states that they are uninvited to where ever they are going or when their guy is out of town) is that they really don’t think we notice when they do this. Its like we can’t tell they are throwing us a bone and saying okay here is my once a month effort to hang out with you so you know we are still friends. They don’t think we can tell it feels totally forced and that if their guy called they would drop us in a second. Also, it doesn’t count as hanging out when you spend 2 out of the 3 hours we are together texting or calling your guy. When you do that we still feel like we are alone dumbass.

Like I was saying, a lot of this comes down to the guy. A few years ago I was going through some kind of pitty part where I was totally fine only being with Rob. He wasn’t okay with this. he would still go do his thing and he would say, babe call a friend. He didn’t just let me become one of those high school girls, he pushed me to keep my friends in my life. He also makes an effort to give my friends and I our space. If my friends come over he jumps at the chance to go play video games and he leaves us to gossip and talk with out my friend feeling like I’m not really hanging out with her. Also, Rob and I arean’t one of those annoying couples in public who are all kiss kiss, mush mush if you hang out with us you will feel left out. In fact we are the opposite. Most of the time we are out with friends is spent with Rob and my friend ganging up on me and telling me how dorky I am. All of my friends feel included and actually enjoy spending time with me and Rob. I have often had to hang out with friends and their guy where they spend the whole time sitting in each others lap kissing and being stupid. They make you feel worse then if you didn’t even come.

So Ging, even though I’m not single I can still totally relate to what you are saying. Thats why you and I have to stick together. That is probably why you are the one who gets bothered to go eat with me the most, because I know you won’t have to check with anyone before you go with me.

So Mae says I should take precautions. Lemme tell you about my precautions. I have a super duper alarm system. Every window and door in my house is alarmed. I have a panic button, motion sensors and so on. Even the man door in my garage is alarmed. If a door to my house opens even if the alarm ins’t set, it beeps. The only things in my house that are not alarmed are my screen door (which is getting fixed soon since my son knows how to open it), my attic and my crawl space. Okay are you ready. I am actually terrified someone will come into my house through the attic and/or crawl space. When my husband asks me how exactly they will get in there, I look at him like he’s an idiot and say, dead seriously, “Well duh Rob, when we are at work they will just cut a small hole in that side of our house over there and crawl right under!” I am 100% serious as I say this. I have inquired about alarming my crawl and attic space. I was laughed at.

But wait theres more. I won’t flush a toilet at night. I don’t know why, I think somehow I’m afraid it will let the kidnappers know I’m awake and they will come get me. Also the closet doors all have to be shut or I freak out. I can’t see the closet door from my bed but if I get up for a drink or to go pee and notice it is open, even two inches, I lose my shit. WHY? Because 2 inches is the perfect amount for a killer to be peaking out. Did I also mention we have no fewer then five guns in our house (we have a permit) and I live next door to a cop, across from a military guy and a few houses away from a US marshal! None of this comforts me. I figure the burglar will do his research and come after me because our house is the non police/military house!

This is why Brandon sleeps with me. When he was a newborn Rob used to work nights. I realized that I was too afraid to even go to Brandons room (which at the time the door to his room was less then a foot from mint) because I was afraid of being killed. So I moved all his changing stuff to the foot of my bed. This is when I realized I was not going to ever be able to let him sleep in his room because that is just like leaving a big red juicy target for killers. So you ask, “hey Shannon, you are going to have another kid, what will you do with this one?” I have nooooo fucking clue people. I am starting to think i will have two kids in my bed. Then you say all cocky and matter o factly, “well Shannon, what did you do before Rob lived with you?” Well duh, I was a drunk insomniac. I barely slept I would sit up all night watching Food Network, then when it went to infomercials I would go online and chat with my friends on AOL. When I noticed I was getting too tired after a few nights of this I would take some Nyquil, an Ambian and a shot of Jaeger and count on my guard dog to wake me up if someone came near my house (which he totally rocked at).

So there. I’m crazier then you thought. What have you got for me now? I’ll tell you why I’m crazier and crazier.

Have you ever sat at home thinking to yourself, “gee I wish I could be normal?” I don’t usually. However, Monday night I found myself in bed actually crying and wishing I could be normal. There are so many things about me that drive me nuts. Things that I imagine make me hard to live with. Things that make me realize my husband is more then a saint for tolerating my sorry ass. Here are a few of them.

• I am afraid of the dark. This seems normal enough right? Wrong. Because of this, I can not sleep now unless my husband is in bed with me. Reason one, someone could kill me and my son (who sleeps in my bed). Reason two, unless I face Brandon there is a chance he could roll of the bed or he could be kidnapped while my back was turned, because really you never know who is hiding in the closet. Because I’m pregnant it hurts to sleep facing Brandon so instead I lay awake until Rob comes to bed. This means, if he doesn’t come into bed when I’m tired I become so cranky I start yelling at him or pick a huge fight. It drives him nuts because he likes to stay up after his soft ball games or go out on weekends. When he goes out, I lay in bed cranky till he comes home. Once it gets close to two he starts getting awful text messages. Imagine how tired I am when he goes over night to Atwater.
• I have a little crazy in me. This means I can get mad at the drop of a hat. It also means that some times I find parenting to be impossible and I take it out on Rob for not helping enough. Then when he tries to help I scream at him taht he isn’t doing it my way!
• For some reason since having a kid, I feel like I do nothing. I don’t have any energy. I don’t care about cleaning or doing chores. I huff and puff when I do them. This sucks because I know I should want to be that good wife who gets off on dusting and traipsing around to clean.
• Again with the crazy. I get so angry I sometimes don’t know why I’m mad, then I cry, then I laugh, then I get all lovey dovey. I often change moods within a matter of seconds. In the morning you never know which Shannon you are waking up to. I know I probably should take medicine but I refuse.
• I know I could get some sort of help for my fear of dark and being killed and what not. However I’m more afraid that if I get help then something will happen. If I finally let my guard down, that is the moment someone will get me. If I finally let my son sleep in his room that is the second someone will decide to break in and kill him or steal him. If I actually go to sleep while he is sleeping without Rob, he will roll of and break his neck or he will choke or stop breathing.

These are just a few of my crazys, there are so many more but these are the ones that jump out at me. Basically I am starting to get on my own nerves because I realize how hard I must be to live with. I just don’t know what to do….Sigh.

I’m sitting here reading Gingers blog, and Stephs blog and everyones blog and the noticable theme is wine. So I think to myself, why not grab a lovely glass of wine. Oh no you have some amaretto. Oh wait you don’t drink. Well, maybe since you haven’t drank in almost a year it would be okay if you just drank a little. OH WAIT DUMBASS YOUR PREGNANT….Wow seriously I really honestly forgot I was pregnant and was about to have some wine. I’m so smart!

Recently Ginger and I seem to be having a little competition to see who can cut their hands up worse doing stupid ass things. First, I cut my hand trying to pry a piece of my vacuum together with a screwdriver…flathead, slips gouges other hand, peels off a few layers of skin. This was followed by Ginger slicing herself trying to get something out of a pan, I think rice crispy treats or brownies, or basically some sort of desert. Then I was just being stupid with my knife and I sliced my thumb. It was a very small slice, so small in fact that it was annoying like a paper cut. Ginger then cut herself I can’t remember how. Then I scraped the front of my finger. A few days ago Ginger just plain tried to slice her hand off to the point where she was afraid to look down but somehow only managed to barely peel the first layer of skin off. I’ve got her beat tonight. I was cutting an avocado in half with a steak knife, no problem there. It was when I tried to whack the steak knife into the avocado to get the pit out that I had an issue. The knife went right passed the pit, through the avocado and through my hand, right where I had just cut it with the screw driver. Okay Ging, your turn.

So I’m chatting with Jen just now about baby things. All the sudden it hits me. The funniest memory. I go to pick up Brandon one night from my parents. I ring the door bell and there is a lot of shuffling going on. Finally they answer and they look guilty and suspicious. I ask whats up and they say NOTHING! To tired to argue, I pack up my kid and his pack and play bassinet and we leave. A few days later my cousin is yahooing me and is like ha ha I can’t believe your mom put her vibrator in Brandons bassinet.

STOP
WHAT NOW??
HOWS THAT?

This is what happened next…

MOOOOOOOOOOM GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW (we are at work). Mom comes in.

Mom, did you put your vibrator in Brandon’s bassinet? (Mom turns red)

Mommmmmmmm are you kidding me?

Mom replies, “well I put it in a pillow case so I didn’t think there was a problem”!

Umm OMG. I don’t know what bothered me more, the fact that my mom put a vibrator in his bassinet or the fact that my mom had a vibrator…Shudder.

That is what I get for not making sure my travel bassinet had a vibrating function like the one I had at work!

So I’m sitting at work at 9:54 AM enjoying some extremely healthy Laffy Taffy. I have seen this joke on them about 10 times and still don’t’ get it, so I’m reaching out for help, please someone explain how this is supposed to make sense.

Q: What garden has the most vegetables?

A: A flash garden??????

WHAT THE FUCK!

Okay people, here are the few responses I got….I want more, because so far nothing entirely jumps out besides Christys “how do I get the noodles mishap”…..

~~JarretNJulia~~ said…

Hmmm, okay you already know about one of my most recent dumbass moments when I burned my finger/hand.

pregnancy dementia?????

I was just cooking dinner and my husband was in the kitchen with me and we were talking. So far so good. I just pulled the pasta off the hot ass plate and kept on talking and then tried folding some aluminum foil that I put on the stove forgetting that that right front plate was still scolding ass HOT and I TOUCHED IT. It burned my middle finger really bad and it hurts like shit. Sorry for the cussing but I am mad at myself and in pain. This sucks. How could I forget that I just used that side of the stove??????
OUCH 😦

10:37 AM

Christy said…

I wrote a whole post about my dumb ass.

I gots me some smarts

When Porgie settled down to take her first nap this morning, I started working on a wonderful post for you. It was witty and smart, with lots of adorable baby pictures. But you will never see that post. After working on it for about 45 minutes, I accidentally deleted it. I am a jackass.

I seem to be doing a lot of stupid things lately. So, I’ll share some of my stupidity with you.

1. After writing a new blog post, I proofread my writing three times before I click the publish button. However, I always see a mistake as soon as I view my blog. Then I have to go back and edit the post again. If you see a typo, just know that I proofread 268 times, but I just didn’t see that stupid ass mistake. Sorry.

2. The other night I was making spaghetti. Keep in mind that I never cook. When the pasta was ready (but still boiling in water), I asked John how I should scoop out the noodles. He looked at me like I had three heads and told me to go get the strainer. So that is what that bowl with holes in it is for. WOW, I am losing my freaking mind! LOOKING LIKE THE WINNER SO FAR, BECAUSE IT IS JUST PLAIN HILARIOUS!

3. This one happened awhile ago, but it is so ridiculous that I have to share it with you. John and I were at our insurance agent’s office. Somehow, we started talking about college. I was telling our agent about an intersession class I had taken. Suddenly, John busted out laughing. Apparently, instead of calling it an intersession class, I called it an intercourse class. What the hell is wrong with me?

4. The other night, I was getting ready to go to bed. I turned out all of the lights and headed toward the bedroom. I thought I was walking into my room, but instead I slammed right into the door. That one really hurt.

5. This one really shows my stupidity. Last night Porgie slept through the night again. I woke up at 5:50 and started worrying about her. I could not go back to sleep until I checked on her. So, I tiptoed into her room and peered into the crib. She was sleeping peacefully. I turned around to leave and ran into her book stand. I woke her up.

1:55 PM

Lindz said…

I really need to think about this one but I promise it will be a doozey (and I’m NOT pregnant) I’m just a dumbass by nature… ask Jen.

4:08 PM

Cheatwoods said…

When i was preg w/ Z someone in a small group introduced themselves and said “hi, im Jessica.” I just staired at her and smiled, I realized I wasnt the one who just said that she was! sounds wierd right! Well it was the exact same thing I was going to say so in my head I had said it because I herd it! LOL. that was pretty stupid!

4:11 PM

Jeninacide said…

Ok, so yesterday my roommate sent me an e-mail that said “I’m sorry I haven’t mopped the kitchen in a while! Sorry! I will do it tonight.” I was like: Yeah, ok whatever and ignored her e-mail and ended up going to bed before she got home from work last night.

So today I am talking to Erick and I’m like “Keturah sent me an email yesterday saying she was going to mop the floor, and I ignored it, rightfully so I guess.” – Thinking that she had not mopped.

Erick was like “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? DID YOU NOT SEEEE THE KITCHEN THIS MORNING? You practically TRIPPED over the mop and bucket on your way in!”

I was like “Oh. Nope! Didn’t notice! WHOOPS!”

Glad I didn’t say anything to Keturah about it!

6:01 PM

Ginger said…

I actually got all the way to work one day and I still had my slippers on. I was all dressed nice, with slacks and a nice sweater, my hair done, etc. and I go to get out of the car at work and realized I had my cool slipper boots with pink flames on the side on!

Almost as good as the time in high school (I think) that Katie got in the shower with her pj’s on.

Now, I did come across this other hilarious post, only I have no clue where or when I read it. It was something about a lady trying to microwave her food in the breadbox, and then when it didn’t ding she figured she was just being dumb and forgot to start it so she stared at the bread box searching for the microwave buttons…I really liked this one, it sounds like me. Only I can’t find the post again, so this person doesn’t get entered. This is your last chance to submit a moment before I choose March’s winner.