One day I was whining about shaving my legs. Swistle told me that when she was pregnant she shaved one leg a day. Therefor I am now instituting the modified Swistle rule in my shower.

I will shave no legs every day!

Works right. It is winter so no one sees my legs. I’m not getting any so no one to rub up against. Sounds to me like the new modified Swistle is the very best idea ever!

I just noticed Patty tagged me for a meme… so here goes

1. How do you like your eggs? Hardboiled…in egg salad or deviled eggs extra mayo please

2. How do you take your coffee/tea? umm at starbucks sugar free vanilla latte, at home, hawaiian flavored coffess with vanilla or amaretto creamer..tea with splenda

3. Favorite breakfast food: bagel and cream cheese, lots and lots of cream cheese but only from a bagel shop

4. Peanut butter – smooth or crunchy? smooooooooooooth

5. What kind of dressing on your salad? ranch..but i only like restaurant ranch

6. Coke or Pepsi? Diet pepsi

7. You’re feeling lazy, what do you make? sandwich or caprese pizza

8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? thin crust extra cheese

9. You feel like cooking. What do you make? so much…everything

10. Do any foods bring back good memories? tomato soup and grilled cheese remind me of being sick when i was little

11. Do any foods bring back bad memories? no not really…well the time i saw tripe in the store and almost threw up

12. Do any foods remind you of someone? ummm i associate a lot of my life with food so everyone has a food

13. Is there a food you refuse to eat? all fish, tripe, brain, goat, bleu cheese

14. What was your favorite food as a child? my grandmas french toast!

15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like? hmmmm i used to hate stuff on my burger but now love it…ie veggies or ketchup my burger and sammies were mayo and cheese only

16. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate? cottage cheese ewwww barforama

17. Favorite fruit and vegetable: artichokes mmmm watermelon

18. Favorite junk food: candy, fries

19. Favorite between meal snack: ummm nachos…yes id like some now please

20. Do you have any weird food habits? hmm lets see cream cheese and salsa mixed for tortilla chips. ranch on spaghetti,

21. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? almonds, yogurt, sugar free pudding

22. You’re off your diet. Now what would you like? bagel…candy

23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai? i order no spicy im a super wuss

24. Can I get you a drink? ice tea…i quit drinking a year and a half ago

25. Red or White Wine? arbor mist when i drank

26. Favorite dessert? chocolate dipped in chocolate covered in chocolate

27. The perfect nightcap? hmmmmm ice cream or cookies n milk or …..

Okay email. Lets get something straight. I am trying to save money! And when I do spend my money lately I like to spend it on kid stuff. So all of these emails you are sending me NEED TO STOP! Do you hear me…STOP SENDING ME YOUR SHIT!

Things that I really don’t need in my inbox anymore!

1. Coach NEW FALL/SUMMER/SPRING/WINTER Collections. Stop stop stop stop you know I am weak and can’t turn away.
2. Williams Sonoma! Dammit. You know your store is like crack to me. Emailing me is like sending me a picture of a giant line of crank. Not to mention all your gooey treats don’t help my waist line. And for fucks sake my kitchen cabinets can not hold another shiny new Les Creuset pot!
3. Pottery Barn. I know my house is decorated cute. I realize that because of this all the items in your catalog are just dying to be part of my home. But really I have no more space for your fancy awesome trinkets. I know you claim they will organize my life but when I look at them I just see more things for a two year old to disorganize.

And yes I realize that I could take myself of your mailing list. But that would be like removing myself from the chocolate of the month club!

Last weekend was my baby shower. My friends sent out invites very very far in advance. They also asked for RSVP’s. My step grandma Susie RSVP’d which I was shocked about because Susie doesn’t RSVP ever.

Let me tell you about Susie. She has a habit of calling somewhere between 20 minutes before the event starts and 20 minutes after to tell you her plans. This means she will either call and say oh I’m sick I won’t be there OR I’m coming right now wait for me. The other thing that she does is call you 20 minutes after the event starts to say that not only is she coming but she is bringing this relative who just happens to be in town and they have to go shopping. In the past there was nothing we could do about this since she was already on her way. She does this because she doesn’t like to be alone in rooms with my mom, me and my grandma being the other woman who stole my grandpa 20 something years ago. Even though we all moved on from that, clearly she hasn’t.

This time however she slipped up. The day before my shower I received this email:

I need directions to your house on Saturday, I’m bringing my sister Patty with me so I can take her shopping before the shower and after. I hope that not an imposition. Let me know if that’s a problem.

I was baffled. I sat there for a while wondering what to do. You see, all of Susies sisters are very old. The particular sister she was referring to, is dying and lives in a rest home. I have never met her. At Brandons baby shower Susie showed up with her 40 year old niece (her sisters are very old) and for the rest of my life I’m stuck with these beautiful pictures of my baby shower with this lady I’ve never met in them. It was an awkward situation at the shower trying to include this woman I had never met. We hadn’t made enough supplies for her and had to make extra and I was upset when she almost won a game because I would have rather had one of my friends or family win. When I received the above email I was in shock because she was actually giving me a choice. I called every person I knew and told them I did not want her old, decrepit sister that I had never met there. I asked if this was right. Everyone told me that it was first off rude of her to inform us the day before that she was bringing an extra person, and even more rude to just assume it was okay. After much thought and checking and reassurance I sent her the following email:

Directions to my house are…
As far as bringing your sister, I am trying to make this a very small intimate affair and would really like it to only be people I know and am close to this time. I hope this won’t be a problem like I said I just really want it to be a very personal intimate gathering this time. I look forward to seeing you, remember it is at 11. Call me if you get lost on my home number…

I heard no response. I assumed that since she had clearly asked me if this was okay that she wouldn’t be mad that I said no. The following day at the shower I received a phone call from her two hours after it started. She was very short and very rude and informed me that she was across town and wasn’t willing to take her sister back to the rest home just to come to my shower. She would get the baby a savings bond after he was born and hung up. First of all I couldn’t get over how short she was. Second I was offended that she was now choosing not to get the baby a gift. Not because I’m greedy or something. She always buys presents from random stores with lots of random clothes in different sizes that turn out to be more of a hassle then if she would have just purchased off the registry. For example she will buy you an outfit that clearly goes together and the pants will be 12 months the shirt newborn and the jacket 6 months. In the end you have to figure out where she got it from and return it for correct sizes or break up the outfit. So this clearly isn’t about me wanting the present. Instead I felt more like she was taking her anger towards me out on my baby. Like oh your mom is a bitch so now no present for you.

Here is my new problem. Tomorrow my cousin Lisa’s daughter is getting baptized. So clearly my grandpa and Susie will be there. While I know I can act like an adult I’m not sure they can. At the after party I am fully prepared for them to go out of their way to make sure I know they are ignoring me. My grandpa has called my office at least twice a week every week while I’ve been pregnant and even stopped by to see me. Since the shower we have not heard a single word from him. He has clearly now chosen his wifes side and thinks I was rude to tell her no. Something else about my family is that they love confrontation. There is no doubt in my mind that at the after party my grandpa will confront me or my mom or someone about how rude I was to his wife.

So what do I do? Do I apologize? Do I very pointedly tell him his wifes etiquette has a lot to be desired and that her behavior in the whole situation was wrong? Do I inform him that just inviting uninvited guests to a party is wrong? What exactly do I do? To add to the frustration, Codi’s middle name is my grandpas name. I am the only grand child or family member to think to do that and he was so happy about it. Now I feel like this could cause such conflict in the long run that my grandpa won’t even show up at the birth. I know some of you are saying, come on this man can’t really behave this way, but he can, he has and he does. He is Basque, he has a temper and when he and his wife don’t get their way shit hits the fan for at least 15 years to follow. Just ask my cousin who didn’t offer to pay him back for her schooling when she was 12. She still hears about it.

So. What do I do? And if by some miracle they just choose to ignore me, do I ever say anything about it at a later time or just let him not show up to his grandsons birth because he is angry at me?

Sigh!

I was in the bath today and came up with my own clever little you know your a mom when diddy.

You know your a mom WHO NURSED when you lay flat on your back and you boobs slide off each side of your body making you totally flat chested. In fact your so flat chested you might resemble a boy, if it wasn’t for your nipples that are now sagging so far down they are tucked under your armpits.

That is how you know your a mom who nursed!