Month: January 2008

The store = A fat girls Heaven or A dieters hell

You know how they always say, never go to the store hungry? Well don’t you know that you don’t have to be hungry to take, “just a bite.” As you all know I’m on a diet. I hate dieting. I hated it even more yesterday. You see I had to go to the grocery store. I had a nice healthy list full of good intentions. Then I walk in and come face to face with one hell of a Valentines Day display. Motherfucker! This will now be the 5th Valentines day that I will be on some kind of diet. One year, I wasn’t even on an actual diet but I had just had surgery and couldn’t eat. So I spent hours and hours in front of the TV watching Food Networks Valentines week. That involved about 40000 episodes of how to eat chocolate. I told myself that next year I would be able to drink the whole fondue pot if I wanted to. Alas I was on a diet last year and I was doing very good on it, so no chocolate from me. So there, right in front of me was another bitter reminder that yet another Valentines day would be passing and Shannon would still not be licking the bottom of the fondue pot! I was fine ignoring most of the Valentines stuff, until I got to the damn Dove Promises. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck just keep walking, look at your toes look at your toes, fuck the baby is on your belly you can’t look at your toes, oh right, your belly the reason you can’t eat the Dove Promises. Yes good idea Shannon walk away. I made it into the bread isle and was safely away from the candy at the front of the store. At least I knew where the other bad isles where (read all isles but the dog food, meat and paper products). But then I was bushwacked! Full on sneak attacked. There was another display. An end of isle display. Do you know what was on it? A new flavor of Hersheys kisses. DOUBLE FUCK! See not only am I a sucker for, well, food I’m a huge sucker for anything new. I’m like a robot about new things. I just have to try them. Normally even when I’m on a diet I will buy it and try it, because as long as I taste one I’m okay giving away the rest of the bag. These kisses were packaged in a pretty champagne bottle. Know why? Because they are new champagne flavor kisses. Oooooooo my eyes lit up into what I now refer to as DESERT FACE!

My hand reaches up to grab the beautiful bottle and then stops. I remember this weeks goal to lose 3 pounds. Then I remember the last months worth of trouble with Hershey’s kisses. They wouldn’t stop jumping in my mouth. No matter what I did, no matter where I hid them, I would find them again and eat 10 before I knew what happened. I slowly backed my cart away from the display and ran toward the milk isle as fast as I could.

BAM!

I came face to face with some sort of new center display. This one had NEW LIQUORICE. It was rainbow flavor and for a minute I got caught up by “all the pretty colors.” Ooooh blue for blueberry and green for watermelon and OMG there was peach liquorice. I didn’t even realize I was lovingly petting the bag until I noticed a guy staring at me from over across the way on the freezer side. Oh hee, erm, I swear I wasn’t just stroking the bag of liquorice, I was just um, testing the uhh ummmm…Fuck I better run again before he really thought I lost my mind.

I quickly glance at my list and see that it’s time to pick out a yummy new diet ice cream treat. Okay cool. I could finally pick out something sweet that was actually allowed in my cart.

But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There it was. The green carton. The once a year limited edition green carton. You know the one. The one that says LIMITED EDITION GIRL SCOUT COOKIE THIN MINT ICE CREAM. I felt my knees go week. Suddenly I couldn’t walk anymore. I couldn’t move. It was as though I was frozen in that moment. What kind of person passes up Girl Scout Cookie Ice Cream? Only a complete asshole does that.

So great, now I’m an asshole because fuck me I want to lose those three pounds. I go about my shopping, and this time I’m really scanning prices because I don’t want to spend a lot of money. I push on toward the Lean Cuisines but think, no too much money, you know cuz I’m being frugal and all. So you can imagine how my eyes bugged out when I saw TEN JUMBO KING SIZE CANDY BARS FOR TEN DOLLARS. I didn’t know what to do with myself at this point. I push on and then I run into a Pringles bin. This one has Pringles 10 for $10.00. Okay great I say. I can finally put something that is a good bargain in my cart. I look through em and discover a new flavor. Spicy guacamole. I toss em in (sucker for new things) and finally head safely to the check out.

Safe my ass. Now the evil was in my car. As much as I hate Pringles I was mesmerized by the NEW FLAVOR. I tasted one and holy mother of chocolate those bitches are good. So now I’m sitting here typing this blog about trying to avoid naughty foods with a can of Pringles sitting on my counter sending me come hither looks . They are trying to seduce me with their sexy green can and the phallic shape of their container. It says look at me I’m just the right size for your fat arm to fit into. They are whispering sweet nothings from across the room.

Come eat me Shannon, I won’t make you fat, I’ll make you look reallll sexy. You know you want me baby. I’ll make you real happy and buy you a big house in the country.

And I whisper back,
But my dear Pringles if I eat you, you will make my double chin a triple chin.
And then I quietly back away.

But they are still there, across the room, waiting patiently for the day when I fall off the wagon. Because I always do.

by Still Crazy Still Blue

Last night I was going to fuck him up, this morning…maybe I’m the asshole

Remember recently when I said I would let you in on Rob and I’s fights? I bet you were starting to wonder if we ever got into fights. Last night we finally had one. Was it warranted..mmmm maybe not so much, was I passionate about it while it was happening, OH HELL YES!

So remember my big fall this weekend? Well that combined with my asinine attempt at spinning, made me very soar and quite a bit stinky. I tell Rob when he picks up Brandon at work that I was going to take a shower while the chicken was cooking. He replied, “babe, you don’t have to tell me when you want to shower.” I was like, “Okay but I want to shower tonight for sure.” (I normally shower mornings because I do not like sleeping with wet hair, I figured if I showered by 5pm it would be dry though.) I get home and he has company over playing Wii. This was fine. What was not fine is that he hadn’t moved the Wii out of our bedroom so they were playing in there. Umm my shower is see through. So much for my shower. While he is eating, I figure I might as well take a nice bath so at least I’m clean and I can was my hair in the morning. Rob goes in the room after dinner like always, he goes potty like always, and he starts to do some things he does before showering. I tell him, “babe I want to take a bath after your shower.” He says fine. (I have to bathe after him because he says I use all the hot water.) I’m super tired at this point because Codi was up a lot the night before and, well I’m always tired. So I walk out and come back in and he has the video game controller in his hand. I thought he was turning the game off from when his friends were there. I come out and check my email and eat a little diet ice cream. About a half hour passes and I think to myself, gee he’s been in there for a while. I’m getting very tired and I go in to see if he’s almost done. He’s in the bathroom, and then I look over and realize the shower is dry. I ask if he has even gotten in and he tells me that no, he was actually playing video games that whole time.

Insert Shannon’s head lighting on fire and bursting right here!

I get pissed off, grab Codi and get into bed. Rob’s like babe just take a bath after. NOPE I was mad. It would be way to late, Codi would be waking up and I was beyond tired. He comes in and I was just being a jerk. I was sighing and fussing around in bed and way mad. He asked what was wrong and I just let into him. I told him how it was rude he didn’t think to say, Oh yeah sure you can take a bath after I shower, but I won’t be showering until after I dick around on the video game more. I was extra mad because I was soooo dirty and soooo sore. So do you know what I did. I sighed and fussed and kicked my legs ALL NIGHT LONG. At one point around midnight Rob asked if I was seriously still mad, and know what? That made me madder! So you know what I did? I got right up and changed his picture frame! That would show him!


(a little background, I bought this for him one valentines day, and yes I really change it when he’s being a shit)
This morning I wake up and all the sudden I realize, I was being such an asshole. There was soooo no reason for me to be mad. There was really no reason I couldn’t have taken a bath after he showered. So what if I was tired, a bath would just be more relaxing while I was tired. So we chatted all day via Yahoo and then he gets home and mentions that I hadn’t changed the frame back. I laughed and went back to cooking. A few minutes ago he got sad about it, so I fixed it. Now it looks like this.


So there you go. Our first fight of the New Year. We are sooo boring huh. By the middle of the day I already forgot I had been mad at him last night, and by the time we got home and he kissed me all was well. But man last night, when I didn’t get to washing the horror of spinning off my body, boy did I want to fuck him up!
by Still Crazy Still Blue

You spin me right in to the gates of fucking hell

My cousin hates me did you know that? She wants me to die a long hard death!!! You know how I just had a baby, you know like 7 fucking weeks ago, and how before that I hadn’t done more cardio then steadfastly lifting the ice cream spoon to my mouth for a full 8 months due to that whore bitch “BED REST”? I’ve been doing this whole Tummy Tuck thing for about 6 weeks now and I thought I was doing pretty good watching my calories and taking long generous walks down the isles of Walmart. So today when I am whining to my cousin about needing to exercise but having no time and blah blah poor me, when she sweetly says, “why don’t you come to a spinning class with me today?” I hesitate long enough to eat a Hershey’s kiss and then say, “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND YOU INSANE FREAK?” She’s all, oh its not so bad, I totally made it through my first time with no trouble and after 3 classes I could stand and keep up and I have fucking rainbows and moonshine shooting out of my ass. I have two words for her YOU ARE A BIG FAT LYING ASSHOLE!!! Go ahead tell me that was more then two words, I dare you to fuck with me right now. I just spent the last 45 minutes wishing I was dead or at least wishing I had a machete to fuck up my cousin every time I looked over at her stupid smiling face as she was spinning off into oblivion like it was no big deal. I on the other hand was sitting there with one third of ONE ass cheek struggling to fit on the elf shoe they call a seat and wondering if it would look bad if I barfed in the trash next to my bike. As I type this I feel like my fucking ass is going to come alive and eat me its burning so bad. I’m in pain people. Feel sorry for me. I told her, I said Lisa maybe I should ease into this work out thing again, you know do a few minutes on the treadmill or something. But nooooo she assured me I wouldn’t die. By the end of the class I wanted to puke, my bladder was screaming, my ass was saying, hey if your going to be hurting this bad you should be doing something fun and my face was so red I looked like a Super Mario character. Also whose idea is it to take a class being taught by a woman who looks like God came down from the heavens and sculpted her body himself? Yeah that makes me feel adequate huh? Now my cousin is sitting here saying, he he if you hate me now wait till tomorrow. Oh go ahead and giggle you fucker. Shes saying oh how about Yoga tomorrow. Is she fucking mental. I’ll be lucky if I can get out of bed tomorrow with out the help of 7 vicodens and about 6 shots of jaeger. All I’m thinking is great, I was the slow, sluggish, asshole in the spinning class, and now I’m going to be that girl who farts the whole way through the yoga class.

Did you know an ass can cry? Mine is crying right now. It’s wondering why I took it out of it’s cushy position in front of the TV and made it think a little. Spinning? What the fuck was I thinking? Have you ever done spinning? Its a bunch of skinny little skank bitches riding in their tight little bicycle shorts with cute little hair and fancy fucking outfits. In the front of the room is a trainer whose all YAY LETS STAND UP NOW AND CLIMB THAT MOUNTAIN…WEE ISN’T THIS FUN CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB. Look! The only place I feel like climbing in though is into bed, not up this bitches happy sunny fucking mountain. I’m looking outside as I peddle my way to my death thinking I would rather be buried in the fucking snow then wondering one more time what I was doing testing the limit of my spandex non maternity pants.

A word of advice. Next time your family member lovingly tries to invite you to a spinning class do yourself a favor and JUST SAY NO! You will get the same amount of exercise driving to marble slab and ordering a double triple chocolate with caramel and extra chocolate and a side of chocolate, and if you want to make a cardio work out out of it, just eat faster…pick up the pace as you shovel that creamy cold goodness into your mouth. However if you do decide to just jump right into a spinning class be prepared for the following:

  • Your ass will not fit on that seat.
  • No, not even one ass cheek will fit
  • You will feel like vomiting actually sounds more fun then being thin
  • The instructor will spew rainbows and sunshine while somehow managing to make peddling look like she is doing a fantastic ballet
  • You will not look like you are doing a ballet, you will look more like you are driving a clutch and you keep popping it out of place and stalling
  • Half way through you will want to murder the person who brought you
  • An hour after you will start to feel like you have just climbed all the way to the gates of hell and can someone please just kill me now!

Update: My skank bag cousin is saying now, “by your third class you will be fine” Third class my sore ass, you freak of nature. Thats like saying hey it only burns the first time you stick your hand in lava. YOU LYING HOOKER! There is no way anyone can get used to this shit!

Updated update: I just went in to pee, it took me a full 2 minutes to convince my legs that they should stand up and not leave me stranded on the shitter. Apparently they think spending a life time on the crapper sounds more appealing then ever walking again!

by Still Crazy Still Blue

It’s Brandons banket

Since he was born I wanted Brandon to have some kind of lovey. My mom wanted to make him a blanket so we thought of different things that Brandon loves and recognizes and then she hand embroidered them onto squares and made it into a blankie for him. When you point to something he refers to it as Brandon’s. So it isn’t a picture of Nemo its, Brandon’s Memo.
Up Close


Brandon cuddling his blankie in bed
by Still Crazy Still Blue

Wii for dummies


Katie & her husband Casey boxing


Good punch Katie


Codi playing hard


Still playing hard


Casey being very serious at bowling


Strrrriiiikkkkeee!


Ginger watching Katie bowl


I asked Casey to smile


Cheeeese


Second before this picture Rob looked at Casey and said “are you going to smile?”, Casey was like “yeah,” so then they both looked and smiled


Robs in the zone


Katie thinking, I can’t see Shannon but I know shes up to something


Studiously reading the directions before the big race


Run forest run.

I was pretty sad no one got a video of my awesome bowling stance…its the best!

All videos are very short but worth clicking
If these retarded videos don’t work click here
Ginger and Katie playing Wii
Rob & Casey playing
Shannon & Ginger playing

by Still Crazy Still Blue

Thank God for Ramen and Vicoden

So yeah yeah I’m in Reno and there is a bunch of snow and shit. Fucking snow. Have I ever told you I HATE THE FUCKING SNOW. Move you say. No I can’t move because my parents are here and don’t you know the world would dissolve and crumble to shit if I moved my son away from his papa and mramaw, why he would never speak to me again. Wait a minute…that would at least buy me a few seconds of silence.

Back to the slut snow! I had to make a trip to the store today. One of my New Years resolutions is to make weekly meal plans and only make one trip to the store to save money (making extra trips to buy milk for the boy doesn’t count as he would murder me in my sleep if I didn’t provide endless chogglet nilp, also this ensures I cook food at least 5 nights a week and allows my husband two free nights to do as he pleases). I had a few other things I wanted to do but I was worried because of the snow. Here was my list:

  • Drive clear across town to get my mom a napoleon from this special bakery for her birthday.
  • Meet my cousin at Kohls and obsess over new bedding for her
  • Go to grocery store
  • Go to Babies R Us to buy bouncy chair, breast milk bags, and organic Elmo Noodle soup

I get Codi all ready to go, nurse him so his belly is full, pack up his little snow suit and off we go. I get in the car and POOF it starts snowing it isn’t bad but it’s still snowing and there was already about 4 inches on the ground. I sit in my driveway for about 8 minutes assessing the situation. I finally decide that no matter how much I want to buy my mom that Napoleon driving all the way across town was just not safe (I think she would appreciate a live child and grand child more then a pastry..I hope). I also decide to knix Kohls. I head to Babies R Us to buy this chair. I spend about 20 minutes in the chair isle looking at all the other chairs because they don’t have the one I want. I’m pretty annoyed so I go around the whole store getting everything else. That is also where I stumble upon 5 new bedding sets by new brands that are all totally awesome and that were not there a short 4 months ago when I bought bedding. This pissed me off more and add that to my anger over the chair, well, lets just say I was getting feisty. I went back to the chair isle and hemmed and hawed some more before finally getting pissed and leaving. Do you know why I couldn’t find the chair? Go look at it again, notice anything, anything over there on the right? Like the words ONLY AVAILABLE ONLINE! Yeah I must have eating a bowl of retard soup for breakfast. I find this extra funny because I had stared at that fucking chair no less then 8 times and I always look for the available online only thing. Again, the retard soup must have got me.

Anyway at this point I’ve spent too much time at the baby store and I’ve bought too little goodies so I am crabby. I go walking out the store to see that the little dusting of snow has turned into a Goddamn blizzard and now I’m just all around pissed the fuck off. I decide that I’m going to just drive right across the street to Albertsons (Savemart bought this out but I refuse to refer to it as Savemart because it just sounds idiotic) instead of going all the way to Smiths like normal. I was all stoked because I scored a primo front parking spot and I thought that was great since I had a baby and I didn’t want him all wet. I climb in back to get Codi out of his seat and I step backwards out of the car and my foot hit some kind of curb. I guess they had build a second curb about 2 feet from the actual curb for you to park carts between. Anywho my foot hits it and slides right off. Next thing I know both of my feet are under my car, my ass is crashing into this pointy curb and my back is cracking onto the curb after my ass and my head is smacking into the second curb, all the while I’m laying in about 6 inches of snow. Codi, was all bundled into his snowsuit and lucky I had a good grip on him because he didn’t even wake up in all the mess. So I stand up real quick like hoping no one saw and I turn around to see some skank whore slut bitch girl sitting in a car with her asshole piece of shit motherfucker boyfriend laughing. Yes she is laughing. She sees me look at her, covers her mouth to stifle her laugh and fumbles with her window to ask if I’m okay. I wave her off and stomp into the store. I was so shocked that the piece of shit guy didn’t even have the decency to get out and check on me while I was laying there.

Anyway I finally get into Savemart, poorly named money sucking grocery store Albertsons and start shopping only to realize everything there cost almost a dollar more then Alberstsons used to and about .75 more then my beloved Smiths. Then I realize the whole reason I wanted to go to Smiths anyway was that I had a little bit of money left on a gift card and no money left in my checking account. Dammit now I was really mad. I decided fuck it I would buy the stuff and figure it out later. I went all over the store got my shit and even stuck to my list only adding 3 things that weren’t on it. The only thing I didn’t get was some damn Tamarind. Can someone please tell me what the fuck Tamarind is and what goddamn isle of the store you find it in. They didn’t have any Napoleons and the Eclares didn’t look up to par so I got my mom something else but it just isn’t the same. I’m really sad because this year I was so proud of myself for thinking of the Napoleon and actually doing something I knew she would love.

I went down the soup isle and there in front of me was ramen. This may seem stupid but since I’m a vegetarian there is only one brand and one flavor of ramen I can eat. It is the Nissan Oriental flavor. The other brands all have beef broth. I can’t seem to find this damn ramen anywhere so my eyes lit up. Then I thought of the Tuesday Tummy Tuck Club and I walked by the ramen. Then I thought about how my ass, back and head all simultaneously hurt and I was soaking wet from the waist down and you can bet your sweet ass I backed that cart right up and shoved about 4 bags of ramen into it.

I get up to the check stand (not before grabbing a loaf of fresh baked bread to ease my troubles) to pay and go to get my savings card and the girl was all, “oh you don’t need that anymore we just automatically do it for you.” Sounds like a load of hooey to me, thats what it sounds like. I pay my money and walk out. Well I try to walk out by my cart just gets stuck in the snow. So now I’m sitting here with my baby in his Moby all warm and snuggly on my chest (clearly signaling that I’m a mom with a tiny infant) trying to shove my cart across the parking lot all while a young, fit cart collector stands about ten feet away watching me. I finally force my cart across the way, get my kid in the car, nearly eating shit on the fucking curb again and open my truck only to have it dump about 5 inches of snow on my head and in my grocery bags. Now I’m mad. I load my groceries, grab the loaf of bread, pray that the Tummy Tuck gods can understand and I get in my truck. I tear off the end of the bread, dig out the soft middle and treck home going 30 goddamn miles an hour the whole way. I pull up at home and my whole entire body is hurting. I go in the house and Codi wakes up. It’s time to feed him, then Brandon wants to eat breakfast (at 4:43 pm????? mmm belicous) I have to unload the groceries and I really need to pee. Then I see it, my little bag of ramen. OHHHHH YEAH I bust that shit out, fire up the oven and away we go, right. Nope not so much. I boil it to just the right texture, season it just right, put the steaming bowl on the table and go to eat it when CRASH Brandon bumps into the bassinet waking up Codi. (At this point I think I actually growled) I get Codi, stick him back on my boob and finally, oh sweet Jesus did I get to sit down and eat my ramen. Fuck me that stuff is good. All 400 and something calories of it. Nevermind it was cold by then and that right as I got my second bite in my mouth my son decided to take my raspberry fizzy water thing and shoot it across my just cleaned floors, it was still damn good.

So in the end, I still hate the fucking snow and I still love ramen and dammit the powers above better let me lose weight this week despite the ramen, bread and Hershey’s kisses as a consolation for eating shit in the snow in front of people and not throwing rocks through their rude, no respect having windshield!

End transmission!

by Still Crazy Still Blue