Taking my husband down with me

I don’t know why my husband still tells me things that happen at work. He knows I just come right over here to my computer and flap my jaws to all of you! Here is todays latest entry of weird shit said at my husbands work

First a quick background. Yesterday Rob’s work was invited to a lunch put on by Fed-Ex as a customer appreciation thing. Him and three friends rode over in one car and they got tri-tip and chicken and so on. K end of background.

Omar: Hey Rob was your shit green yesterday?
Rob: Umm no why
Omar: Dude my shit was bright green I was hoping your’s was too from the lunch yesterday.
Rob: Nope
Omar: Hey Darrel is your shit green
Darrel: Yeah cool is yours too
Omar: Yeah but Rob’s isn’t, hey Tony what bout you
Tony: No you guys are weird
Rob: Yeah mine was just normal brown color
Tony: What are you guys doing eating color crayons

Why oh why does he insist on telling me these things Hmmmmm?

TO GLOAT QUICKLY

I forgot to mention something Brandon’s pediatrician told me IN FRONT OF MY HUSBAND THANK GOSH!!!!

No it is not because you didn’t eat meat during your pregnancy that your son won’t eat it IT IS BECAUSE MOST TODDLERS DON’T LIKE THE TEXTURE AND WILL JUST SPIT IT OUT!! Give him time he will eat it when it feels less weird in his mouth.

I would like to take a moment to say to my husband,
Neener neener
Ha ha (said in Simpsons voice)
Take that
Boo ya
and
I TOLD YOU SO
with a dash of
SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!

In case you thought you missed it

Some people were trying to wish my husband happy birthday. In case you thought you missed it, you should know his actual birthday is today Monday August 27th! HOWEVER this year he declared that instead of a birthday week he was getting a 9 day birthday. So that means his birthday lasted from Friday the 24th until Saturday September 1st. That gives you a whole entire week to tell him happy birthday if you want! Yeah, I’ve never claimed my husband wasn’t spoiled. Also during his birthday week we have to do whatever he wants. This means that Friday he got to do an extra soft ball game and pick his after game snack, Saturday we had to wake up and go to breakfast, then go to a SuperBad guy movie, then go to a wing place for lunch. Then I had to make him his requested dinner since the sushi place he wanted to go was closed. Then I had to take him to the club and hang out and I HAD TO HAVE FUN! It also meant I couldn’t complain when he wanted me to take him to Jack in the Box at 2:40am for tacos. I couldn’t say anything when Rob, Lisa and Ginger were in the back seat shouting about tacos as if they were the funniest thing ever and saying over and over we want 62 tacos, 14 with light lettuce, 6 with no cheese, 4 with some meat, 5 of the ones with light lettuce have no tomatoes (none of this seemed funny to me at 3am). I bet it was really funny when we pulled up to the drive thru and Bernard waited until right when the window was rolled down to shout SUCK MY BALLLS, SUCK MY BALLS! There was also some sort of argument about who was buying the tacos because somehow Ginger only spent like $15.00 the whole night while the rest of us spent at the least $100.00. So then I had to hear Rob and Lisa trying to shout over Ginger, SHUT UP GINGER YOUR BUYING TACOS, WHATEVER GINGERS BUYING TACOS, TACOS GINGER WHATEVER GINGER TACOS! For the drive thru finale my cousin ordered just for her and Bernard, 8 tacos, 1 crispy chicken, 1- bacon double cheeseburger and a small fry then shouted at the cashier she needed more sauce MORE SAUCE MOOOREEEE SAUCE (for the record all that was eaten was the chicken sandwich since her husband was to busy puking to eat). It also meant I couldn’t complain when he didn’t get all his tacos (but Lisa got 8 somehow) and at 3:04am I had to take him to Jack in the Box a second time for 4 more tacos. And I really couldn’t complain when he passed out on the way home and never ate the damn tacos. I couldn’t complain either when we got home and Rob demanded Tylenol. Then got all upset because I had brought him rapid release Tylenol and not regular Tylenol! But most important, I couldn’t even complain when he let out two of the longest, stinkiest beer farts ever! Then Sunday morning (noonthirty) when Rob finally dragged his ass out of bed I had to go to Truckee with him so he could get KFC (NV KFC’s don’t have hot wings on the menu). Don’t worry he only ordered 42 fucking hot wings! I couldn’t even complain when he wanted to eat his hot wings again for dinner either.

So now the big weekend is over and Lord only knows what kind of demands the shit head has in store for the remainder of his birthday week (9 days)! Also, I was kindly informed that this year on my birthday I could have the full day and have control of the remote for “most” of the day, and he would maybe think about not farting near me. He is such a gentlemen!

On a side note Lisa I wasn’t sure you heard that Amber and Reggie broke up! Annnnd seriously people just to give you guys an idea of what I was hanging out with on Saturday night, my OLDER cousin took a shot of copper camel (dude sweetest easiest shot ever) and spent the next five minutes IN PUBLIC IN A VERY NICE PLACE wiping off her tongue with a fucking paper napkin! Damn we are a classy bunch!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!

Do you remember those nights where you went out and got totally wasted and then laughed at yourself the whole time thinking about how totally awesome you are! Well last night was just like that only I was dead sober so I got to realize exactly how “AWESOME” my friends are!!!
The night started out so well and so cute! (Bernard wanted me to tell you all that the head band really made the whole outfit come together…he made sure to tell me this 43 different times in the night)


We look soooo cute!


Corny pregnant pic


Bernard says it isn’t easy looking hard when your wearing a pink shirt


Can you tell which people in the house were drunk before we even left? If only I had zoomed in on how many times Lisa dumped Pink drink on her shirt!


Trying to look normal


The start of the night…Looking too cool for school


Known em since 5th grade..We are still dorky


At this point Rob is hot and takes off his shirt…Also the red is starting to come in to play….FYI when Robs face gets red he is getting drunk!


The guys looking dorky!


Notice Ginger is beginging to get redder.


Dear Mandy! In case you are wondering how to tell when Lisa is mad…Give her at least five drinks, look at her wrong, have her husband mention something about gray hair and then HELLO welcome to MEAN NASTY LISA!!! She came out for about an hour last night giving us all nasty dirty looks and shooting us down with her death rays. Then we devised a super duper plan, we would pump her full of more liquor and all was well!


Could some one please give my husband some visene…He is clearly ultra drunk now!


So drunk in fact, that as we were taking this picture he was swearing up and down that THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE CUTEST PICTURE EVER! Again people notice the red eyes! (around this time in the night Bernard started jumping up during random bad (bad says Bernard) songs, and putting his hand on my belly asking if Codi was moving. When I replied no Bernard would say good, your kid better not like this kind of music) So fucking random! This was also about the time Rob dragged me onto the dance floor (yeah lets see white girl, who is sober with a giant belly, can you guess how HOT my rhythm was, no really just guess how rockin I was, my favorite part was when I kept bumping into Rob and random people with my belly) anyway he gets all sentimental and grabs my belly on the dance floor and declares “I just love your pregnant belly babe, I really do, It’s so sexy, I love you and your belly so much.” (Sign number three you know when my husband is drunk, he starts overly declaring his love for me, and also trying to publicly make out with me!)


The guy on the left didn’t want to smile


Then I kindly explained to him that the pregnant lady with the camera doesn’t take no for an answer!


I guess they are trying to say 313 which is someones area code or something….They practiced this for about 4 minutes before picture time! Also the guy in the middle, Tim, he totally does not know the rules to hanging out with Shannon AND WOULD NOT STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME! Seriously he rubbed my shoulders and tried to hug me at least 4 damn times and was nearly crying about how thankful he was for the damn baseball tickets from the week before. He obviously doesn’t know that you don’t touch Shannon if you want to live!


The very first ever picture taken of me and Bernard..He thought this was a HUGE deal! It left him declaring for the rest of the night that this was the best picture taken in the history of man and that the whole world was going to be like DUDE ITS BERNARD AND SHANNON!!!! (background, until about a year ago Bernard and I were mortal enemies and usually just said mean horrible things to each other while kicking and punching each other, hence this photo being historic or something)


So Lisa’s husband hates this guy I used to date because he was a piece of shit scumbag. Anyway This guy used to always give thumbs up and it would piss Bernard off soooooo bad. At this point in the night Rob and Lisa were super trashed and thought making thumbs up was THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD!


Still funny I guess (at this point Bernard was soooo mad at them he said maybe they should just go live together and have babies with stupid thumbs)!


Bordering on hilarious in their minds (at this point I was actually laughing so hard my belly was shaking and Bernard would freak out thinking I was hurting the baby and tell me that I had to stop laughing before I jiggled the baby out!)


Really pushing their luck!


Bernard was sooo pissed he tried to punch Rob about 4 different times (nooooo they weren’t drunk at all hmmm)

One more for the road!

MEN AND BASEBALL

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET YOUR HUSBAND GO TO SAN FRANCISCO FOR A DAY WITH THIS FRIENDS FOR AN EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT, ARMED WITH TONS OF ALCOHOL AND A CAMERA?????


HEY LOOOK AT ME I’M DRUNK (AND THAT GUY BEHIND ME IS SLEEPING) WOOOOOOOO


LOOK I’M STILL DRINK (AND THAT OTHER GUY BEHIND ME IS PASSED OUT TOO)

YEAH WERE SO AWESOME…WE CAME HOME WITH NOT A SINGLE PICTURE OF THE GAME BUT PLENTY OF PICTURES OF ME BEING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
(THE GUY ON THE RIGHT THATS MY COUSIN LISA’S HUSBAND)

Men I would cheat on my husband with!!!

  1. Ben and or Jerry- No explanation needed right ladies
  2. Emeril- Duh, this man would rock my world
  3. Dr. Rey-Lets see, have a couple babies then get boob lift, tummy tuck and thigh lift YES PLEASE
  4. Duncan Hines- I mean really, why not!
  5. The guy who owns the bagel shop down the street- Free bagels for life…Rob who?
  6. Any one of the Keebler elves- Little isn’t so bad when they come with free cookies
  7. Steve Madden- Because I really need new sexy shoes
  8. Ronald McDonald- McFlurry for breakfast YES PLEASE
  9. Chester Cheeto- Sure why not let my sugar daddy support my sons Cheeto habit
  10. A fishin boat captain- So I could stop paying for my husbands sushi habit!

You wouldn’t believe it if I told you!!!

Yesterday my husband (who is Filipino) says babe can you make me chicken adobo tonight? I’m thinking ummm isn’t that Mexican? He informs me there is a Filipino version. So I look it up and then he tells me, “my mom used to make it all the time, it’s a favorite.”

GREAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

If your married there is one thing you should always know….YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT TASTE LIKE HIS MOTHERS!

So I make it, and it is simmering on the stove when he walks in he says, “mmm smells like home.” I think I’m golden. then he goes to look at it and says, “It doesn’t look the same as when mom makes it, yours is darker.” Confidence shot down like a balloon my son just popped.

BUT THEN DUN DUN DUN He tastes it. He says, “Wow babe, it’s so good, it taste JUST LIKE MOM.”

Whuuuu. Did those words just come out of his mouth. No fucking way!

Then he says the following things:

It is delicious
It taste exactly like my mom made it
I am so happy I want you to make it all the time!

So of course I respond with YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR MOM RIGHT (his mom who thinks I’m a piece of shit and can’t cook and can’t clean a house and can’t keep her son happy). He’s like I’m going to E-mail right away!

As luck would have it, his dad calls right at that moment and I kind of pretend to walk out of listening distance when I hear the following:

DAD! Shannon made chicken adobo
No really dad it was good
It was amazing
Dad it tasted just like mammas it was that good
Tell mom about it dad, she didn’t even use a real recipe she just went off what I said and then looked at a few things and made it up!

Ohhhhhh Yeah folks thats right you heard it here first I DID IT AS GOOD AS HIS MOM!!!!

************************************

Also lemme give you some background on his mom. She was born in the Philippines. Here idea of a good wife is a wife that was chosen to marry you, whose only job is to stay home, cook, clean and pop out babies. Also they are to present them selves in no more then a size two and should be tattoo free and have freshly blown out hair.

Now since I have a job that bothers her. Then, since Rob LOVES to cook as much as me some nights I actually let him use the grill or deep fat fry himself some greeezy food. Because I let him do this (while still cooking a meal for Brandon and I) she says that I don’t cook and her poor son has to cook for himself. Then for some odd reason she thinks I don’t clean. Probably because I always have at least three things in my sink, ie spoon, coffee cup knife…that type of thing.

However this woman stopped cleaning when her kids were old enough to do it and hasn’t done it since they left. Meaning if you go to her house you will find a coat of dust so thick behind her toilet seat or on her knick knacks that they aren’t even cleanable. However, this weekend, although I’m still supposed to be taking it easy I did the following while cleaning my house: Cleaned every single door jam (including the little gold things that hooked my door to the wall), soaked all the stuff on the bathroom counter and scrubbed it till it was shiny, vacuumed every single edge of every wall in my house with the vacuum hose, scrubbed every bathroom counter, and every single thing on it, cleaned out our medicine cabinets, cleaned every single mirror in the house, took down anything decorative in my house and soaked it and scrubbed it, cleaned out both my fridge and freezer, washed every rug in my house, dusted under every electronic device, cleaned out my sons toy box, cleaned out the drawers in my coffee table, and then did the regular cleaning things. I do this normally when I clean. Yet she thinks I can’t clean. She also thinks I don’t know how to cook. Which is why the year before last when I made the best prime rib ever she was shocked, and stunned to say the least when her own husband ate 4ths and then left Reno forgetting his left overs and actually turned the car around to come get his left overs. It is also why this Christmas she tried to make one and ended up having to call me into the kitchen at the end to help her figure out why hers was over well done and not medium rare (duh the thermometer needs to be in it the whole time you can’t just stick it in randomly for a second and get the right temp). It is also why her son before he met me had never had strawberry shortcake, a real chicken salad sandwich, and has never never had a REAL HOMEMADE TURKEY SANDWICH WITH LEFT OVER THANKSGIVING TURKEY!!!!!!! Yeah let me tell you how much I blew his mind last year with that one…the boy ate no less then four of them in 2 days after tasting the goodness of a REAL turkey sandwich. She also used those preformed boxed taco shells, so you can imagine how much he loves when I fry up corn tortillas and make him fresh taco shells.

So it is because of all this, that you have to understand why it means sooooo much to me when I heard that I did it as good as his mom, because my husband has his mom up on the biggest highest pedistool you ever saw. Sooooo I DID IT LIKE MOM DOES IT AHAHAHAHAHAH!

Yeah yeah whatever

Soooo as Stephanie so graciously pointed out, I have slacked off on posting from this site for a whole 24 hours and 8 long minutes. Sooorry. Truth is I haven’t had much to talk about. I’ve been fighting with my parents over the house Rob and I are building and it is making me crazy. We started fighting Monday and I’ve been in a funk about it all week.

My house is a disaster because turning my office into a babies room has created quite the project. Since I’m not allowed to lift much this means now that there are little piles of stuff allllll over my house that my nanny left me with that I can’t lift and move. That means there are tons of new little piles for my son to destroy. That means he has strewn about 48 CD’s around my house. He found a box with old unopened bill. Do you know what he did. He opened them all and threw about 20 bills in small pieces allllll over my house! He got a hold of a red marker and painted his hands red and then went into the bathroom and dunked his hand in the toilet and smeared red ALL OVER my toilet seat. He found the Playstation games and took them all out of their cases and hid them from Rob. He found a bag of hangers from the dry cleaner and he pealed the paper in one inch pieces off every single hanger threw paper everywhere and then proceeded to throw hangers EVERY WHERE!

At work he has peeled off all the labels on the file cabinets. He fed the dog his breakfast. He fed the dog his vitamins. He fed the dog his lunch. He fed the dog some poop.

Let’s see what else. I work for a heating and air conditioning company and it is so hot in my office right now you could melt chocolate on my desk…go figure. Ooh, but I do have ice cream in the freezer. Be right back.

I’m back, seems marble slab doesn’t freeze so well. Darn! This shit is frozen rock solid which doesn’t sit to well for someone who really has zero patience so is gonna fucking throw this shit at the wall waiting for it to melt.

My husband and I had a little fight the other night. When he got home he came bearing a M&M McFlurry. He is a smart man. He was forgiven instantly.

Fucking bitch ice cream still isn’t soft.

I drove to work today and my car says I have 10 miles to go till I run out of gas. I wonder how far I’ll push it before I go get gas. Oh yeah, I have a company supplied gas card, so paying for the gas isn’t a problem, my laziness is the problem.

Last time I ran out of gas one of those neat high way helper vans pulled up right at the same time as my husband. Didja know if you run out of gas they will give you five gallons free to get you to a gas station..how nifty..to bad husband brought gas so that meant no free gas for me. Rob still laughs at me for having the highway helper guys stop and help me.

Oo ooh I got a bite. Mmmmm mocha caramel goodness.

What a boring job. Could you imagine if your job was to drive up and down the same patch of freeway alllll day long hoping someone breaks down. Sad sad lonely job if you ask me.

That reminds me of a funny memory. One time my cousin and I were driving to California. We were in my moms car. The whole way there these two dorky older guys were flirting with us. So I sped up and left em in the dust. A little ways up the road everyone starts swerving and instead of swerving too I just go ahead and run right over the giant chair in the road. In my moms car. Only problem is, chair gets stuck under the car. Brilliant. So my cousin and I pull over and hop out like two dipshits thinking sure, we’ll just pry the chair out. NOPE this shit wasn’t moving. So now we are standing on the side of the road with a look on our face like UH DUH. Right at this moment a cop drives by and as he’s driving he passes right by us and says on his speaker phone thingy… A TOW TRUCK IS ON THE WAY!

WTF her and I just watch as this cop drives by leaving two girls stranded and tells us he is sending a tow truck. Umm. What if we didn’t need a tow truck? What if we were just stopping to stretch, or stopping because, oh I don’t know we ran over a chair?

So guess who comes to our rescue? No not mr. tow truck man, instead its the two dorky guys we had made fun of earlier. They end up lifting the front of my car while my cousin beds down and grabs a hold of the chair and I put the car in reverse all at the same time. Walah we were free. We said thanks and hopped in the car and took off leaving them standing their scratching their heads. It was pretty funny. I dunno, maybe you had to be there.