My mother just came in and read my last post and asked why on earth I haven’t posted about the time she called the cops on my cousin and I yet. Soooo fine here!

I present to you THE SEVEN HOUR DAY!

One morning Lisa and I get this brilliant idea that we are going to ride our bikes over to Gingers neighborhood. This is because Gingers neighborhood had ALL THE GUYS. So we go over an somehow wander over to Scotts house to hang out with him and Tom. Debbie and Ginger are there with us. To be brief I’ll just tell you a few tidbits from this day. First, I hadn’t yet kissed a boy. This meant everyone in the room proceeded to try and teach me. So first we had Debbie, trying to show me on her hand. This leads to all of us girls now semi practicing making out with our hands in little fists.

After this we do other stupid things like try and get the guys to kiss us, or try and get them to write on our stomachs (because then OMG they like totally touched me.) and on and on and on. We also stole their hat because it had their sweat in it. Took the barrettes they had to wear at dinner (this was during the long hair grunge phase).

Anyway about five hours had passed when my pager started going off. WELL we weren’t exactly supposed to be hanging out with these boys so we brought our bikes in and hid them. Now sensing we were in huge ass trouble we stayed locked in their room and banned Debbie and Ginger from leaving as my mom would surely get it out of them where we were.

The next thing we know my mom is driving down the street. So now like a bunch of retards we start over exageratedly ducking down behind the windows like OMG she is going to see us! After about 7 hours we decide we better go home. As we are riding home the Washoe County Sherrifs pull up next to us. Seems my mom had called the cops on us at this point (fyi I wasn’t older then 13). They followed behind us as we peddled up to my house in shame. The next thing we knew they had our backs against the wall and they just screamed and screamed and screamed at us.

Yeah we were in trouble. After that we got grounded. This is where the fun began. We were forbidden to speak so we would send letters. They would be depressing letters containging giant drawings of the #7 (for 7 hour day) or the words to Far Behind (or song for Tom and Scott), or other depressing woe is us shit. Thus started the daily letter writing segment in school. We would write letter after letter while we were in school. Mine would be like OMG Stephanie Delano is soo being a bitch today about Jeff Williamson (hahahaha Steph), and Lisa’s would be like DUDE Shane totally looked at me today and….

I had my own teen line in my room so when Lisa would call me if my mom was there I would say, no thanks I don’t need my carpets cleaned and hang up. Thank gosh my mom didn’t know about *69 yet.

Also, I still have all of these letters, in date order in a binder! There was this girl that we hated named Britney because she dated Scott her code name was Britanica. So Lisa used to find stuff about encyclopedia Britanica and send it to me with the words SUCKS written all over it. I still have these too. I can’t remember why but I have a nickel that Lisa sent me glued to a piece of paper also.

We also had code names for everyone else, and on the rare occasion we spoke their real name it had to be done with special accents so Tom was always referred to as Thomas Dale, Thomas Dale Henry, and you would have to know us to know the way we had to say that EVERY SINGLE TIME WE TALKED ABOUT HIM!

So you seee….really we are total morons! Our kids don’t stand a chance!

When we were younger my cousin and I, aside from speaking our fabulous made up language had made up names. We preferred to tell guys we were about 4 years old then we were and also come up with different names. I was always Zoey and Lisa had a few names but finally settled on being called KC. To this day I still run into guys who call me Zoey and it is terribly embarrassing when they find out I lied and even more embarrassing for them that they believed me. Anyway one day we left a note for our grandma and signed our fictitious names. Well our grandmas husband couldn’t read very well which means he translated Zoey and KC to Zoc and Kool Cat. From then on we had our new super cool names. We were so stupid that we would be like hey Kool Cat, yeah Zoc, and laugh about this shit in public like we were the funniest fuckers on the planet.

To continue showing off just how cool we are I’ll go ahead and tell you, we used to take the phone from her house and carry it with us on the moped to where ever we were going so her brothers couldn’t use it. On top of that we would pack cereal in a baggy, milk in another baggy and banana in another one. This means at any given time you would see us riding down the street with me on the back carrying cereal, milk, bananas, and a stolen skateboard with a phone cord dangling in the wind behind us. We would then get to our destination and plug in her uber cool phone covered in that neon glue they used to sell and call radio stations trying to win stuff. THEN we would call random people and exclaim…HI THIS IT DOTTY FROM FOX KIDS CLUB AND YOU’VE JUST WON A TRIP TO DISNEY LAND please go to 1398 Mill street to claim your prize today! Yes people actually got excited and yes they actually believed us.

Then as the night wore on it would turn to calling and ask people if their refrigerator was running…but dude, imagine our shock when one lady shouted back at us all happy and giddy YEAH ITS RUNNING DOWN THE STREET!

After my cousin read this mornings posts she reminded me of more stupid ass dumbshit things we did, such as:

• Before we would call any guy we would write down word for word a script of how the conversation was going to go, including variations if said guy didn’t respond the way we wanted. This means most old notebooks of ours that you find have at least one page in them that start out like this…

Shannon: Hi is Tom there (wait for Tom to get on phone, try and stay calm)

• We used to create theme songs for the local pizzaria down the street from my house…then print them out, create dances and go perform them for the owner Dave (Shannon puts head in hands and shakes it in shame). One of them may or may not have been to the tune of Whoomp there it is. Ginger may or may not have been listed as our manager on one of those!
• We took an old cheerleading song that I used to love that went our boys are F-I-N-E fine on the L-I-N-E line and changed it to Tom is F-I-N-E fine in his Hanes underwear and I L-O-V-E love him all the T-I-M-E time….sigh
• We also used to walk down the street singing alright alright alright awesome awesome awesome (have to be a rah rah to know the tune)
• Also we may or may not have walked down the street randomly going EEEP AAAHH to make sure our voices still worked so in case we were kidnapped we could still scream.
• We made up the BOOK OF DARES and created different dares with different point values and tried to see who could get the most points. Some of the dares were, put night crawlers in grandmas hair brush, lock grandma out of the house, and so on.
• When we couldn’t drive we tried to scheme ways of getting to see each other, such as me dressing up as a lost baby, putting me in a box and getting mailed to her house and hitching a ride. NICE!
• We used to make up dances and then make her brothers come out and judge us to see whose dance was better, we would lie and say she was doing mine and I was doing hers so they wouldn’t be partial to whose dance they were picking.
• We used to have coloring contests. We had one the whole flight to Louisiana one time.
• Once in Louisiana we made a code to tell each other if we liked the other cousin we were meeting or not, It was a thumbs up or thumbs down…real incognito
• We used to speak in a secret Kong language
• We used to try and convince these dumbass girls in Truckee that we were twins so we made up a routine when we saw them (they were twins) we would say hi (wave) whats up (point up) then say not wearing the same thing (while wiggling finger back and forth) I (point to our eye) see (making a C with our hands) and walk off. They would stare at us amazed that we could do that.
• Try and cook with out a recipe and then make her brothers eat our magic cookies. Mine always had about four teaspoons of salt in them.
• The time Lisa decided to cut my hair and took about an inch round chunk of hair square on the top of my head and cut it one inch long. Then dumped a bottle of hair spray on my head, smooshed it down and tried to tell my mom it was there the whole time!
• There was the time in Louisiana when the neighbor boys wouldn’t let us swim in their pool so we caught frogs under rocks and launched em over the fence into the boys pool while they were swimming.
• We used to dress up in adult clothes, go to department stores with clip boards and pretend like we were doing quality control.
• We tried to pay for meals with fake play money
• We used to go to stores, fill our baskets with school supplies then leave it all there on the floor and walk out.
• We used to paint pictures and walk around the neighborhood and try and sell them to people. Soon we got really crafty and would find weeds with flowers on them and glue those to paper and try and sell those too!
• We also may or may not have demolished my grandmas kitchen one time trying to make different concoctions out of every single condiment and then daring each other to eat them..I.E. ketchup covered ice cube dunked in chocolate sauce.
• We may have had a sip of rum and coke a a party for a doctor and pretended to be totally drunk!

I am embarrassed to know myself right now!

A couple more funny (to us) memories of me and my cousin.

Memory one. Uggg. So this one time we get this brilliant idea to go around to all the mail boxes in the neighborhood and steal the cards and fun looking envelopes.

SHUT UP I KNOW THATS BAD! But it gets worse. We are walking back to her house when my mom comes driving around the corner to pick me up. We see her and we freak out, drop all the cards (we had a lot) in a pile and take off running. So now, we have stolen all these cards, and then just left em so no one ever got to enjoy them. Dummies.

In relation to this story, another day while we were at my house busy playing office we decided to fill envelopes with dirt, address and stamp them and go stick them in the mail boxes around the neighborhood!

Thennnn there was the time we were playing out int he field behind her house and we ….man I’m ashamed to admit this…found this pile of school papers. We got a little closer and realized they were all a bunch of F papers and that some kid had tried to burn those and his report card up. Sooooo what do we do?

Please don’t shoot me.

We take the papers back to her house, get out the phone book and call all the people with that last name asking if they had a kid named so in so. We finally found the right parent and proceeded totally tell on this kid even offering to bring the papers to the lady.

Wow…we were huge bitches.

Then this one time during our obsession with being skaters..and fucking idiots we got this brilliant idea to go taking stuff from fast food places. So. We get on her moped and drive down to what used to be called tri state and go into each fast food restaurant and we asked for, a bag, a condiment and a cup of water. For some reason we thought it was sooooo cool to have a collection of random ass shit from fast food places. Lisa kept this crap till she moved out. Anyway later that day we get hungry but we are broke. So we drive up to my grandmas house and we get into her recycling can and we “borrow” some of the money her husband had earned recycling cans (no he isn’t broke hes odd okay). We go to the store and decide to buy boxed mashed potatoes, beans and something else.

This leads us to the idea that we are going to make dinner for the family. Problem was, we didn’t know shit about cooking. So instead of presenting what should have been beans we presented what turned out to be bean soup! Everyone loved it and we pretended it was supposed to be that way the whole time.

What I should tell you about this day to make sure you understand our full nerdyness is what we were wearing. As I told you, we were all into being skaters so we were wearing her dads size 38ish waist jean shorts with his socks pulled up to our knees and a T-shirt. Yeah we looked hot! Oh yeah and we were riding around on her moped carrying our skate boards. Only I didn’t have my own so instead we drove down the street to a kids house, I basically beat him up and stole his skateboard. (That situation turned reallllllllly bad later).

Have I mentioned yet how we used to dress up in matching outfits and choreograph dances? We also came up with names for our group. A few of our names….The awesome dudettes, the cherry bombs, the flaming fireballs (yeah we were flaming alright) and sigh, the 2 Legit to Quit girls. We then used to make signs and invitations and try and charge our family to come watch us dance.

And really to save my self some shame, I’ll tell you about our suction cup boobies another time! Also for next time, that time we toilet papered that one girls house on my birthday and then pretended not to know. And also, the time we told everyone we were the presidents daughter, came from England and were very rich and famous…fuck fuck fuck we were idiots. Lisa feel free to throw in some more memories.

Like about how we used to put on fucking magic shows for your dad and brothers!