Ooookay so seems like I struck some sort of emotional cord with yesterdays blog. I decided I owe you all some sort of explanation for ya’ll. Let me start off by telling you all that I have serious issues with this for no apparent reason. You know those religious people who go chasing after you at super markets asking if you have found God? That is me! Only instead of following you about religion I’m following you to make sure you don’t spank your kid. Have you ever been somewhere public and you see some kid start screeming and all the sudden the parent drags them outside? Okay well I’m that person who goes running outside after you to make sure you don’t start beating your kid. NO! It is none of my business but I really don’t give a shit. I realize that parents spank but for some reason I’m just always terrified some parent is going to whip of their belt and go to town on their child. You bet your ass if I ever see or hear you did this I’m going to be on the phone with child services, the police and the president before you can even fasten your belt back on.

I might be a little extra sensitive this month about it since I recently found out that an ex friend of my husband decided to beat his son with a belt 20 + times because he ran around at nap time. This kid won’t sleep and is now terrified of everyone and he is only about 4 years old. The part that worries me the most is that this guy had never even laid a hand on the boy and one day just snapped. I want to crawl in a little hole and bawl my eyes out thinking of that little one right now.

You see for the 3 years I actually went to school, (okay like 2.5 if you count the time I really showed up) I studied everything to do with kids. I was going to go into social work or MFT with a minor in special ed or something. No matter what all I know is I wanted to save kids.

My uncle has somewhere like 8 kids (really I stopped counting around 6ish) and for at least two years out of each kids life they have lived with me and my mom. Some of the living conditions these kids went through were awful. I’m talking living with a mom who hadn’t done dishes in so long there was maggots in their sink. We called social services so many times and never was anything done about it because there was bologna and bread in the house and the kids were still alive.

After seeing what the world allows kids to live through I guess I wanted to go on some sort of mission to save all children. You see when Brandon was born I was very clear to my husband that if he ever spanked our kid that would be grounds for a divorce. No questions asked I would be out. Soooo being the clever little shit he is he asked me if smacking his hand was also divorce worthy. I pondered and pondered and thought that I still could not do that to my son. In my own twisted mind I consider that child abuse. Then I tried to imagine seeing my husband smack his hand and I almost killed him on the spot just from imagining it. So my husband got stuck with time out. That is as far as I will let him go and I have to be perfectly honest I don’t even like that. In fact I”m pretty sure that I think letting a child cry might be child abuse.

Yeah go ahead I can hear the snickers from over here. I know what you are saying. I’ve heard it before.

HER KID IS GOING TO WALK ALL OVER HER!!!! SNICKER SNICKER SNARKY SNARKY

You know what my response to that is? SOOOOOOOOOO WHAT!!!!

I didn’t receive very many punishments my whole life. And for the most part I turned out just fine. You know so many parents say “well I was spanked as a child and I understood not to screw up again” Yes but you never know if your mom hadn’t spanked you, if she had just taken you aside and explained what you did wrong if you wouldn’t have learned just as well? HMMM

I have this friend Alli who doesn’t ever spank. She has what I consider to be two of the most well behaved kids on the planet. I also for the most part think she is a parenting genius. If we are somewhere and her son does something wrong she pulls him aside and explains what he did wrong. She will say something like, you can’t run around like this because there are a lot of people here and we don’t know them and it is rude for you to interrupt their day but if you want to run around if you can just be good for an hour then I promise when we get to where we are going I will let you run around extra hard for being so good. And sure as shit it works like a charm. Instead of using all kinds of awful punishments or weird ideas for getting her daughter to stop doing something she has started saying if you do it again you have to eat a peppermint candy. Emma hates peppermint so by doing that Alli is allowing her to make the decision on her own and should Emma choose to mess up again at least she isn’t getting hurt. Also when her kids wouldn’t nap Alli put a child lock on their door from their side one time. She put em in and said take a nap. They were so upset with the lock that from now on when she says take a nap they will go in there and do it on their own rather then having the choice taken away from them.

I guess seeing her raise two amazing kids with out laying a hand on them made me see that there really is no need for spanking. So you see Emery I know that Ezzie Probably really wasn’t affected at all by the tap on the ass. In all honesty he probably forgot about it 24.3 seconds later. And of course he’s your kid so its totally not my space to tell you how to parent, sometimes I just like to dribble off my way and make it the highway you know. But seriously if I had been there, I’m pretty sure you would have gotten the death stare, if I didn’t start bawling first and grab Ezzie and run away with him.

And Kim, its sounds to me like you have already made your decision about spanking. Don’t let the fact that your child is older let you think it is now okay to spank them. Instead try thinking that since he is older he will be able to understand you better when you discuss with him in a big boy way why he was doing something wrong, and then give him the power to make an adult decision about it. Sometimes you can give kids the power to make adult decisions and that makes them feel grown up and makes them want to behave well.

Sometimes I think that when you spank a kid it takes the power away from them rather then informing them and then letting them have the power. You know when you go to work now and you make a mistake your boss comes in and tells you why you made a mistake and how to fix it. Imagine how we would feel if the boss just fired us on the spot. We then lose the power to make a better more informed decision.

Right now I’m watching Brandon jump up and down and dance to the I like to move it song on Madagascar and I’m asking myself how on earth could anyone want to spank him. So when I get mad at him I try and remember moments like this so I don’t do something I might regret later. When your so mad at your kid you feel like hitting them maybe just stop and think of why you are so mad. Are you mad because everything else around you is hectic (i.e. being in an airport, because I know any trip to an air port is enough for me to want to beat up everyone I come in contact with) and other things are going wrong and at that moment spanking your kid seems like the only way you can get out your frustrations? Because I bet if you stop and think about it, and ask yourself, am I really mad or do I really seriously want to hit my kid right now. I bet you would realize you don’t actually want to implement the spanking. Thats just my theory. I guess I just know that any time I’ve ever been mad enough to raise my voice at Brandon, I’ve stopped and looked around me and realized, I just had a bad day at work, and there are toys every where and my husband was being a butt head and I realize that what ever Brandon did wouldn’t even seem all that bad on any other normal good day. So I guess I just need to take my own advice and learn to separate my own frustrations with my bad day from my son. Hopefully by doing this I can be a better mom.

Also put yourself in your kids shoes. (Sorry Em I’m totally going to use you as an example feel free to publicly flog me for being such an ass today) Ever single time I went to an airport as a kid two things happened, I felt super grown up annnnd I thought HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS SPACE I MUST RUN AROUND IN IT NOW. Taking me to an airport was like asking me to run around like a nutso. Also the airport to him probably seemed no different then when you take him to the mall in the morning and let him run around there. Sometimes I think its hard for kids to separate right and wrong places for that kind of stuff. So maybe next time you are on your way to the airport you should talk to Ezzie right before you go in and explain that this place is not like the mall or the park and he has to behave like a super big boy and then when you get off the plain you will take him to Momars and he can totally run around like crazy. Annnd for every 10 minutes he is good then he can have an extra ten minutes to run around at Momars. This is just my way of thinking. Again it might not be right for you but I thought I would throw it out there anyway. Again sorry for using you and the bug as an example but you two are just whats on my mind right now. No matter what I still think you are a wonderful, great, amazing person and I still look up to you!

Okay I’m rambling again. I just wanted to clear some stuff up. Basically for me I’m just a huge giant softy and can’t imagine my son feeling any kind of hurt. So yeah I’m probably screwed in the future, but you know I can’t help thinking that no matter what happens my son will still grow up to be sorta normal with or with out a spanking.

Am I the last mom on the planet who does not believe in spanking? I don’t understand it. I’m almost afraid to write this blog because I realize no one will really comment on it. I mean what are they going to do post comments on why they think its okay to hit a helpless child? For the most part I feel like I’m being a good mom by making the decision not to spank Brandon, but at the same time I’m feeling like I’ve alienated myself from the vast majority of the mommy population.

I generally try and be humorous when I write. I’m just not sure how to be humorous about this. I guess the trigger point that brought this on was when I was reading a fellow mom blog and they mentioned spanking. I was thrown off balance for a second. I read the sentence and then I reread it and read it again. I was so shocked that this person I had looked up at for so long had this dirty little secret. All the sudden I felt myself hurting for their child. I have a problem with that. I hurt when I hear about children being hurt. I’m sure this person meant no harm in writing that they spank their child. And of course it is really none of my business and maybe their kid will grow up being far more disciplined then mine but at what cost.

I was spanked two times in my entire life. The first time I was so young that I actually don’t have a single other memory from that age, except! the one time my mom spanked me. I remember her spanking me and putting me in her room. I also remember thinking that she must not love me if she had done that. I was so upset that I started destroying everything in her room. She came in and spanked me again. So again I destroyed everything and got very upset. My mom never spanked me again. From memory and knowing what houses I was living in I know that I had to have been no older then three years old.

However, my mom yelled a lot. For me each time she screamed at me it was like a verbal slap in the face. It made me feel like a helpless child. I am still to this day terrified that she will yell at me and I think that no child should feel that way with a parent. I am afraid to go to my mom with problems or when I’ve made a mistake because I feel like she will yell at me. For me I think spanking a child will create the same fears in them. I don’t want Brandon being afraid to come to me. That is why I make such a big effort not to raise my voice at him. But! when I do I have started to pray that someday he will forgive me for losing my temper. I can’t imagine the size of prayer you would have to say to receive forgiveness from your child for hitting them.

My husbands dad hit him when he was little. He says it made him disciplined. But I live with him. My husband is closed off and afraid to speak his feelings. He is still afraid of his dad when we visit and he still treats his dad the way a 12 year old does. He is not treated as an equal and I hate it. I never want my son to grow up and bring his child to visit and then cower in front of Rob or be afraid to tell him that he has a tattoo when he is 27 years old or that he bought a new car when he was 26.

Kids should always feel like they are welcome to come and tell you anything with out reprecautions so bad you feel worse then you did or you become afraid to speak your mind.

So tell me moms, am I the last mom out their who cherishes their little innocent soul? Who looks at my 17th month old and still sees the innocent child he was the day he was born. Am I the only mom who understands that if you won’t hit your spouse why on earth would you hit your kid?

That is my new challenge for all you spanking families out there. Next time your wife upsets you and behaves badly I think you should smack her. NO! Why not? Why is it okay to punish your child but not your spouse? I once had a guy tell me that his wife was grown and knew right from wrong and that is why he didn’t hit her. Okay so if your wife makes a mistake or she burns dinner or she breaks a dish or spills milk on the floor then obviously she doesn’t know right from wrong so you should hit her. And ladies when your husband wrecks the car, or gets in trouble at work for having attitude or he forgets to do something you told him, or his friends come over and he gets a little to drunk and a little too loud and is running around enjoying himself, you should hit him because, after all, didn’t you just spank your kid last night because they were having a little to much fun running around being loud? Think about it. If you wouldn’t hit your grown spouse why are you going to hit your innocent little child who doesn’t even know what they have done wrong? Think about it next time you get knots in your stomach because you see your neighbor spank their dog. Are you telling me you value a dogs life more then your own child. Think about it when you realize that some day your kid is going to go to school and hit someone out of anger because you taught them that. And what will you do? Teach them hitting is bad by spanking them. Seems like all you moms have a lot of thinking to do. But most of all imagine how your child feels the moment your hand comes down on their ass. Imaging that all they are thinking is the same thing I thought, “How is it possible this person who claims to love me so much is hurting me right now, I thought you didn’t hurt people you love.”

I’m not sorry if this blog pisses anyone off. I’m only sorry for your kids. If I lose readers because I wrote this. Oh well.

My son is sitting here on my nice clean couch shredding cheddar cheese and shoving it between his toes. SIGH! But I’m dying to relax for a second so I’m letting the little sucker get away with it. I’m a terrible person. Sorry if you come to my house and you leave with bits of cheese stuck to your ass.

For most of my life I have been a name brand whore. Lucky, Big Star, Hardtail, Coach, Dooney, Steve Madden, these have always been my close personal friends. I’m pretty sure I have bought and paid for the house of the guy who owns Lucky and Coach. About 3 years ago I stopped being interested in name brands. Since, for the most part all I do is go to work and home I realized I wasn’t really impressing anyone with my designer jeans, shoes, shirt, coat shoes and socks. This is true except for one thing.

PURSES! I am a firm believer that purses should in fact be either Coach or Dooney, but! mainly COACH. I got my first Coach when I got married as a wedding shower gift. It was their first limited edition patchwork bucket bag. It was beautiful. It still is. With its white and brown and red and cream patches. The purse really is amazing. Shortly after I received my first swing pack Coach that was also the limited edition patchwork, followed closely by the wallet and card case. For my birthday a year later I received the Limited edition holiday tweed and velvet satchel. That Christmas I received the Holiday patchwork gallery tote.

THEN! I had a baby. I packed away my purses after I noticed they were getting a little beat up. Also none of them had a strap that was long enough to cross over my chest. Toting around a kid was enough that I didn’t want to have to tote around a purse. I complained for a full year about Coach not offering an across the body style of purse. I even emailed them to complain. Finally I bought a Dooney. Although they also didn’t offer across the body straps they were water proof. To me this seemed like the best option since my kid loved to smear, spill, and stain anything he touched. The moment I bought that purse was bittersweet. I mean, ya I was getting a good purse and it was pretty but it wasn’t Coach. All the sudden I felt like I was cheating on my friend. It was like I had cheated on my old comfortable loyal friend. How had this happened? How had I become someone who bought a purse based on function rather then style? Every time I look at the purse I feel a little wounded inside. I look at it and remember the carefree girl I used to be.

The Dooney is nice. I pull it out once in a while. If I want to impress a friend and prove that I am in fact a grown up who carries a purse. But for the most part it sits in my car in the backseat and does a great job holding my lip gloss and coin purse.

Then this morning I came to work and found THIS in my email. I’m at a loss for words. It is the purse I have dreamed of my entire life. It has a full strap. Its limited edition. Its pretty colors. AND it has a strap that goes across my chest. This is big time people.

Heres the catch.

There’s always a catch.

I can’t find one single reason why my husband will let me get this. The whole, Oh I have a new baby and need an easier purse novelty has worn off, since my NEW baby is now over a year, and after all I have managed to live a whole year with out an over the shoulder purse. Right? He won’t understand all the times I suffered because I grabbed my wallet and ran into a store only to discover I needed something out of my purse or the bigger wallet in my purse. He can’t understand going somewhere and feeling like a pauper because I’m in sweats with my hair looking like I haven’t had indoor plumbing in a year, covered in baby goobers and knowing that if only I had carried in a nice purse everyone would instantly understand that I still lead a semi glamorous life. BUT since my purse doesn’t have an across the body strap I don’t carry it in. And then when I run into that one person that is carrying her lovely purse with her hair sprayed hair and diamonds and magnificent jeans I feel like shit because I can’t show off my bigger, better, newer purse.

Now with this new purse I have a chance to right a wrong. I have a chance to go back to my loyal friend. I can beg for forgiveness for cheating on Coach and leaving them for a more functional purse. I only hope that my old friend is willing to forgive me and won’t be sold out just to spite me.

So! I will probably just go buy the purse, hide it in my closet and then make a show of pulling it out in front of Rob and saying I guess I could use this old thing again.

Sunday my friend Katie and her husband came over. They brought the game Outburst with them. I have never played before but I love games. I especially love Scatagories becuase you get to argue a lot during that one. If you don’t know how outburst is played here are the basics. You get into two teams. Team one pulls a card and gives you a topic. Then there are 10 things listed relating to that topic. The other team has one minute to yell out answers and as many as you get is how many points you get. Sooooooo our first topic was something like things found in a classroom. so i say, school books, chalkboard, chairs, teachers, students and so on. i get told that i dont get points for chalkboard because the game says blackboard and i didn’t get school books because it said spelling book and english book. OMGosh I wanted to kill my friend. She pulled out the directions and right there in bold print it says “Warning this game is NOT! fair”. Eww I wanted to spit on my friend. However I retaliated and and didnt give her suntan lotion cuz she said sun screen, and ha ha I sure didn’t let her have bathing suit because the game said swim suit.

After that night I now declare that Outburst is an awesome game, especially if you are kind of frustrated and need to find a release. I also recommend playing Scatagories on days that you are just looking to pick a fight.

I cooked dinner for two sets of friends this weekend and also made my mom sugar free, fat free, calorie chocolate muffins with pudding in them and chocolate cool whip frosting. I’ve done so many dishes this weekend that I think my fingers are permanently pruned. Now I told my uncle I would make him some of my secret special rice crispy treats and all I”m thinking is HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT WITH OUT EATING HALF THE PAN? I’m already having a freaking breakdown because I just found a super ultra jumbo deluxe hersheys bar in my freezer. FIRST I love frozen chocolate. Second I looooove Hersheys bars. Third I’m on a diet and not being able to eat that is killing me. So what do ya’ll think. Do I have a couple pieces and throw the bar away, throw the bar away un touched or have some and keep it for other dier needs? OR! do I eat the whole candy bar in the next hour?

HA HA HA EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND FARTS MY SON LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS EWWWWWW. HA! ITS GREAT.

Yesterday we were going to lunch with one of our suppliers at work to celebrate my moms birthday. She had my two nieces and their friend with them who are all between the ages of 13-15. I found my self crossed between embarrassed for them and embarrassed for me because I was once like them.

First! The makeup. One of the girls was already at my work when the other one got dropped off. Seriously faster then I could click send on my email they were locked in the bathroom glopping thick layers of black eye makeup on and gallons of shiny goopy lip gloss. It is extra amusing though because they still really have no clue about makeup so they do that thing where they use a BLACK! liner pencil and line the tops. AND. Bottoms of their eyes and then they smudge the top so they have that ultra sexy just got out of the pool runny raccoon eyes look that all the EMO boys find soooooo hot. This is the first time I realize just how old I’m getting. I realize this because the first words out of my mouth are, “Why do you need all that crap on your face? Wipe the crap off, you guys look weird!” Yeah, just call me grandma.

Then! I bring out Brandons new favorite CD which has that song from Madagascar, I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT and put it on the stereo. They immediately start dancing like they are at a techno club and closing their eyes and getting meaningful dance faces and ultra concentration looks on their faces. They are swirling their hands in the air and tilting their head to the side and trying with all their might to show off to the three older people in the room that they do in fact know how to dance REALLY! COOL!

Next! We all get into the car to go to Olive Garden and the three of them spend the whole car ride like this. “WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER WHISPER” The extra best part about this is that the two sisters have a total of like 43 brothers and sisters. (Really I think there is 8 kids total) so they spend a lot of time talking shit about each other. I am actually very close with them because there was a period in their lives where they came and lived with my family and we helped raise them. Soooo. When I hear one of them telling me what a terrible bitch Sally is and how she sooo did this with this one guy and it was way gross and how I would never do that I have to laugh when I later have her in the back of my car kissing Sally’s ass so bad I’m sure that her underwear must be stuck to her skin from all the gloopy lip gloss. Then it gets better. When she is like Sally can you believe that Emily told everyone you did this with that guy (wait I swear like an hour ago you were in my office and YOU were telling me that story not Emily. Ahhhhh the days of shit talking and ass kissing little kids.

Afterthat! We arrive at Olive Garden. First! they all three had to order the same drink (shirley temple) and then they ALL THREE just had to run off to pee together. Then they alllll had to order the exact same thing and then two of them made the other one feel bad because she actually finished her food and didn’t just take a few dainty bites and declare that SHEWASSOFULL and might pop this very second.

But! Finally!! They are done with their meal declaring that the chicken tenders and fries were LIKE TOTALLY THE!BEST!EVER!DUDE!!! The little shits pull out their purses. The only purpose of a 15 year olds purse is to pack around pounds of makeup and their three dollars for buying more makeup at the mall, and of course their student ID and! THEIR BACKSEAT DRIVERS LICENSE!!! So they pull out their super hip American Eagle bags and dump loads of makeup on the table and! proceed to do each others makeup right there at the restaurant’s table. As if this isn’t mortifying enough for me they next pull out their FULL SIZE BRUSHES and begin to preen each other right there. There is hair flying and I’m going to vomit at the whole thought of it.

It was at this moment I realized it. I’m no longer hip! I want to shed a tear for my old high school dumb ass self. The one who was so confident in myself as long as I had my trusty GUESS purse strapped to my side at all times. The one who didn’t care that my jeans were either four sizes to big or five sizes to small as long as they were a cool brand. The one who totally didn’t understand that you don’t wear skater shoes with sparkly dress up shirts. I am now a mom A.K.A. old fuddy duddy. I could feel the lameness swirling around me the way Tums swirl in my stomach when I eat something red.

Woe is me.

I came home today and my house was spotless. But! Wait! Theres! More! HE VACUUMED PEOPLE. Whoah. I couldn’t believe it. My husband is amazing. In the 5 years we have been together I think this is only the second time he has vacuumed. Then he even offered to give my son a bath. Am I dreaming here? It was amazing.

Are you jealous?

YOU SHOULD BE!!!!

I married a wonderful man!

On to other stuff. I went to the gym yesterday and upped my time to 40 minutes. Only problem is 20 minutes into it I was bored out of my mind. Not to mention the TV thingamajigy on my machine didn’t work so I was left to listen to my music and people watch. Enter problem number two. There was no one at the gym so I couldn’t even make fun of people to myself. GOSH! I’m working really hard at trying to sucker Stephanie to getting a membership at my gym and leaving hers in the dust. Only problem is she is UBER busy so she would probably never have the chance to go with me.

I have managed to go almost five days without a soda or bread and I’m kind of freaking out here. We went to the Olive Garden today and I didn’t have a breadstick or pasta. Are you kidding me? NOT EVEN ONE BREADSTICK. BUT WAIT! Theres More! There were two bowls of croûtons brought to the table because everyone was fighting over them. TWO! as in, not one but two. One on each side of me. I wanted to jump right out the window, only, we were in a single story building so, really! I wouldn’t have accomplished shit. Right! Then, yes! THEN! I noticed that they had added THREE, thats one more then the bowl of croûtons, THREE NEW FABULOUS DESERTS. One of them was a chocolate soufflé with chocolate sauce on the top set on top of a vanilla cream sauce with raspberry’s next to it. Well fuck me! I only got to look at the deliciousness on the menu. No one at my damn table even had the decency to order it, eat it and declare it trash. There was some kind of apple cinnamon bread pudding stuff that looked like it would for sure be happiest in my belly and a new Lemon cake that looked so light and fluffy I’m sure I would have floated away just eating it. I HATE OLIVE GARDEN! What a bunch of jerks. Oh wait I did notice AFTER I went there and was on their website that they offer gluten free dishes. Fat lot of good that did me as I sat there eating three bowls of salad because it said no where on the menu gluten free ANYTHING.

I came home and made some dinner. Since I’m counting calories I made some homemade Spanish style brown rice. It was actually pretty tasty for a low calorie dish. I guess that is the good part about loving to cook. Diets aren’t really all that bad when I’m creating some pretty good shit here.

My cousin Angelique is so funny. She is one of my two loyal blogger buddies who come read my blog daily and she’s so cute because she messages me if I go more then a day with out blogging. To be perfectly honest it makes me feel special that someone wants to come read my mindless brain dribble.

Tomorrow Stephanie and I are supposed to workout. She is coming as a guest. I’m flipping the fuck out because she is super in shape and all I RUN 5 MILES and I’m all RUN, WHAT? ARE WE RUNNING AFTER THE ICE CREAM TRUCK? There are only a few times in life I run. When I hear my son cry. When I’m scared. When I’m on the other side of my work and the phone rings and when someone yells FREE CHOCOLATE FOR THE FAT GIRLS. The gym, however under no circumstances counts as a situation where I feel it is necessary to run. I prefer my lovely low impact elliptical machine. I work out on there and almost break a sweat and feel like I’m getting totally fit! Go me! But! then some skinnny litte chic gets on the treadmill and starts running at full speed like a champ and all I’m thinking is, “Is this bitch here just to show off her cute little body and get compliments when she complains about her invisible cellulite and fake flab1” Don’t even get me started on the weights. A couple weeks ago someone actually laughed at me when I set the machine to my measly 30 lbs. HE LAUGHED! I wanted to cry. Instead I just rushed home and ate some ice cream.

I’m done now. This blog is boring and uninteresting and has no real direction. I’m out people.