I put up one of my most favorite songs, so click out of your reader, turn up your speakers and listen. It 100% goes with the post below.
(Sorry Who fans, but the Bizkit is my favorite version)
I put up one of my most favorite songs, so click out of your reader, turn up your speakers and listen. It 100% goes with the post below.
(Sorry Who fans, but the Bizkit is my favorite version)
Someone asked me recently, "why did you have two kids if you need to take medicine to deal with them?" I didn’t reply because, well the reply would have taken hours. The first thing is my kids are absolutely not the reason I am taking medication. The demons in my head are. Long before I had kids I had these demons. Demons that made me go to sleep on the couch in my living room with the front door wide open, while I lived alone because I didn’t care what could happen. Demons who could squash my overwhelming fear of the dark and make me go out at midnight walks never fearing what could happen. Demons that would make me pull out pictures of my dead grandma and look at them until I cried. Demons that made me go to the coroners office and ask for my dads autopsy report just so I could cry over it all.
Before children were even in my future, before my husband, I was crazy. I have books and books of poetry to prove it. I would be up and then suddenly I was in my room with sad music on repeat writing in a journal trying to make my self more sad, because during those times sadness was the only emotion I could understand. It was these feelings that would make me pour vodka in my snapple before math class my Junior year. These feelings that made me drink around the corner from school on my break before English.
I am notorious for picking fights. Ask my husband how many times I will just pop off and be a jerk to him. Pick a fight, make something bigger then it needs to be. I do it because then I’m comfortable. I’m okay when there is tension, I’m okay crying because to me it feels normal. When I met Rob I played all of my old games. The poor me’s, the feel sorry for me and the, you have no idea what it’s like to be me. My husband basically told me to stuff it up my ass, suck it up and be a man. He was the first person who flat out refused to get down with me. Every guy I’d ever dated before him had no problem wallowing in a depression with me. I had a friend like me. If we were down at the same time it was like a drug to us. How drunk and sad could we get? How much wine could we drink in the drive from my house to the Verdi exit?
Then I had Brandon. But I didn’t stop. The last straw was on a forth of July when I got trashed with my husband and his friend, and, since my parents were watching Brandon we piled in the car, with me driving and went speeding around the block looking for a beer pong table my husband thought he had seen. The next morning I realized what I had done, realized what my son could have lost and straightened up. Up until the second Codi was born, I was a great mom. I never yelled, Brandon and I had a great bond and I thought I was succeeding at parenting. I think honestly that after Codi I did have some post partum depression, which might have stemmed from having my tubes tied. Whatever the reason, immediately after Codi I snapped. I became a yeller. Not even a yeller but a screamer. I screamed and screamed at Brandon. Never when anyone was there, because I wanted to still appear to be mom of the year.
However, deep inside I knew it had to stop. I began running, getting healthy and working on myself. However, during this time after a long string of events I’m not ready to go into my husband and I decided, after much thought that we would have to file bankruptcy. Yes. We are filing bankruptcy. I am 27 and my credit is gone. It is trashed. My husbands credit that was always above 760 is gone. Then the remodel on the house started. I stopped eating right, there was no time to run, my life was chaos, my house was broken into and I had to face the humiliation of knowing we were filing bankruptcy. Everything spiraled. I was done and I knew it. I counted the days until I could wean. This time I knew I wasn’t coming out of this.
Are there times my kids make me so crazy I want a valium or an Ativan? YES! But not because of them. I am rational enough to know that they are normal 3 and 15 month old kids. What isn’t normal is my reaction. It isn’t normal that I still scream at Brandon. That I cover my ears, put my head down and cry because I feel like I’m not doing this right. Times when I want to grab Brandon and throw him through a wall simply because he won’t put his socks on fast enough. These are not NORMAL reactions. None of these things have to do with having kids. They have to do with the demons in my head.
Some people muse that my sperm donor father killing himself is what triggered my down fall. I honestly don’t know. I feel like I was born with the monsters in my head, and they were waiting to come out. Losing my grandma was the worst spiral of all. I have never, EVER EVER admitted this to my mom, but the day my grandma died I drove to her house, walked in, grabbed her pack of Marlboro Reds and started smoking. Shanna encouraged it and before I knew it her and I were getting drunk and lighting up menthol cigarettes. I smoked for 9 months. Until I met Rob. On our trip to Monterey he told me he wanted me to stop. He didn’t want a girlfriend who smoked. So, I did. A few people knew, my cousin, Katie, Shanna, and Ginger. In fact, Ginger learned the day she met me at the hospital when my grandma died, and I sat out front of Saint Mary’s ER on the red curb and lit up a cigarette. She didn’t say a word. She knew better. She knew I was out of my fucking mind and nothing was bringing me back. Every time I drive or walk by there now I think of that moment. I think of smoking the same pack of cigarettes my grandma was smoking the moment she died. My uncle knew too. On the way from my cousins wedding to her reception, he and I shared a cigarette and I thought, this is okay, because it’s in my legacy to be the fuck up of the family.
Why does my mom not know this? Because I lied. I lied because that is what I used to do. Lie until I believed it was all true. I’m filing bankruptcy because I lied and hid things from my parents and didn’t let them know I was drowning financially. I lied, because I was young and stupid and I was never smart enough to realize my mom could be my best friend if I just told the truth and gave her the chance. I lied, and lied until I didn’t know what was real and what was fake. I lied, because I was afraid to admit who I was. Afraid to admit I was this fucked up little person who wasn’t right in the head.
You see. I’m fucked up in the head. There is more too, more that I won’t talk about yet, because it isn’t time. But you should know I have made stupid mistakes. Done stupid things because in my mind I felt like my dad left a legacy that I was destine to follow. That my mistakes were okay because i was his daughter, and everyone expected me to fail anyway. My grandma (not the one who died, another one) expected me to be barefoot and pregnant before I graduated high school. And if I did, it would have been excused, because I was Ricks daughter, and Rick was an idiot. Some day, I hope I can feel comfortable enough to really open up on here. For now, I’m already going to get in enough trouble for admitting I smoked.
So. No, having kids is not why I’m on medication. Well, no that isn’t true. Having them, is, because they are the reason I want to be normal. I want to see the light. I want to be okay and happy. I want to be the best mom I can for them. I want them to look back on every second of their lives and remember that they had the best mom ALL the time, not just when other people were looking. I want to break the legacy. I want to do a good job and raise two amazing boys and leave this earth with everyone wondering how on earth Shannon pulled it all off. I want to be the one who changes it. Who breaks the mold. Who deals with the demons face on and says FUCK off monsters in my head I’m going to be happy. I’m going to do this. I’m going to be strong.
So there you have it. The nitty gritty. Why I’m taking Zoloft. Why I can’t wait to finally get in to see a doctor so I can get a valium or Atavan prescription. Because this monster isn’t taking me down with it!
EDITED TO ADD: My mom wanted to leave a comment on this. However since some of you read me only via readers, you don’t get a chance to see some really good comments I get. So, here is my moms comment which gives you more insite into me!
"Shannon one time when you were at Girl Scout camp your dad tried to take his life by cutting his wrist. It landed him in a hospital for a long time. He promised you he would never try that again.
It was around midnight when you were only 12 that I got the call he had killed him self with a bag over his head. I was up all night wondering how to tell you when you got up to go to school Kirk and I came into you room sat down on your bed to tell you, when we did you got up went to your closet to get you clothes. I asked you want you were doing and you said going to school. We told you that you didn’t have to but you wanted to see your friends. It’s seemed from then on you never really talked about it you just kept it inside. I always felt since a parent let you down you just never trusted adults any more. You also found out that he had pictures of his kids next to him but not one of you. I don’t know why he loved you so much but at the time I think he was trying to put the jab to his wife and make her suffer and he was not thinking of you.
I remember going to his funeral and coming home to find the neighbors dog in your rabbit pin and your bunny dead it was just so much for one little girl to deal with in one day.
Then you turned 18 and moved out and went down and got his autopsy report and that did it. I don’t know if any of your readers have ever read one but it told what drugs he was on, how much he weighed, it even told you how long his little thing was all kinds of stuff I didn’t think you should read but you did.
Then came the death of your grandma at 19 and I think that is what put you in the dark place your in.
You found out last year where your brother and sisters are and contacted them only to be turned away.
Then there is my family and I can’t even go it to all their shit they pulled on you last year.
You have 2 boys that are like fucking Tarzan and his son if Tarzan had a son
You have taken on baby-sitting your best friends son whom you could only wish some of him would rub off on your two boys.
Then there is your money trouble that you’re not alone with. Times are hard when you were in school learning about recession I’m sure you never thought you would live through one.
So for all that I’m sure you have more then one Demon in your head. You just have to say strong. I remember when I put you in Kick Boxing and you would come home with you knuckles’ bleeding from hitting the bag so hard. You put so much into your work outs it was like you was looking at that bag and seeing every Demon that ever fucked with you. Maybe you just need to go back to it so you have something to take it all out on. Something you can just hit really hard and someone to push you to hit harder. Always know Kirk and I are here for you and there isn’t any you could tell us that would sock us or you would be in trouble for. Like I said after your dad you just quit talking to us. If any thing I’m glad you can trust me even if in your own way you talk to me on this bolg.
Love you with all my heart mom
P.S. I’m glad you have Rob and I’m glad I have Rob too. I’m also glad you have your 2 very best friends Ginger and Katie who I know will always be by your side."
The chicken version can be found here, along with a printable version.
This was my first time cooking with tofu. I know, I’m a vegetarian and I don’t cook with tofu. It has always kind of intimidated me. BUT NO MORE! I made the most tantalizing curry tofu the other night. I’m having some for lunch today too! The recipe can be found here, along with a printable version!
I was watching Food Detectives this morning when an interesting story came on. How do manufacturers get color in their foods? I was appalled at one answer and did some research of my own. The following is taken from a Website called Natural News"
"Ground up beetles found in yogurt — carmine serves as insect-based food coloring ingredient"
"This is not a joke: there are ground up red beetles being used right now as a food coloring ingredient in yogurt, ice cream, juice drinks and many other grocery products. The ingredient is called "carmine."
Carmine is literally made from dried, ground-up red beetles, and its coloring (bright red) is used in yogurt, juice drinks, candies, and a long list of other products, including many "natural" products.
It’s not that these red beetles are dangerous. Except for a few individuals who suffer severe allergic reactions to the beetles, most people do just fine eating carmine. Beetles are probably good for you, just like ants. High in protein, low in fat… you get the picture.
But there’s a grossness factor that probably explains why products using this ingredient list "carmine" instead of "powdered red beetles" on the label. The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) has even petitioned the FDA to ban carmine(1), or, at the very least, require its clear labeling. The CSPI cites a study conducted by the doctors at the University of Michigan (headed by Dr. Baldwin, University of Michigan Medical Center) that demonstrated carmine can cause a severe allergic reaction known as anaphylaxis — a condition that can put a person into shock and require hospitalization. But these reactions are extremely rare.
WHY DO MANUFACTURERS USE CARMINE?
People tend to buy foods that look good. The redder the juice drink, for example, the more "alive" it looks. That’s why we pick bright-red apples and bright-orange oranges in the grocery store. The vibrant colors tell us, "This is ripe and healthy!"
It’s no surprise, then, that consumers purchase food products with vibrant colors. Carmine adds this vibrancy and color to foods, making them more appealing to consumers. In other words, if it looks good, we are more apt to buy it.
There are also technical reasons why carmine is a useful food coloring. If you’re curious about what the food manufacturers say about carmine, read: http://www.foodproductdesign.com/ar…
HOW IS CARMINE MADE / WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?
Most carmine used in the United States is imported from Peru and the Canary Islands. They are harvested as follows (Quoted from: www2.labs.agilent.com/botany/cacti_etc/html/news7.html):
"The insects are carefully brushed from the cacti… and placed into bags. The bags are taken to the production plant and there, the insects are then killed by immersion in hot water or by exposure to sunlight, steam or the heat of an oven. It is to be noted that the variance in appearance of commercial cochineal is caused by the different methods used during this process. It takes about 70,000 insects to make one pound (454 gm) of cochineal. The body of one coccineal is said to contain between 18-20% of carminic acid.
The part of the insect that contains the most carmine is the abdomen that houses the fertilized eggs of the coccineal. Once dried, a process begins whereby the abdomens and fertilized eggs are separated from the rest of the anatomical parts. These are then ground into a powder and cooked at temperatures in excess of 212? F (100? C) to extract the maximum amount of color. This cooked solution is filtered and through special processes that cause all carmine particles to precipitate to the bottom of the cooking container. The liquid is removed and the bottom of the container is left with pure carmine."
Yum. Not exactly what you had in mind when you were eating yogurt, was it? The most appetizing part of this description has to be, "…the abdomens and fertilized eggs are separated from the rest of the anatomical parts…"
I went and raided my fridge and I was thrilled to see my Yoplait had red #40 in it which as snopes points out is made from good ole coal and is bug free. However after reading another article on AOL about other foods that are color enhanced I also discovered that "artificial color" could also mean BUGS with out them saying it. If you would like to read further to see what other common foods you eat that are fed coloring, click into this article.
Finally this blogger wrote to Yoplait and Dannon themselves and received responses from both, Dannon even sent a list of all of their yogurts containing ground up bugs. To see their response and list click here.
Other foods with carmine: pink lemonades, grapefruit juices, maraschino cherries, and Tropicana Orange Strawberry Banana Juice.
I think I will stop eating red food from now on unless it is specifically labeled that it is dyed with beet juice or red #40 and no NATURAL COLORING. While it seems not all flavors of Yoplait have this dye in it, I just feel like there is no way to be sure or trust them. I’m off to trash my Yoplait that almost had me fooled! And also puke!
*I want to make a note. I’m not actually bothered there are bugs in the food. Yes, I understand that animals are a normal part of society in food. What bothers me the most is the way it is labeled. I am frustrated that food companies can’t just be honest. While researching this I was shocked to find that there are a number of people allergic to this beetle and they don’t know they have ingested it until they have a reaction, simply because the label said, "natural coloring." As a vegetarian it bugs me that things can’t be labeled honestly. My sons pediasure has taurine in it. If I was raising him a vegetarian I would be pretty annoyed to discover that. I only know that taurine is an animal product because someone passed this random fact on to me, not because it is common knowledge. I guess I just believe people deserve honesty in food. Which is why I usually spend a little more money on organics…and I prefer to cook my own dinner from scratch then wonder what is in my food.
*Natural News http://www.naturalnews.com/001529.html
*Pigments through the ages shows great pictures of the beetle and process
As you all know I am totally against spanking, hitting, slapping etc when it comes to kids. I have gotten better about other people doing it. If you spank, fine don’t talk to me about it. If you do it in front of me I have gotten really good at turning around, counting to ten and calming down rather then decking you in the face to see how you like it.
That being said, you must wonder what I do to my kids. Spanking parents will say, "you better knock it off or you will get a spanking." Most likely your kid stops. But me, I don’t spank and time out is worthless now so what do I do?
I’ve held off telling you this forever because I’m sure someone is going to tell me I am a monster who is going to totally fuck up their kid for life, but seriously if you make it through parent hood and you haven’t fucked up your kid just a little, consider yourself a failure.
Brandon is absolutely 100% terrified of vacuums. Even dustbusters. One day Rob was vacuuming and Brandon ran screaming. About 10 minutes later he grabbed a toy from Codi thus making Codi scream. I told him to give it back and he shouted NO! Rob turned around and as a joke pointed the vacuum wand at him and within seconds Brandon had given that toy back.
Hmmmm. He might be on to something. So now, when Brandon is being a shit head, you might here me say, "you better knock if off or I’ll get the vacuum."
Is it mean? Yes? Do I care? NO! Is my kid probably going to grow up having some kind of vacuum disorder? Sure. But who cares, his future wife can deal with it when she goes to vacuum the table and her husband goes running in the closet to hide.
Last week we were at Walmart and Brandon had gone way past shit head and moved on to "your being such a shit head mommy needs a valium and shot of Jager to handle you." I begged him to be good. I said there would be no park after, that he couldn’t see papa later, that he couldn’t have desert. NOTHING WORKED. He was pushing all of my buttons and making it worse, the little fucker was laughing because he knew I was defenseless.
Then it hit me!
"Brandon, do you know what they sell here?
"Big big vacuums too!"
The remainder of the trip he was the most well behaved angel child I’ve ever seen in my life. Score one for mom!
I’ve never actually had to go get the vacuum, he’s never pushed me that far. Once, the other morning after 45 minutes of me telling him to put on his goddamn fucking clothes for school I had totally had enough. He was jumping on his bed playing around saying "you can’t make me" and laughing with Codi as he threw his socks and shirt out his room and said "na na na na." I had enough. I marched downstairs, reached up to the shelf that had the dust buster on it and turned it on. I didn’t even take it off the holder just turned it on. 34 seconds later my child came down fully dressed, shoes and all, his dirty jammies in the hamper like a good child!
I giggled, grabbed the keys and headed out the door feeling like I had triumphed just this one morning.
So. There you have it. My dirty little secret. I use electronics to whip my kid into shape!
Aside from spanking how do you get your kids to listen? Do you have any special bribes that you use to make your kids listen? Tell me, what works for you and your kids?
Hey y’all check out the food blog. I’ve updated it and revamped it making it prettier!
Let me know what you think!
Dinner tonight started out as this. However, as I opened my refrigerator I saw some bell peppers, and some spinach and I didn’t feel like tortilla and something acidic sounded nice so….well the rest is history. There are times in the winter where I just get sick of the cold. I want to feel warm. I want to remember summer, and grilling, and sitting outside relaxing. Sometimes my answer is to cook a nice summery meal, close my eyes and pretend. This salad hit the spot exactly! It was even filling enough for my carnivore husband.
Also I’m working on making printable versions of my recipe, below is a sample. When you visit the food blog you can view and print it on 8.5 x 11 paper.
Shannon Mateo: I need a pie
2:25:25 PM Ginger Peppard: need a pie? a whole one?
2:25:52 PM Shannon Mateo: yeah a choclate cream pie
2:25:53 PM Shannon Mateo: a whole one
2:25:54 PM Shannon Mateo: and a fork
2:29:31 PM Ginger Peppard: hmmmm
2:29:34 PM Ginger Peppard: that does sound good
2:29:44 PM Shannon Mateo: fucking tell me the fucking fuck about it
2:29:50 PM Shannon Mateo: with a chaser of salad and corn bread and another pie
2:30:18 PM Ginger Peppard: ok, I have to be headed off, I have a few errands to run then I need to show my face in teh office at some point in time today for a little bit
2:30:19 PM Ginger Peppard: lol
2:30:24 PM Shannon Mateo: K HAVE FUN
Exactly 1 hour later:
And this my friends, is why Ginger got a huge giant giggly shouty squeeling hug out of me! And you guys, this shit was so good it permiated the depths of my soul. All the way down to my toes.
I love you Ginger!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!