A text conversation via my husband and I

(First you should know he just had new black rims put on his car.  He loves his car.  I think his chain of love goes:

Kids

Car

Super Burrito

Wife)

 

Me: Promise not to yell at me

Me: I drove over a curb pulling into my drs office.  But I don’t think I hurt anything.  Please don’t get mad

Me: K going into dr

(At this point I am aware he is not responding because he is driving at work. So I keep pushing)

Me: I don’t see any scratches or anything so I think it’s okay.  I’m so short in your car I didn’t even see the corner

Husband: WTF Shannon.  How fast were you going!?! Dammit Shannon.  That fucks up alignment and bends rims

(I’m now in the doctors office waiting room and I bust out in full laughter.  I’m at the shrink, apparently laughter is not welcome in the waiting room…I keep pushing)

Me: No it doesn’t look bent.  Or even scratched just the tire is a little scuffed.

(I am smart, I know exactly what to say to get to him)

Husband: Out of all the times to do shit you wait for me to get new rims unti you hit curbs.  That’s really not cool.

Husband: Fuck

Me: Please don’t yell I didn’t mean to

Me: I was just rushing to get here and just turned to quick

(I knew this would REALLY piss him off, he always says I drive his car too fast)

Husband: Yeah that’s why I’m upset.  I know you weren’t going slow around the turn

Me: I’m sorry please don’t be mad I said sorry

THEN I CLEARLY TYPE OUT THE FOLLOWING TEXT

Me: Happy April 1 (with 4 red exclamation points a heart, a happy face emoticon laughing so hard he is crying a kissy face emoticon and 6 more hearts)

COULD I HAVE BEEN ANY MORE CLEAR?

Husband: (Clearly too pissed to notice what I just wrote) Shannon the reason I’m mad is becuz I know how you drive and I know that you weren’t going slow around the turn.  And for you to say you were rushing makes it even worse.  If ur late then ur late.  No point in driving faster becuz thats when shit happens just like that.

(I’m in doctors so I don’t reply)

Husband: You ignoring me now?

I get out of the doctor and I’m laughing so hard because I know he has now sat there for a full hour and a half and stewed on the fact that I just fucked up his precious car!  So I call him.

Me: Hi

Husband: What

Me: (stifling laughter): Are you still mad

Husband: Yes, what

Me: Ummm, you know when I wrote happy April 1 that meant April Fools right?

Husband: Oh fuck you!  I have to go.  You suck.  BYE

Commence texting

Husband: Ha ha. F u!! Joking about my car is like joking about our kids!! YOU DON’T DO IT!!  Good one though

Me: I’ve been laughing so hard

Husband: Not cool I’ve been cussing you out so much to my friend that helped me on that run I hate you.

Me: I am champion

Me: I’m, so awesome awesome.  I’m so awesome awesome.  You know Elliots (from Scrubs) I told you so dance, I’m doing that but saying I’m so awesome.  Seriously laughing so hard I am the master.

Husband: yeah yeah yeah

Me: Still laughing

Husband: grrrr I’m still mad at you thinking you hit a curb

Me: I’m walking on air I’m laughing so hard.  I really expected YOU of all people to know I was April fooling you

Husband: Yeah but when you say something happened to my car or our kids I don’t care what date it is I totally spaced the date

Me: LAUGHING MY ASS OFF EMOTICON

Husband: GIANT FIST PUNCHING EMOTICON along with F U!

Husband: Poop emoticon

Me: Kissy face, still laughing babe

 

Did I gloat enough?  I’m really not sure.  I think I should gloat some more today.  I am so proud of myself.  I am thrilled.  He always always fucks with me and this time I got him.  GOOD TOO!  I am a master!  

He always says when he stops picking on me I’ll know he stopped loving me, so babe, I got you good enough you should know ME STILL LOVE YOU LONG TIME!

The other day I mentioned that Codi fell on his face while pushing his little stroller outside.

 

Here is the aftermath.  Look at the size of that goose egg.  You should have seen that thing the next day.  Whoah is all I can say.  The saddest part is how much fun he was having.  i mean just look at all the dirt on his face.  I don’t know about you, but I think dirt on a kid face denotes having  FANTASTIC TIME!

The worst part is, the next night he ran into a door jam.  He now has a matching goose egg on the other side of his head.  Then he was in a bouncy chair of Dylans screwing around and launched himself backwards on his head.  Another day he decided to launch himself off the two stairs in the laundry room and cracked the back of his head.  Just now he peed on the floor and then slipped on it and bruised his ass.  Oh and he is teething so he is kind of pissed off about that.  Let’s not forget his nose won’t stop running so every fucking time I wipe it the damn thing starts to bleed where he scraped it.  It’s a damn never healing scratch.  This poor kid.  It’s like he is a walking ouch maker!  The dirty tears under his eyes just kill me too.  I mean, really how sad is that?  Oddly he was totally unaffected by it all and was ready to play right away!  I on the other hand needed to sit down and breath for a second so I could get the sound of his head smacking into the concrete out of my mind.