THE ONE WHO PEES ON MY DESK

 

AND THE ONE WHO CALLS ME A BUTT LICKER

I haven’t talked much about Codi’s teeth on here, because really how interesting are teeth? I know you are all sitting there obsessively refreshing your readers hoping that today I will talk about teeth, or ooo maybe even ear wax right?

No.

Hmmm.

Anyway. Brushing Brandons teeth was always easy. He LOVED having his teeth brushed. He would walk around with his toothbrush all happy and what not. When it was time for us to brush them he would stand on his stool and proudly let us brush. And while, now he is a little more difficult about it, when he was little he was the champion of teeth brushing kids.

Then there is Codi. Brushing his teeth is, similar to trying to give a cat a bath. You need approximately eleventy billion hands, a very large dose of patience and as of today some gloves. Because today that little fucker bit me. He bit me hard enough to draw blood.

In order to brush his teeth I have to first laying him over my knees. Then tuck one arm between him and my body. Then lean over to secure that arm and put my left elbow over his other arm. Then I have to use my left hand to attempt to pry his mouth open. After that I have to coerce him to stop biting the goddamn toothbrush because I can’t brush your fucking teeth when you have clamped down on it like the jaws of life. Then I have to try and maneuver around his tongue because as soon as I start trying to brush his bottom teeth he instantly starts shoving his tongue out of his mouth over his teeth and down his chin. This turns into a tongue thrust competition and before I know it he is spitting and gnashing and thrashing and I have finally gotten one whole tooth brushed.

But today, when he bit me I swear I thought, you know, maybe cavities aren’t so bad. Maybe yellow teeth will become all the rage soon and Codi will be totally fashionable. Because my God I don’t know if I can do this shit two times every day for the next 5 years.

 

BUT WAIT IT GETS BETTER

Today.  My mom thinks it would be funny to let Codi run around the office naked because she "swears" he wants to go potty on the potty.  So.  He walked over to the potty and tried really hard to potty.  He even got some in the potty.  Then, he walked over a chair, climbed on the chair, climbed on top of my desk, stood up, danced around like Axel Rose for a second and then…

HE PEED ON MY DESK!!!!

On my phone, my pencil holder, my papers my staple remover, everywhere.  What does my mom do?

Laughs!

She laughed. 

They are both assholes!

The other night Codi woke up crying.  He often does this around 3-4:00am.  Usually at this time I bring him in my bed.  He was sniffing a lot and sucking a lot of snot.  I reached around groggily, grabbed a tissue and wiped his nose.  A half hour later I heard it again, sniffle sniffle, choke, gag.  I grabbed more tissue, wiped his nose and we both fell back asleep.  That morning when I woke up in the sunlight I looked over to see my babies face covered in BLOOD.

Please contact me for my address so you can send my mother of the year award.  Yes, in my sleepiness I mistook a bloody nose for a stuffy nose and left my son bleeding all over himself.  I felt awful.  Y’all I can’t even tell you how terrible I felt seeing his entire face, hands and ears covered in blood.  

As payback for being the worlds shittiest mom I noticed that not only was my baby covered in blood but so was my bed.  Upon further inspection I also noticed, his entire bed, pillows, and special blanky soaked in blood.  I got your message God, I suck as a mom, thanks for the mess.

I immediately set to work washing the boys sheets.  Between work and dishes and cooking I didn’t get to mine.  So today I spent time washing my sheets.  My entire bed has been laundered.  

Which means.  I had to take a shower.  Yes.  The same way I HAVE to put my socks on before my jeans, I MUST enter clean sheets with freshly shaved legs.  Yes.  I MUST!.

In fact, I remember Emery posting about the time she got new soft sheets on her blog.  My only comment was TAKE A SHOWER AND SHAVE THOSE LEGS STAT!  Clean sheets, especially soft brand new ones can only be fully enjoyed with freshly shaved legs. 

Which is why I just had to run upstairs and shower.  Then of course I had to slather myself in the bestest smelling body butter I own.  Finally I walked over and smoothed the sheets.  Fluffed the pillows and closed the door.  No dirty kids were going to tarnish my delicious Apple Mango Tango scented sheets (see, sick obsessions as mentioned above, must have apple mango tango always).

I can’t wait for night to come.  To hop in to my exorbitantly soft flannel sheets and snuggle up in my sweet smelling blanky. 

Oh yes folks, tonight is going to KICK ASS!

 

So tell me.  Do you have any ticks?  What are your strange habits or rituals? 

And, if you haven’t already, go wash those sheets, shave those legs and then, come back and tell me what a fucking genius I am!

From my journal

03.15.09

"Wusthoff.

For as long as I can remember that has defined me.  My passion for cooking.  A rigid knife.  I always loved wusthoff.  After all my grandpa told me they made the best knife.  And since for the longest time my grandpa hung the moon when it came to cooking why wouldn’t I believe him?  

Shun.

Came a note in my inbox one day.  to quote, "everything starts and ends with Shun." Could it be?  Could this acquaintance be right.  Was there something better out there then what I had always known?  I drove to Williams Sonoma and wanted to try it out, but they aren’t’ very customer friendly so I let it go and forgot.

Shun, Shun, Shun.  It kept nagging  my mind.  My grandpa had always used Wusthoff.  I could remember him telling the story of Wusthoff and Henckle being brothers, they got in a fight and separated, creating two different companies.  One was superior, Wusthoff.  He knew all about the knife why wouldn’t I trust him?

Yesterday Ginger and I took a cooking class and there it was.  The Shun 7" Hollow ground santuko.  I asked Laura the instructor if I could try it.  I picked it up and it fit my hand the way my favorite pair of jeans always fit.  I knew right away I was going to abandon all I had ever known.  That possibly the reason my grandpa spent his life miserably fighting with his family was his fear of change.  I wasn’t following him.  If it felt good why wouldn’t I do it.

So I bought it.  Brought it home and set it on my counter and it felt…right.  It felt like home.  And for the first time in ages I felt like maybe change was good.  Maybe leaving my comfort zone is what I’ve needed.  It’s silly but I felt like this decision solidified my decision to separate from my grandpa.  Suddenly his story meant more.  He was Wusthoff and I was Shun.  We disagreed and separated and I rose to be superior, happier, more free, clear minded, where I belonged.

It’s silly how a small change makes you feel you can change more.  On my way to Raleys today the I found myself driving the same road that only two weeks ago had sent me spiraling.  Half way up Arrowcreak I felt it.  The tightening, the clenching, the signs of a panic attack.  Then I thought of the fresh limes,cilantro, ripe tomatoes and red fresno peppers in my trunk.  The freshest foods in my trunk waiting to go to my house.  To be made into dinner.

The red fresno.  Not a jalapeno.  At Whole Foods earlier I had made a choice, to step away from my usual jalapeno and try something different.

Choice.

I had choices.  I could keep heading up this road, find myself in tears, angry and crying or I could turn left, go to Raleys, but the rest of my ingredients and go home to my new knife.  Make my fresh meal for my family and laugh and relax. 

Choice.

I had the choice.

I thrust the wheel to the left and I’m writing from the Raleys parking lot.  Today for the first time in 10 years I chose to rise above it.  I chose to follow my heart.  I chose to believe change is good.  I’m choosing to let go.  To sever old ties.  To move on.  To see I might be stronger letting go of the ties that used to bind me.  Walking away from the familiar and stepping out into the open.

Today when I pick up that knife and slice into that lime I’m going to breath.  

Yes.  Today I am going to breath."

 

To see what I made for dinner that night, click here

http://tasteytemptations.blogspot.com/2009/03/low-fat-grilled-chicken-tacos-with.html

 

Two days later, the though of seeing my grandpa at an upcoming family even this weekend inspired the next entry.  I was interrupted by a doctor appointment.

03.17.09

"I’m going to break.  I can’t do this today.  Today was supposed to be good, happy, fun.  Not like this.  Not like hands are clamping down on my heart making my blood slow.  The heat is taking over my body.  The anger, the hurt, the sadness of the upcoming weekend, having to see them.  These people who discarded me.  Who blew off my kids, who played games with me and my children.  The anger that I’m expected to play nice.  It hurts that I have to pretend to be okay.  I am not okay, I am mad."

Then the doctor walked in.  I had so much more I wanted to write that day.  So much more about how upset I am that my grandparents both chose to blow of my childs 3rd birthday because they didn’t want to see my mom and fight with her.  Yet they have the audacity to come to their other grandchilds birthday knowing my mom will be there.  Knowing I will be there.  As if they enjoy shoving it in my face that they chose another side.  That they are playing the same head games they always have.  The game of who do I love more this week.  I’m angry that my children will see them and recognize them and want to say hi to them not knowing they are saying hi to the same people who tried to use them as a pawn in their game.  I’m upset about it all.  However, I am satisfied I made the choice to walk away from them.   To never let the legacy of games continue.  To be strong enough to say NO!  NOT THIS TIME.  This time you will not fuck with my children the way you fucked with me so many years.  You will not use my children like pawns in the little board game of life you are playing.  I love my kids more then that.  I love them to much to ever see them go through what I went through.  To go through not being allowed to go to grandpas house because he wasn’t speaking to my side of the family this week and therefor not speaking to me, an innocent child.   My kids will never have to worry about trying to befriend grandpa while fearing the rest of the family will be mad because this week they were the hated ones.  There will be no head games over money, wills, possessions and love.  My childrens birthdays will never again be filled with that uncomfortable feeling of who isn’t speaking to who.  It will be love, happiness and joy.  A celebration as it should be.

 

The stress of this coming weekend is ripping me apart.  Having to see these two people.  Who are coming for no reason other then to send me a big fuck you.  Who suddenly use pictures of their other grandchild as an avatar on their yahoo to cram it in my face.  Who suddenly want to be involved in lives they previously had no investment in, unless it was to trash them, and bash them and beat them down.  

Suddenly I am expected to go there and look them in the eye and not boil over with rage.

I am a bigger person though.  I respect the birthday, and the celebration.  I love my niece.  I love seeing my son play with her.  I will go, I will be bigger then them, I will not blow off my niece because of trivial family games the way they did to me.

I will go.  But I will hate them every second of the day.

 

(Don’t forget to enter my giveaway, here)

I often hear that I am so "lucky" to be able to take my kids to work with me.

 

Lucky…I’m not sure that is the word I would choose.

Welcome to my office.

So.  For a long time I’ve been that person who really didn’t have to do much with their face.  I washed it when I remembered and yet I still had a pretty great complexion.  After Brandon I started using Philosophy just for funnsies.  Thought maybe it was time to start doing some maintaining you know.  However.  Recently nothing has helped.  My face went into MASSIVE TEENAGE BOY BREAK OUT PHASE.  I got crazy and started trying out new products.  What I would do is go to Sephora and ask for samples of stuff.  Try it for a while and see what happened.  NOTHING WAS WORKING.  My face was screaming out mayday MAYDAY FOR FUCKS SAKE WOMAN FIX ME UP.

Last weekend I took a shower and spied a sample of some face lotion.  I was in a hurry so I grabbed it, slapped it on and went to work.  Literally over night my face had a noticeable difference.  The next morning I looked at it and vaguely remembered getting the sample but I tried it again.  it worked again.  This weekend I went up and purchased this set by Juice Organics.  Thus far, I love it.  LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!  I have been told it is a little hard on sensitive skin though, but I have tough skin so it works.  It smells good, feels good and my face is rocking that 9 month pregnant glow again. 

 

However, that doesn’t mean I abandon Philosophy.  I still say it is by far one of the best products ever.  Next to Philosophy I personally have always had a crush on Clinique.  Their face care products have always been phenomenal for a small price.  I’ve bought Clinique since I was a wee little girl from the age of 16.  It has always been consistent and never let me down. Make up wise, they are again my favorite.  I don’t wear make up often but when I do, I ALWAYS go to Clinique. 

 

I have decided to give away a Clinique skincare set.  You will get one gel cleanser, two mild face washes  and the moisturizing gel.  These are all wonderful products.  The gel is to be used a couple times a week, and the wash daily.  In order to win, please tell me, if you had $100.00 to spend where would you spend it and what exactly would you buy?  Entries will be accepted until Friday the 20th!

 

 

 

Yes!  I promised a give away Friday.  But y’all I just got so caught up in the business of being me I never got time to upload the photos.  Now I’m at work and the pictures are over there <——- at my house.  But it is coming today.  It’s a good one.  First I need to figure out what I’m going to make you do for it.  So, check back it will be up by 5pm my time which is…Reno time.

This morning I was trying to get Brandon dressed.  i was pleading with him to please just put his dirty underwear in the hamper.  He got all pissy with me the following is what took place:

Me: Brandon put your underwear in the hamper

Brandon: NO

Me: Brandon you don’t say no, just put your underwear in the hamper sheesh

Brandon: You don’t tell me what to do butt licker

Me: (Insert WHAT THE FUCK FACE HERE)

…….

Me: What did you just call me

Brandon: BUTT LICKER ::Breaks into fit of giggles::

Me: Brandon we don’t say that

Brandon: Yes we do, papa said it, and papa says it’s okay BUTT LICKER

 

Guess he put me in my place huh!