Read this whole thing with a snobby British accent

Hi. You know that scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphy is turning in his paper and he starts visioning the teachers reaction. She is so happy and jumping around declaring it the best thing ever? That is basically how a lot of what goes on in my head is. You see I’ll be sitting at my desk or in bed or changing a diaper or sitting on the think tank when suddenly an idea for a post will come to me. It will be hilarious. I’ll giggle to my self and say in my snobby British accent ah ha ha ha that is mauuuuvaless. I’ll write half of it in my head, pausing at the parts I know you will all laugh at. I’ll giggle and wonder to myself why in the hell I’m not famous for this blog shit yet. I’ll anticipate the enormous amount of comments I am going to get. Then I’ll wipe, flush and walk away and poof. ITS GONE. It’s at this time that you get blogs like this. Total and utter trash. It’s like I’mt sitting here wondering how in the fuck you guys even read me when I’m typing about fucking wiping?

Tonight after dinner the husband and I were unloading the dishwasher together. I put one of the plates away and a tiny chip went flying. I picked it up off the floor and apparently threw it in the sink. Why? I dunno, your guess is as good as mine. Thats not the funny part though. The funny part is just seconds later, SECONDS PEOPLE my husband said, “babe did you just throw that on the floor?” I was like NO! He’s like “where did you put it?” I was like in the trash duh. He looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind and said, “the trash huh, you put it in the trash?” I thought about it, looked on the floor to be sure and then said yup! He just stared at me. I didn’t get it. Then I turned looked in the sink and said, “hmm guess I threw it in the sink.” More staring. Then he was “like seriously you thought you threw it in the trash?” I was like yeah guess I forgot? Ya’ll I thought he was going to pass out from sheer confusion right then and there. Yeah, in a matter of about 4 seconds I actually forgot that I threw the plate chip in the sink. In fact, I think I actually didn’t forget I just plain didn’t know I did it. 20 minutes later he was still shaking his head at me, totally stunned. I guess I’ve confirmed what he already knew, his wife has totally lost her damn marbles.

You know, I think 10 years from now when I’m nice and thin I will be able to thank my kids. Know why? Because right now I don’t have anything naughty to eat in my house. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I really don’t want to wake up, dress and load up two kids, put them in the car, get them out of the car, drag them in the store and then back home you can bet my ass would be out the door so fast to go and grab a jar of hot fudge sauce and a jumbo spoon. If I didn’t have kids the oly thing that would slow me down would be waiting for the microwave to ding letting me know my fudge was now warm. This also mean that when my kids are older I’ll be able to ask them if they know how many fudge dunked spoons I gave up for their well being and precious sleep.

I’m watching a commercial for some new show where kids and their dads compete in Fear Factor like competitions. Let me just say if that was kids and moms, me and my kids would be broke fools! Pick up a scorpion for a million bucks, no thanks I’m sure we will all be able to live comfortably in a nice cardboard box. Shove my hands in a bucket of spiders? Ehh I don’t mind eating Spam for eternity. How about you, would you be able to win Fear Factor? Would you eat 5 pounds of horse intestine for a million? Actually what would you do for a million dollars?

Did you know I have to put my socks on before my pants? This poses quite the problem when I wake up warm and decide to forgo socks then later decide I want them. I am faced with a choice. Do I actually take my pants off, put socks on and then put pants back on? Or do I just put the damn socks on and spend hours feeling annoyed that I didn’t do it right? Usually I just change my whole outfit so then I feel justified putting the damn socks on.

Okay well I have to pee. That means I’ll be thinking in my snotty British accent. Last chance for questions. Next post is 1000. Remember you can ask me anything. You can ask about my first kiss, my favorite this or that, things I did in school. Go ahead ask me anything. I dare you to make me laugh or blush!

Lunch Break Treats

I’m sitting here on my lunch break at work eating some boring beans and browsing online for some new books to buy. I finally settled on these. I’m in desperate need of some new things to read, seems like I got stuck in a rut there. So here is what I’m going to pick up today after work.
Oprah Book Club® Selection, May 2000: In her still startling debut, The Good Mother, Sue Miller explored the premium we put on passion–and the terrible burden it places on a mother and child. Her fourth novel, While I Was Gone, is another study in familial crime and punishment. But this time, her wife and good mother is accessory to more than emotional malfeasance. Jo Becker has everything a woman could desire: a loving spouse, contented children, and a nice dog or two. When her New England veterinary practice takes on a new client, however, her past comes back to haunt her. Long ago, it seems, Jo had escaped her family and identity for a commune in Cambridge. Her Aquarian illusions came to an abrupt, bloody end when one of her housemates was brutally murdered. Now this unhappy era returns in the person of Eli Mayhew, who had been the odd man out in Jo’s boho household. His appearance is both tantalizing and upsetting: “Inside, I slowed down. I felt numbed. I had two last patients, and then I told Beattie to go home, that I’d close up…. I refiled the last charts, sprayed and wiped the examining table. I reviewed my list of routine surgeries for Wednesday. All the while I was thinking of Eli Mayhew, and of Dana and Larry and Duncan and me, and our lives in the house. Of the horrible way it had all ended.”

Relationships are brought to the limit in Delinsky’s splendid latest exploration of family dynamics. On a rainy night, Deborah Monroe and her teenage daughter, Grace, are driving home when their car hits a man. The victim, who turns out to be Grace’s history teacher, is unconscious but alive. Although Grace was driving, Deborah sends her home and takes responsibility for the accident when the cops show up. Deborah is juggling a lot: as a family doctor, she is in private practice with her über-demanding widower father, who is trying to hide a drinking problem; her son, Dylan, is vision impaired; her mother’s death continues to affect the family; Deborah is still dealing with her ex-husband’s new, separate life; and her unmarried sister, Jill, has just announced she’s pregnant. Grace’s guilt about not taking responsibility for the accident makes her withdraw from friends and family, and the accident victim turns out to have a more complex private life than anyone imagined. The author seamlessly resolves relationship issues without sentiment, throws in a promising romance for Deborah and offers a redemptive scene between Grace and her grandfather.

Sex, lies, crushed dreams and slot machines are paramount in McGinniss’s flashy, fast-moving debut. Chase is a struggling artist who couldn’t hack NYU and moves back to Vegas, where he is reunited with his adolescent flame, Michele. After being fired from his teaching job for beating up a student, Chase plans to hook up with his girlfriend, Julia, in California, but instead spends his summer as a chauffeur for Michele’s call-girl business. Michele has plans for herself (buying a house, getting an advanced degree in women’s studies), but for the time being is running the call-girl service out of a suite in the Versailles Palace Hotel and Casino with her boyfriend, Bailey. Girls too young for the job, readily available cocaine, untrustworthy business partners, memories of a family tragedy and glammed-out Vegas goons make Chase’s summer more stressful than he had hoped for as he attempts to finish a few paintings for a group gallery show. The novel is action-packed, though the character development—particularly with the women—is sometimes superficial. McGinniss (son of another Joe McGinnis you may have heard of) successfully gambles with the notion that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what does that mean for Chase and his plans to escape?

Andrés Faulques, a world-renowned war photographer, has retired to a life of solitude on the Spanish coast. On the walls of a tower overlooking the sea, he spends his days painting a huge mural that pays homage to history’s classic works of war art and that incorporates a lifetime of disturbing images.
One night, an unexpected visitor arrives at Faulques’ door and challenges the painter to remember him. As Faulques struggles to recall the face, the man explains that he was the subject of an iconic photo taken by Faulques in a war zone years ago. “And why have you come looking for me?” asks Faulques. The stranger answers, “Because I’m going to kill you.” This story transports Faulques to the time when he crossed continents to capture conflicts on film with his lover, Olvido, at his side. Until she walked into his life, Faulques muses, he had believed he would survive both war and women. As the tense dialogue between Faulques and his visitor continues, the stakes grow ever higher. What they are grappling with quickly proves to be not just Faulques’ fate but the very nature of human love and cruelty itself.


Not your typical boring diet book, this is a tart-tongued, no-holds-barred wakeup call to all women who want to be thin. With such blunt advice as, “Soda is liquid Satan” and “You are a total moron if you think the Atkins Diet will make you thin,” it’s a rallying cry for all savvy women to start eating healthy and looking radiant. Unlike standard diet books, it actually makes the reader laugh out loud with its truthful, smart-mouthed revelations. Behind all the attitude, however, there’s solid guidance. Skinny Bitch espouses a healthful lifestyle that promotes whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, and encourages women to get excited about feeling “clean and pure and energized.”

Her Last Death begins as the phone rings early one morning in the Montana house where Susanna Sonnenberg lives with her husband and two young sons. Her aunt is calling to tell Susanna her mother is in a coma after a car accident. She might not live. Any daughter would rush the thousands of miles to her mother’s bedside. But Susanna cannot bring herself to go. Her courageous memoir explains why. Glamorous, charismatic and a compulsive liar, Susanna’s mother seduced everyone who entered her orbit. With outrageous behavior and judgment tinged by drug use, she taught her child the art of sex and the benefits of lying. Susanna struggled to break out of this compelling world, determined, as many daughters are, not to become her mother.

The smartest eating choices–made simple! The secret to looking, feeling, and living better than ever is not by depriving yourself of the foods you love. It’s by making the best choices in a variety of real-life situations. Based on the most popular column in both Men’s Health and Women’s Health magazines, Eat This Not That is a comprehensive guide to what to eat at home, from the supermarket, even at a fast-food counter. Do you know why a hot fudge sundae is a good dessert option? Why potato chips are better than fries? And why Swiss cheese is three times healthier than Cheddar? With this simple, illustrated guide to hundreds and hundreds of foods–along with the nutrition secrets that lead to fast and permanent weight loss–now you will!

And I’ve decided I’m going to locate this on my home bookshelf and reread it. I haven’t read it since high school and I want to give it another look. I’m looking for something new to read as you can see from the mishmash of shit up there. Can any of you recommend a good non scary book?

Curious

What song did you pick as your first dance at your wedding?
If your not married yet what song would you like?

Also don’t forget to submit questions for my 1000 post. I already have a few. You can submit via comment or email! Don’t let me down for my 1000th folks!

Checking in


Good morning. How are you? Yeah I’ve been missing all weekend. I would like to say I was off doing something amazing but I was umm, not. Lets see I cleaned a bathroom (yeah only one, I got to lazy to do the other), cleaned the kitchen, washed some jeans, ummm well yeah that’s about it. Don’t I look sexy this morning? Thats how Shannon looks after only a half a cup of coffee. You should see me after two. Yeah the sexy really starts roaring then. What is that behind me, hmmm yup lovely little burp cloth. Whats not pictured? That would be my enormous boobs covered in giant blue veins that just scream out THAT WOMAN IS NURSING A SMALL BABY. Well it’s either that or someone drew blue lines on me with a marker. I’m too tired to really know the difference right now. Other things you can’t see. My über sexy 7 year old Abercrombie jammie pants with no less then 10 holes right where the thighs are. You know how that is, when you put on some weight and your thighs rub together when you walk. You somehow wear a hole into the spot on your pants right where you actually need some fabric so as to not see my lime green granny panties sticking out from the holes in my jammies. Do you like my hair? I call this the unwashed, unstyled, unawesome hairdo. Am I going to shower before work? MMmm odds are, doubtful! If I showered then I couldn’t drink another cup of coffee and play with the photobooth feature on my computer. Lets get real here, I have priorities and who needs a shower when I can just slap some deodorant and a hat on right? RIGHT? Oh check the double chin too. I know men only dream of waking up to this kind of sexy. This morning I’m going to try out some new Special K with red berries eggos I got. Only 80 calories. Funny huh. I won’t eat cereal to save my life but I’ll totally eat the cereal brand Eggo thingies. Isn’t it also weird that I can’t eat cereal because I’m afraid of the bug parts in it but I will eat cookies. Isn’t cereal just smaller O shaped cookies? Tiny baby is up now. Must go get him from my warm snuggly bed then go change his diaper. Need to find slippers and sherpa clothes to go to his room as that room is FUUUREEEZING!


Okay we are back now. Must do some very important things, like staring at the calender on the wall. Notice the matching double chins. Codi’s all HAI I’m all freshed faced and cute mom whats your deal? Do something about those bags under your eyes, and seriously mom can you maybe brush your teeth sheesh. Uh oh big headed boy has to go poo oop. Must go wipe second tush of the day. Wait, no mommy I not pinish pooping (plop) huh mama whats making noise in dere is dat me pinish pooping? Ahhhh I love being a mom! Okay its after 7 which means I need to get my ass in gear so I can be on time for work and what not. Adios amigos!

Codi says, thats just my neck wrinkle it isn’t a third chin mmmkay! Brandon says, when I’m older these will be my bedroom eyes. I’m going to be kicking a lot of ditzy high school ass when these guys are older aren’t I?

BIG CHANGES ARE COMING

So I finally gave in and got one of those web host dealies. Then I made massive threats and forced kindly asked my computer nerd friend (I have permission to call him this, even though I totally think he is cool enough to be promoted to computer geek even if he doesn’t think so) to build me a site. And even though I can be the most difficult indecisive sweetest angel on the planet he agreed. Soooo in the next two weeks (read week and a half because Lee like 4 days has already passed) I will be debuting my very own brand new site. He promises me that if you use my old (current) link it will route you to my new fancy page (If it doesn’t I’m going to send him lots of red mad smileys on yahoo) but alas I have faith. My new page is going to have those tabby thingies on top and those flikrmabobs and fancy links and lots of snap crackle and pop!
Anyway like I said this site will reroute you but you may want to change the link after the site is complete. When the full change is made I will be located at misguidedmommy.com. Can’t wait to show you all the new site! Like I said it should be up in about a week and a half (if his cat doesn’t delete it all or something.)
Don’t forget to stop by and check out my account manager, aka Lee the graphic designer guy’s website. He is super talented and for a small fee will for sure hook up your site (just as soon as he is done with mine of course).

http://www.pyropoptrt.com/portfolio#

Lightening up

So my parents came by tonight to bring by Codi’s new little chair that I forgot at work.
I like my chair


So before my parents left, apparantly papa gave Brandon a Kit Kat. I tried to take it away and he broke down into the saddest tears I’ve ever seen so I said fine, because Papa gave it to you, you can have it.


He was sooooo happy to have it all he wanted to do was have me take pictures of his chogglet.


Codi was still kicking it in his chair


Look toys


Brandon smile…no I meant with out a mouth full of chocolate


No clue what this face is


I feel a big smile coming on


I LOVE MY CHAIR!!!!!!!


So he ate his Kit Kat and then he asked me to go lay with him. I laid down got all comfy and he did this. Dude I thought we were going to read books and watch Franklin.


So I hung out in there and finished Franklin so I could find out what happened with the fossil and he stayed like this.


Anyway he doesn’t fight with me as much about brushing his teeth while he is sleeping. The cutest part was how he was opening his mouth and making the motions we do while brushing, but he was totally passed out.

Continuing on

About this time I moved out into my own house. Almost immediately after moving out my boyfriend Eli moved in with me. Eli loved to drink and so did I. Needless to say we spent a lot of time drinking with his friends. Since we were both drinking and partying my habits didn’t stand out to anyone and it was again easy to hide. Alas Eli and I didn’t work out and he moved out. I found myself alone. This was so new to me. Being alone made drinking so much easier, especially since I had the worlds best fake ID ever. I would go out drinking with my cousin and then come home and pass out. I would wake up feeling like shit and have a morning drink to take off the edge. It was starting to take a lot more for me to get a buzz which is why we always looked for ladies drink for free clubs. That way I could get way wasted all for free. However being alone gave me a lot of times to come head on with the things I had always dealt with. One of them being depression.

This part is still the most frustrating parts to me. I hate when people think you need a reason to be depressed. Or when they think, this girl had everything, was pretty and nice and got the things she wanted, what does she have to be depressed about. Depression, often is purely mental. Thats the form I had. The kind of depression where you wake up one day and the world is too much to bear. You feel like your sitting in a black room and can’t see anything but the blackness closing in on you. You can’t manage simple thoughts or tasks and you don’t know how or why this is happening again. The hardest part was being able to know that what I was feeling wasn’t right but not be able to change it. I stopped talking about this or reaching out because so often I heard, “You have nothing to be depressed about, your life is perfect, you just want attention.” When these times came I drank even more. I would find reasons to make myself sadder and just drink and drink and drink alone. I can’t count how many times my friends would come over and find me with a jumbo glass of alcohol and I would lie telling them it was my first one. At the same time I can’t count how many phone calls my cousin Lisa got from me drunken, rambling, crying or yelling making no sense at all. She would just listen to me and let me ramble.

Anyway four months after Eli moved out my grandma died. This was and still is the hardest thing I have endured in my life to date. I can’t think of her with out crying and I think about her a lot. It was April 23rd which also happens to be my then “best friends” birthday. To give you an idea of what kind of people I had in my life at the time that friend told me I had to go out for her birthday. Rather then just be there for me and comfort me, or even let me stay at home to grieve she guilted me into going out with her. Telling me she would never forgive me if I blew off her birthday. So I went. I got to our destination first and I got drunk before they even got there. I was really drunk, and it was amplified by my sadness. I spent the entire night crying and when I finally made it home I cried even more. After that I think I kind of went off the deep end. I spent so many nights just crying in my kitchen. I stopped going anywhere and for about 9 months I didn’t see anyone or date anyone. My friends would come over and try and get me to leave but I didn’t want to. I would go to work and just go home and collapse in my sadness. I started walking at night in the dark and leaving my house unlocked and generally not really caring what could happen to me.

Keeping friends like I had at that time didn’t help. I was friends with a group of drunken college guys and an equally manic depressive maniac like me if not crazier. We were feeding off each other. We were getting drunk and going out walking and depressing each other. I just got worse and worse and worse.

Finally after about 9 months I started dating a friend and while that was happening I met Rob. Things with he and I were, intense from the start to say the least. Alcohol was involved from the start. In fact the first time we went out of town together and I realized I would be alone with him and stuck in a car I freaked out. When we stopped at a gas station to fill up before leaving town and I ran in and bought about 4 mini bottles of liquor. I picked nonsense fights and pushed him as hard as I could. I pushed and pushed and pushed and he just stood strong. I remember the first night I went to the dark place in my head. We were hanging out at his apartment laying in bed and nothing really triggered it but away I went. I was lost in the dark place. He had no idea what happened. He had seem me be a jerk but he’d never seen me basically disappear. Then the strange thing happened. He handled it. He stuck by me and just let me go there and was cool while I was there and basically just waited for me to come back. At that moment I knew he was the one. He may not have known yet but I did. 6 years later and he can tell ahead of time when I’m going there.

Years went by and I would go in and out of my dark place. A few times my doctor would try and put me on medicine and I would try (I will address this later in my 1000 post because Shawna asked me) but I always went off. I knew that no matter what this was something I had to deal with on my own. I also knew that I wanted kids and I didn’t want to go on a chemical crash while I was pregnant. I started being excited to go to bed because that meant I could wake up and have a bloody mary. And then I got pregnant. Surprisingly I made it though the entire pregnancy without fading away. But after I found my way back to the bad side. I spent the entire pregnancy being mad that I couldn’t have bloody marys. I remember being so happy when I could finally have one. Even though I had Brandon I would still drink. I never drank alone with him because I still had to be a mom. I also rarely got to get drunk because I was nursing. But something about even having one drink made me happy. It made me okay knowing I could have at least one. I realized there was a problem when my one glass started getting bigger and bigger and I was just drinking alcohol on the rocks no mixers.

The final breaking point was when my parents had Brandon on forth of July and rob and his friends wanted to go somewhere. I was way drunk and I lied and said it was okay to drive. We drove around the block and came home (that was where they wanted to go, around the block). Immediately I felt regret. Not only had I just driven but I had driven with Rob in the car. If I wrecked Brandon would have lost both his parents. The next day I went to the Verdi picnic with my grandma. I had an Amaretto on the rocks and that was the last drink I ever had. I stopped. I realized that in order to be the best mom I could I could never drink again.

However. While I’ve never taken another drink, not even eating candy with liquor or deserts with wine or liquor for accents I will never stop having depression. That imbalance in my mind is always there daunting me. I’ve gone there a few times since Brandon was born. Once Rob found me curled up in a corner in our room crying for no reason. Since Codi has been born it’s been a huge struggle not to go there. I’m halfway there. I feel as though I have one foot in and one foot out. The constant struggle of parenting two kids and hoping I’m parenting them equally weighs so heavy on me. The struggle to do right by these kids. To not let my faults bring them down is so hard. Knowing that there are times when I snap at Brandon and I’m aware I’m doing it but I can’t stop because my mind won’t let me. After those times I seems to fall the fastest. I fall closer and closer to going black. I’m trying the hardest not to this time because I know that I won’t be able to spread myself thin enough to still parent both kids efficiently while I’m lost in my own bad place. I can only expect my husband to pick up so much of my slack before my kids resent me.

I talk about all of this, not to put the people in my life down. Not to place blame. Because no one has ever been to blame for this but me. I am the one who chose to drink. I’m the one who chose to be bulimic and do all of the other things I have done. I made the choices. When I say that no one knew what was happening I say it to help people understand that even with out medicine it is very possible to hide your crazy. To cope with it just enough to hide it. To seem functional to the outside world. You know how they talk about functioning drug addicts, well I’m a functioning “crazy.” I wanted to write this so people understand why I some times seem extreme, or like I’m over thinking things. Why I’m afraid to be alone and terrified of the dark now. I want people to know that it’s okay to have these feelings. It’s even more okay to verbalize them. It’s okay to be depressed with no reason other then you woke up that morning and felt different. I also hope everyone knows that I am very loved. I am surrounded by great people and its probably those people that have kept me from drowning in my darkness every time. I weeded out the bad, like the friend whose birthday was more important then the saddest day of my life. I’ve weeded out the people who couldn’t understand that I can’t ever drink again. I can’t ever have one drink. I can’t taste it. I’ve weeded out all the people who make life hard to cope and I’ve tried to surround myself with only good people. I really hope that when my kids grow up they see a functioning mom. They see someone who loves them unconditionally. And I hope that even if I have to go outside and shout at the moon to prevent myself from shouting at my kids, I’m able to do it. Or, maybe I’ll just come shout here instead. The good thing is now that you all know about this, I can come here and vent. I can come here and say, I’m there, I’m in the dark place, and you will all know what I mean. It will be kind of like cheers, where everybody knows my name, and you’ll always be glad I came, no matter what kind of shit I’m spewing here.

So there that is

Like a very wise blogger once told me, don’t let the ones you actually know in real life know about your blog unless your ready to be censored. Now a lot of my every day friends and family know about my blog and because of that there is a lot I can’t write about. And I mean A LOT. Not because they don’t know, but because it involves them and my family has a tendency to not want the things they said to be repeated for fear they will look bad. My take on that has always been, if you think it will make you look bad if it’s repeated then maybe you shouldn’t say it. Back to the actual point of this blog, that is going to be long, and probably I won’t finish until much later after I get off work tonight. This week I had one of those days. You know the days that push you to the extent of your sanity. Not in a funny ha ha way, but in a way that made me actually want to come home and take a drink for the first time since July of 2006. Yes thats right, since I quit drinking I have never once looked back. Until yesterday. Yesterday I didn’t just want a drink, I wanted to open my fridge take out the ice cold bottle and drink it until I was puking drunk. Instead I at a sandwich with calorie laden mayo and called it even. Why? Because I have kids. Because I was an alcoholic. And because I never ever ever want my kids to see me as anything less but the best mom I can be. So that is what todays blog is going to be about. The fact that for almost 8 years I had a full blown alcohol problem and not one single person close to me ever knew. Along with the fact that I don’t even want to know how much hell I’m going to catch for writing this post.

I’ve always had mental issues. From a pretty young age I realized I had been blessed with “the crazy”. I also realized that medications weren’t for me**. I was okay with all of this until I was about 17. Around this time I had gone through the normal high school relationship bullshit, but at the same time there was so much other stuff going on. I was surrounded by people who never wanted to hear what I had to say, instead they wanted to tell me. I wasn’t being allowed to choose my own destiny I was slowly being told what it would be. I had went away to a church camp and after being given a date rape drug a guy had sex with me when I didn’t even know it was happening. I didn’t talk about this for years because I knew that in the world I lived in, I would be blamed. I was right about that too. When I finally admitted it I was blamed. I was having serious body image issues and I never felt like I was small enough or thin enough. I was taking diet pills and puking and working out all at the same time. No one was seeing this (ginger and lisa knew about the puking but they didn’t say anything because i asked them not to). At this point I was kind of at a loss so I started to drink. I didn’t just drink socially I drank all day long. When I got to school I would grab a bottle of vodka and pour out 2/3 of a Snapple and refill it with vodka. Off I would go to class. Studying was easier, listening was easier and everything was easier. At my first break I usually switched from Snapple to a soda with flavored vodka in it. I almost got caught once when a teacher out of the blue opened a snapple bottle and sniffed it out of the trash, but she couldn’t place whose it was. At lunch I would have something else and then I would try and stop before school was done and I had to drive to work. At night I was almost always drunk. I have insomnia and when your up all night drinking is a good way to pass the time. I tried taking prescription sleep aids and nothing helped. On the nights I really needed some sleep I would take two 10mg Ambian, drink a half bottle of Nyquil and take a shot of Jaegermeister and that would provide me with a few hours of restless sleep. I thought that maybe if I joined the Sexual Assault Support Services and helped others like me who weren’t to afraid to speak out that it would help relieve some of my anger. Instead I was made to feel bad for helping them and not one single person respected the hours I put in with them. It was as though I couldn’t win.

I started this a few days ago and its a lot of memories to bring up. So I’m going to stop here and I’ll write more tonight. Please know there is about five more years worth of stuff for me to write about so I may not finish it all tonight but I’ll post as I go. Also keep in mind when I say that people didn’t notice this or blame me for stuff that I am surrounded by a lot of people in my everyday life and I am not singling out any on person or placing blame, in the end the things I did we my fault only!

** I think medicine is fabulous, and I respect anyone who takes it, I think I just realized my environment would never change and I needed to learn to deal with that on my own since medicine wasn’t going to make the difficult things in life go away. So that being said, please don’t think I’m some anti medicine person because really, I’m a huge advocate of people who are brave enough to step up and realize they have a problem and its better to handle the problem then to continue to lash out at those who support you. Because you’re too embarrassed to admit maybe your a little crazy in the head.

It’s cold outside


Wheres Codi?


“I’m right here mom, get me the hell out of this thing”


He asked to take a picture. I said okay and he ran and hid and said, “no pitture under here.” He’s strange.


Check out the red nose and cheeks. It was coooold outside.

Know how to tell its snowing in Reno? Everyone goes flying around corners fishtailing all over the place. Know how to tell a California driver in the snow? They drive 3 miles an hour when there is only a dusting of snow. They do this with both hands on the wheel and knuckles so white I can see them through their window. Know how else to tell it’s snowing in Reno? Everyone but me drives like a complete fucking moron!!!!!!