Hi. You know that scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphy is turning in his paper and he starts visioning the teachers reaction. She is so happy and jumping around declaring it the best thing ever? That is basically how a lot of what goes on in my head is. You see I’ll be sitting at my desk or in bed or changing a diaper or sitting on the think tank when suddenly an idea for a post will come to me. It will be hilarious. I’ll giggle to my self and say in my snobby British accent ah ha ha ha that is mauuuuvaless. I’ll write half of it in my head, pausing at the parts I know you will all laugh at. I’ll giggle and wonder to myself why in the hell I’m not famous for this blog shit yet. I’ll anticipate the enormous amount of comments I am going to get. Then I’ll wipe, flush and walk away and poof. ITS GONE. It’s at this time that you get blogs like this. Total and utter trash. It’s like I’mt sitting here wondering how in the fuck you guys even read me when I’m typing about fucking wiping?

Tonight after dinner the husband and I were unloading the dishwasher together. I put one of the plates away and a tiny chip went flying. I picked it up off the floor and apparently threw it in the sink. Why? I dunno, your guess is as good as mine. Thats not the funny part though. The funny part is just seconds later, SECONDS PEOPLE my husband said, “babe did you just throw that on the floor?” I was like NO! He’s like “where did you put it?” I was like in the trash duh. He looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind and said, “the trash huh, you put it in the trash?” I thought about it, looked on the floor to be sure and then said yup! He just stared at me. I didn’t get it. Then I turned looked in the sink and said, “hmm guess I threw it in the sink.” More staring. Then he was “like seriously you thought you threw it in the trash?” I was like yeah guess I forgot? Ya’ll I thought he was going to pass out from sheer confusion right then and there. Yeah, in a matter of about 4 seconds I actually forgot that I threw the plate chip in the sink. In fact, I think I actually didn’t forget I just plain didn’t know I did it. 20 minutes later he was still shaking his head at me, totally stunned. I guess I’ve confirmed what he already knew, his wife has totally lost her damn marbles.

You know, I think 10 years from now when I’m nice and thin I will be able to thank my kids. Know why? Because right now I don’t have anything naughty to eat in my house. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I really don’t want to wake up, dress and load up two kids, put them in the car, get them out of the car, drag them in the store and then back home you can bet my ass would be out the door so fast to go and grab a jar of hot fudge sauce and a jumbo spoon. If I didn’t have kids the oly thing that would slow me down would be waiting for the microwave to ding letting me know my fudge was now warm. This also mean that when my kids are older I’ll be able to ask them if they know how many fudge dunked spoons I gave up for their well being and precious sleep.

I’m watching a commercial for some new show where kids and their dads compete in Fear Factor like competitions. Let me just say if that was kids and moms, me and my kids would be broke fools! Pick up a scorpion for a million bucks, no thanks I’m sure we will all be able to live comfortably in a nice cardboard box. Shove my hands in a bucket of spiders? Ehh I don’t mind eating Spam for eternity. How about you, would you be able to win Fear Factor? Would you eat 5 pounds of horse intestine for a million? Actually what would you do for a million dollars?

Did you know I have to put my socks on before my pants? This poses quite the problem when I wake up warm and decide to forgo socks then later decide I want them. I am faced with a choice. Do I actually take my pants off, put socks on and then put pants back on? Or do I just put the damn socks on and spend hours feeling annoyed that I didn’t do it right? Usually I just change my whole outfit so then I feel justified putting the damn socks on.

Okay well I have to pee. That means I’ll be thinking in my snotty British accent. Last chance for questions. Next post is 1000. Remember you can ask me anything. You can ask about my first kiss, my favorite this or that, things I did in school. Go ahead ask me anything. I dare you to make me laugh or blush!

Hi. You know that scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphy is turning in his paper and he starts visioning the teachers reaction. She is so happy and jumping around declaring it the best thing ever? That is basically how a lot of what goes on in my head is. You see I’ll be sitting at my desk or in bed or changing a diaper or sitting on the think tank when suddenly an idea for a post will come to me. It will be hilarious. I’ll giggle to my self and say in my snobby British accent ah ha ha ha that is mauuuuvaless. I’ll write half of it in my head, pausing at the parts I know you will all laugh at. I’ll giggle and wonder to myself why in the hell I’m not famous for this blog shit yet. I’ll anticipate the enormous amount of comments I am going to get. Then I’ll wipe, flush and walk away and poof. ITS GONE. It’s at this time that you get blogs like this. Total and utter trash. It’s like I’mt sitting here wondering how in the fuck you guys even read me when I’m typing about fucking wiping?
Tonight after dinner the husband and I were unloading the dishwasher together. I put one of the plates away and a tiny chip went flying. I picked it up off the floor and apparently threw it in the sink. Why? I dunno, your guess is as good as mine. Thats not the funny part though. The funny part is just seconds later, SECONDS PEOPLE my husband said, “babe did you just throw that on the floor?” I was like NO! He’s like “where did you put it?” I was like in the trash duh. He looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind and said, “the trash huh, you put it in the trash?” I thought about it, looked on the floor to be sure and then said yup! He just stared at me. I didn’t get it. Then I turned looked in the sink and said, “hmm guess I threw it in the sink.” More staring. Then he was “like seriously you thought you threw it in the trash?” I was like yeah guess I forgot? Ya’ll I thought he was going to pass out from sheer confusion right then and there. Yeah, in a matter of about 4 seconds I actually forgot that I threw the plate chip in the sink. In fact, I think I actually didn’t forget I just plain didn’t know I did it. 20 minutes later he was still shaking his head at me, totally stunned. I guess I’ve confirmed what he already knew, his wife has totally lost her damn marbles.
You know, I think 10 years from now when I’m nice and thin I will be able to thank my kids. Know why? Because right now I don’t have anything naughty to eat in my house. And if it wasn’t for the fact that I really don’t want to wake up, dress and load up two kids, put them in the car, get them out of the car, drag them in the store and then back home you can bet my ass would be out the door so fast to go and grab a jar of hot fudge sauce and a jumbo spoon. If I didn’t have kids the oly thing that would slow me down would be waiting for the microwave to ding letting me know my fudge was now warm. This also mean that when my kids are older I’ll be able to ask them if they know how many fudge dunked spoons I gave up for their well being and precious sleep.
I’m watching a commercial for some new show where kids and their dads compete in Fear Factor like competitions. Let me just say if that was kids and moms, me and my kids would be broke fools! Pick up a scorpion for a million bucks, no thanks I’m sure we will all be able to live comfortably in a nice cardboard box. Shove my hands in a bucket of spiders? Ehh I don’t mind eating Spam for eternity. How about you, would you be able to win Fear Factor? Would you eat 5 pounds of horse intestine for a million? Actually what would you do for a million dollars?
Did you know I have to put my socks on before my pants? This poses quite the problem when I wake up warm and decide to forgo socks then later decide I want them. I am faced with a choice. Do I actually take my pants off, put socks on and then put pants back on? Or do I just put the damn socks on and spend hours feeling annoyed that I didn’t do it right? Usually I just change my whole outfit so then I feel justified putting the damn socks on.
Okay well I have to pee. That means I’ll be thinking in my snotty British accent. Last chance for questions. Next post is 1000. Remember you can ask me anything. You can ask about my first kiss, my favorite this or that, things I did in school. Go ahead ask me anything. I dare you to make me laugh or blush!

I’m sitting here on my lunch break at work eating some boring beans and browsing online for some new books to buy. I finally settled on these. I’m in desperate need of some new things to read, seems like I got stuck in a rut there. So here is what I’m going to pick up today after work.

Oprah Book Club® Selection, May 2000: In her still startling debut, The Good Mother, Sue Miller explored the premium we put on passion–and the terrible burden it places on a mother and child. Her fourth novel, While I Was Gone, is another study in familial crime and punishment. But this time, her wife and good mother is accessory to more than emotional malfeasance. Jo Becker has everything a woman could desire: a loving spouse, contented children, and a nice dog or two. When her New England veterinary practice takes on a new client, however, her past comes back to haunt her. Long ago, it seems, Jo had escaped her family and identity for a commune in Cambridge. Her Aquarian illusions came to an abrupt, bloody end when one of her housemates was brutally murdered. Now this unhappy era returns in the person of Eli Mayhew, who had been the odd man out in Jo’s boho household. His appearance is both tantalizing and upsetting: “Inside, I slowed down. I felt numbed. I had two last patients, and then I told Beattie to go home, that I’d close up…. I refiled the last charts, sprayed and wiped the examining table. I reviewed my list of routine surgeries for Wednesday. All the while I was thinking of Eli Mayhew, and of Dana and Larry and Duncan and me, and our lives in the house. Of the horrible way it had all ended.

Relationships are brought to the limit in Delinsky’s splendid latest exploration of family dynamics. On a rainy night, Deborah Monroe and her teenage daughter, Grace, are driving home when their car hits a man. The victim, who turns out to be Grace’s history teacher, is unconscious but alive. Although Grace was driving, Deborah sends her home and takes responsibility for the accident when the cops show up. Deborah is juggling a lot: as a family doctor, she is in private practice with her über-demanding widower father, who is trying to hide a drinking problem; her son, Dylan, is vision impaired; her mother’s death continues to affect the family; Deborah is still dealing with her ex-husband’s new, separate life; and her unmarried sister, Jill, has just announced she’s pregnant. Grace’s guilt about not taking responsibility for the accident makes her withdraw from friends and family, and the accident victim turns out to have a more complex private life than anyone imagined. The author seamlessly resolves relationship issues without sentiment, throws in a promising romance for Deborah and offers a redemptive scene between Grace and her grandfather.

Sex, lies, crushed dreams and slot machines are paramount in McGinniss’s flashy, fast-moving debut. Chase is a struggling artist who couldn’t hack NYU and moves back to Vegas, where he is reunited with his adolescent flame, Michele. After being fired from his teaching job for beating up a student, Chase plans to hook up with his girlfriend, Julia, in California, but instead spends his summer as a chauffeur for Michele’s call-girl business. Michele has plans for herself (buying a house, getting an advanced degree in women’s studies), but for the time being is running the call-girl service out of a suite in the Versailles Palace Hotel and Casino with her boyfriend, Bailey. Girls too young for the job, readily available cocaine, untrustworthy business partners, memories of a family tragedy and glammed-out Vegas goons make Chase’s summer more stressful than he had hoped for as he attempts to finish a few paintings for a group gallery show. The novel is action-packed, though the character development?particularly with the women?is sometimes superficial. McGinniss (son of another Joe McGinnis you may have heard of) successfully gambles with the notion that whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what does that mean for Chase and his plans to escape?

Andrés Faulques, a world-renowned war photographer, has retired to a life of solitude on the Spanish coast. On the walls of a tower overlooking the sea, he spends his days painting a huge mural that pays homage to history?s classic works of war art and that incorporates a lifetime of disturbing images.
One night, an unexpected visitor arrives at Faulques? door and challenges the painter to remember him. As Faulques struggles to recall the face, the man explains that he was the subject of an iconic photo taken by Faulques in a war zone years ago. ?And why have you come looking for me?? asks Faulques. The stranger answers, ?Because I?m going to kill you.? This story transports Faulques to the time when he crossed continents to capture conflicts on film with his lover, Olvido, at his side. Until she walked into his life, Faulques muses, he had believed he would survive both war and women. As the tense dialogue between Faulques and his visitor continues, the stakes grow ever higher. What they are grappling with quickly proves to be not just Faulques? fate but the very nature of human love and cruelty itself.

Not your typical boring diet book, this is a tart-tongued, no-holds-barred wakeup call to all women who want to be thin. With such blunt advice as, “Soda is liquid Satan” and “You are a total moron if you think the Atkins Diet will make you thin,” it’s a rallying cry for all savvy women to start eating healthy and looking radiant. Unlike standard diet books, it actually makes the reader laugh out loud with its truthful, smart-mouthed revelations. Behind all the attitude, however, there’s solid guidance. Skinny Bitch espouses a healthful lifestyle that promotes whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, and encourages women to get excited about feeling “clean and pure and energized.”

Her Last Death begins as the phone rings early one morning in the Montana house where Susanna Sonnenberg lives with her husband and two young sons. Her aunt is calling to tell Susanna her mother is in a coma after a car accident. She might not live. Any daughter would rush the thousands of miles to her mother’s bedside. But Susanna cannot bring herself to go. Her courageous memoir explains why. Glamorous, charismatic and a compulsive liar, Susanna’s mother seduced everyone who entered her orbit. With outrageous behavior and judgment tinged by drug use, she taught her child the art of sex and the benefits of lying. Susanna struggled to break out of this compelling world, determined, as many daughters are, not to become her mother.

The smartest eating choices–made simple! The secret to looking, feeling, and living better than ever is not by depriving yourself of the foods you love. It’s by making the best choices in a variety of real-life situations. Based on the most popular column in both Men’s Health and Women’s Health magazines, Eat This Not That is a comprehensive guide to what to eat at home, from the supermarket, even at a fast-food counter. Do you know why a hot fudge sundae is a good dessert option? Why potato chips are better than fries? And why Swiss cheese is three times healthier than Cheddar? With this simple, illustrated guide to hundreds and hundreds of foods–along with the nutrition secrets that lead to fast and permanent weight loss–now you will!

And I’ve decided I’m going to locate this on my home bookshelf and reread it. I haven’t read it since high school and I want to give it another look. I’m looking for something new to read as you can see from the mishmash of shit up there. Can any of you recommend a good non scary book?

Good morning. How are you? Yeah I’ve been missing all weekend. I would like to say I was off doing something amazing but I was umm, not. Lets see I cleaned a bathroom (yeah only one, I got to lazy to do the other), cleaned the kitchen, washed some jeans, ummm well yeah that’s about it. Don’t I look sexy this morning? Thats how Shannon looks after only a half a cup of coffee. You should see me after two. Yeah the sexy really starts roaring then. What is that behind me, hmmm yup lovely little burp cloth. Whats not pictured? That would be my enormous boobs covered in giant blue veins that just scream out THAT WOMAN IS NURSING A SMALL BABY. Well it’s either that or someone drew blue lines on me with a marker. I’m too tired to really know the difference right now. Other things you can’t see. My über sexy 7 year old Abercrombie jammie pants with no less then 10 holes right where the thighs are. You know how that is, when you put on some weight and your thighs rub together when you walk. You somehow wear a hole into the spot on your pants right where you actually need some fabric so as to not see my lime green granny panties sticking out from the holes in my jammies. Do you like my hair? I call this the unwashed, unstyled, unawesome hairdo. Am I going to shower before work? MMmm odds are, doubtful! If I showered then I couldn’t drink another cup of coffee and play with the photobooth feature on my computer. Lets get real here, I have priorities and who needs a shower when I can just slap some deodorant and a hat on right? RIGHT? Oh check the double chin too. I know men only dream of waking up to this kind of sexy. This morning I’m going to try out some new Special K with red berries eggos I got. Only 80 calories. Funny huh. I won’t eat cereal to save my life but I’ll totally eat the cereal brand Eggo thingies. Isn’t it also weird that I can’t eat cereal because I’m afraid of the bug parts in it but I will eat cookies. Isn’t cereal just smaller O shaped cookies? Tiny baby is up now. Must go get him from my warm snuggly bed then go change his diaper. Need to find slippers and sherpa clothes to go to his room as that room is FUUUREEEZING!

Okay we are back now. Must do some very important things, like staring at the calender on the wall. Notice the matching double chins. Codi’s all HAI I’m all freshed faced and cute mom whats your deal? Do something about those bags under your eyes, and seriously mom can you maybe brush your teeth sheesh. Uh oh big headed boy has to go poo oop. Must go wipe second tush of the day. Wait, no mommy I not pinish pooping (plop) huh mama whats making noise in dere is dat me pinish pooping? Ahhhh I love being a mom! Okay its after 7 which means I need to get my ass in gear so I can be on time for work and what not. Adios amigos!

Codi says, thats just my neck wrinkle it isn’t a third chin mmmkay! Brandon says, when I’m older these will be my bedroom eyes. I’m going to be kicking a lot of ditzy high school ass when these guys are older aren’t I?

What song did you pick as your first dance at your wedding?
If your not married yet what song would you like?
Also don’t forget to submit questions for my 1000 post. I already have a few. You can submit via comment or email! Don’t let me down for my 1000th folks!