Let's discuss the lady at the pool

Now I know I owe you the rest of the Vegas story.  But this part.  It deserves a story on it’s own.  The worst part I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO SEE IT!

When we arrived at the MGM pool Ginger and I stopped to order something at the little pool deli thing. Ginger got this fruit bowl thing so she was able to take her food and go sit.  I on the other hand had to wait around for them to make me the worst sandwich of my life. I’m standing back about 6 feet from the register when I see this couple walk up.  She was a rather large black woman.  By rather large I mean Biggest Loser large.  She was also wearing a HOT PINK bathing suit that was similar to this.

Only… she did not look like the model.  Over it she had a black mesh cover up.  It was meant to be knee length but it was about mid ass length.  I can’t lie, it was very hard not to stare.  HOWEVER then her boyfriend walked up.  Remember we are in Las Vegas.  It was 100 degrees that day.  Here is this guy in his denim jeans, with leather loafers, a button up shirt and A BATHROBE ON over it.  Yes.  A ROBE.  because the jeans weren’t hot enough.  He had the robe open just enough for his 5 inch gold cross to hang out.  He opened his mouth just enough to show off his entire gold grill.  And he texted on his phone with fingers full of gold rings and hands covered in gold bracelets.  His ears had diamonds Nelly would be jealous of. 

Explain to me who goes to a pool in 100 degree weather in jeans and a robe with a long sleeve shirt? WHO!

I was flummoxed.  What the fuck was wrong with these people.  She was under dressed he was over dressed what the hell did they see a mirror that morning?  My favorite part of all though was when she grabbed two bottles of Fiji water which were 7.50 each.  I guess she didn’t read the menu board to know that because when the cashier said $15.00 she threw a huge fit about how OH HELL NO I’M NOT PAYING NO $15.00 FOR SOME WATER THIS BITCH IS OUT OF HER MIND SHES CRAZY! She then looks at her boyfriend and says;

"My nigga, we outta here they be trying to charge me $15.00 for some water."

And off they went.

Who says that?  Who refers to someone as "my nigga?" 

That five minutes really sums up my entire trip to Vegas.  Strange people doing strange things saying strange things.

I also felt totally over dressed in my modest full coverage one piece standing there next to that lady.  Who knew Vegas made it okay to let it all hang out.  By all I mean ALL!

And then I felt old

My little 17 niece works for us.  If we are being honest she is my cousin but she is 10 years younger then me so I’ve always called her my niece out of habit. 

Last week at work Something broke, maybe a kids toy or an office thing.  I looked at my niece and said, "I’ll just McGyver it back together."  She smiled and kind of laughed in a way that she had no idea what I was talking about.  So I ask, "Do you even know who McGyver is?"

"YES! He’s the lead singer of The Rolling Stones."

I nearly died from laughter.  And then I thought, OMG if she doesn’t know who McGyver is and I do, does that make me old?

To answer, NO, McGyver is NOT Mick Jagger.

Yesterday at work, I walked in to find my same niece listening to YouTube instead of Itunes.  When I inquired about it I discovered the old girl in that office had left a bunch of bands like Tool, Manson and Godhead on the Itunes.  To remidy that we latched on to my computer and she began going through my music.  When she scrolled past Candlebox I said, "Oh Candlebox you will for sure want them right?"

Her reply, "I don’t even know who Candlebox is."

What?  Am I that old.  Okay.  Let me do some math.  I’ve been out of school for nine years, High school was four years so 9+4 is 13 and then add another year for middle school so 14 which would have made her THREE when my favorite band came out.



I am ancient!

After that I found out she didn’t know who Tom Petty was.  I had to sing her a song for her to kind of realize who he was.  Who doesn’t know Tom Petty?  YOUNG PEOPLE!

So the moral of the story is:


So you're going to Vegas

A couple months ago Patty e-mailed me telling me she was taking her summer vacation to Las Vegas. I pondered the idea and thought, "hey I could just fly there, it’s only an hour away." However after thinking about the cost of a plane ride, the taxi to and from the airport, PLUS the cost of a hotel I rethought I my plan. I decided I could drive there for a lot less. Only problem is my husband said I was not allowed to drive alone.


I only know one person crazy enough to drive to Las Vegas with me, so I called Ginger gave her about 4 weeks notice and she was on board! We were heading to Vegas. The only rule no speeding tickets. The drive to Vegas is full of small towns and everyone knows that you get big ass tickets in small ass towns, because those officers are smart enough to know you aren’t going to drive all the way back to fight in court. Fine! Psh! I would drive the stupid speed limit in my husband fast as hell car. RIIIIGHT! The only other thing I had to remember is since my husband tinkered with his lights and shit the dashboard buzzed unless the lights were turned on. This was fine since almost the whole trip required you to have your lights on. At least I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble for that. Everything was falling into place. The day I went to book our hotel I realized my debit card was at home. I put it off until later that night. About an hour later I received an e-mail from the very hotel I was booking (I hadn’t submitted anything they had my info from a previous stay) offering me a room for the first night full price and every night after for $22.00 WHAT A STEAL! I booked us right up.

Then I packed. Yes. I was packed for at least 4 weeks. It’s one of my quirks. Finally the day came and Ginger and I were off. Approximately 20 minutes into our drive we decided it would be smart to eat since it was nearing 5pm and we might not find any good food before daylight left. So we did the only logical thing. We stopped and took our sweet ass time having a nice sushi dinner (vegetarian non fish sushi on soy paper). After a very filling dinner we took off. 15 minutes later we pulled into a Safeway (we were very good at using our time wisely eh) and bought various drinks and some Excedrin.

Okay this time we were really going. The Ipod was plugged in, the AC was just right and we had our drinks. I only had mine for a second because of some kind of Iphone charger vs Ginger related drink spilling incident. About an hour and a half into our trip I looked up to see a cop car coming at me. I looked up just in time to see him turn on his lights and flip a bitch to pull me over.




I had my license, insurance and registration ready because I already knew I was speeding. The other thing about these small ass towns is you drop from 70mph to 40mph in about 20 feet and then drop down to 35 and finally 25. They totally set you up for failure. No one can slow down that fast ASSHOLES. Anyway, I knew I was fucked and up walked cutie young officer number one.

"Do you know what you were doing ma’am."

"Yup, I was speeding."

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

"Yeah I was doing 47 in a 35."

"No, you were doing 47 in a 25."

"Shit. Shit. I totally missed the sign."

"Is this your car."

"[sigh] No, it’s my husbands."

(My husband drives a black Honda with black wheels and illegal limo tint with fancy headlights and honestly the whole car screams HEY A YOUNG PUNK DRIVES THIS CAR.

Cutie officer smirks at me, I give him my trademark smile and he walks of saying, "let’s see what the other officer thinks about this."

I looked at Ginger and just cracked up. I just kept saying, "Rob is going to kill me dead, dead dead dead DEAD." We laughed at how we didn’t even make it a damn hour and a half before we were pulled over. I looked in the mirror to see the two officers passing my ID backing and forth.

Next thing I know Officer cuter then the first walks up with my insurance and registration wrapped around my license. He bends down hands it to me, smiles and tells me to slow down and get out of there.


Ginger looks at me and says something along the lines of, "what the fuck I never get out of tickets how in the hell did you do that?"

We laughed it off and slowly continued on our way. Tonopah is kind of the halfway between Reno and Vegas. And if it isn’t really it kind of has to be since it’s really the only place to get gas and food on the way there. We knew we had to stop there to fill up, get some more caffeine and pee.

I pull in the back of the gas station, which was called…the Giggle Station and had a giant picture of a weirdo clown. Ginger and I both decided it would be better to pull to the front of the station. I pulled around front and saw a sheriff sitting at a stop sign in front of the gas station. THANK GOD I WAS DOING THE DAMN SPEED LIMIT THIS TIME. I went to pull into a pump and the fucking thing was out of order. I turned around and pulled into the next one. Since I wasn’t used to my husband’s car I pulled in about 5 feet away from the actual pump. I got out of the car DING DING DING. What the hell is that? I looked around everywhere wondering why this fucking car was fucking DINGING AT ME. Stop the dinging I HATE DINGING OMFG THE NOISE KILL ME NOW. The goddamn lights. Fucking husband and his fucking tinkering. I turned the lights off and Ginger and I went in. She putzed around doing her thing while I went out to pump. In the mean time I got into the trunk to get the case for my contacts. My eyeballs were on fire from wearing those damn things and I wanted them out. 5 minutes of digging later, unpacking my entire bag, unpacking my entire second bag, and then unpacking my purse I found the fucking case on the floor of the trunk right in plain sight. Guess it fell out. I got my contacts out, put the pump back on the thingy and went in to pay and get some crap. I picked up another Starbucks Double Shot drink (side not the only one they sold with out Taurine) and went to pay. While there I saw a neato new ice cream so I grabbed two and went to meet Ginger.

Finally I got in the car and Ginger and I marveled over our new ice cream. We cracked our drinks and away we went! We pulled out onto the main street when I saw the same cop who was parked in front of the gas station coming toward me.

HA HA SUCKER I’M DOING THE SPEED LIMIT [or close enough to it]

Insert red and blue flashing lights here.


“Ma’am do you know what you were doing?”
“I was speeding”
“Ummm [looks confused}, you also have no lights on.”
“Is this your car?”
[Why does everyone keep asking me this?]
“No it’s my husband and I’m used to having my car with the auto light function but his tinkering and the stupid lights switched all the way on, and I had to turn them off because of the dinging THE DINGING WILL KILL YOU and”
“I knew this wasn’t your car. When you pulled in you looked like you were having trouble trying to figure out what side the tank was on.”
“I’m just going to check this out and I’ll be right back.”

Now, here is what you should know. He pulled us over munching on ice cream. When he walked up to the car I had my ice cream bar in my lap, and I was laughing so hard I was nearly crying because OMFG how were we pulled over again. Ginger was also laughing her ass off. So here we are, two giggly girls, with munchies all over in a car that screams “I’M DOING SOMETHING WRONG.”

We were going down. There was no way out of this, obviously he was going to think we were high on pot and we were going to jail. Jail in Tonopah the thought makes me shudder.  To make matters worse Ginger suggested that mostly likely while the officer was running my license it would pull up a red flag that I had just been pulled over for speeding hours ago and that I had been let go.  Obviously you can’t be let go twice in one day, I was screwed I wasn’t ready for jail.

“here is your license, turn on your lights and slow down.”


What in the hell just happened? Did I really just get out of two tickets in one trip? I AM COP WHISPERER!
Ginger asked if I wanted to text Rob and tell him, and my reply was, “hell no, not until we make it to Vegas with no more tickets. After 8 plus hours of driving and WAY WAY more talk about Area 51 and aliens, and one possible UFO sighting we arrived in Vegas.

To be continued….

See that little arrow there that says Shurz?  Yeah, that would be how far we got before getting pulled over.  Pretty damn pathetic huh?  See the little square around Tonopah?  Thats how far we made it before getting pulled over a second time.  I officially suck!

Dear Vegas

Open letter to the cop who pulled me over in Schurz,

You were very handsome.  Thanks for not giving me a ticket.


Speedy McCute smile


Open letter to the cop who pulled me over in Tonopah,

It was dark, I couldn’t really see if you were cute, but thanks for also not giving me a ticket.


I swear I’ll drive with headlights on next time


Dear Vegas Monorail,

You were built on the wrong goddamn side of the road.  Also, I find it total bullshit that I have to walk through TWO casinos to find you, and I’m not talking some easy route, NO you make me walk past every single slot machine in Vegas to find you.  Next time, please rethink the design and location kthx.


My feet still fucking hurt from finding you

Dear Las Vegas weather,

It was NOT okay to have lightening and thunder one hour after I arrived at the pool.  I did not appreciate having the pool closed and be forced to stare at it from my room!


Mrs, if you close the pool how can I buy fruity drinks with umbrellas in them HUH HUH!


Dear front desk lady,

Thank you thank you thank you for the upgrade to the fancy schmancy room with the steam shower thingery I couldn’t figure out.  That really made our night at 1am after 9 hours of driving.  Also, saying I was on the 28th  floor made me fell so fancy.


Damn those fancy pillows were soft.


Dear steam thinger in my shower,

I still don’t know how you worked or what you did…sigh.


Wish I was Mrs.  McSteamy but my steamer didn’t work.


Dear Chef at Benihana,

You were fucking hilarious.  Japanese egg roll ahahahahah, that never stops being funny.  Thank you for the most delicious trip of my whole night.


Mrs. My pants still don’t fit right!


Dear cute new heels,

I heart you.  I can’t wait to wear you.  You are so pretty and soft and lovely. 


Mrs. Damn my feetz are gonna look good.


Open letter to my high heels at the end of the night,

I hate you, die, die, die,  my feet have blisters, you are not cute any more and the only reason I even brought you home was to give you more dirty looks.


Ouch blistarz fuck die ouch


Dear Gap Kids,

Thank fucking God I found you and your cheap flip flops.  You saved me from dying of foot pain right in the middle of the strip.


Mrs. Very glad I have kid size feet.


Dear really big fucking tall drink Patty bought me the pool,



Might still be buzzed from that bad boy,


Dear employee at Dicks,

Yes.  You.  You know who you are.  The one in the bright red thong.  The MAN in the bright red thong.  You remember me, I’m the one who snapped your thong upon seeing it only to have you present me with a thongalicious lap dance as I ate my veggie burger.  While your little dance was cute, I’m still very concerned with how comfortable you were in that thong!


Mrs. This is the reason why I wear granny panties, no one is snapping my thong thankyouverymuch


Dear Vegas Starbucks,

You thieving bastards who want to change me $.40 more for a drink because it’s in Vegas and $.75 more if I am walking through a fancier hotel.  Did you think I wouldn’t notice when I had to take out a mortgage to buy an iced skinny caramel machiatto that now cost five fucking dollars!


Mrs. I’d rather drink dirt then pay you more money!


Dear lady at the deli at MGM pool,

When I ordered a grilled ham and gruyére sandwich with out the ham, and you nodded and said "of course," did you think I wouldn’t notice when you gave me a grilled processed cheddar cheese sandwich?  And then for you to look at me and say, "well that is how we make all of our grilled cheese," as if it was totally okay that you had just charged me $13.00 for something no where near what I ordered.





You know it's a bad week when

When you put your underwear on inside out AGAIN.

When you have boob sweat 3 out of 7 days a week.

When someone else notices your boob sweat and tries not to stare but you notice them transfixed on your boob area only not for a good reason like having super awesome perky boobs.

When the lady in the Super Burrito looks at you like a fucking lunitic because you ask for SEVEN sides of hot sauce…and then she says, "SEVEN, for one burrito?" 

When the goddamn burrito isn’t even for you, and even though you say it’s for "him" she looks at you like you are full of shit and just embarrassed about your hot sauce addiction.

When you do something sweet by buying your husband a yummy soft serve ice cream and then the fucker melts in the goddamn car all over the seat and car and floor!

When you realize you have to drive to Vegas for 3 days with only $80.00 to your name.  Awesome.

When your laundry pile is taller then you!

I know….I KNOW


I have to.

I have to talk about Big Brother andi’msorryinadvance!

Here is my breakdown so far.


I heart Lydia and Jeff.

What the fuck did Ronnie do this week?  For someone so smart he sure is a total fucking moron dumbass!!

Natalie is a bitch.  And also, 18 PUUULEASE! 

Mrs HUGE GIANT FAKE TITTIES "it’s not my fault I have big boobs."  Um, whose fault is it that you paid a doctor to shove implants in your shit?  Was it spontaneous boobage?  Miraculous implants?  She just woke up with boobs?  I want to stick a needle in them.  Is she not the most annoying dumbshit in the history of Big Brother?

Chima drives me nuts too, I haven’t figured out why yet..maybe she is just sort of a ditz.

Everyone else is kind of under my radar right now.  Besides stupid moron fucking Jesse.  Dear God why did they bring they weirdo back?  I wanted Jessica to come back just so I could find out if she was still dating that geek Eric.

I must say this has been a very intense season already.  I’m only two shows in and already It is all so shocking.  If I turn my head I miss something. 

I hope the lame muscle people don’t win next week.  Barf on them.  Mostly barf on Jesse and Natalie!

What is your take on this season?


Smiths must be pretty hard up

Last night I had some time to waste so my mom and I went to the grocery store.  We brought along Codi, which of course meant he had to snack as we shopped.  I’ve always been careful to keep the packaging from stuff my kids snack on to make sure I get charged for it.  So when he decided he wanted a fruit roll up I opened it up and tossed the wrapper in the cart.  Three isles later after he was done using the fruit roll up as a sword he threw it in the cart and demanded something new.  My mom was hemming and hawing over something in the pasta isle so I raced ahead in my cart and grabbed a three pack of Strawberry Horizon milk.  Codi sucked the first one down before we even made it back to my mom.  I opened a second one and then he found the little individual packs of Hostess donuts. 

To say my kid was a happy camper sitting there with donut smooshed on his ass and milk squoosing out on all of my groceries was an understatement.  Codi was actually pretty animated the whole trip.  Talking and squawking and laughing and shouting the entire way through the store.  He was also naked accept for a diaper because right before we left him and Brandon were out playing in the hose.  So I was also that mom whose kids looked all dirty and naked and ghetto.

Finally it was time to check out.  There was only one lane open so my mom went there and I went to self check.  I’ve been self checking for a while, I am quiet the pro.  As I rang up my shit Codi really got going trying to stand up in the basket and crack his damn head open.  My mom finished and came to grab him laughing about how she got done faster blah blah.  I went to ring up the wrapper for the fruit roll up and toss it in but of course and empty wrapper isn’t the right weight.  I pulled it out and tossed the sword fighter fruit roll up in the bag.  Perfect weight!  Score.  I felt like a genius for not throwing the mutilated fruit carnage away.  Then came the three pack of Horizon milk.  Only one was left in the pack so I assumed the scale would give me hell but NOPE it worked.  Okay I was making good time here.  I got all finished and looked at the wreckage in my cart, two mashed pink milks, remnants of what used to be donuts and other various pieces of trash Codi accumulated. I start paying when an employee walks over and looks in my cart.  She sees the trash and says, "well what about this are you going to pay for all of this?"  I replied, "I already rang it up, the milks are part of a three pack and the fruit roll up is in the bag sans wrapper because the kid opened it."  She nodded and walked off.

At this point I’m fully paid and putting my groceries in my cart when I realize she has gone back to the main register and is looking over my receipt to prove me wrong.  Then she says, "I don’t see the donuts on here."


I pushed my cart over to her and said I must not have gotten them, here is a dollar thats what they cost.  She gets all rude and starts going on about needing the original packaging to ring them up and how I can’t just walk out of the store with donuts.  She says she needs the packaging because she can’t just take my word that the donuts are a dollar.  So I pull every bag out of my car and see no donuts.  She sends someone to go fetch another fucking pack of $1.00 donuts so she can scan them.  Finally I turn around and walk to the little check out kiosk and see them laying on the bag thing.  I had used a self check that had a big rotating bag section kind of like Walmart does, and somehow the donuts dropped on there (without setting off the scale) which was how I missed them.

The lady takes them and scans them.  I am standing there with my wallet open, and in kind of a jerky tone I say, "So do you need more then a dollar?"

Her reply, "no, this is plenty."


I was so goddamn mad.  All of this over a fucking one dollar pack of donuts that I totally missed on accident.  I think she was so upset that I was telling the truth about the milk and the fruit roll up that she was hell bent on taking me down over some donuts.

The most frustrating part is I shop there often.  I’m the kind of customer who tells the checker when they have undercharged me.  I am the kind of customer who a few months ago while shopping at Ross realized that the cashier didn’t charge me for a dress, turned around went back inside and told them, and then made them charge me for it. I am the customer that if my son eats an apple before we make it through the store I grab another equally big apple just so the clerk can ring me up.  That store must have been really hard up to hassle me so much over donuts.


Good parenting at it's finest

When you are sick and your kids are sick and breakfast time rolls around, sometimes you get a little, well, you get a little lazy.  That is why this morning my boys are eating ice cream sandwiches for breakfast.  I don’t feel bad though, because if you think about it, ice cream is made of eggs and cream, and the sandwich pieces are kind of like toast, so really, if you really think about it it’s exactly the same as giving them scrambled eggs, with toast and a glass of milk for breakfast right?

Also, since I felt bad not giving them any fruit I am having my mom bring them a piece of Starbucks lemon loaf, so there, protein, dairy, fruit, and carbs.  I am pretty sure this qualifies as a homerun successful breakfast.  Wouldn’t you agree?