Forgive me if I get a few of the details wrong here it’s been a while. Forgive me if I ramble, some things are just so close to your heart it is hard to make real sense of them.
A few months back I was still having problems getting a handle on my head. My doctor and I discussed the fact that my meds were obviously not working which was futher backed up by my blood work which showed almost no Lithium in my system when I was actually on a pretty high dose. We made some adjustments and will see where that takes me.
In the mean time however the Wellbutrin was starting to kick in and I was actually becoming a much better mom. Suddenly I was calm and relaxed and functional. I could remain calm while handling the boys, I thought before I spoke and things were getting so much better. What I failed to notice was the fact that since I was spending so much time concentrating on the boys I had completely forgotten my husband. Not only did I forget him, but when I did acknowledge him it was generally just to yell at him, snap at him or ignore him. The bigger problem is I really didn’t notice it. This had been going on for months, months before I even started the Wellbutrin.
July 4th weekend we were driving down to California when something just hit me. Maybe it was the medicine starting to kick in, or maybe it was the fact that I just really missed my husband but somehow I realized things weren’t right. I looked over at him and said, “Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells around me?”
One word and I felt sick. A flood of emotion came over me and suddenly I could see how ugly I had become. I could see all the yelling and snapping and no kisses goodnight and I just felt awful. The thing is, I love my husband. I love him like the day we got married. I still love being around him, hugging him, kissing him and just sitting with him. I read so many blogs every day where it seems like these people are just married because they have kids and they have to be. So often I read and I wonder where the actual love is. You know, there is a difference between loving someone and being in love.
The point is, I realized I was making it very difficult for my husband to still be in love with me. We spent the remainder of the drive talking. Talking and talking and talking and TALKING. We talked about everything. My head, what was going on in his head, the difficulties I am still having and how alone he had felt living with a shell of a wife.
That weekend almost over night things got better. I was happy to see him, he was happy to see me, we kissed hello as soon as he got off work, we held hands, we were us again.
Progressively things have gotten better. The two of us spent the whole weekend home with our kids. When they were sleeping we tried to just sit and cuddle. Watch TV, find moments for just us. It is funny because I live with him, but every day when he leaves for work I miss him. When he comes home I can’t wait to just hug him and hold him. I’ve always said, he is the only person I’ve every felt completely comfortable hugging, and to this day it remains true.
That talk probably saved us. Or my medicine kicking in. Either way whatever it was I am so thankful, because I love him. I’m still in love with him.
I can’t imagine what is like to live with me. How hard must it be to wake up and wonder who is going be waking up next to you. How hard must it be to love someone and worry that today they are going to hate you. How do you handle that? My husband deserves sainthood for tolerating me. For never leaving, never threatening to leave and having more patience then I ever thought one human being was capable of.
The most devastating part of all is that I have ALWAYS said, that in a marriage with kids that your kids can’t become your whole life, you always have to take time for each other because if there is no marriage there is no family. I can’t believe I forgot my own credo.
While I am so happy everything worked out and we are better now then we have been in a while, I’m so disappointed in myself that I let my head get in the way of us. I wish I would have been more open, talked about this more, wrote about it more, anything to realize what an asshole I was being much earlier.
I do know that my new medicine (Lamictal), combined with the Lithium and the Wellbutrin seem to be helping a lot. Rob has noticed, the kids can tell, everyone can tell. In fact it’s working so well I might even have more patience then Rob now. The other night at dinner the kids were being rotten little shit heads and Rob was just going crazy. As a first, I remained totally calm and just ignored them. Further more, after watching the whole scene play out I busted out in a fit of laughter at the hilarity of the whole thing. Rob turning red, the kids egging him on, and me being the calm one for once. I have to say, it felt so good to laugh again.
While Rob and I still fight, I’m okay with that. It doesn’t happen often and we are much more grown up about it now. What Rob has always told me is if he didn’t love me anymore he wouldn’t care enough to fight with me. I wholeheartedly believe that, fighting keeps the romance alive, and it reminds the other person that you care enough to fight rather then just walking away.
This Friday Rob and I have tickets to go to a baseball game together. A DATE!!! Just us, and the best part is, both of us are so excited to go. What a change, to go from egg shells to being thrilled to be in each others company. I think from now on when people question my decision to take medicine I’ll direct them here. I’ll explain how it took the demons from my head and allowed it to remember all of the things I love, all of the people I loved, and that I still loved me. If you are on my facebook, you can read the comments Rob and I leave back and forth, the playful banter, and I think honestly, anyone there, or anyone who knows us in real life can see just how much he loves me….and my crazy.