About two years ago for one of Brandons first Halloween parties in school I went all out. I prepared the cutest little cheese and meat skewer thingies and a little kid trail mix of goodies served in tiny little pumpkins.  I bought friendly little ghost plates and I was ready to go.

 

I know 3 year olds can’t read but….do you think the teachers would have passed judgement on me had I not caught it before hand?

 

My doctors gave me a few diagnos. 

Bi polar

Border line personality disorder

Manic depressive.

The list goes on.

The girls in my office first started laughing at me when I signed three checks on three different day and every signature was different.  One was perfect old school cursive, one was unreadable scribble, and one contained 3 whole letters.  They told me I should take it to my doctor just so he could laugh at me.  In fact they copied them all and wrote on the top, "who am I today."

There are more ways this is evident. 

Examples?

My choices in books.  I don’t have a genre, a theme, a style of book.  I mean who can come home from a book store with books about the Rolling stones, a Golden Girl, and a classic book written hundreds of years ago?

This became more obvious going through my CD case.  Here are some samples of my high school CD case.  Now you tell me if I have some kind of personality disorder.

Fuel

Leann Rimes

George Strait

Garth Brooks

DMX

E-40

Tom Petty

Britney Spears

Len

Insane Clown Posse (the real one not the gay little faggot wanna be kids)

Phil Collins

U2

3LW

2Pac

Offspring

Enya

Incubus

AC/DC

Metallica

Too Short

Jerry Garcia

Old Dirty Bastard

Blink 182

Pretenders

Mazzy Star

Joe Cocker

LIl Kim

Alice DJ

Master P

Unwritten Law (barely known but a must listen too)

Trippin Daisy

Cat Stevens

And I am embarrassed to admit I own the ‘Detachable Penis song"

The list goes on and on.  I swear, I have musical personality for every day of the year.  Everything is that way.  The shows I watch.  The clothes I wear.  The shoes in my closet.  The men I’ve dated.  The friends I have.  Borederline personality disorder is probably the most on point diagnosis of them all.  What do you think?

Years ago I bought this cute little bathroom set.  It had a toothbrush holder, a bar soap holder and a hand soap dispenser.  The problem is that the hand soap thing has NEVER WORKED.  I have added water to it, tried different soaps, done everything and it has never worked.  So the old soaps have been sitting in this thing for years coagulating and getting all oogy then stripping the inside of the metal and, well it’s a hot mess. Well the other we ran out of soap in our Dial handsoap dispenser so my husband decided to dump the soap out of the old nasty ass soap dispenser.  OMFG look at it, IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG VAT OF BOOGERS.

I am so not okay with this.  Would you wash your hands with booger green three year old soap that has separated into three levels of grossness.  WTF was that man thinking.  I ran straight to Walmart today to buy myself a brand new dispenser and fresh new flavor of soap.

 

EWWWWW!

Spanx

and

Glittery shoes

and

a family who thinks gambling is tons of fun

and

All of the great desserts I had tonight

and

The fire my husband just built

and

The broken game machine that earned my kids and my dad 1700+ tickets with about $4.00 in coins!!!!

and

A family that understands that Thanksgiving doesn’t always have to be traditional!

 

I am not thankful for

Glittery shoes that make my feet hurt

or

A certain facebook post (by happy ending I know you meant Cinderella gets the boy in the end)

or

my husband telling me to go put my pretty pretty glitter shoes upstairs in the closet, doesn’t he know I want to look at them just a little bit longer before they go back into hiding.

 

I am also thankful for $20.00 in gambling earning me 4 glasses of wine and 1 white Russian WOO HOO to that.

 

Also, "Mr. Concerned" if your still out there from a few years ago, do yourself a favor, fuck off and please don’t comment on me having some wine on Thanksgiving KTHX!!!!!

What I’m reading now?  OMFG I need to stay away from the book store, but the 50% off coupon from Borders was TOO GOOD TO PASS UP!!!!  I also had to go ahead and start a wish list on their website because I’m starting to forget all of the things I want to read.

Most recent purchases:

 

COULD THAT BE A MORE FUCKED UP MIX OF BOOKS?

One of the things my doctor diagnosed me with is "borderline personality disorder," that isn’t at all apparent with this selection of books is it????

 

So I started reading my new book.  One of the chapters discusses the birds and the bees.  The author talks about the teacher describing the maxi pad.  The confusing part is she keeps talking about the "belt?"

WTF does a belt have to do with a pad?

Stupidly, like always I google it. 

WHAT! THE! FUCK! IS! THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So let me get this straight.  Back in the day, women used to put this little belt with a dangling baggy on it around their waist and cram a pad in it?  This thing looks like a banana hammock. 

ONLY WORSE. 

I can’t even imagine what it was like to wear this? And what if you were fat?  Did the belts come in different sizes?  I can only imagine being the girl who had to go to the checkstand with a XXXL period belt.  I mean, no, I can’t even figure it out.  And if that is what the first pads looked like I don’t even want to imagine what the first tampon looked like?

Oh wait….

I keep picking up my copy of Jenn Lancasters, “My Fair Lazy,” but then another fancier book with a more funny catch phrase comes along and it’s all, “oh read me, I’m much more funny and raunchy and Jenn is like so 2009.”

I think after reading Chelsea Handler it’s really hard to find other authors as funny.  Ginger brought me over two new books today by the author Laurie Notaro.  They look promising, here are the two she got:

I am hoping they are good because she has like 10 other books and it would be awesome if I found an author who could keep me busy for longer then two days.  Just the tagline on the back of one of them has me hooked,

“I’ve changed a bit since high school.  Back then I said no to using and selling drugs.  I washed on a normal basis and I still had good credit.”

HA! Sounds like a winner to me!

I am the queen of flat tires.  I have had a flat on every one of the five cars I’ve owned.  Once I managed to have two flats at the same time.  Last night leaving the store I felt like my view was a little off.  Sure enough I had a completely flat fucking tire.  I had to call Rob who had to drive to the store and sit in the freezing cold replacing my stupid ass tire.  All of our groceries were in my car which means all of his ice cream melted.  I don’t know what I’ve done.  It’s like I have some kind of bad tire karma.

One time my tire literally FELL OFF MY CAR!!!  I was pulling out of work and BAMN my tire fell off and my Tahoe that was lifted an extra 6" crashed into the ground.  Scared the holy shit out of me.  Imagine if I had been on the freeway.  But really how does a tire just FALL OFF YOUR CAR?  

I think I should stick to walking from here to there because clearly tires aren’t my thing.

 

Up next, my total irritation with the end of the movie Letters To Juliet, they really need to re film it with my ending.  And yes it will spoil the movie.

1. I don’t have a bucket list
2. My iTunes is a pro at knowing just what to play that will piss me off or make me cry AT ALL THE WRONG TIMES
3. Brandon finally eats eggs I AM THRILLED
4. I hate dried egg on plates…imagine what I now feel every morning after he eats his egg and leaves yolk all over the plate.
5. So wait, is number three a blessing or a curse
6. Codi still eats the same thing he did two years ago NOTHING
7. I cannot close a door or drawer all the way, this makes my husband INSANE, but for whatever reason I always leave something about an inch open
8. I never expected to get into baseball, but seeing how happy it makes my husband has really made me start to love it…that and the beard, I won’t lie, the beard helped
9. I love Jerry Garcia, I used to think I was a hippy
10. I haven’t decided what age is too old to stop dying my hair purple, but I’m pretty sure it’s not 29, and I don’t think it will be 30 either.
11. I have a habit of loving songs that I think are all sweet and sappy only to find out they are horrible not sweet songs, example, Without You by Hinder, yeah that is not about him missing her, it’s about him better off without her. That’s just depressing.
12. Donuts are my weakness. They are my kryptonite. The smell, the taste, the glistening frosting on top IT JUST KILLS ME, I CANNOT RESIST DONUTS.
13. I give up, I like stupid Justin Beiber.
14. I have to reconcile five bank accounts, that’s too many numbers for my head to compute.
15. My head feels like a TV changing channels all fucking day every fucking minute.
16. Every time I get out of the shower I sing the Outkast song, “Ain’t nobody dope as me I’m just so fresh, so fresh and so clean.”
17. My husband doesn’t get the humor in that
18. I have something called traveling taste buds, my tongue looks like it’s been sliced into a million pieces. That makes anything acidic hurt like a mother fucker.
19. My husband does not like when I stick out my tongue and show him
20. I am addicted to sappy love movies, I can watch them all day
21. I am ashamed to admit I can’t wait to read the Betty White biography
22. I made my first new friend, new as in someone I didn’t know before from school or work.
23. I think I like her so much because I kind of get to mother her and she kind of loves having someone mother her.
24. My doctor just prescribed me Ritalin. He said it would be similar to doing speed and help me lose weight and get energy to work out and what not
25. It made me tired and sleepy. This means I probably have ADHD
26. This makes about 25 years of my life totally make sense.
27. I sort of miss school. But when I really think about it what I miss most is organizing binders and fresh notebooks and sharp pencils. Making dividers and labels was my most favorite part of school.
28. My husband makes a fire and gets it up to 83 in the house, I think that is the perfect temp, he tells me I’m abnormal and sits there sweating. 83 is a perfect house temperature.
29. I do stupid little things for my kids. Codi was sick today so I brought fresh sheets to work and then brought the softest fleecy type blankie just to make sure he was surrounded by soft clean things.
30. I pack stupid holiday themed napkins in the boys lunch box just hoping It will make them happy.
31. I just learned how to do a little side braid on the front of my hair, I’m worried I won’t be able to stop doing it now, which means it’s going to get annoying and over used.
32. I have only eaten Halloween candy once in five days
33. My finger nails are too long to type well now, this really frustrates me because I heart my long natural nails.
34. I want a pedicure every month.
35. I should not have mentioned Halloween candy
36. My long term memory is amazing, but my short term memory not so much.
37. I think I have lost my passion for cooking. I never thought it was possible but I just don’t find it exciting anymore.
38. I don’t want more kids but I sometimes get sad that having a hysterectomy took that option completely away, having kids is what I was built to do as a woman.
39. It’s been 11 years since my grandma died and it still hurts like yesterday, isn’t that shit supposed to go away?
40. A one hour drive across town and back is far to long to be alone in my head.
41. I need more time in my sewing room, I never thought it would be as cathartic as it is.
42. I can’t wait until Brandon is old enough to figure out that he is singing inappropriate songs, example: he loves to sing Taylor Swift…She wears short skirts I wear T-shirts. So not okay for a boy to sing.
43. I just realized I love Brie cheese on crackers with a little jam.
44. When did I become so stuck up?
45. Would one piece of Halloween candy kill me?
46. I picked a little baby tootsie roll, I think that is an acceptable size dessert.
47. I am tired about 90% of the time.
48. I don’t even feel bad stealing all of the hot water, I need to come out super pink and nearly burned up from how hot my shower is.
49. I wish I had to wear fancy work clothes every day
50. I totally couldn’t afford work clothes.
51. But I own plenty of fabulous work type shoes.
52. There is no way I can finish this list tonight.
53. Medication runs through my system right away, this makes it hard to keep my medicine level at the correct dosage.
54. I believe stilettos have to be peep toe. I’m totally over closed toe shoes.
55. Every time I start a TV show my husband walks in and asks if I want to watch a show with him. This makes me totally fucking insane.
56. My kids called 911 a few months ago. The cops showed up and everything.
57. I am obsessed with Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner getting back together. She wrote a song saying sorry they need to make up and have tiny werewolf babies.
58. I am always on Empty. My husband will ask if I want to stop for gas on the way home and I always so, “no I’ll do it in the morning.” Then I take my kids to school, realize I didn’t get gas and then worry about being late to work so I still don’t get it. I am always on the verge of running out.
59. My desk has never been empty. There is always at least one paper or one pile on there. I HATE IT.
60. I gave up on my home desk today put everything in a pile and mashed it into a drawer. I just couldn’t have it messy for Codi’s party tomorrow.
61. I have a red Swingline stapler but I won’t bring it to work, I don’t want anyone touching it and getting their germs on it.
62. When my kids go to sleep I secretly play Mario on their Nintendo DS.
63. Mario is the ONLY game I know how to play on Nintendo NES, Wii and DS. I am not capable of play anything else.
64. Wait that’s a lie, I totally rock the Twilight game.
65. At one point I had three different Twilight game aps on my phone.
66. I have hair on my fingers. I want to shave it off but I already cut my toes every time I shave them I really don’t need cut up fingers too
67. I guess now you know I have toe hair.
68. I found my first chin hair a month ago. I am fearful of the next 60 years.
69. I want to be married 50 years just so I can have one of those fancy HAPPY 50 YEAR ANNIVERSARY thingies in the newspaper.
70. My new medicine was supposed to be like speed, it makes me tired. I’m kind of disappointed my doctor made the speed side of it sound super fun.
71. Every person who reads this will totally take #70 the wrong way.
72. I have so many super awesome life secrets in my head. I think I will write one of those letters for everyone to read when I die spilling all of my secrets. That way I can’t get yelled at.
73. I cannot buy generic mayo. I just can’t. I think I would die if I ate it. I’m pretty sure anything but Best Foods is toxic.
74. Plain old Hersheys chocolate it actually my favorite chocolate ever, imagine that, a foodie like me and that’s my favorite chocolate.
75. My chocolate must live in the freezer. Warm chocolate is just awful.
76. I drink more water if it’s in a Sigg or a water bottle. Water in cups is scary. You will find water cups half full all over my house.
77. I cannot drive my husbands car with out leaving something behind. This drives Mr. OCD crazy.
78. My car is always messy. I don’t know why. I swear my kids have more art shit and food shit and messy shit then any other kid.
79. I still hate hugging. But I have discovered there are a few people I will always hug. Something about them just screams HUG ME. And I just have to do it.
80. There are people that I know no matter what I will never hug. I just can’t. The idea of hugging them makes me want to cry.
81. My husband always gets to be the little spoon when we cuddle. I want to be the little spoon sometimes but he says my hair gets in the way.
82. When we were first dating we slept in a tiny full size bed all cuddled up. A few years later we realized we needed a king size bed and somehow there still isn’t enough room.
83. I didn’t notice his snoring for almost two years.
84. I didn’t start snoring for almost 7 years. It bothers him and he wakes me up. I want to kick him in the teeth since he snored so bad for 6 years that I had to wear ear plugs so often causing my ears to bleed and scab up. And the asshole has the nerve to wake me up for snoring once in a while.
85. I have customers at work that I haven’t talked to for 10 years yet I still remember their name and voice.
86. I thought of at least five things to add to this list while I was in the shower. I forgot every one of them.
87. I cut myself shaving at least once a week. In fact I am now terrified to shave the back part of my ankle because I’ve cut it so many times.
88. I wear granny panties. Yup my secret is out. I’ve decided thongs just look ugly. Every time I see a Hanes commercial with a girl jumping on her bed in her briefs I think, “wow she is so cute.” I never look at a girl in a thong and think it’s cute, I think, “wow it looks weird having something crammed up your ass.”
89. If I was a guy I would fail in prison, I ALWAYS ALWAYS DROP THE SOAP. Seriously every single shower I drop it at least once.
90. I love the smell of my Salt City candles but I rarely burn them because I am so afraid of running out.
91. I used to be someone who obsessively planned ahead and did everything five days too soon. Now I function better in crunch mode. I have an 11o’clock birthday for Codi tomorrow and I don’t plan on starting to cut up appetizers until about 10AM tomorrow.
92. The first time I saw the word hors d’oeuvres I pronounced it WHORES DE VOURES. Katie and Ginger laughed at me so hard.
93. I have one of the worst junk drawers you will ever ever see, and I just don’t care.
94. I really really truly love my husband. I think a lot of people tend to say the words I love you and just say it out of habit. But every time I say I love you, my whole entire body feels it. I wake up at night and look at him and wonder how on earth this man married me.
95. My husband asked me to buy the new Call of Duty video game for him. I said NO NO NO. Then today as a surprise I bought it for him. He just laughed, opened his lunch box and showed me that he had actually bought it too because he really believed I wouldn’t.
96. He should know by now that he gets anything he asks for.
97. We have a new rule, when he says something like, “can I go to this,” or “I want this,” followed by, “it’s okay if you say no,” that I’m obviously going to say yes. Why? Because I don’t want to be the bitchy wife who says no. By now I’ve caught on that when he asks me for something no matter how much he lets me think I’m making the choice, the choice is already made, because I’m a sucker for that man.
98. I’m a sucker for my boys too. I can say no till I’m blue in the face, but even as I am saying it, I’m already planning how I’m going to get what they want.
99. I am hyper protective of my kitchen knives. I really get pissed off when someone comes into my kitchen and tries to use my knife. It’s like someone trying to borrow my husband. Not happening people THAT’S MY KNIFE.
100. My husband has me absolutely terrified of 2012. He takes
advantage of this and picks on me every chance he
gets. I can’t handle thinking I only have two years left
with my family.

 

You guys I am so embarrassed.  I fell asleep at 8:30 the last two nights.

EIGHT THIRTY

I am so old my husband makes fun of me every night because I can’t even make it through 20 minutes of TV with him.  So it’s coming, slowly.

In other words, I’m old and I suck.