Starting out the day

Doing math

So yeah….I’m one of those people who sticks out their tongue while they concentrate..shush

My my employees math doesn’t total up

I give up…I’m just going to guess and hope I’m right

On hold with a customer for 18 minutes

This is affectionatly known as the “dork smile” this happens when I get a lunch break, or all of the paper work turned in for the day is right……

I want cookies

You can't have cookies, you are losing weight and eating so well

But COOKIES

No no no Shannon

Fine. Let's eat some healthy three bean vegetarian soup

That was good but it wasn't cookies

Here have some gum

Gum doesn't taste like cookies

Okay fine you can have two cookies you cow

Well those were good but now I want five cookies, some guacamole and three glasses of honey whiskey

I told you not to eat the cookies it only leads to bad thoughts

Have a diet Pepsi and shut up Shannon

That would be much better with whiskey

COOOOOKIES

You got your two cookies shut up about it

I've only eaten once today, I'm still full but everyone is being grumpy so I want to eat ALL THE THINGS

Your jeans are baggy remember

SIGH

Fine!

POUT POUT POUT

It's been really cold here in Reno. I don't like the cold.  But my biggest complaint is that when there is snow everywhere my beloved shoes get left in the closet.  This makes me sad.  Let's be honest, shoes like this just cannot stay in the closet all winter long without getting their feelings hurt. 

This morning when I woke up, I went into my closet and I swear the shoes were frowning at me.  I decided I had to wear them but I had no idea how I could wear them when it was this cold out.  I don't wear nylons because they are annoying. 

That is when I remembered that I ordered this little beauty from Eden Fantasys:

(link takes you to this specific item)

 (That is exactly how it looks on me too hahahhahahah)

Anyway I realized that I had those little stocking things and they were sheer enough to wear with a black dress but not full on nylons so I wouldn't have to get annoyed at having them pulled all the way up under my boobs all day.  I rummaged around and located everything.  I love the whole getup.  I think I like the panties more because they are full panties and not a G-string, and they have that cute ruching in them.  I ordered all of this from edenfantasys.com and the best part is all of it comes in sizes small up to 2XL which meant that they had thigh highs in my size.  See, click here, there is a whole variety of them or women with real live curves!  I had one hell of a little getup in my possession.  I slipped it all on right as my husband walked in…and y'all suddenly it didn't even feel cold anymore. 

Sooo..just for fun I sent him this little diddy while I was at work:

Yeah, he can't wait to come home tonight.  

I'm so glad I ordered all of this because after eleven years there has to be some way to keep things fun right? Not to mention my poor shoes are now proudly out in the open showing off again which really is the best part of the whole story. I've never worn this sort of thing before.  I've always only worn nylons or just went without and shown my pasty white legs to the world.  But this…this is fun. My dress goes beneath the knee so it's super conservative which makes it extra awesome knowing what is hiding underneath.  it's my own little secret.  I highly recommend running out and purchasing some sexy undergarments to wear this winter…it really is a whole new way to keep warm.

A week ago I looked like this.  My hair was out of control long.  It was pretty and if I took the time to do it, it looked very nice.  But I never took the time which meant 80% of the week was spent with my hair pulled up into a messy bun giving me a headache.  After much hemming an hawwing I bit the bullet and chopped it all off.

Y'all I am in love.  I am so so happy I did it.  Look how cute I am. 

I fell younger. I don't have headaches anymore and look, when I get out of the shower and do nothing with it, it just dries cute. 

I wasn't able to donate it this time because we had bleached it to get rid of the pink and no one accepts bleached hair anymore.  We did hide a small amount of purple in it, but it washed out so I'm going to go find more purple and put it in there myself because the stuff I buy doesn't leave (I won't be bleaching the purple in this time just putting it over the dark).

For a bonus photo this is what I do when I am at work and I am stuck on hold and can't get to the bathroom to floss.  I turn on Photobooth on my computer and floss with my webcam.  You had no idea just how nerdy I was didja?

Ooh oooh.  I also got new glasses.  Did you notice? Probably not.  But I think they are fantastic.  I went to the eye doctor and asked them for "sexy librarian" glasses and they didn't know what to do.  The whole office is a whole bunch of old people and none of them found my request as funny as me.  After trying on 700 pairs of glasses I settled on the ones above.  They aren't exactly sexy librarian but they are far better then the old ones. What do you think?  Approve or not?

 

No pictured…the four quarts of home made caramel and the 10 cups of celery chopped, or the 300 rolls I had to slice. 

White wine cupcakes with white chocolate reisling butterceam frosting

Whie

A few years back I posted this image of my body in this post. 

After much consideration I think the image should be revised.  I think there should now be containers of cottage cheese in the thigh region to account for all the cellulite. There should be about five layers of stretched out taffy across my stomach where my pregnancy stretch marks reside. While the boobs still sag like pancakes they should be upgraded to some kind of melon stuffed pancakes because I swear they have tripled in size over the last few years.  Also because I'm Basque I feel like their should be two kiwi's where my arms are because I am soooo hairy. (Kiwi's are kind of furry right? Or would that be peaches, because they have fuzz?). This is not sexy.  My big ass melon head really should have a mustache added to it and if we are being honest I could add a couple of those Twizzler licorice ropes to my chin area to symbolize the two giant chin hairs that I never remember to pluck until they are an inch long. I still have the Converse though.  At least some things never change.  Tell me…what would you use to describe your body?

* So much going on lately.  Only one person knows ALL of it and she drove all the way from Winnemucca to deal with me this weekend.  God I love that girl.

* I need more tattoos.  I know I'm getting two different scripts on me but I need to know what my next big one is and where it is?

* I'm strongly considering cutting off about 12 inches of hair again.  I am very cute with long hair.  I am very cute with short hair.  I am not very cute when my hair is at that in between half short half long phase.

* I convinced a boy to read 50 Shades of Grey, a boys perspective on the book is hilarious.

* I have bought presents for one person for Christmas.  Technically I bought one thing for each of my kids but it doesn't count as a big present or anything.  I have about five days left to figure this out.  Shit.

* I got new glasses.  I asked the lady at the eye doctor for sexy librarian glasses.  She was old and she did not find me funny.  Needless to say I'm still on a mission for sexy librarian glasses.

* I have so much I wish I could say to all of you but it is not fit for the public so it's all just inside me festering into a giant hot mess.

* My panic attacks have returned full force.  I'm having one as I type this.  It's really annoying.

 

That is about all for now…or at least all I'm willing to tell you for now. 

Brandon wants to start doing the dishes.  He is only seven and can't reach the sink.  We have a dishwasher though.  I think he is still too young/short but I'm not sure.  Do you let your kids do dishes?  Do they do a good job?  At what age do you think kids are able to do dishes.   I would like advice.  Because if he wants to do chores I want to let him, I just want to make sure they are age appropriate.

Have you ever been cranky for the simple reason that you are hungry?  Well that was me today. I went on an errand to the bank and discovered I was starving. The bank took forever which of course made me really pissy.  So I drove over to my favorite little sandwich place that has a drive through and ordered my favorite sandwich (with no oregano please because that shit taste like burned marijuana) and extra pickles.  Then the drive up girl starts saying, "I'm sorry what did you say you want banana peppers?"

"NO I WANT PICKLES"

To which she replies, "so you want peppers on your veggie right?"  Which means I almost have to kill her but I do that thing instead where you are screaming out your car window to the little speaker at the drive up like an idiot until they hear you.  Which of course meant that she called my diet Pepsi a Dr. Pepper and I had to yell even more. 

I pull up to wait behind another car and around this time text my husband that, "I'm getting food, I'm in cranky hungry mode.  It's not pretty."

He laughs at me and then I pull up to the window and the girl takes my money and I hear, "Uh oh this veggie wasn't supposed to have the spice shaker, quick make a new one before she pulls up here."

I HAD ALREADY PULLED UP THERE.  My next text read, "things are about to get ugly, they fucked up my order and are starting over."

Then I asked for a bag of chips and the girl smiled and just kept staring at the extra money in my hand.  She couldn't hear me over her little earphone ordering device.  Here I'm thinking, "I'll order the chips and snack on those until I get back to work to prevent me from ramming things with my truck," and this bitch is smiling stupidly at me.  The third time I ask the manager finally hears me and says he will ring me up at another register.  

Around this time I start looking at the pink pen in my center console thinking, "mmm pink it will taste like strawberries right?  Pink is a flavor, I bet that pen taste good."

I finally get my drink and finally my food and go to leave.  But just as I put the straw in my cup it bends in half and does that thing where it gets a hole in it so that every time you take a drink you can't actually suck anything up and you just sit there trying and trying to get a drink while nothing happens.

The final text to the husband read, "And now I broke a hole in my straw. The whole day is ruined."

Yes I was in a bad place.  I finally get my food, get on the road and come back to work only to discover they only half filled my tiny cup of soup so there wasn't sufficient soup to dunk my sammich into, and my straw was broken, and I only got one slice of tomato and DUDE WHERE ARE MY PICKLES????

I finally ate.  But I'll tell you, those twenty minutes were the longest twenty minutes.  It was touch and go there for a moment.  I'm still a little upset about my soup to sammich dunk ratio.  

I guess this is what happens after spending 14 hours in a movie theater to watch the entire Twilight movie series.  You are a little cranky the next day. 

 

Updated to add: I just received this comment from Beylit, this shit made my day:

"My friends and I have classified the hunger crankiness in two phrases. First is 'Fat girl needs a sammich'. This is the milder of the two. It is the vaguely cranky and unpleasant point that can be easily saved by munching on something. Second is the much more severe 'Bitch needs a cracker'. At this point you will probably start consuming souls if some form of nourishment is not shoved in your mouth RIGHT NOW! Everyone within my circle of friends takes things very seriously when someone says they have reached 'Bitch needs a cracker', as they should."

While reading my old blog I came across this post…wow, I have the best kids ever

 

 While visiting a friend who had just bought a new water slide complete with a spray gun apparatus, my son got frustrated when the other kids wouldn't share. His remedy to this was to drop his drawers, grab his entire package (berries and all) and AIM at the kids with his, "squirt gun," while yelling I squirt you I squirt you and shooting pee all over the kids and the slide. I was mortified, the other two adults there just laughed at it. PEE! HE PEED ON KIDS! WHILE SHOUTING HE WOULD SQUIRT THEM! WHILE HOLDING HIS STUFF AND THRUSTING HIS HIPS OUT AS FAR AS POSSIBLE TO GET THE MOST OUT OF HIS AIM!