SOMETIMES ALL MOMMY NEEDS IS A LITTLE WINE AND A GOOD OLE FASHION ROCK N ROLL SONG!!!!!!!

PEACE OUT FOOLS!!!!!!

If only you could see me rocking around the house to this right now!!!!!!!!!!

OWWWWWWW

ROCK ON!!!!!!!!

I read a story today in Marie Clair about a girl in treatment for anorexia.  In the hospital they were allowed only one tampon at a time and had to be monitored when they took it out and disposed of it.  WHY?????

Because some women would soak it in water and swallow it to try and look like they gained weight for their doctors during treatment.

I give good head but even I don’t think I could swallow a water soaked tampon!

I saw my doctor yesterday.  You know the one for my "crazy."  Rob came with me this time.  Which was fun actually.  It was cute to see him and the doctor look at each other a few times during the talk and make a face that said, "dude I know, I have to live with her," or "look shes displaying the crazy right now, it’s like a free show only without the beer."  At one point my doctor said, "so you are depressed?" In my head I responded "NO SHIT SHERLOCK." They both agree however that I’ve done excellent lately at showcasing my ‘poker face.’  I’ve decided that is bad though.  I’m sitting here looking all put together and shit and on the inside I’m thinking:

WHAT’S THE CLOSEST THING I CAN SMASH

I HATE MYSELF, I HATE YOU, AND I HATE EVERYTHING AROUND ME (accept this glass of wine, I don’t hate this glass of wine, by the end of this post I bet I love this glass of wine and everything around it)

I’M FAT AND NEVER EATING AGAIN

I’M FAT AND I’M GOING TO EAT EVERYTHING ON MY PLATE AND EVERYTHING ON YOURS TOO

SMASH SMASH SMASH

AM I HEARING THINGS

STOP MAKING NOISE

OAMGOKADJGLAKFDJGOIHDFGKAJDFGKHA;DFGHAKJEGHAO;H

 

But I put on a really good poker face.  We are adding in an anti depressant to the "mood stabilizer."  But I’m wondering, does the mood stabilizer have to pick a personality to stabilize before it stabilizes or is it just supposed to stabilize all the personalities in my head?

*takes a sip (lie gulp) of wine*

Anyway, the husband wants to come again next time which is good.  I like it.  It’s nice knowing he might start to understand some of this.

 

In other news. Even though I had a hysterectomy I still have a mental period every other month (since I only have one ovary it skips months) IT’S THAT MONTH.  Add that in with the depression and the lack of being on meds and whoooo boy it’s fun round these parts.  Maybe I do need a tampon after all.  To jam into my eyeballs or something.  Or maybe two tampons, to use as ear plugs. 

Ear plugs…now those sound good.

My favorite part of the meeting with my doctor went like this:

Husband: So how long until the meds work?

Doctor: About 2-3…

Husband: DAYS!!!!! (insert awesome happy face)

Doctor: (insert oh shit face) No, weeks

Husband: (Insert a look of despair) oh…man…oh….sigh (insert brave face)

And then my doctor actually started laughing, it was so funny.  Really funny.  Because he knows what my husband is in for, and he actually got to see Rob’s face and my doctor just laughed…like santa, like a big ole jolly santa he just sat there laughing. 

And then I laughed.

And my husband….he wanted to borrow my poker face!

Part of what makes me a “Misguided” mommy is the things I did before I was a mommy. The misguided directions I took in life. I have some really good stories in me. Funny stuff. Raunchy stuff. Naughty stuff. Illegal stuff. Basically everything everyone wants to read in a blog. Every time I sit down to write I find myself frustrated. Because I know in order to increase readers, to draw you in, to get comments I HAVE TO TELL THE GOODS! That is where I find the problem. My family reads this. They know a lot of my shenanigans but they don’t know all of them and there is always a point in someone’s life where they have to say…”this is probably one of those stories I shouldn’t tell publicly.”

I end up shutting the computer and just walking away because I don’t want to force out a post and I can’t put up what I want. Do other readers have this problem? There are days I wish I could start all over and never tell a soul who I was. Be this amazing anonymous blogger who wrote stories about the time my friend and I drunk and peed on the grass at the very spot I got married two years later. A super secret blogger who tells funny sex stories that her parents and husband can’t read. Like the time a dog ate my panties and I had to go back to school with no undies on after my lunch break. (I still have those panties…what’s left of them). A blogger with no face just stories about marijuana, chicken tenders, and a very important first kiss.

I’ve always written. I’ve always had a journal. Online, written anything I’ve always documented my life. I wanted to be a writer when I got older. That manifested in wanting to teach high school English even. I have good stories in here. I imagine there are others out there like me. We have now been labeled a “mommy blog.” There are limits to what we can write about. Laundry, Johnny pooped in the potty and may husband is such a pain tonight. But I want to write the real stuff. I want to write my archives. My history. The things that 60 years from now my kids will want to know. The stories that the only other person who can tell them is the person who was there committing the crime with me.

Writing shouldn’t be this frustrating. It shouldn’t feel like a road block. So if you’re wondering about my lack of posting, this sums it up for you. I’m full of stories. Just not stories I can tell. Especially not the story about the “Golden Sombrero.”

Little Fucker

 

Look, he has his claws wrapped around my head one paw sunk into each ear and he is biting right into my head. ASSHOLE.

So he climbs the back of my chair with no warning.  Then he wraps both paws around my head and sticks in full claws.  Then he bites my hair until he manages to pull it all the way out of the pony tail.  Then he bites my head.  My phone rang during this so he went all crazy atack-o cat on my phone and bit it and then bit my head until I got off the phone.  

Little shit

Every three months or so I pull up my Google Analytics to see how people are finding me.  I’m going to post a couple, then return down a few times and post the naughty ones.  That means if you are in a reader you will need to click in to see some of the "interesting" things people search, that will bring them to me.

Ruined Panties (I don’t think I’ve ruined any panties lately)

Asshole moms (YES! That’s me)

 

 

And now.  Some of the things that PEOPLE ACTUALLY SEARCH ON THE INTERNET, and find me.

Ass fucking crazy moms (uh….)

Bad parenting tales (came to the right place)

Boys get in the ass by moms (logistically how does this even work)

Do women like to pee in there panties (no, it doesn’t feel very good, why do men?)

Everything I do annoys my husband (sure does)

I love angie hardage (who the fuck is angie hardage?)

Kids fucking moms ass (there are 7 different variations of this WTF)

Mommys boy smelling ass (eww…just EWWW)

Mommy slut tales (that would be a whole other blog)

Old ass bitches fucking (someone really wants to see that)

Rich moms are bitches (give me a million and we will see)

How to annoy my husband

Things to do to annoy husbands

Wash moms ass (now that is one hell of a punishment)

My husband tells me I drive him nuts (mine does, but why would you search this, what are you looking for?)

Shaving for a C-section (ahahahahah I know tons about this)

 

A few interesting things.  Tons of people have found my blog searching for the Gotti boys.  This thrills me because I thought I was the only one who watched that show years ago.

There is a million searches for people peeing during ultrasounds?  I never did that, did you?

I must write about Walmart a lot because searching Walmart and a few keywords always brings people to me.

Maybe I say Fuck too much?

I wrote about an ex boyfriend once.  I used his name.  13 people have found my blog searching his name.  That means he or someone else has searched this guy 13 times…I’m betting it’s him sitting at home Googling his own name.  And if it’s his girlfriends (that happened once, his girlfriend searched him and found me), they aren’t gonna love the story.  HAHAHAH sucks for you douche bag.

I honestly can’t believe how many people search for ways of annoying their husband.  There is over 30 variations of that search.  I like to think I’m creative enough to annoying him without the help of Google.

People Google too much!

Okay readers settle another fight with the husband and I. This one has existed for nine years.  Here are the questions:

1.  During Lent is it acceptable to eat fish?

2.  If yes, why?  Is a fish not an animal like a cow?

3.  Are ramen noodles made with chicken stock considered eating meat? 

 

Please please please PLEASE settle this fight.  Then I will tell you who thinks what?

Oh my gosh!!!!!!  I did it.  I signed up for BlogHer 2011!  There is so much to do now and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT!

I think I need business cards.  And I need a roommate.  And holy shit, I need to start saving and taking extra catering jobs to buy an iPad because Lord knows I’m not carrying my 17" Macbook all over that place.  So tell me friends WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO PREPARE FOR BLOGHER?  Give me all of your advice! Also let me know if you are going. I want to meet each and every one of you!!!!!!  Can’t wait.