I’ve eaten really well all week.  ALL WEEK.  Until last night, when Rob went to dinner with his friend and took the kids.  I was starving and home alone so I did the only logical thing a bi-polar foodie like me would do.  I immediately ate a cookie.  Then I ate three Burger King Cheesy Tots, a giant bowl of cinnamon toast crunch (at least 4 servings worth) and finally a fried egg sandwich with extra cheese and double mayo.

I think it is safe to say, if I’m going to lose weight I might need adult supervision at all times huh?

Today I got all dressed up cute and came to work.  23 minutes into the day i answered a phone call when I suddenly got the overwhelming urge to vomit.  I quickly put the lady on hold and ran to the bathroom barely making it before vommiting up the breakfast I had just injested 4 minutes prior.  But, apparantly 27 years of vommiting doesn’t train you not to puke all over your cute pants.  Hell, with that kind of aim I might as well have been drunk huh?

I had to change and take some nausea medication.  And, of course since I have been watching I didn’t know I was pregnant, I am convinced this is morning sickness and I am fully expecting to go into an unknown labor any second now.  I’ll keep you all updated on the status of my phantom pregnancy.

PS.  When I went off the Zoloft it kicked my vertigo back into high gear.  So now I’m nauseous, I have blurred vision, I sort of feel like I’m on a tilt a wheel AND my neck still hurts.

I don’t know about you but I surely think this deserves at least one piece of Marie Calanders chocolate cream pie right?

 

PPS.  Yes my tubes are tied, no I can’t possibly really be pregnant I know I know, but dude…this show IT FUCKS WITH YOUR HEAD MAN, there have been a few times I started wondering if maybe Rob was pregnant too. 

UPDATE CURRENTLY IN PROCESS.

 

WAHOO!!!!

 

SEE, THERE IS STILL SOME THINGS IN LIFE THAT TOTALLY BRING A SMILE TO MY FACE!

 

I CAN’T WAIT TO COMMENCE CUTTING AND PASTING AND FORWARDING AND SENDING PICTURE MESSAGES AND

 

You know, I think the only thing that keeps me sort of functioning is the fact that I am still able to see the good around me, and also the funny.

For instance.  No matter how grumpy I am, I can not STOP clipping roses.  I bring them in my house and my work.  I am giving them away left and right…which oddly on Saturday helped me interact with HUMANS.  I texted a friend and said, "hey, come see me, bring a vase, I’ll be here all day."  It happened to be one of my friends who doesn’t have much, and who really doesn’t get to do a lot for herself.  Not even an hour later she showed up with a great glass pitcher and off we went.  We walked first to the house down the street, it’s vacant for a couple weeks which in my mind entitles me to the roses.  Well, truth be told, I’ve decided since I’m the only one currently RESIDING on our the property that I’m entitled to all flowers and in fact I’m sort of the gate keeper of flowers and YOU THERE STEP AWAY FROM MY ROSES BEFORE I SICK MY THREE YEAR OLD IN HIS POWER WHEELS ON YOU….HE AIMS FOR THE CALVES!  Back to my point.  Off we went.  Collecting rose after rose.  Yellow ones, pink ones, red ones (that smell so goddamn good I swear someone goes over and squirts rose oil on them when I’m not looking), orange ones, pink with a hint of yellow, yellow and white spotted, deep deep red, peach, purple, white, salmon and on and on AND ON.  Yes.  I have that many.  Yes, it’s fine if you hate me.  We cut them up, trimmed the ends and I arranged them in her vase.  In fact, there were so many she said she was going to go home and take some out and put them in more vases throughout the house. She left and said, "wow, I just got a $100.00 flower arrangement for free."  My friend was tired, and beat down by the day (it was only 10am) and I got to make her smile.  

So yes, I was able to see the good in the day.

Humor?

I can’t move my neck.  I have slowly regained the ability to move it side to side but tipping it back NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE.  However as my husband and I were in the kitchen talking last night he informed me about how his friends and him are making fun of me at work.  He proceeded to do a little show about how HILARIOUS it is when someone can’t move there neck and they have to stop and turn their entire body to the left to look at something.  His friends thought it would be AWESOME if he called my name while behind me just so he could sit around and watch me have to stop and turn my whole body….then move and do it again. 

Okay wait.  Maybe I didn’t find that funny.  But he sure as shit did. 

He was also totally amused later in the night when I had to take my medicine but had a little trouble since I can’t tip my head back.  So instead I kind of had to bend at the middle as if I was going under an imaginary limbo stick.  Only I’m not that bendy so I had to brace my back, which kind of left me looking like you do at the end of a 9 month pregnancy when your hands are permanently glued to the small of your back kind of trying to keep your fat round ass from tipping over.  So here I am, water in one hand, holding myself up with the other, trying to lean back far enough to swallow a pill but not far enough that I tip over backwards and land on the marble tile, one boob pops out of my shirt and in that moment….I was really able to see the humor in the moment!

But my favorite part of all was the following:

(Background, my husband has been lifting weights a lot lately trying to get "buff", he is especially interested in getting "buff" in the chest area.)

Me: Babe, your boobs are really getting big! 

Husband: Thanks

Me: No like really big, shit babe, I think you have some C cups

Husband: I’m going to say B’s

Me: Biggest B’s I ever saw.  Shit, your boobs are huge, will you try on my bra so I can see what happens

Husband: No you would just get mad because mine are so young and perky

Me: YOU HAVE MOOBS HAHAHA MAN BOOBS!

Husband: Stop calling them boobs, they are M U S C L E S

Me: Hmm.  Sure look like boobs to me, in fact, I don’t think I like them, kind of weird MOOBS!

Husband: Muscles THEY ARE MUSCLES, boobs would be like those really huge guys on biggest loser

Me:  No, those guys have saggy boobs, kind of like how I have saggy boobs from nursing.  You have new perky boobs, kind of like a teenager, so see still MOOBS! MAN BOOBS MAN BOOBS

Husband: Shut up they are muscles

Me: Ha ha can I take a picture of your boobies and post them on my blog??????  I know all the girls would love to see your moobs!

Husband: NO!  Because they are muscles

Me: MOOBS MOOBS M O O O O O O O O O O O B S

Husband: Okay fine, take a picture of me, and take a picture of a guy on biggest loser and then ask your blog readers which guy has boobs

Me: They will say the same as me babe.  They are going to say SHANNON YOUR HUSBAND HAS SOME NICE PERKY MOOBS, and that poor other bastard looks like he’s nursed about 15 kinds, boobs are boobs are moobs babe.  No matter how you look at it you have boobs.  Call em muscles all you want but they are moobs!

Husband:  I hate you

So you see, I was totallllllly able to laugh and find the humor in that moment.  I mean hello, my husband has perky teenager boobs, how could I not spend the night laughing at him and dreaming of convincing him to try on my black bra with the pink lace trim

Note: If that happens I will so take a picture for ya’ll!

Ouch. That shit hurts.

Thursday night I was giving the boys a bath when I looked at Rob and said, “man my neck hurts.” He lamented that his did too and I replied, “No this is a weird hurt, a big hurt.” By the end of the bath the pain was traveling up toward my ears and by 11:30 at night I could not move my head at all. I suffered through the night and at 4am I gave up and told Rob I needed to go to ER.

Once I arrived at ER I was given an IV and then some Benadryl (they hoped it would help me get some sleep, it did not), some anti nausea medicine and some drug to stop swelling IN CASE my brain was swelling. That drug did help the pressure I was feeling on the top of my head but I still couldn’t move. The IV helped so I had to pee every 15 minutes, which was super awesome. Have you ever tried climbing in and out of a hospital bed when you can’t move your head at all and then try and wipe and flush as you HOPE your aiming the toilet paper in the right direction?

My favorite part was when the nurse asked if I could possibly be pregnant and I had to answer, "well I just had my period on the third and my tubes are tied but I’ve been watching that ridiculous show, I didn’t know I was pregnant, so actually I probably am pregnant and shit this neck pain is probably labor and I swear to God lady if you tell me it’s twins I’ll kill you.  She laughed, I laughed and then we all wondered why in the fuck anyone would put a show like that one TV because I wasn’t the first person to come into ER wondering if the pain of a hang nail was really labor pains.

Finally after the CT scan determined my brain wasn’t blowing up they offered to do a spinal tap. My mind flashed back to the time they did that to my dad, and I’m sorry, he is a big man I remember sitting in front of him watching the look of sheer terror and pain on his face and told the ER doctor that, no thanks, you can keep your big needle I’m just going to go home and hope it goes away! The doctor and my husband were both less then thrilled. That’s fine, as soon as they are getting a needle the size of Texas jammed in their back with out anesthetic then they can talk! It reminded me of the time I had a fallopian tube dye test and the very male doctor told me that it wouldn’t hurt much, it would feel like mild period cramps. WELL MR I’M SO FUCKING SMART AS SOON AS YOU GROW SOME GODDAMN OVARIES, THEN, AND ONLY THEN CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT “MILD” PERIOD CRAMPS PIECE OF SHIT MOTHER FUCKER.

So yeah, no needle. He sent me home with Percocet, which in my case is a placebo. I have intolerance to that drug. Never does a damn thing for me. I’ll never forget popping about 15 of them in about 4 hours after getting my wisdom teeth pulled wondering when in the hell these things would kick in. They didn’t!

Anyway after two more days of bitching and moaning about the pain I went back to ER. The doctor there looked at my range of motion (I can totally move my head about a half an inch to the left and almost a full inch to the right), he determined that no I don’t have meningitis because I don’t have fever, chills, vomiting so he didn’t try and talk me into a big needle (which at this point the pain in my neck was so bad, the big needle was sounding like a joy ride). Instead he sent me home with some muscle relaxers that were strong enough to knock out a horse. To quote the nurse, “they might make you feel a bit noodley.” This was followed up with a shot of pain meds in my arm (OUCH OUCH OUCH), and a second prescription for 600mg IB Profin. I went home and took my new muscle relaxers and BAMN I was flat on my ass. That shit knocked me way out. They helped a ton. I can now move my head about ¾ of an inch to the left and 1/5 inches to the right. I can kind of nod my head and my ears only hurt a little bit.

The doctor determined it was a stress injury. Makes sense since Thursday was kind of the culmination of all things stressful, i.e. we went to bankruptcy court only to find out that instead of receiving our discharge right away we would have to wait until I submitted page 3 and 5 of our bank statements AKA THE FUCKING BACK SIDE! Yes. I spent almost 3 hours at Kinko’s making copies and it never occurred to me when I put the massive stack of bank statements in the copier that my new bank might actually print on the back side. Fucking awesome! Rob was less then thrilled with me, I was angry because isn’t this fucking over yet, and my attorney just looked at me like I was the ugly cat at the pet shelter that no one would ever buy. Then he looked at my husband and I swear he telepathically said, “dude I’m really sorry you got stuck with this ugly feral cat, but if you’re interested I totally have a hot little tabby out back.”

Aside from that a large majority of last week was spent crying to my husband about various things. The fact that I am pretty sure I swallowed a cow and am now a fat ugly mess. The fact that even though I really want to get healthy again no part of my brain agrees. My brains said, “while being healthy would be fun, eating an entire tub of Thin Mint ice cream would be more fun because then YAY we could be all depressed about that and depression is fun WEEEE LET’S GET SAD!” My heart does not love what my brain has to say. My heart spent a good amount of time telling my husband last week that I hate who I am. I hate the constant battle in my mind. Do right or do wrong? I hate that most often wrong wins and I find myself screaming at my son with a fat slice of cake in one hand and jug of hate juice in the other one. I hate knowing how ugly I’ve become yet not having the cognitive emotion to actually care because if I really cared I wouldn’t eat a box of fig nutons for breakfast and wash it down with a couple of spoonfuls of chocolate frosting.

So, stress. Yes. That could possibly be what’s fucking with my neck.

What else haven’t I told you. Oh. Right. We upped my Lithium to 600 mg. But not before the doctor told me she was upping me to 300 and then wrote the prescription wrong, and then decided after that to just go ahead and change it to 600 with out ever telling me. That was fun. It was also fun when I called the pharmacy and told them to pull their heads out because I was only supposed to take one 300 mg pill a day not one twice a day. Turns out my doctor is the one who should pull her head out. Also after much bitching and moaning she agreed to wean me off Zoloft and next week I get to start Wellbutrin and I swear to God if that medicine makes me gain anymore weight heads will roll. I’m thisclose to ordering some diet pills and a side of crank to lose some weight since obviously my fucking brain can’t understand 3000 CALORIES OF ICE CREAM + NO WORKING OUT = BIG FAT COW! Really it seems like simple math to me!

By the way, if you are one of those 115 pound skinny little bitches who wants to leave a comment about your invisible bullshit love handles save it for someone who gives a fuck and go do another hour of power walking on the treadmill while pretending you aren’t anorexic and that you don’t need just as many crazy pills as me because you’re too goddamn delusional to see that you look fine and that when you complain about your invisible fat to people it just makes them hate you more then they already do. "No seriously Shannon, come feel my invisible love handles," No thanks I’d rather punch you in the face, it’s easier then convincing you, you’re a skinny ass  portion controlled lunatic moron.  So please if you were about to leave a comment like that skip this blog.  Unless you’ve ever dealt with an actual weigh issue like dreading summer because you know wearing skirts mean your thighs will rub together and that causes friction burn, or if your arms have ever waved goodbye a full ten minutes after you stopped waving because you are so fucking fat your upper arms have little wings attached to them making you wonder if you are going to take off in flight any minute now, then don’t comment here.  Unless you’ve ever wondered if the manufacturers of womens clothes were drunk when they sized jeans because YOU CALL THESE A 14 BULLSHIT I demand a recount because I’m pretty sure these are really size BIG ENOUGH TO FIT MY LITTLE TOE YOU DRUNK SIZING BASTARDS, don’t comment here! 

Let’s see if I can come up with any other causes of stress. Ooh heres one.  How about the fact that my husband and I couldn’t have sex for nearly 20 days because that is how long my period lasted and then when we finally did have sex it had been so long I think I pulled something.  So now, I’ve got a cramp in my groin (do women have goins?  Okay a cramp in my sex muscle, wait that sounds bad), a cramp in my junk, and I’m finally done with yet another period but the idea of having sex is so mortifying because of the pain that I feel like saying, "here’s a Playboy and some lotion, try talking to me next month after yet another period."

So, pain, fat, sexual frustration, aren’t I just a bowl of cherries?

So. How have you been? What is new with all of you?
 

My cousins, Chris, Ben & Aaron came to see me today.  This is what they taugh Brandon.

The Gotti Boys

 

Introducing Codi Gotti

Ginger and I have been friends since the dinosaurs roamed the earth.  That being said, Ginger has a habit of giving me really good gifts.  This is because Ginger happens to be reallllly great in the kitchen and have a habit of showing up at my house with tasty treats.

This is my Ginger.

 

HOWEVER!!!!
 

THIS TIME SHE OUT DID HERSELF!

You can’t even imagine what I felt when this showed up at my door today.

To give you an idea of how big it is…here is my attempt  to stand next to my boyfriend.

Yes, he is a full 6 feet tall.  I haven’t gotten shit done all day at work now because I’ve been so busy texting Ginger about all of the dirty things I want to do with my cardboard Edward.  Fuck the pocket Edward Patty, this is SOOOO MUCH BETTER!

 

This has being going around and around the web, why not jump on the bandwagon.

 

Okay, ready for some questions? Here goes. What is something I always say to you? "I love you"

What makes me happy? "Kiss you"

What makes me sad? "When I leave and when I make big loud noise"

How do I make you laugh? "Ummm tickle"

What do you think I was like as a child? "A little kid and a motorcycle guy"

How old am I? "Umm 4"

How tall am I? "68"

What is my favorite thing to do? "Cook with me"

What do I do when you’re not around? "Call me on the phone"

If I become famous, what will it be for? "Crayons"

What am I really good at? "Writing, crayons and the best mom"

What am I not really good at? "Uh you’re not good at playing ball or playing dot com"

What is my job? "To do your work, writing and busy"

What is my favorite food? "Bsgetti and macaroni"

What makes you proud of me? "I’m proud of you when you are good at climbing trees" (note: I have never been good at this)

What makes me proud of you? "When I do a good job playing at the circus"

What do you and I do together? “Make cookies & dance and ummmm we go ummm we, we play basketball" (note: We never play basketball that is for dad)

How are we the same? "My hand, and our knee matches"

How are you and I different? "Our head our eyes"

How do you know that I love you? "A kiss"

What is one thing you wish you could change about me? "I can’t tell"

What do you wish you could go and do with me? "Make cookies and make cookie sandwich"
 

I am sorry.  I only posted this give away a MONTH ago.  I’m fucking awful.  Heres the deal.  I’ve been backlogged at work, upside down trying to get the bankruptcy stuff together, stuck in a depression, and buried.

Anyway, I filed the last of my bankruptcy papers last Saturday.  I am mostly caught up at work, and my house is still dusty but I hung some pretty pictures on the wall so at least the dust looks pretty right?

Picking a winner for this was hard.  It involved so much math, and remembering to tally numbers etc.

Katie R. Got extra points for providing her answer in a PDF and in list form WITH COLORS!  An OCDers dream.  She lost points for this answer:

9. What is my natural hair color? And do I dye my hair? No you don’t dye so your natural color is dirty blond/light brown. I do however remember when you did in fact bleach your hair in high school and then decide to grow it out and you had total double decker hair color.

Billie guessed my second favorite Starbucks drink, Venti Java Chip frapacchino.  She was the ONLY person who knew I like potatoes

Only two people remembered I had my nose pierced and only two people guessed that I had pierced my nipples.  My husband was the only one who knew that I like to be called darlin.  

Technically my best friend Katie got the most questions right, but I decided she can’t win since that would seem rigged or something.

 

NOW FOR THE OFFICIAL WINNER!!!!

MRS.F

Not only did she get nearly every question right, she got about a bazillion points for this answer:

22. How would you pick your nose if you bit your nails?

So, Mrs. F, please email me your address and I will send your present on it’s way!

For everyone else, here are the answers!