Dear self,

When you are in the shower using your Philosophy Microdelivery peel it is a really bad idea to stick it in your eye you dumbfuck.

Signed exfoliated eyeball in Reno.

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Dear dumb Miley Cyrus song,

How many fucking times can they fucking play you on the goddamn fucking radio.

Signed

So not partying in the USA

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Dear cousin,

No I didn’t put the fucking Miley Cyrus song on my iPod you big jerk ass.

Signed,

Fucker!

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Dear trainer,

Mountain climbers.  REALLY! Is this my punishment for the donuts and ice cream I ate this weekend?

Fucking mountain climbers.

Signed,

My legs are still shaking

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Dear self,

Why why why would you admit to your trainer that you hadn’t been to the gym since Wednesday.  It is like holding a giant red flag saying please please kill me!

Signed, I may never walk again

 

In other news.  When I got married I wanted to take my husbands name, however I didn’t want to lose my maiden name because it was all I had left of my grandma.  I went to the social security office and had my name changed to Shannon middle name middle name married name. Let me tell you a little story about that.  I happened to go there the day after social security checks were supposed to come out.  Which means every low life in town was down there complaining. I was surrounded by old ass men talking about how they used to be a great football player in high school and that they don’t really need social security because they are so fucking super awesome. I was down there with Codi holding him for dear life because I was convinced I was going to get jumped. 4 hours later I got my fucking name changed. However the DMV apparently couldn’t handle that and forced me to hyphenate my last name.  So I became, Shannon Middle name maiden name-married name.  I was so pissed off.  What bothered me the most is that even though my social security card CLEARLY shows you my legal name, because of the asshole DMV I have been forced to be hyphenated.  I hate it.  My last name is my husband and his only.  My bank makes me hyphenated, my bills EVERYTHING.  The frustrating part is, if they can’t fit the whole name they just cut it off at the maiden name, totally losing my husbands name all together.  After giving it much thought I have decided that my maiden name died when my grandma did.  I think I am finally ready to let go.  Now my only hurdle is to go back to the social security office and not bomb anyone.  Then I have to go around and have my maiden name removed from everything.  Pray for me.

What is your opinion?  Did you keep your maiden name?  Did you hyphenate?  What did you do, what do you think about this topic?

 

So…one of them likes fairy wings and the other one loves lip gloss. Aren’t my boys special?

Please stop pushing on my boobs and then saying HONK.

 

That’s all thanks!

A few weeks ago my husband sends me this article from Yahoo Health. It basically trashed soda, carbonation and sweeteners. He subtly hinted that I shouldn’t have carbonated drinks anymore.  Then when I said how hard it was he would say, "it’s up to you if you want it have it," (read: If you do you are a massive fail who is trying to kill themself slowly and if you stay fat it’s your fault so don’t come crying to me.) Then he went from subtle to basically putting me on restriction from then until I reached my goal weight, hoping by then I won’t want it. To make this point he found every carbonated off limits drink in our house and poured it right down the drain in front of me. ASSHOLE. Obviously to get back at him I put the kibosh on him eating any place with a drive through. (Which he promptly found a way around the very next day and still managed to get a greasy ass burrito in the morning. Basically I was left being allowed to drink water, tea, juice and coffee. I hate juice so that was out, and coffee makes me sick now, so, I am left with WATER AND TEA! I do drink milk but only in the form of chocolate milk and only if I’m sick or sometimes at dinner so that doesn’t count.

Well since Rob’s new punishment went into effect and then working out started, thus making me drink more I am peeing NON STOP. It is like being fucking pregnant again. Every half hour at work, some times more. I can’t even make it through dinner with out peeing, and I had to go three times while watching the last 1.5 hours of biggest loser. At night I wake up every few hours to pee and I all I can think is FUCK I’m not pregnant anymore I do not deserve this. I am giving up all the trash that isn’t good for me I do not deserve this. Why why why does getting healthy seem a whole lot harder then getting fat?

On top of it all my trainer put me on some kind of diet. The first and hardest part is to eat my meals like this.

(Side note don’t ever google breakfast EVER especially when you can’t eat any of the things that pop up.)

Do you see that part about dinner being the SMALLEST FUCKING WORD!!!!!! Y’all I failed at this the first night. I came home and had a big plate of beets, mashies, corn and soy chicken. Not so good on the small meal huh? Yesterday I had to make a conscious effort to reverse my eating making breakfast big, and dinner small. Only, having a big breakfast was hard because I got full. Clearly this whole situation is totally fucking with my head. Last night I did a little better but I found myself wanting to snack.

BUT this isn’t even the worst part. Here is a list of things my trainer has basically banned

Cereal, all cereal even my beloved CoCo puffs

Cream of wheat

Most starches

Any bread that does not say whole wheat and even then only like once a week.

Ice cream

Candy

Potato chips (I haven’t asked about corn chips yet and I think its best to keep my mouth shut, if he doesn’t say no then it isn’t off limits.)

Dessert

Ranch dressing (now he is just talking non sense)

Anything that taste good.

 

Here is what I’m allowed to eat

Vegetables (not covered in butter or cheese)

Fruit (fresh only strawberry smoothie doesn’t count)

Dairy (cheese and yogurt)

Eggs

And that is about it.

I can have soy in moderation. Phooey. I can have rice and beans in moderation PHOOEY. Even though they make a complete protein apparently they are "too starchy and fatty."

So I am just sitting over here staring at hard boiled eggs and beets thinking this is so not as fun as last week when I had Fruit Loops for breakfast, french fries for lunch (with a salad on the side to counteract the grease) pie or ice cream, and some copious amount of potatoes for dinner.

I don’t understand why it is, that everyone is in such an uproar about the world getting healthy when they make it so hard by taking away the fun stuff. I mean, what fat person is honestly going to pick Cheetos over carrots. Or diet Pepsi over a nice tall glass of clear water?

To top things off I signed my mom up on Spark People which some how equated to me having to be back on there. This means now I HAVE to be accountable because my mom can visit my page and see what I ate, and I can’t not write it in because having a blank day on there is the biggest give away that I was naughty.

So. This means, my husband, my mom and my trainer are all watching me. I’m pretty sure if I want to sneak in any food with flavor I will have to do it with Ginger because I’m smart enough to know that even my cousin Lisa won’t let me cheat, and if I do she will tattle.

I feel like Optimums Prime at the end of the first Transformers, where he puts a call out to all other transformers asking them to come. I feel like putting a call out to all of my friends asking them to send me secret goodies.

Only, I bet even the postmaster would tattle on my ass too!

 

The gym is going well too. I feel like I have a tear in my abs, my arms hurt, my trainer is now giving me homework that I have to do and turn in on days I’m not with him or I get worse home work the next week. He also gave me the great news that the first place I will lose weight is my face and the VERY VERY VERY LAST PLACE I will lose weight will be my ass, then thighs AND THEN MY GODDAMN FUCKING MUFFIN TOP. What the shit. So you mean its going to take about 14 years for this goddamn thing to go away?

I haven’t stepped on the scale since Monday. I don’t plan to until tomorrow and then, I will do the dreaded weigh in on here. So you can all see what a cow I am, and you can all hold me accountable again. Photos may or may not accompany those weigh ins, because I would need pants that actually buttoned over my fat ass to take the photos in.

So there you have it in a nut shell. Woe is me, everything sucks, nobody likes me and I’m going to go eat some worms.

 

Coming tomorrow the thrilling topic of maiden names and how in the fuck to get rid of them.

 

**Side note, he said I can have beans and rice in moderation and mostly for lunch, he just wants me to watch it since they are really starchy.  And preferably whole beans and not mixed together.  No Ginger he isn’t phsyco he is actually pretty smart, I already feel better.

For the last week and a half I’ve been searching for a song.  I was driving down the road one day when this song came on.  At first I was like, "this song sucks."  But then the longer I listened the more I started bopping and moving and before I knew it the music was blasting and I was full out club dancing in my car.  The only thing I could remember from the song was that at some point it said "Pitbull."

Yes. That is it.

All of my smart ass friends asked why I didn’t use my iPhone to Shazam the song and I had to tell them I was way to busy rocking out and booty shaking to worry about that.  I figure that since it said Pitbull in the song it would be by him.  NOPE.  So then I googled "featuring Pitbull." NOTHING.  I listened to every Pitbull song there was.  Then people started making suggestions.  Is it the new hotel song.  NO,  is this one, that one NO NO NO NO.  Obviously I’ve listened to every fucking song by now three times or more you think I wouldn’t already have thought to look those up.  MY GOD.  After about four days I decide to call the radio station.  Only it is busy.  Later that night Lisa calls them.  She tells them her cousin heard a song that said PITBULL somewhere in it.  They listed off every song I already heard and again I was hopeless.  Every day after I googled hoping for something new.  Last night for my birthday me and the girls were going out.  On our way there I heard the song.  I screamed like I struck gold, Shazamed that bitch and then was stunned to find out it was Three 6 Maffia.  NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH PITBULL.  At this point I thought I lost my fucking mind.  All those hours googling and it never had anything to do with Pitbull.  Today at the gym I downloaded it onto iTunes because i knew it was the kind of beat that would make me love running the track.  Two laps in I heard it, "Pitbull baby Pitbull baby."  That was his whole line.  In the entire song. That was IT.  No wonder he wasn’t listed as featuring.  Either way, I put that bitch on repeat and rocked out at the gym.  

So. The song playing on my blog is the song that made me crazy for over a week.  I double dog dare you to turn this up and NOT start dancing.  Go ahead I dare you.

I’ve been doing circuit training at the gym.  I hired the trainer and he kicked my ass the first day.  Then he gave me home work.  Today’s homework was, 3 laps around track, 15 pull ups and 15 shoulder presses.  Repeat this three times.  Well feeling like a bad ass I also added in three sets of 15 full body sit ups while holding a four pound medicine ball! I did the whole thing in 18 minutes.  Then because I was still feeling studly I went and did five laps in the pool with the kick board like Yesterday.  Only today after that I thought, "I’m such a bad ass today I’m going to see if I remember how to swim with out a kick board."

AND I DID!  I did another 5 laps and headed off to the steam room (hot tub was being cleaned)  I am officially awesome.  Until tomorrow when I see the trainer again and he comes up with some new way to make me want to vomit.

About the hot tub.  Yesterday while sitting in there I looked down at my boobs and made the discovery that, when you are sitting in water, it makes your boobs float up into a nice little perky happy land.  I spent a good five minutes admiring my twenty year old boobs from way back when.  I recommend sitting in a hot tub and staring at your floaty full boobs any time you are feeling sad.

No matter how much I’ve been working out  me and stairs still don’t get along.  Every time I walk down the stairs my legs hurt.  They hate me.  But guess what? Walking down stairs in stilettos MUCH MUCH MUCH WORSE.

I vow to live in slippers for the remainder of the year.

I am now on a mission for some work out pants.  I want work out pants that fit like Spanx.  They will suck your belly in and make it look good.  Pull your ass up and make your thighs invisible.  Because those exist right?  I’m over my pants, my belly isn’t sucked in enough which makes me totally want to run out of the gym and eat pie somewhere because at least I look like someone who belongs in a restaurant eating pie.  I DO NOT look like someone who belongs in a gym running around the track with their jelly jiggling around.  

To make myself feel better about my jiggly jiggles I made the ultimate super awesome work out playlist.  It is as follows.

Pump Up the Jam by Technotronic

Sexy Bitch by David Guetta

Shake My by Three 6 Maffia

We Made You by Eminem

The Next Episode By Dr. Dre

Without Me by Eminem

The Real Slim Shady by Eminem

Forgot about Dre by Dr. Dre

You will notice there is NOT any Miley Cyrus on there.

Speaking of.  Last night someone said something to me that apparently I should have known.  And all snarkily in my head I said "I guess I didn’t get the memo."  And I was officially living in a Miley Cyrus song.

A few months ago Rob and I were watching Diners Drive Ins and Dives and Guy went to some place that had these amazing make your own s’mores.  Later in that episode he went to an ice cream place.  I commented to Rob that I could have an entire weekend surrounded by nothing but food.  While we were watching Rob was texting the whole time and I was getting really pissed off.  I kept asking who he was texting that was so important he couldn’t watch TV with me.  He shot me a dirty look and kept texting.

A few weeks ago we were in bed watching a show called Chef Vs City.  At one point in the show they went to a place called One Ferry Plaza.  I commented about how much I would love to go there.  It was surrounded by amazing food and I just knew I had to be there some day.

On Friday Rob and I headed to San Francisco.  He put directions in his iPhone and handed it to me.  My job was to lead him to the address specified.  When we arrived it simply said we had arrived at our destination.  We got out of the car and walked to a place I had never heard of.  When we sat down at the table he told me that we were at the place featured on the show with the S’mores.  Then he informed me that the entire weekend would be surrounded by food.  By places I had seen on TV.  The meal was amazing.  Fresh and hot.  so hot you knew it had been made right that second.  The macaroni and cheese was made with REAL CHEESE.  The S’mores came out and OH MY LORDY.  Home made graham crackers, freshly roasted marshmallows and melted chocolate.  You took the cracker dunked it in the marshmallow and then swirled it around in chocolate.  Then, you let the chocolate drip all over as you ate it. 

After the meal I asked how on earth he remembered all of this.  He told me that day when I got mad at him for texting he was actually in the note section on his phone writing down the name of each place we saw so he wouldn’t forget.  Oops.  Guess I shouldn’t have been mad.

The following morning we had to get up very early and I was instructed once again to direct him somewhere.  First though, Rob took me to Petes Coffee so I could get a taste of my favorite coffee while in California.  We arrived at a place called Dotties.  It was a breakfast place that was so good people would wait in line for hours and hours to get in.  Since we arrived early our wait was only about ten minutes.  As people were leaving they would look at us and say "it was totally worth it."  Oh my fucking God were they ever right.  I walked in to discover everything was home made and piping hot.  I ordered the sweet potato, gruyere, and caramelized onion tart. It was a fucking orgasm in my mouth.  Flaky crust.  Savory and sweet at the same time.  Hot and fresh.  My meal came with fresh biscuits that I slathered in home made raspberry jam.  We also ordered a cinnamon roll to go (that is what they were famous for on the show) and tried their black apricot coffee cake.  At this point I was not sure if I could ever eat again. 

We left and went to visit Robs grandma.  WE also picked up his uncle who took us to our next location.  We arrived in front of a giant blue building. One Ferry Plaza.  THE PLACE FROM THE SHOW.  The place I was dying to go to.  It was surrounded by a giant farmers market.  We tasted the best cherry tomatoes.  The freshest salsa.  The naughtiest chocolate ever.  From there we went inside where I tasted all the olive oil I could, vinegar’s, chocolate bread etc.  I was in food heaven. 

I was given another set of directions and we arrived at Bi Right Creamery.  An ice cream place that made the worlds best ice cream.  At this point I could no longer eat any more food.  I was full for about 500 days.

I can’t begin to tell you how amazing the weekend was.  We spent the weekend just being together.  It was much needed.  Lots of hand holding, hugging and delicious food.  Probably the best weekend I could imagine.  So, you were all wrong, but what he did was much better.  A whole weekend surrounded by food, alone just he and I, just like I always wanted.