I got my second ipsy  bag and y’all this one is confusing.  I don’t know what to do with any of this stuff.  I mean…I know how to wear blush but in order to wear blush don’t you need to wear a whole face full of make up?  I also know what to do with lip liner, see:

The liner is by Starlooks and it’s in the color Bare.  What I am enjoying about ipsy is that I get to learn all about makeup without paying tons and tons of money for something I’m awful at. 

Here is what I got this month.

The cost of the bag is $10.00 and this month it contained $63.00 worth of stuff, and they were full size samples.  That is amaze balls.  I would never spend $22.00 on a blush, but for $10.00 and all of this stuff I can learn the right way to use it all.

Last month I also got the Zoya nail polish in Gie Gie.  I have to say…I don’t love it.  I put it on to try it and it was way pale. far more pale then I expected.  I really thought it would be a bright summer color but look…it’s kinda just meh.

The website says it should look like this

Which I guess it does in exactly the right light.  Even in that light I hate it.  However, I wore the polish, two coats with no top coat to the beach, did some gardening, dishes, and other stuff and four days in, not a single chip.

I got so annoyed with the color I switched to black and added a matte coat to it.  What do you think?

Updated to add: I tried it on with cuter shoes and in better light today and I don’t hate it.  It’s actually pretty cute with the little summer dress I am wearing today.  What do you think?

Oh hey while we are talking about me and beauty lets look at what happened when I wore a non full one piece this weekend. 

This is my super cute bathing suit.

Super cute right?  Yeah, it’s super cute until you get home and see these tan lines.  Fuck me.

My husband and best friend cannot stop laughing at me.  It looks even more ridiculous in person.  Oh hey, my  nails show a better picture of the Zoya polish.  You guys I don’t know what to do with this tan line.  The only way to fix it would be to buy a bikini and I’m sorry I’m way too fat with way too many stretch marks to wear a bikini.  I have no idea what to do.  The sun in my yard is no where near as strong as the sun up at Tahoe, so even if I laid out in a strapless bra it would take hours to fix.  Ugh. These bathing suits should come with freaking warnings about the damn tan line.

*ipsy does not pay me for this, I pay for this on my own, and review it just because it’s fun to play with make up 

I received my first Ipsy bag this week.  I am thrilled with it.  If you haven’t heard of Ipsy yet you must be living under a rock.  It’s an awesome subscription website.  You pay $10.00 a month and eat month you receive a cute makeup bag with 4-5 samples in it.  Most of the samples are full size. My first bag contained 4 full size samples and 1 small sample.

Here is what I received:

The Zoya nail polish I got was in the color Gie Gie which is a soft pink.  I haven’t had a chance to remove my current toenail polish so I cannot show a swatch of this color yet.  I got the concealer in Yaby color and the brow gel in clear.  I haven’t used these products yet.  

Here are the first two I’m reviewing.

The Pacifica roller perfume came in the Gardenia scent.  It’s a super mild scent but it lasts for a long time.  I put the scent on at about 11:30 am, just on my wrists.  I went to the gym at 5:45 and was there for an hour.  The scent lasted through the whole day and managed to last through my entire workout.  It was subtle but strong enough for people to smell.  I received a lot of comments on the scent.  I think the easiest way to describe it is…beachy.  I put it in my purse because it is the perfect size to fit into a big purse or a clutch, and it doesn’t take much to achieve the desired results.  I will definitely purchase more in other scents.

The second product I tried was the Mirabella Colour Sheer lipstick in the color Bellarina. The first thing I noticed is that the lipstick is paraben free.  This is a big deal to me.  I don’t like to put crap on my lips.  It also contained mango butter which managed to make my lips feel even softer.  I have not owned a lipstick in over ten years.  I prefer lip glosses.  When I received this I was super sad because I didn’t think I would use it.  But then I opened it and saw the color and I was impressed.  I put it on and was surprised to find that it was a sheer, subtle color that went on similar to a lip gloss.  Ipsy did an excellent job matching the color to my coloring and preferences on their website. 

I should mention that I do not know how to photograph lipstick without making a duck face.  Sorry. I applied the lipstick first at work and was thrilled with the color.  The product was smooth, it didn’t have a taste and it did not leave a lingering after taste later in the day.  It lasted the rest of the day while I was at work.  I reapplied at the gym (photographed above) and was shocked that it lasted through my whole workout.  I immediately put it in my purse to use daily and I want to purchase a second color because I was so excited about the product.  I applied more this morning and got great reviews from my coworkers.  One girl in my office tried it on and she wanted to steal it afterwards.  The color I received is a pretty neutral color.  I think it’s something that would work on almost any skin tone.  I don’t wear a bunch of make up..okay I don’t wear any but I always like to have my lips look pretty. This lipstick worked perfectly on my plain makeup free face and added the perfect amount of shine, color and sparkle without looking out of place considering I had no other makeup on.  

Overall these first two products both rate a 5 out of 5 for me.  I have a feeling Ipsy and I will have a beautiful friendship! I can’t wait to try new products. This is the perfect way for a girl like me, who is clueless about makeup to learn a thing or two!

My dog is obsessed with these chewy things called bully sticks.  One day at a local farmers market I saw some fresh made bully sticks and stopped to buy one.  My asshole friend decided to ask me if I knew what they were.

Asshole friend: Do you even know what those are?

Shannon: Beef skin rolled up?

AF: No, those are cow dicks

Shannon:   **blank look**

AF: Laughter

Shannon: But…but this is a 14" bully stick…are you telling me, 14 inches…like…a bull dick are you sure?

Salesman: You didn't know that? That is why there is different sizes.

Shannon: So I'm sorry but..you killed this cow, made some steak, made some hamburger, then cut off his dick and stuck in in the beef jerky machine and labeled it a dog treat?

Salesman: Yeah pretty much

Shannon: BUT IT'S FOURTEEN INCHES LONG WHAT THE FUCK

Salesman: Yeah cows are lucky

I bought the bully stick and my dog obviously loved it.  I've since found them at Costco and it's hilarious because under ingredients they list, "bull pizzle." I laugh so hard every time I read that.

Anyway said dog is currently chewing on a 12" bull penis and you guys my house smells so bad.  When they start chewing on these things they smell.  My house smells like a mix of rotting bodies, shit, and death.  I keep throwing the stupid bone outside and the asshole dog keeps bringing it back inside.  I just tried to eat a snack and he brought the damn bone back in right below me, y'all I nearly puked when I smelled it. I can't imagine what is going through my dogs head that he is enjoying this thing.  He will not put it down for anything.  He thinks this chewy is the greatest thing ever.  Dogs have a very good sense of smell, are you telling me this fucker thinks chewed up, dried up beef dick smells good?

Dogs….

But wait there is more.  I got my first Ipsy bag today, that came with a roller ball perfume.  I opened it up and went to test it on myself. Only problem is, it was hot, so when I touched it to my skin perfume gushed out and leaked ALL OVER ME.   So I'm now immersed in Gardenia smelling perfume that is so strong it's making me wanna vomit.  Combine that with the rotting dead people smell and I need a shot or two of tequila if I'm going to get through this day.

I’m not fat.  I’m not skinny either but…I’m not fat.  At least not in my head.  In my head I’m overweight.  However, when I go to the gym and use their little body fat machine it tells me that I am “morbidly obese.”  Because of my height (5′ 1″) and my weight (167 at the time of this post) I rate very high on the BMI chart, I rate as morbidly obese. 

The picture up there is of me currently.  Do I look obese, let alone morbidly obese?  This is so frustrating.  Statistics like this, words like this, they really fuck with a persons head.  I was working out at the gym so hard, eating so good and doing all things right so imagine what it did to me when the guy at the gym put in my height, weight and age, then looked up at me and gave me my body fat percentage (33%) and then had to tell me that I am VERY OBESE. Not only was it embarrassing for me, but it was embarrassing for him.  The funny part is, this guy has hit on me since I joined the gym.  I think it did something to his head telling a girl he has been flirting with that she needs to write down that she is obese.

I wonder, If I am morbidly obese then what do they label someone who weighs, 60-80 pounds more then me?  I always thought it was super duper huge people that were considered obese, and morbidly obese.  I am so bothered by this.  I’m working so hard towards a goal of being healthy, but to even be considered non even over weight I have to get all the way down to 118 pounds.  I wouldn’t even want to be that small.  That is way small, and at my age it’s almost unattainable.  So even if I got down to 140 pounds which is a respectable weight, the United States would still consider me OVERWEIGHT.  How is a person supposed to get excited about weight loss when all of their goals and acheivements get smashed down with words like obese and overweight.  Total bummer if you ask me.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I call bullshit on the whole thing.  I’m sorry, they need a new chart…because this…is not morbidly obese.  NO.

Some of you may remember my youngest child Codi had food issues for the first four years of his life. By issues I mean, he wouldn't eat anything that was not either a chicken nugget, a donut, chocolate, or a mini pancake.

After months of frustration and worry and agonizing over his weight loss and growing anemia I finally got a little mean and made a threat.  Either he eats real food, or, every day we would have to get blood drawn using a needle to check his anemia and every day he would have to drink the brown, awful, nasty liquid iron medicine.  After much talking he chose to eat. 

Strangely he now pretty much loathes chicken nuggets.  He has decided he loves steak.  Expensive steak like filet and rib-eye.  However the funniest of all is his love of pig products.  Codi's favorite snack is ham.  Ham, cheese, and crackers.  His favorite lunch item is hot dogs (all natural, nitrate free).  His favorite food is bacon. Duh.  This kid loves bacon.  It cracks me up though, he will not eat turkey, only ham.  He will not eat a turkey dog, only an all beef or all pork one.  He will eat bacon in anything. 

Seriously..he ate this whole foot long corn dog at a carnival restaurant with my dad:

 

I have to admit though…aside from his love of pork my child is also in love with vegetables. He loves cauliflower, asparagus, beets, green beans, edamame, and various other veggies.  He still hates salad but that is mostly because he hates salad dressing.

In fact have I mentioned that my children both eat sandwiches, but neither will eat mayo.  They don't like salad dressing (Brandon recently accepted ranch on his pizza).  Codi despises ketchup in any form.  He actually prefers zero condiments.  NONE.

Codi will only eat tube formed yogurt, he does not like yogurt on a spoon.  I am lucky I recently found an organic kids greek yogurt with no food dyes or HFCS.  He thinks potato chips are a food group.  He will not eat eggs.  Toast and bacon are his preferred breakfast.  He has tried soda and liked it (I did not allow this) however his brother has tried it and hates it…the carbination bothers him.

He likes to turn everything into a sandwich, except sandwiches.  Two crackers equal a sammich, two chips equal a sammich, two cookies…you guessed it a cookie sammich.  Two pieces of bread with something in the middle….NOT A FOOD THAT HE WILL EAT.

 

Point is….my kids food habits are almost as weird as mine.

I received this email from Ipsy:

Thank you for contacting ipsyCare, and we are so sorry that your May Glam Bag has stalled during shipping. I understand this must be very frustrating! There is a very small, known chance this can happen with mail carriers due to a marked or scratched bar code. We are so sorry for the inconvenience. We would be more than happy to send you a replacement bag to your address on file. Also, please note that we might not be able to ship you the exact items that were in our original Glam Bag. If we are unable to provide you with the same item, we will send you a comparable substitute product. Your tracking number will be emailed to you once your package ships. We appreciate your understanding, and thank you for your continued support of ipsy!

 

Hopefully that means that soon I will get to do my very first vlog and review.  I'm so excited…even if I have now gotten obsessed with Ipsy review videos on Youtube.  they are pretty hilarious.

If you come home and find a box of expensive shampoo and conditioner on your porch….maybe wait a few hours before opening it.  Because if you open it after it's sat in the sun for 8 hours it WILL blow up all over your hands, your floor, and your arms.  Y'all my whole body and my floor now smell like Sun Ripened Raspberries.  

Sigh.

 

Also. I subscribed to IPSY and I have been so excited to do my first vlog opening the box and reviewing it all but MY BOX DIDN'T COME.  The post office lost it.  I'm pretty sad.  It's a super shiny hot pink pillow envelope, it went out for delivery and never made it here.  That is not the kind of thing you miss.  My mail man has been my mail man for 8 years.  He has never lost anything and just so happened to be on a day off the day my package was lost.  I'm sad.  Hopefully my June box comes so I can do a review vlog for you guys!

I used to have time to blog.  I swear I had all sorts of time.  Then one day the time just vanished.  Only it didn’t really vanish I actually just stopped wasting my time in front of computers and televisions.  They always said on the Biggest Loser, how can you say you don’t have time to work out when you just spent two hours sitting on your butt watching this show.  Good point. I heard that point for about five years and I ignored it.  

Then one day it all changed.  Some mom asked me to go to the gym with her and I had no valid excuse why I couldn’t. Imagine it;

Gym Barbie: Want to go to the gym this weekend with me??

Shannon: Nope sorry I can’t I have to watch CSI, Criminal minds, Hells Kitchen, and lay around reading a few books.

I had no excuse.  None.

So I went to the gym.  Then I joined the gym.  Then I started going to the gym at least every other day, sometimes three days in a row.  That ate up a shit ton of my blogging time right there.

But look at me fitting in dresses I haven’t fit in for five years (ignore the green socks and bra, I had just gotten off work)

Plus I had this cool new toy to fiddle with at the gym.

Then Little League started.  Suddenly I wanted nothing more then to join the board of Little League which meant I found any possible chance I could to volunteer and I jumped on it.  I am a Little League volunteering whore.  You want me to work the snack bar I’ll do it, you need me to sell sweat shirts sign me right up, I’m a Little League volunteering whore.  That means most of my Saturdays are spent up at the baseball field and half my weeknights are spent there.  The nights I’m not volunteering you will find me on the field being my sons dugout mom.  

Then, if I’m not volunteering, or at the gym I’m at a Giants game.  If I’m not at a game I’m watching a game, or obsessively staring at the score apps on my phone to find out what the Giants are doing.  

I’ve even gotten some fancy new Giants gear recently.

That shirt is my new Brandon Crawford shirt who I want to propose marriage to, even though we are both married.  I almost even got to see him last week but he walked into the dugout before I made it there, but that 1/100th of his face I saw was totally gorgeous.

My fucking fantastic new Converse shoes that I custom ordered with my name and orange stitching, and black grommets, and orange inside and OMFG aren’t they just the bestest ever?  Yeah, I clearly still have an issue with purchasing Chucks…so what!

Orange Friday…I look pretty hot in orange doncha think?  The gym is helping my confidence a little bit I think.

 

I’ve been walking around with billions of things I want to blog about going through my head and then I never get to blog them, or I don’t get to write them down, or I realize they aren’t long enough to be a whole post but dammit they are funny.

I read “Gone Girl” this weekend.  I am so fucking mad at the ending.  I have a much better ending written in my head, but for spoiler purposes I’ll keep in in my head.  Just know that I think it was a super great book with a shit hole ending.

I also bought both books written by the Duck Dynasty shows.  I’ve already read Willie’s book.  Y’all that book was amazing.  Kinda life changing.  Made me think about how I live, how I parent and how I am as a person.  You would never think the guys from Duck Dynasty could make you question your whole life, but they can.  They are fantastic books and I highly recommend them.

Codi starts kindergarten this year.  I don’t know how to handle this. Both of my boys are now old enough to be in the school system.  I have no more babies.  I’m not capable of making any more babies so these two need to slow down on the growing up shit.

I bought a new bathing suit.  For the first time since I had Brandon it was not a one piece, or a tankini. It’s one of those one pieces that has the sides cut out.  So I’m actually showing a little flesh.  I bought a tankini as a back up but….I enjoy knowing that I own this other bathing suit on the off chance I ever get brave and want to show some skin.

I get crazy stupid mad when I get home from the gym at night and the dead bolt is locked.  I like to just slide my key in the bottom lock, turn and walk in.  I hate having to unlock the top lock first.  My husband ALWAYS locks the dead bolt while he is home and I am at the gym.  THIS DRIVES ME BATSHIT CRAZY.

My husband started cooking.  He makes all kinds of vegetables now.  It’s amazing.  I come home from the gym and he has dinner ready.  With a veggie and quinoa or rice or pasta for me.  I can’t begin to tell you how lucky I got marrying that man.

I’m still allergic to everything.  

I  lost the food bet with gym Barbie.  She gave up sugar and I gave up chips, pretzels, cookies and french fries.  One day after 8 hours in the snack bar with no food I ate a soft pretzel.  She told me that was a loss.  I disagree.  I bought dinner anyway.

I just learned Phil Collins played the drums.  How did I go my whole life not knowing that?  It reinforced the two things on my bucket list, I want to play the drums and I want to play the guitar.  I want to play the guitar more though.  But how do you go to a guitar teacher and say, “I want to play the guitar, but I don’t know what kind of guitar, I want to play like Waylon Jennings, but I also want to sound like Eddie Veder, and I want to be able to play anything acoustically but I want to play Metallica too?”  They would kick me out of the guitar shop.  

That’s about it for now.  I have lots more swimming around in my head.  I will try and be a better blogger, I know I suck at it lately, but making MYSELF a priority is hard, something has to give and lately this website has taken the loss.  But I will find time to work you guys in….if there are still any of you reading.  

Last night I dreamt I was on a field trip with my kids.  In the dream I was eating little gummy candies with them.  When I ate my last candy I started thinking, "this one is stale, and it's very chewy and not good at all."  That was the exact moment I woke up and found another fucking ear plug in my mouth.

You guys, this is twice now.  Two times I have pulled my ear plugs out of my ears in my sleep and put them in my damn mouth and chewed on them IN MY SLEEP.

WHY?

While I'm asking why, someone please tell me why it is my dog has suddenly started eating his food by colors.  He has a brown piece and a white piece.  He picks every single white piece out.  He doesn't just pick them out, he picks one piece out and walks over to the carpet and drops it then goes to the bowl gets out another white piece, walks to the carpet and drops it.  He repeats this until he has about 6 pieces then sits there and eats his six pieces and then starts the process all over.  He leaves the brown ones in the bowl until he realizes he's not getting any more food until he finishes his brown pieces.  It is the strangest thing I've ever seen.

My food allergies are getting worse.  Last week as a healthy snack I bought myself some banana chips.  I proudly ate them all week before realizing I'm allergic to plantain which I'm pretty sure means I'm allergic to banana.  Since that wasn't enough fun I thought I would test out the doctors theory that I was allergic to peanuts and soy.  

I ended up in the hospital.

My entire stomach swelled up…see:

 

Just in case you think I'm always that fat, this was me the morning before when the swelling had just started

 

And this shows you the change twelve hours made

Yeah I know, my underwear are mega cute right….oops.

This is two days later…mild swelling

This is three days later…Mild swelling to start the day

And then BAMN I look pregnant again mid day.

Anyway the following week has been similar to that.  I eat something I swell up and my stomach hurts and then it goes away, I eat, swell, pain, lather, rinse, repeat.  It's been a fucking blast.  Not to mention that I can't take anything for the swelling now because I'm getting a new allergy test in May and I can't have any allergy medicine in my system before the test.

In case you all think maybe I'm eating something bad let's discuss what I have been living on:

*Protein shake in the am, that is hypoallergenic, vegan and soy free made from quinoa, with coconut milk, frozen strawberries and blueberries.  All of those are things I've tested negative to allergies for.

*Coffee & sugar free cream.  Both things I'm not allergic too.

*Lunch has been either a Subway sandwich, no mayo, only mustard, cheese and veggies. None of which I'm allergic to or a small salad with balsamic dressing and only lettuce and spinach.  None of that I'm allergic to.  I often eat carrot and celery sticks with hummus.  I've never had a reaction to hummus but after all this shit I'm now being tested for an allergy to sesame seeds. Sigh.

*Snack is another protein shake, an apple, strawberries, or nothing.  I'm allergic to none of those.

*Dinner is quinoa and a roasted veggie.  I only roast my veggies, I don't boil them or microwave them or saute them, I just roast them so they taste amazing and my kids are now addicted to roasted cauliflower and asparagus and broccoli and seriously it's the weirdest thing ever having a five year old request more asparagus or cauliflower.  I'm not allergic to any veggie besides soy and there is no soy in my quinoa or my vegetables.  

*Besides coffee and coconut milk I am only drinking water or carbonated mineral water.  I have had exactly 1.5 soda's in 30 days.  I am not allergic to coffee.  I'm probably allergic to water.  

So I'm going to the doctor with a whole new list of things to be tested for:

Sesame seeds

Sun Flower Seeds

Flax Seeds

Banana

Artichoke

Strawberries (again)

Chickpeas

Coconut

Quinoa

I bought myself an organic, soy free, nut free, gluten free granola last week and chomped away happily on it until the whole hospital thing.  It was full of sunflower and flax seeds.  The only two things the doctor didn't test on the sheet of paper last time.

You can imagine I'm a lot grumpy lately.  Even with all this I'm still dragging my sorry ass to the gym and I'm still being my kids dugout mom in baseball and I've been to work every day.  I'm miserable though.  I'm afraid to eat and that's an issue.  Yesterday I had the protein shake, the coffee and a spinach salad with a roasted sweet potato.  That was all, the entire day.  When I got to the gym I was drained.  I had no fuel and everything was harder.  This is not fun.  The gym has been fun.  Going to the gym with no fuel in my system is not fun.

Hopefully next week we get a real live compete list of allergies and maybe a diagnosis and medicine and treatment. Because y'all I'm working out way too hard to have my stomach swollen up like this every day!

Most of you are reading that title thinking it's no big deal.  Y'all, it's a big fucking deal.  If you know anything about me you know that my favorite food is potatoes.  A subset of potatoes is potato chips.  I love them.  I love them probably more then chocolate.  I love them about as much as I love my husband.  

Potato chips are the holy grail of foods in my world.

25 days ago one of the moms at school asked me to start going to the gym with her.  For the past two years I have referred to this woman as "gym Barbie."  Gym Barbie has a crazy rocking amazing body and works out often.  For whatever reason I thought going to the gym with her would be fun.

I was wrong.

She tried to kill me.

We did so many things.  Running and weights, and circuits and I don't even know what this woman was doing to me.  At one point I stopped her and said, "HEY, BARBIE DOLL..I'M A CABBAGE PATCH I DON'T MOVE LIKE YOU!!!"

She made me do more sit ups.

With weights.

Anywho, at the end of the workout while we were stretching she came up with this brilliant plan that she would give up sugar in all forms and I would give up chips, fries & pretzels.

Might as well have killed me.

After two weeks of me subbing cookies in place of chips we had to amend the bet so that I could also no longer have cookies.  First one to lose buys dinner. 

You guys I'm struggling.  Two weeks in I went to dinner with my husband at my favorite place who ordered my favorite side dish called "sexy fries" and then ate them all, right in front of my face while proceeding to tell me just how sexy they were.  I wanted to break his nose.  I had to give the girl in my office all of my chips and pretzels which I then had to watch her eat in front of me.  I wanted to fire her.  Last night I made fresh delicious pico de gallo and grabbed a chip to taste it and then had to launch it across the room because I cannot eat a fucking tortilla chip even if it is to taste my super yummy wonderful salsa.  I wanted to cry and break stuff.  I almost ordered nachos at a restaurant the other day forgetting that DUH, NACHOS ARE MADE OF CHIPS and then pouted for the whole meal.  Out of town this weekend my best friend ordered her sammich with a side of the most amaze ball looking fries I had ever seen ever in the world, and she ate them.  She ate them right in front of me. I think she and I should take a break now.  I just ordered a Quiznos sandwich and I couldn't even order my coveted plain Lays chips to go with it.  That's just not right.

I'm so frustrated y'all. This was the dumbest bet I've ever made.  EVER.  I swear I'm about to buy her dinner just so I can eat a motherfucking potato chip.  She thinks it's hilarious.  I do not.  

I've continued going to the gym, 25 days strong now and you guys I've been walking funny and moving funny for 25 days.  Everything hurts.  But my pants are loose and I can do pushups without falling on my face (on the hardwood, true story that happened) and I'm happy about it. Gym Barbie still runs circles around me but at least I'm not quite as much of a Cabbage Patch and instead closer to Barbies little sister Skipper.  

The point is, if I start to get hostile on this blog you know why now, it's because I haven't had a damn potato chip in 25 fucking days.  I'm sorry in advance.  It's going to get worse, because I am not losing this bet.