Yeah…I'm a Twilight mom

Stupid Showtime and their stupid all day showing of Twilight.  I CAN NOT STOP WATCHING.  Which then makes me really really upset that New Moon is way out of my budget right now.  But more then that it really pisses me off that Eclipse is so far away. While I’m bitching can I just mention that Breaking Dawn isn’t even set to start filming until November meaning we probably won’t even get to see the fucking movie until about 2030.  Stupid fucking Summit.  And, since I’m on the complaint trail Stephanie Meyers is a total asshole for not finishing Midnight Sun and the rest of that series.  ASSHOLE!

A S S H O L E

She is even an asshole in italics!

Here is the thing.  I always read this shit about Twilight moms.  Or old women into Twilight and here is what I’ve decided.  

I AM NEITHER!

I’m 28 therefor I am still super young yo’.  So I’m just a normal fan.   A normal young, hip just older then teenage fan.  Which means it is totally acceptable for me to love Edward THIS MUCH and cry about how far away the movie release is.

Yesterday at Walmart I actually lingered in front of a New Moon display wondering if buying a keychain with the Cullen crest was going too far, or if it would make me even more extra cool then I already thought I was.  I left with out it, but only because everyone started to look and I just couldn’t be that girl. But first next week I am so buying that bitch (as long as no one is looking).

That is all now. I just needed to bitch, and if I blather on to my husband about Edward Mason anymore (yeah I know his name) I will be spending the night outside in my girl room.

Who gave me cable

I had a mild argument with Dish Network the other day.  By mild I mean I got put on the do not transfer, do not help, do not talk to list.  Finaly after putting some sugar in my voice I got through to someone who gave me three months of free HBO and Showtime.  Let me tell you that I haven’t had HBO or Showtime in probably 5 years.  So I get all excited come home and, what the fuck these channels are garbage.  TRASH.  What happened to good movies.  

But then…I turned on Showtime and Twilight was on and, well, okay WIN!  I came in later and there was some stupid ass movie on about psycics and ghosts and oh my God did I just waste an hour watching that?  Fuck.  And now I’m wasting another 2 hours watching another garbage movie and people HBO IS WORSE THEN THE LIFETIME MOVIE NETWORK.  Someone is going to need to wash my eyes out.

How did I ever waste time before HBO?

Redemption mother fuckers

From this

TO THIS

Thats right ladies.  Your care packages will be leaving tomorrow.  Originally I was just going to send them empty.  My friends said to send them with something store bought.  But I honestly couldn’t wrap my head around taking all that time to hand make the gift and then filling it with something Smiths or Safeway made.  So, I ditched the gym tonight, put some extra love into the kitchen, threw back a couple glasses of the good stuff (read: Arbor Mist) and made you some shit!  Check those bad boys out.  They are lemony and fresh and summery and I shouldn’t have ditched the gym to BAKE because hello I have to taste test RIGHT!

Anyway. Sorry for the delay, but if I’m sending something with my name out, it’s going to be done right! 

Thank God too, because the whole failing in the kitchen thing was about to give me a complex!

Treasures from your past

I was just reading Lorie’s blog when I saw this post.  I could not believe it.  I have that strainer.  

I couldn’t believe her little boy wears it as a hat.  That is all I ever did with it.  I would walk into my grandma’s house and put on my "hat."  When my grandma died the only thing I wanted was that hat.  It has spots that are melted.  It’s color is faded.  But it is my hat and I love it.  Do you have anything like that?  Something that reminds you of your whole childhood?  Something you will never let go of?  Here’s to you and your hat Henry!

But she sure loved pie

I’m not here right now.  You see I died yesterday.  Time of death: approximately 4:45 when trainer made me do third set of rotating back extensions.  If I didn’t die I’m sure I would be very sore this morning. In fact I’d probably be crippled.  I would maybe even need some one to drive me around and ice cream to ice my knees from the inside.  But I don’t need any of that because I died.  Go write my obituary now, make sure to include, "but she loved pie," after anything bad you might say.  That’s all, I have to go eat worms now, that’s what dead people do right?

Hey good looking, whatcha got cookin, how bout cooking something up for me

I may be fat but I’m pretty sure I’m still good lookin, and I hope you now have that song stuck in your head.  Here are a few things I made the last few days.  There is more but I got lazy with the uploading so this is all you get.  SO THERE!  And just in case you didn’t click the link I went ahead and added the song to my blog.  Because yes, I’m that awesome that I listen to Hank Williams.

 

Steak tacos with tomato avocado salad

(Sorry for photo quality me and the husbands point and shoot DO NOT get along)

 

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater ice cream sandwiches

 

Lemon garlic chicken

 

I would also like to note the three pictures Brandon took. Yes my four year old works my complicated camera this well….that boys gonna make mama rich some day.

Look at that, perfectly focused.  Right at the target.  Now if only he would pee that well!

Sometimes royally fucking up in the kitchen makes you a fucking genius

Before you diss my pictures please know, I was on my husbands camera, and even if it turned out excellent doesn't mean it turned out pretty!

About two years ago I stumbled upon this recipe by Paula Dean. By stumbled upon it I mean I sat memorized in front of the TV as she practically made love to these tiny little cakes dunking them in deceitful glaze once and then once again. I bookmarked it right away and never got around to making them. Friday while chatting with Lisa I stumbled upon the recipe again and that was that, I was making those fuckers. I spent a good part of today finishing up some gifts to mail to my friends when I got the idea to wrap up the little cakes in their "sandwich" wraps as a surprise (note to friends, there will be no cakes, you will see why soon, but dammit there will be something, note 2, Niki its going out in the mail TOMORROW no matter what!) Anyway, I followed the recipe to a T. Right away something seemed wrong, the dough was thick. And by thick, imagine softened salt water taffy. No part of that sounds like a cupcake batter huh? I figured Paula would never let me down so I plugged on. DISASTER CITY PEOPLE. The outside crisped immediately while the inside cooked up to the consistency of custard. They sunk in the middle like they were supposed to but I knew I was fucked. I pulled the edges off…hmmm, taste okay. Better make the glaze anyway. Okay, Dunked the edges in the glaze. This shit is fucking good man.

I walked away from it for a while and then said fuck it. I'm making a lemon blossom strudel type cake. Basically I took all the good pieces and broke them up onto a plate and heated it up for about 30 seconds. Then I drizzled the icing over it and walked away again. Next thing I hear is my husband saying "these would be great if they were in the right shape." That was followed by, "maybe I should take some of that for lunch." So I took a bite and Goddammit it was amazing. Hell I would make it again, I would forgo the cupcake tins and probably go with a silicon pan. (Side note two damn days ago I was staring at the silicon cupcake cups thinking "I'll never use those." WRONG. I'm thinking that it has to be an altitude problem. Because it is the easiest recipe to follow that even my two year old couldn't have fucked it up. Point is, before you give up on your mistakes try looking at them from a new angle, you might just discover a new family favorite. It may not look the best but if you close your eyes it's like eating a little bit of lemon glazed ecstasy on a fork.  Also, this is a Paula Deen recipe, so it's not exactly diet-friendly. But, if you're trying to lose weight and you want to try this delectable dessert, you should check out some Sensa reviews first — you might get to have your lemony cake and eat it, too!

Ingredients

  • 18 1/2-ounce package yellow cake mix
  • 3 1/2-ounce package instant lemon pudding mix
  • 4 large eggs
  • 3/4 cup vegetable oil

Glaze:

  • 4 cups confectioners' sugar
  • 1/3 cup fresh lemon juice
  • 1 lemon, zested
  • 3 tablespoons vegetable oil
  • 3 tablespoons water

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Spray miniature muffin tins with vegetable oil cooking spray. Combine the cake mix, pudding mix, eggs and oil and blend well with an electric mixer until smooth, about 2 minutes. Pour a small amount of batter, filling each muffin tin half way. Bake for 12 minutes. Turn out onto a tea towel

To make the glaze, sift the sugar into a mixing bowl. Add the lemon juice, zest, oil, and 3 tablespoons water. Mix with a spoon until smooth.

With fingers, dip the cupcakes into the glaze while they're still warm, covering as much of the cake as possible, or spoon the glaze over the warm cupcakes, turning them to completely coat. Place on wire racks with waxed paper underneath to catch any drips. Let the glaze set thoroughly, about 1 hour, before storing in containers with tight-fitting lids.

 

Good marketing

Local burger joints new advertisement ploy to get customers.

"Free beer until you pee."

I think I could hold it for about 8 or 9 beers huh?  How about you, how many could you put back before you paid? 

Because God is punishing me

So I decided not to go to the gym tonight.  Rob wasn’t going to but his friends at work made him feel guilty.  While I was here alone holding down the fort with the two shit heads God paid me back ten fold for not going to the gym.  

I just walked in Rob’s man cave to find the room covered in….

 

Oh my God.

 

PERMANENT MARKER

He got everything.  The wall. His toys.  The Lego table.  The rocking chairs.  His tool table.  The remotes. The coffee table.  The toy box.  The playdough tray.  More walls. The rug.  

AND

Oh boy

My husbands MacBook

 

Thank God I had some nail polish remover on hand or he would have been in time out for his entire life.  

I promise you God I will go to the gym tomorrow and work extra hard.