Niki Minaj needs to go away.

Awwww Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez dancing sooo cute.

Mark Anthony has a huge scary vein in his forehead.  Maybe Jennifer left because the vein scared her away.

Also…her ass, is soo much better then him.

Seriously Niki Minaj winning over Lil Wayne….BULLSHIT.

I heart Justin Bieber, even if he is going through that part of puberty where his voice cracks really bad.

I hear Justin and Selena.

GO AWAY NIKI MINAJ.

Also….wear shoes you can walk in.

Seriously, J-Lo's ass….

The Vanilla Ice flashback; BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Word to your Mutha.

Why do they let Chris Brown on TV?  I am still super mad at him.

I am embarrassed for him listening to him sing song after song about wanting Rhianna back…

DUMBASS.

I am so spoiled…watching this with commercials is just about killing me. 

Enrique Iglesias is soooo cute. I'd like to squish his cheeks.

LUDA!!!!!

I heart Taylor Swift.

Niki Minaj is only winning because Taylor Swift wrote her song (didja know that?).

Oh Katie Perry….you had me until the pink hair.  It's too close to granny pink…not bubble gum pink enough. 

I heart Adam Lambert. 

Okay Katie Perry I take it back…I don't just hate your hair I hate your dress too.

Selena Gomez dress is so pretty and look at her and Justin holding hands SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I so don't understand the Jonas Brothers.

To be continued…..

And I'm back.

But Christina Agulara should go away.

She should take the Moves Like Jagger song with her.

But hottie little Adam can stay.

As long as he never sings that song again.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THE COMMERCIALS ARE GOING TO KILL ME.

What kind of shenanigans is the Bachelor trying to pull putting an 80 year old woman on the show?

Also….I hate Christmas music but…ugh, I totally love Justin Biebers song Mistletoe.

Ahahahahaha Mark Anthony isn't even nominated for best Latin artist.  Must be because of the vein.  

And also doesn't he know the world is team J-Lo's ass?

Wait Alanis Morriset still exists?

If you are going to sing about having moves like Jagger YOU SHOULD REALLY LEARN HOW MICK JAGGER DANCES YOU ASS.

Who is that kid sitting in Justin Biebers spot?  Where did my 17 year old boyfriend go?

Oh Gym Class Heros…..Travie, I have plans for you.  Yum-O.

Travie and Adam Levine on stage together….this is too much for my brain to handle.

Why is Drake pretending he is Lil Wayne?

HE IS NOT.

Ahahahahaha look at that white guy dancing behind Niki Minaj…no that doesn't count as dancing. 

Bruno is pretty good but JUSTIN GOT ROBBED.  

Also, whoah Bruno is seriously short!

Will.I.Am I loved your performance.

Adam, take a note from Will.I.Am, if you can't dance like Jagger GET HIM TO DANCE FOR YOU!

Taylor I love you but work on your thank you speeches a little.  

Seriously Lil Wayne won NOTHING?

Taylor why are you thanking Selena right now?  Ahahahahaha you dork.

I don't understand LMFAO at all.  I mean it's catchy but are they just on a mission to see how ridiculous they can be?

Oh God….I just fel that much more in love with Bieber.  Tiger pants AHAHAHAHAHAHAH HE ROCKED IT!

THERE IS A SMILEY FACE ON HIS DICK ABAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Are these the dancers from that Top Dance Crew show?

Omg they are all wearing tiny booty shorts this is just TOOO MUCH!!!!!

 People will get drunk enough at weddings to stumble into the kitchen and announce to the catering staff, “THE ASPARAGUS WAS EXCELLENT AND GUESS WHAT, MY PEE ALREADY SMELLS LIKE ASPARAGUS.”

 They might also stumble into a wall immediately after that.

 There are people who really refuse to drink wine if it isn’t in the right glass.

 People really do want tables set with 5 different glasses at them.

 You will have to wash all of those glasses at the end of the night.

 People will mix up their food and move it around on the plate to make it look eaten so as not to offend the staff when they hate your salad.

 This pisses me off, just say you don’t like it, give it back and let someone else eat it rather then waste the whole thing. Trust me someone in the kitchen is hungry enough to eat that salad.

 Double dipping is deemed proper etiquette now.

 You might have to wash 375 plates if you work at a wedding.

 I’ve been told not to put the cheese knife in the cheese before the guests arrive because then the cheese looks “pierced and gruesome.”

 Customers will smash a cracker on the counter to show you it is too crumbly for their taste and then leave it there for you to clean up. A simple, “I don’t like this cracker will due.”

 Old people drink a lot of wine.

 People get very angry when you run out of beer.

 Even when the alcohol is FREE people will still be assholes about what kind of beer is being served, and will yell at me when it’s gone.

 I can’t believe how often people steal desserts and sneak them out.

 If you ask me to pack up a slice of cake for you to take home please don’t get angry at me when I do so and then hand it to you. If you didn’t want people to know you were taking cake home you should have told me to hide it or something. I CAN’T READ MINDS.

 Kids are people too. Inviting 100 people but only ordering food for 50 really is your own fault. Please don’t yell at me when you run out of food because you didn’t think kids would eat dinner also.

 There is an actual person out there who will steal the ENTIRE hunk of Brie off the cheese platter.

 That asshole might decide they hate Brie and then try and hide the giant hunk of Brie with only one bite taken out of it in a bush at a graduation party.

 People get drunk enough at weddings to dance barefoot on a dance floor even with shattered glass on it

 People get drunk enough at weddings to shatter glass on dance floors.

 Wedding DJ’s thinking they are God’s gift to earth

 Seriously…..I DON’T WANT TO KNOW YOUR PEE SMELLS LIKE ASAPRAGUS

 Ladies over 70 can drink an entire bottle of wine by themselves in a night.

 Sometimes I have no idea if the coffee is decaf or not….but honey I’m gonna tell you it’s whatever you want it to be.

 Old ladies love my husband

 Kids will bite stuff and put it back on the platter

 People will eat stuff kids have bitten and put back on the platter.

 The thing about the asparagus again.

Charlie has allergies.  That is an understatement.  Charlie is allergic to the world.  So far, the one thing we know for sure is that Charlie is allergic to chicken.

This is a problem because everything for dogs contains chicken.  EVERYTHING.  Even the dog food that says "contains no chicken by products," has CHICKEN BROTH as the second ingredient in it. (Please someone explain that to me.)

Anyway what happens is that he starts itching.  Then he starts thumping.  Then you look over and he has his whole foot in his mouth trying to chew a hole in it, and he has a rash on his stomach, and blisters on his balls and DUDE IT IS BAD. 

My vet said the first thing we had to do was put him on a strict diet.  I had to hand over 3 weeks worth of pay for a bag of food that lasted about an hour.  It was predigested soy food and the plan was to let him eat only that for a few weeks then slowly introduce other stuff and find out what else besides chicken he is allergic to (see also: AIR). The plan worked for about an hour. Then, while talking about the plan on the phone with my vet Charlie managed to get into the garage where the litter box is and Hoover as much cat shit as possible.

Commence itching. 

This happens at least once a week.  Somehow he always finds a way in there and immediately starts itching.  I have yet to decide if he's allergic to actual cat shit, or the things the cats eat, or the chicken that is in the cats food that they eat and then shit out.

Oh, hey cat food.  He loves to hunt that down too and can swallow a whole bag of it in about 13 seconds.  That REALLY makes him itch.  He doesn't care.

The vet and I discuss a new plan of putting him on the hypoallergenic food and keeping him AWAY from the cat litter.  But then I find him out in the yard where the chickens were.  Aside from his life long quest to eat just ONE of my chickens he is also on a quest to eat every piece of chicken shit to ever exist.  

CHICKENS SHIT A LOT.

Now I'm not a scientist, but I would assume that if he is allergic to chickens he's probably allergic to their shit too right?

More itching.  

Then, he goes rolling in the grass and makes sure to lube his body up real well in chicken shit.  

You guessed it.  

MORE ITCHING.

By now he's itching so bad that I have to give him a Benadryl.  Lets think about this okay.  I have to put my fingers in his mouth and down his throat.  You know, the mouth that is now full of cat shit and chicken shit.  

Just makes my day.

Also, I use a lot of soap. 

In an effort to keep him out of the chicken shit I got the idea to take him running on my lunch break for exercise.  Guess what.  BIRD SHIT OUTSIDE!  Now I'm no expert but I would think if your allergic to a chicken you are probably allergic to a quail.

So here we are running, I'm grooving to Willie Nelson and the next thing I know my arm is being taken off because my dog has found a spot where the birds perch and do nothing but shit all day. After recovering from nearly eating pavement I drag him away from there and we continue running.  Only some how, he finds more shit on the ground.

This is where Charlies biggest life problem occurs.  Because right at the very moment that he is happily chewing a HUGE MASSIVE piece of bird shit, the UPS man drives down the road.  Since Charlie is afraid of his shadow he of course has to start barking at the UPS truck.  Only, barking causes the shit to fall out of his mouth.  I stopped and watched this happen.  The exact moment his head nearly imploded because he couldn't decided whether he wanted to eat the bird shit or bark at the UPS guy.  He ended up doing this weird combo of half barking and half licking shit as it fell out of his mouth. 

I stood there wanting to puke.

I have no idea what to do.  It seems like all dog food has either chicken or eggs in it.  And I can't be sure, but I'd think if you are allergic to chickens you are probably allergic to eggs.  The entire world is covered in bird shit.  Even when I block him from the litter box he manages to find petrified cat shit outside.  He's also addicted to tissues and paper towels.  

CHARLIE LOVES TISSUE. 

Charlie also loves shoes.  Which makes me think.  With all the cat shit eating, and chicken shit eating, and bird shit eating….that hes probably chewed a decent amount of shit into my shoes.  And when he comes up and licks my arm, it's safe to say he just smeared bird shit on me.  And when he runs up and chugs down the chocolate milk that Brandon left on the table, I just assume he's now swirled cat shit into the milk.

Charlie loves his green monkey

Charlie also loves worms.  He likes cucumbers.  I loves to eat my bras.  He really likes my socks.  My left shoes taste better then my right ones.  He sometimes will eat just plain ole dirt. He likes pistachio shells (SHELLS PEOPLE SHELLS, NOT THE NUT BUT THE SHELL).  He can sniff out my coffee from a mile away.  But mostly, Charlie really really really wants to eat my chickens.

(please mommy can I has just one chickenz)

I have no idea what else he is allergic to because I can't get his system clean enough to try introducing other foods.  But I think, for now I'm just going to say he's allergic to air, and is going to spend his entire life on allergy pills.

My grandma loves to tell me stories.  Since my other grandma passed away before I could get all of her worldly wisdom I always make sure to soak up everything my grandma says to me.  

She told me this story once about how she grew up very poor.  There was this girl in her elementary school who was super rich.  She always had the fanciest dresses.  The prettiest bows in her hair.  The shiniest shoes.  My grandma and her best friend didn't like her.  She was also one of those rich girls that was a snob.  One day my grandma got this great idea to trip the hoity toity girl.  So while snotty mcsnot was walking up to the chalkboard my grandma and her best friend tripped her.

The one thing my grandma remembers the most is that miss fancy pants richy perfect face had HOLES IN HER UNDERWEAR.  Grey holey underwear.  

From that moment on my grandma's motto was, "it is not whats on the outside that counts it's what is underneath that matters."

Today I had to go in and get a steroid injection in my back along with a nerve block.  I dressed comfy and headed off to the doctor.  I expected them to offer me a gown to put on but instead they just put me on the table face down and before I knew it the young MALE assistant was pulling my pants down FULLY EXPOSING MY TUSHY.  I was so embarrassed. My ass is in need of a tan, and OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T SHAVED AND MY PANTS ARE SHORT.  This guy was seeing my leg hair and my tushy.  The doctor came in and suddenly I had both men washing my butt.  

Yes.  Washing my butt.  They had to sterilize it and what not before injecting me.  We began chatting about how bad it would hurt.  I may or may not have shouted FUCK pretty loud and both guys may or may not have giggled at me.  People always wonder how I have ten tattoos but I'm afraid of shots.  But come on this was FOUR needles.  SIX INCH NEEDLES.  He had to go in from my tush, turn it towards the side then using an x-ray machine follow the needle all over until he hit the right spot.  That felt weird.  But not as weird as the moment he went for the nerve block and pretty much said I was going to feel a weird popping pressure feeling when he punctured into the nerve.  

OUCH SHIT FUCK COCK SUCKER THAT HURT.

Then he injected dye into my butt and I got this weird painful, numb, warm tingly feeling going down my leg.  

Then I had to pee.  Perfect timing.  They laughed at me for telling them that.  And giggled some more when I pointed out that we were having a conversation while my ass was propped a foot in the air butt naked.  

Finally they said I was done and the assistant grabbed my pants and undies and pulled them up.  THAT IS WHEN I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT.

I was wearing my old period panties.  My super bright blue, saggy, ugly period panties.

MY GRANNY PANTIES.

Oh the horror.

I mean, the only saving grace is that I didn't have any holes in them.  But they were neon blue, with a lame little rainbow elastic band and about 4 sizes too big.  So big that when the pulled it all up my undies pulled up about two inches out of my pants and I had this weird panty bunch thing going on.

The moral of the story?

YOUR GRANDMA IS ALWAYS RIGHT.  never ever ever go to the doctor without fresh panties, and shaved legs.

Also, send comfort food & pain medication because apparently having a FOUR 20" needles stuck in your back leaves you hurting like a mother fucker.  It makes going from one job straight to a catering job where I had to lift stuff and be on my feet REALLY REALLY PAINFUL.

I called my grandma right after and told her I had my shot.  Then I told her about the forgetting to shave my legs thing and she said, "Oh Shannon, please please tell me you wore fancy panties to the doctors office."

Dammit.  

I will never ever forget my fresh fancy pants, hoity toity, underroos at the doctor again.

I felt it was my duty to pass this wisdom on to you.  Promise me, the next time you go to the doctor you will shave all of the appropriate spots, wear your fanciest panties and put on the fancy good smelling lotion!

Last month our TV broke.  After much shopping we ended up buying a Sony Google TV.  I basically bought it because it had the word GOOGLE in it.  I can surf the web and do other neat stuff on it but I hadn't really figured out anything I loved doing with it.  

But suddenly it hit me.  

MY GOOGLE READER.

That's right y'all I'm sittin back lounging comfy as ever reading your blog in 42".  Now that's the good life.

Where is your favorite spot to read blogs?  In bed?  At work?  At the dinner table?

* Wook at my cute wittle puppy he is just the sweetest wittle guy ever.

* If that asshole doesn't stop eating my fucking trash and leaving tissue everywhere I am putting all of his toys in time out for one week.

* I have the flu.

* I think I have cancer, arthritis, scarlet fever, pneumonia and the plague.  AM DYING.

* Catered for a wedding, so beautiful, love working up at the lake.

* What kind of idiot invites 125 people to their wedding? 375 Plates to wash IS NOT OKAY!!!!!

* Scabs have soaked off, dirty water soaking into my body through open wounds, am going to die dish related death.  

* Oh hay I is still sick forget the plague I now have Malaria and West Nile Virus.

* I grew the worlds best tomatoes ever.

* This winter is going to suck without tomatoes.  Woe is me.

* Fucking dog NO TISSUE MEANS NO TISSUE.

* Mmmmm flannel sheet season,

* Remember that time I gave up eggs?  Yeah that was stupid I miss ranch dressing.

* The squeeze In restaurant has eggless ranch dressing.  The world is right again.

* I microwaved my ranch on accident.  The world sucks again.

* My floors are so pretty and mopped.

* I have two kids and a dog.  My floors are not pretty and mopped anymore.

* It's almost my birthday awwww yeah, a whole weekend with my husband at a hotel just us all alone together.

* Fuck.  I turn thirty this weekend.  I am old.  Am no longer hip young girl.  

* Psh, thirty is the new 20.  Am still so totally awesome and young.

* Yeah I totally watched Kim Kardashians wedding.  I'm a nerd.

* Khloe Kardashian is totally on my shit list after watching the wedding.

* I am still mad about the 375 plates.

* Did I mention I had to cut up 125 4 oz pieces of salmon?

* I still smell fish on my wedding ring and I am pretty sure it is oozing out of my pores.

* Weeee tomatoes.

* If I ever see another zucchini in my life I'm going to cry.

* My desk is clean, I am so caught up and I look like an office super hero.

* When did the earthquake hit my office, I'm so behind, I'll never be caught up, going to cry, save me.

* Fuck it.  I'm going to burn it all down then I'll never have to see another post it note in my life.

* DIE SQUEAKY TOY! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* My burrito is ready.  I'm off to eat now and hopefully cure myself of the Cholera plague I'm dying of. 

This morning I woke up and all I could smell was SHIT!  Or, something rotten.  Really rotten.  Like holy shit if I was pregnant right now I would puke all over my hardwood.  I spent the whole morning sniffing around.  In every room.  In closets, trashes, floors, the drier EVERYWHERE.  

I thought the dog had managed to poop and push it under the couch to hide it from me or something.  

I was livid.  How could I not find a smell this bad?  HOW? 

HOW????

I walked into the laundry room and the smell got worse.  

This is where you could have all helped me out.

You see, if you followed me on Facebook you would have seen this on Wednesday:

Want to see it close up?

So if you followed me on Facebook you would know that Wednesday morning my kids got into a fight near the stairs and Brandon’s cup of milk “somehow” managed to “accidentally” fall down the stairs.  Four minutes before I was supposed to go to work. 

FOUR MINUTES.

Which is why I would have grabbed three rags, wiped up the whole mess, tossed the towels into the washer and ran out the door to work.  

Which would explain why THREE DAYS LATER the rags were still in the washing machine with the door ALMOST all the way shut but not shut enough to hold the smell in.

PEOPLE!

That is three days that milk soaked towels sat rotting in a hot, confined space.  

THREE DAYS.

I had to put my washing machine on super hot sanitize to wash them.  Even then six hours later my house smelled.  I had to open all of the windows and air out my whole house.

So, if you follow me on Facebook you would know, that my kids make messes, I’m having a bad day and I live in a house that smells dog shit.  I just got home from work, and then had to make a run for my second job.  I was stoked to sleep in this weekend.  I am sick, I feel like crap, I just want some rest and my boss asked me to come in tomorrow morning at 8AM.  Normally I wouldn’t want to do that but I have some tattoos I need to get, and shoes to buy so, work a twelve hour day when all I want is to sleep in and get better 

SURE WHY NOT!!!!

Which is why if you follow me on Facebook you will expect to see a lot of cranky exhausted updates from me.  And also, next week, if I complain about a smell PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ASK ME IF I FORGOT ANYTHING IN THE WASHING MACHINE!

**Update** 

25 minutes later this happened

My husband gets this stupid video game magazine in the mail. This bothers me.

A LOT!

Why?

It bothers me because he keeps his magazines in the bathroom.  He used to get Maxim.  I liked Maxim.  I would go in to pee, pick it up, read a page or two and go on my way.  But now.  Oh now I'm stuck with "Gameinformer."

This is the worlds most stupid magazine ever.  

I HATE IT.  

I tried reading it.  I gave it a chance.  I've given two a chance.

I. HATE. BOTH.

There are no girly games in any of these books.  There is never anything about a game I understand like Mario or Astrosmash or Burgertime.

Oh shit wait, those two are Atarie.

SEEEEEEEEEE.

That is how far behind I am in video gaming.

He won't let me pay for any magazines so now I'm stuck with this stupid game one.  I'm not the kind of person to leave a book in there to read and any girly magazines I'll read right away on the couch.

I just don't know what to do.  I mean I used to go in, pee, pick up the book and read in the quiet for a second even though I was all done with the bathroom no one else had to know that I was just having a quiet moment.

GAMEINFORMER stole my quiet moment.  There is no hot chicks to look at on the cover either.  Instead I'm stuck looking at some weird purple animated elf looking dude with some kind of whatthefuckisthat weapon in his hand.

I want my Maxim back!

Its 6:50pm. I want to be off work, but I’m not because I have to sit here and total receipts that the other girl in my office should have done.  Here is a break down of my last five minutes.

I give up.  Shutting it down before I start burning papers and my hairstyle gets any worse.  But I got sweet sweet revenge because I stacked so many piles of shit on her desk today while she was gone.  SO THERE.

I made a post on Facebook tonight and it got me thinking.  I've been with my husband ten years and there are still things I would never do in front of him.

1. I would never ask him to help me pop a pimple.  He's seen me pick my face but I would never ask him to help me pop one.

2. I would never pee with a door open.

3. We never discuss pooping.

4. I will NEVER fart in front of him.

5. If I accidentally fart in front of him I would NEVER admit it.

Are there things that you would never do in front of your significant other?  Are there things you let them see that other people would think you shouldn't?