I haven’t posted about this yet because, I guess I just did not feel ready. After two and a half years I finally drank. Yes you read right I finally did it. It was my husbands 30th birthday and I had some drinks. I can’t even begin to tell you how long I thought about it in the weeks leading up to his birthday. Everyday I found myself wondering what I should do. I wasn’t being forced to drink, no one brought it up, but in my mind, it was an issue. Somehow I just didn’t feel like I could celebrate his birthday with this huge giant massive party and then not drink. I had a sitter lined up for my kids, we were home and safe with no driving, why could I not have a drink?
I was most worried that I would hate myself the next day, and I did, but only because I had a raging hang over. I felt nothing about the alcohol itself. I was not angry, I didn’t feel like I had quit or given up or given in, I felt like I had made a well thought out decision and I did it in a mature way.
Since then (August 30th) I have drank two more times. Once, at dinner with my parents and Rob, while we had a baby sitter (the night my little cousin ran away) I had a single glass of wine, and once two weeks ago when Ginger came over I had a glass of wine and 4 oz of amaretto while we played games.
So. Three drinks in 2.5 months is not bad. However I can’t help but feeling like a raging alcoholic. I notice that I find myself thinking about it more too. Like last night, I was in the kitchen cooking up this big beef tenderloin and making these awesome potatoes (I will link em tonight) and I thought, well this is a totally normal time to have a drink. It is winter, I’m cooking whats wrong with a little spiked hot apple cider? I talked to a friend about it and she said it was funny I said that because her dad always tells her, that those times, in the kitchen cooking those “meals of love” type meals, is one of the hardest times for him too. So. I decided not to drink. Instead I ate my weight in left over boiled potatoes as I finished cooking. I figured I needed to put something in my mouth to preoccupy it from liquor. My husband of course had other ideas of what I coulda put in my mouth, something about having his own beef tenderloin if I wanted it.
My birthday is coming up in 7 days and again this year I have tickets to the Fantasies in Chocolate. This year, I want to drink though. The last two years I have passed up the chocolate martinis and chocolate shots and free champagne and this year, I wonder if, on my birthday a few drinks would be okay.
What I am now wondering though is, am I simply looking for excuses to drink? Or is it perfectly normal to want to have a drink on your birthday? Is having a glass of wine one night a month with family okay, or is it just looking to drink?
I want to be strong enough to become a social drinker again. I want to stop having that over my head. The constant stigma of being “that girl who doesn’t drink.” I want to stop being uncomfortable in situations where everyone else drinks but me. Last night, we happened to have some half and half in the fridge so my husband made a White Russian. I found myself hating him. I was angry that he could just sit down and have a drink and have it be nothing but a drink. I’m sure that it wasn’t him I should have been mad at, it is my own fault I can’t drink but still, I was mad.
Of course the biggest reason I don’t drink is because of Codi. What kind of mom would I be if I sat around drinking all the time when I had a baby to feed? While I’m sure one or two drinks a month is acceptable I find myself wondering, IS IT REALLY ACCEPTABLE? Or am I just telling myself it is. And what happens when one or two drinks a month turns to one or two a week?
Also. One of the hardest parts about all of this is the looks you get when you drink. Some people tend to over emphasize the IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A DRINK SHANNON, and other people look at my like OMG THE ALCOHOLIC IS AT IT AGAIN.
I don’t know why I want to drink on my birthday, I just do. I keep thinking, It’s my party I’ll drink if I want to. I guess this year I don’t want to sit around and watch everyone else having fun while I’m sitting over there obviously not in on the joke and going to be 3 hours earlier because I don’t have the alcohol fueling me.
So what do YOU think? Is it possible to become a normal drinker again? Am I pushing it by wanting to have some chocolate martinis? Will I be a horrible mother if I have some drinks on my birthday? Guide me oh wise Internet.