I just wrote this post. It was beautiful. Then I hit refresh, and since my new blog format doesn’t auto save the whole fucking thing was gone. I’m pretty fucking pissed. Here is my redo, it won’t be as great as the first because the first was from the heart with no thinking, and this version is the over thought version.
My therapist and I discussed methods of distraction. Things to alleviate some of the stress I feel. Stuff to bring me down. I confessed to him that when I’m in these depressive states I avoid doing things I know will make me happy because I get lost in the emotion of it all. While being depressed is hard when it is happening it is comforting and easy and a place you feel safe. He gave me a list of things to help and I was stunned at how much of those things I did while I was in an up state. Burn candles (Salt City, I always do when I’m up), eat good food (I haven’t felt like cooking at all lately), bring in fresh flowers (last week my flowers died, I threw them out and didn’t replace them, a vast difference from the house full of flowers only weeks ago).
One of the other suggestions was doing something you love. I confessed the only three things I’ve ever consistently loved in my life, reading, cooking and scrapbooking. I also told him that other then Twilight I haven’t read since my kids were born. I haven’t had the time, the interest, the money. I haven’t scrap booked since Brandon was a year and a half old. I still cook, but I haven’t cooked with intense love in well over two months. It is hard to sit down and read when there is always a little person in your lap, someone wanting to turn the pages for you, someone needing more milk, someone with some interruption that must be dealt with now. I left promising my shrink I would try and do something positive.
In my head I knew this would be hard. I was already becoming reclusive. I had already noticed myself pulling back. This time instead of just hiding I came out and told my friends. I’m in hiding, I don’t want to leave my house, I don’t want to do anything LEAVE ME ALONE. Of course I didn’t want to be entirely alone I just don’t want to leave my comfort zone, my home, my chair, my safe spot.
While discussing with Ginger my therapy session, we somehow stumbled on the idea of going to Barnes and Noble.
WAIT? Didn’t you just say you don’t want to leave?
Yes.
But. There is an exception and Barnes and Noble is it. It is my happy place. A place where I feel understood, relaxed, surrounded by the thing I love the most. We made plans to go Saturday (yesterday). I was giddy with anticipation. I have not been to the bookstore in ages. Sadly probably over a year. I counted the minutes until Saturday at noon. My husband told me I should stay home and rest. I laughed. Silly boy, doesn’t he know there is no place more relaxing then a bookstore?
Ginger and I took off on our mission. We arrived and I suddenly felt powerful and in charge. This was my turf. First we enjoyed lunch, cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory and some coffee and then off we went. We started in new releases, moved to discount books, on to journals (I could go broke in that section alone), up the escalator to teen (shush there are some great books up there), around to biographies, and ran smack into the food section. The two of us spent minutes pouring over picture after picture of cakes and cookies and chocolate. I hungrily flipped through page after page of slow cooker books, of appetizer books, food books, cookbooks, omfg GET ME AWAY FROM THIS SECTION NOW! We stumbled back towards biographies, passed a book dedicated entirely to potatoes, past children’s and over to the bible section. Yes I wanted to purchase a bible. I want to learn about all religions. I hate being the ignorant one in conversations. I want to learn Kabala, Buddhism, all of it.
Before I knew it we were sprawled out in the middle of the isle reading excerpts of our possible candidates to see if we would like them. Neither of us speaking, passing books back and forth, blocking the path for everyone else but we didn’t care this was our store, our place, if you don’t like our mess get out. I imagine we could have stayed there longer if my husband hadn’t called screaming about CRISIS CRISIS THE BOYS…PRIMER…NAKED…PAINT ON “PARTS.” I knew, at that moment how much the book store ha helped. I laughed off the primer. Meh, so what. I wasn’t stressed that Rob was stressed. I didn’t care that I hadn’t done a thing all day, and I didn’t even rush to leave. Ginger and I picked up our final book choices, moseyed back down to the journal area and travel area then meandered over to the magazine area. Finally we checked out. I left the store with my little green bag of gold.
I couldn’t wait to get home and read, but I was smart enough to know I couldn’t read with the kids there. Ginger and I passed time watching a movie and then finally my parents took the boys for the night. I wasted no time grabbing a book and perching in my favorite chair. Four hours later the book was finished. I hadn’t eaten, I didn’t care. I was refreshed. I was hungry for more books. I pulled out another one went upstairs, climbed in bed and read myself to sleep.
This morning I woke up tired. I wanted to sleep more but how could I sleep with more books to be read. I only had a small window of time with out the boys and I wanted to soak up as much of this new found happy pill that I could.
Today I am so revitalized that I am actually looking forward to cooking dinner tonight. To making good food, marinating, having company. I am a little distracted because there are still books over there screaming “you don’t need to clean READ US READ US.” I have to admit it is hard to ignore their screams.
My therapist was right. Forcing myself to do something I love would inevitably make me happy. As much as I tried to hate the book, tried to wallow in my depression I couldn’t. I was lost in the book. Dreaming up characters, following their love story, picturing scenery, smelling the fresh pages, enjoying the noise a hardback book makes when you crack the binding open for the first time. I was drunk with words and pages and books, I was happy, I was distracted.
My husband made a good point, at the rate I read I should really go to the library so I don’t pay as much money. The thought of that got me excited. Going to the library all alone surrounded by free books, oh yes, I could handle that! I can’t wait to go get myself a shiny new library card. Looks like I have plans for next weekend…if I can make it that long!
misguidedmommy.com 
I am glad you found something that makes you smile. I go to library all the time. I also reserve books from other libraries and have them sent to the South Valleys drive-thru branch(b/c I always have D with me). PS I have a good world religion book for you to borrow…I could be hindu, if I could keep track of all the Gods!
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Yay, that’s great Shannon 🙂
I love libraries too. I was almost excited about having to write a research paper because it gave me an excuse to spend almost a whole afternoon at the library 😉
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Sounds like you had a great time relaxin & forgetting it all for awhile. I LOVE reading. I read every night, I love Barnes & Noble, but I get alot of my books used or new discounted on ebay & amazon.com. 🙂
P.S. I HATE when you hit back or refresh accidently and it erases what you wrote, I’m glad yahoo email came up with the auto save feature now because that always used to happen to me with emails.
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We used to spend $50.00 a week buying books for you. It was like a drug I never understood how fast you read them. How you could just set in your room and read till all the new books were gone and you were ready to go again. I’m so glad to see you reading again. I just thought you had handed in your books to read blogs. Its good to get in to fiction and not always all this real life stuff. O and its OK if you don’t do anything around the house it’s not like you do that all the time you need that time for your self or you will get burned out.
xoxoxox Mom
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I freaking love the library. I go at least once a week. I love that you can go online at home and request stuff too. It makes me feel good to read and keep busy, but without spending money. I hope it does the same for you!
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When you was little we used to spend so much time at the library. They had this little room that was round with sound proof glass just for kids. Then we moved out to the country and we had no library. Sad couple weeks ago I went to the down town library and the little room was gone and now it all computers for people to come and use.
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I love the library and free books!!! I don’t know if you can wait, but I heard paperbackswap.com is cool (haven’t tried it myself yet) and also heard about half.com that sells cheaper books. Maybe someone can tell us more about those 2 sites.
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OMG you and I were sisters in a past life. I am so feeling this post. I do the exact same thing when I am feeling blue. I immediately start punishing myself by not allowing myself to do the things that make me happy. And the bookstore – ACK! – seriously love that place. I could spend an entire day there reading and smelling the paper/ink. That is some good advice you got there.
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Girl I am so happy to read this!! This made me smile! 🙂
I love to read too….I can read FAST and have a book read in no time. Usually I read at bedtime, it helps calm me down for sleep.
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I am so happy you found something to put a smile back on your face. I love getting lost in a good book too, to escape into someone else’s life and words. Come to think of it I don’t do it nearly enough. I take Ella to the library every couple of weeks but get nothing for myself. This week will be different, thanks for the inspiration.
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good for you!!
There is nothing better than a book to get lost in, and there is REALLY nothing better than free books from the library! And it’s never too soon to take your kids to the library-there is usually some kind of kid activity going on for little ones.
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Hi there ~ am just catching up with what you have been up to ~ have been sooo busy lately!
I am glad that you have found a place that you feel at home. I must admit that I love book shops ~ I could spend hours and hours there ~ but unfortunately I very rarely get to go without the children ~ so that doesn’t make for a stress free experience!
Love and big hugs Tab XXX
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I LOVE paperbookswap.com!! It has saved me SO much money. You list books you’ve already read and then when someone requests it, you pay shipping (just over $2.00) to send your book to them. BUT, then you get credits in which you can request books from others and then they pay to ship thier book to you. =)
I’m slowly working my way through Inkheart. I’ve read it before, but it’s been a while… if only I had more time to read!
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Good idea from Billie!
That’s awesome that you found your happy pill. 🙂 And I only have ONE kiddo, but I relate to the “no time” thing. I have had 2 or 3 outings alone without my daughter in the 14 months since she’s been born. It took me FOREVER to read the Twilight series because I could only read when I went to bed and by then I was too tired.
Anyway, I need your address so I can mail you something. 🙂
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Another AWESOME place for books: Thrift Stores.
I like to get books for me and books for Gage at a couple local thrift stores. I think I pay $0.66 per hardback book for kids, and no more than $3 for hardback books for me.
I don’t plow through books nearly as fast as my mom & sister, so for me—the library isn’t the best bet. I only get to keep the books for 3 weeks, and I have no guarantee that I’ll be done with one by 3 weeks! Anyway….my thrift store finds are sustaining me.
🙂
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I have so missed reading your blog! I have had no time so I just made some time to catch up. I love going to the book store. Dave says the same thing to me about going to the library instead of spending $8 every other day on a new book. But I have a compluslion that if I have one book in a series…I must have them all so therefore I must go buy them! But if you ever want a library buddy I would love to go with you. I love going to the library!!
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I have missed you. I love how you write! I’m so glad that you took some time for yourself. I’m 100% the promoter of library cards. I refuse to buy books (Twilight series was the exception). In fact you have inspired me to take some time after work next week and go get a book from the library. I’m so happy you found this happy experience 🙂
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